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Crimson

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  • fairyprincess737
    Crimson The color crimson was the rose, whose thorns pierced my soul. The blood ran down my wounded flesh, like a thunderous river splashes through a hallow
    Message 1 of 4 , Sep 3, 2002
      Crimson

      The color crimson was the rose, whose thorns pierced my soul.
      The blood ran down my wounded flesh, like a thunderous river splashes
      through a hallow cavern. The feel of blood on my tongue, salty the
      taste, body, soul is one. Shedding bloody tears all these years,
      I've come to realize blood is dear. For most, life is the blood
      flowing through their veins. For me life is eternal, it is the blood
      that flows through others veins. Bloody tears are what I shed, that
      fateful night she pierced my flesh. Her crimson lips signify the
      rose, whose thorns forever changed my soul.


      I would appreciate critiques :)

      bianca
    • jerry5849
      Bianca, This is a striking piece of work, though I believe you could make it much better. In the first sentence you say the thorns ...pierced my soul, yet in
      Message 2 of 4 , Sep 4, 2002
        Bianca,
        This is a striking piece of work, though I believe you could make it
        much better.
        In the first sentence you say the thorns "...pierced my soul," yet
        in the following line you say "...the blood ran down my wounded
        flesh." It is my understanding that the soul is not part of the
        flesh. Perhaps using the word "heart" instead of "soul" would work
        better here, though in the third sentence you propose that the body
        and soul are one. (a dubious assumption at best)
        In the second sentence, I am not sure if you meant to use the
        word "hallow" (as in holy) or "hollow" (meaning to have a void or
        empty space). I guess either would work according to the meaning it
        holds for you.
        I find the third sentence a bit awkward. It doesn't flow as
        smoothly as it could, though I do like the approximate rhyme
        of `tongue' and `one.' Perhaps something like, "The salty taste of
        blood on tongue, my body and soul became one," would work a bit
        better. (just a thought)
        The fourth sentence works, but the use of "bloody" and then "blood"
        so close together seems a bit over the top. I like the triple
        rhyming of "tears," "years" and "dear."
        I see no problem with the fifth sentence, though in the sixth I am
        throw a bit by "it." Does "it" refer to life, and if so how is the
        sixth sentence substantially different in meaning than the fifth
        sentence?
        The beginning of the seventh sentence could seem a bit redundant.
        The reader already knows from the fourth sentence that you have
        shed "bloody tearsÂ…(for) years," though now you show the beginning
        of them.
        The eighth sentence is well written except for one word, "signify."
        This is the final sentence of your piece and should be made even
        stronger. If you would change the word "signify" to "were" I
        believe it would be forceful enough. After all, the entire piece
        points to the fact that she is the rose.
        I hope I have been of some small help to you, and that you will take
        this critique as it is meant to be, friendly in nature. You have a
        great insight into the inner workings of the human spirit, its
        strengths and weaknesses.
        Keep writing,
        Jerry
        Jerry5849@...


        --- In ticket2write@y..., "fairyprincess737"
        <flowers_n_october@h...> wrote:
        > Crimson
        >
        > The color crimson was the rose, whose thorns pierced my soul.
        > The blood ran down my wounded flesh, like a thunderous river
        splashes
        > through a hallow cavern. The feel of blood on my tongue, salty
        the
        > taste, body, soul is one. Shedding bloody tears all these years,
        > I've come to realize blood is dear. For most, life is the blood
        > flowing through their veins. For me life is eternal, it is the
        blood
        > that flows through others veins. Bloody tears are what I shed,
        that
        > fateful night she pierced my flesh. Her crimson lips signify the
        > rose, whose thorns forever changed my soul.
        >
        >
        > I would appreciate critiques :)
        >
        > bianca
      • fairyprincess737
        Jerry ... I took your critique into consideration as you can see below ... rewrite of Crimson ... The color crimson was the rose, whose thorns pierced my
        Message 3 of 4 , Sep 4, 2002
          Jerry ... I took your critique into consideration as you can see
          below ... rewrite of Crimson ...

          The color crimson was the rose, whose thorns pierced my heart. The
          blood ran down my wounded flesh, like a thunderous river
          splashes through a hallow cavern. The feel of blood on my tongue,
          salty the taste, body, and soul became one. Shedding bloody tears
          all these years, I've come to realize it is dear. For most, life is
          the blood flowing through their veins. For me life is eternal. Life
          is the blood that flows through others veins. Bloody tears are what
          I shed, that fateful night she pierced my flesh. Her crimson lips
          were the rose, whose thorns forever changed my soul.


          --- In ticket2write@y..., jerry5849 <no_reply@y...> wrote:
          > Bianca,
          > This is a striking piece of work, though I believe you could make
          it
          > much better.
          > In the first sentence you say the thorns "...pierced my soul," yet
          > in the following line you say "...the blood ran down my wounded
          > flesh." It is my understanding that the soul is not part of the
          > flesh. Perhaps using the word "heart" instead of "soul" would work
          > better here, though in the third sentence you propose that the body
          > and soul are one. (a dubious assumption at best)
          > In the second sentence, I am not sure if you meant to use the
          > word "hallow" (as in holy) or "hollow" (meaning to have a void or
          > empty space). I guess either would work according to the meaning
          it
          > holds for you.
          > I find the third sentence a bit awkward. It doesn't flow as
          > smoothly as it could, though I do like the approximate rhyme
          > of `tongue' and `one.' Perhaps something like, "The salty taste of
          > blood on tongue, my body and soul became one," would work a bit
          > better. (just a thought)
          > The fourth sentence works, but the use of "bloody" and then "blood"
          > so close together seems a bit over the top. I like the triple
          > rhyming of "tears," "years" and "dear."
          > I see no problem with the fifth sentence, though in the sixth I am
          > throw a bit by "it." Does "it" refer to life, and if so how is the
          > sixth sentence substantially different in meaning than the fifth
          > sentence?
          > The beginning of the seventh sentence could seem a bit redundant.
          > The reader already knows from the fourth sentence that you have
          > shed "bloody tearsÂ…(for) years," though now you show the beginning
          > of them.
          > The eighth sentence is well written except for one
          word, "signify."
          > This is the final sentence of your piece and should be made even
          > stronger. If you would change the word "signify" to "were" I
          > believe it would be forceful enough. After all, the entire piece
          > points to the fact that she is the rose.
          > I hope I have been of some small help to you, and that you will
          take
          > this critique as it is meant to be, friendly in nature. You have a
          > great insight into the inner workings of the human spirit, its
          > strengths and weaknesses.
          > Keep writing,
          > Jerry
          > Jerry5849@y...
          >
          >
          > --- In ticket2write@y..., "fairyprincess737"
          > <flowers_n_october@h...> wrote:
          > > Crimson
          > >
          > > The color crimson was the rose, whose thorns pierced my soul.
          > > The blood ran down my wounded flesh, like a thunderous river
          > splashes
          > > through a hallow cavern. The feel of blood on my tongue, salty
          > the
          > > taste, body, soul is one. Shedding bloody tears all these years,
          > > I've come to realize blood is dear. For most, life is the blood
          > > flowing through their veins. For me life is eternal, it is the
          > blood
          > > that flows through others veins. Bloody tears are what I shed,
          > that
          > > fateful night she pierced my flesh. Her crimson lips signify the
          > > rose, whose thorns forever changed my soul.
          > >
          > >
          > > I would appreciate critiques :)
          > >
          > > bianca
        • lynndanna
          My feedback: this is rough draft. The physical element is there, but intersperse it with raw feeling and emotion, and any senses you can work in, on the same
          Message 4 of 4 , Sep 7, 2002
            My feedback: this is rough draft. The physical element is there, but
            intersperse it with raw feeling and emotion, and any senses you can
            work in, on the same level. You are skimming rocks on the surface
            here, but it has potential. Sincerely, Lisa

            --- In ticket2write@y..., "fairyprincess737" <flowers_n_october@h...>
            wrote:
            > Crimson
            >
            > The color crimson was the rose, whose thorns pierced my soul.
            > The blood ran down my wounded flesh, like a thunderous river
            splashes
            > through a hallow cavern. The feel of blood on my tongue, salty the
            > taste, body, soul is one. Shedding bloody tears all these years,
            > I've come to realize blood is dear. For most, life is the blood
            > flowing through their veins. For me life is eternal, it is the
            blood
            > that flows through others veins. Bloody tears are what I shed,
            that
            > fateful night she pierced my flesh. Her crimson lips signify the
            > rose, whose thorns forever changed my soul.
            >
            >
            > I would appreciate critiques :)
            >
            > bianca
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