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Re: Essay attempt

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  • jerry5849
    Audrey, You have written a piece that is very well thought out. I am particularly impressed by it. The basic structure of this piece is perfect. You begin
    Message 1 of 8 , Aug 31, 2002
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      Audrey,
      You have written a piece that is very well thought out. I am
      particularly impressed by it. The basic structure of this piece is
      perfect.
      You begin your first paragraph with an assumption, that being God is
      co-pilot
      In the second paragraph you reject that assumption as it relates to
      you.
      The third paragraph asks pointed questions as to the nature of the
      conflict you have set up in the previous paragraphs.
      In the fourth, you have brought resolution to the conflict as it
      pertains to your personal experiences.
      The fifth, sixth, seventh and eighth paragraphs you have shown by
      example the things that support your new assumption.
      The ninth and final part is the line "Because he really does want me
      to fly." Though it is a fragment, I felt it was particularly
      fitting for the effect it makes.
      Also, the piece is neither too short, nor too long. It is just the
      right size to bring everything full circle.
      The only part I would change is in the sixth paragraph. While
      reading the work I was caught up and saw my own experiences being
      listed until God says, "Whoa, Audrey." The use of your name in the
      piece brought back to me the fact that it was not me you were
      describing. Eliminate your name, or even both words and I think you
      will see it works better. You don't wish to have your fish jump off
      the hook when you are ready to reel him in. (smiling)
      You've shown how an essay should be written. Well done!
      Jerry
      jerry5849@...


      --- In ticket2write@y..., Audrey <phoenix743@y...> wrote:
      > My fiction writing has been pretty lifeless lately, so
      > I've turned my hand to essay writing. I have a couple
      > places that I'm thinking of submitting. The subject
      > matter has really limited my choices, but I'd like to
      > get a critique on the writing. Thanks, everyone. :)
      >
      >
      > God is my...
      >
      > "God is my co-pilot". This saying has been around for
      > a lot of years. Lately, I've seen another one on
      > church signs: "If God is your co-pilot, change
      > seats".
      >
      > Both catchy phrases, but they don't work for me. I
      > don't see God as my co-pilot: sitting there, not doing
      > much unless I'm in trouble, then jumping in to rescue
      > me. I don't see God as my pilot either, taking care
      > of everything so that I just sit back and relax.
      >
      > Didn't God give us free will? It seems to me that we
      > have the God-given right to screw up our own lives if
      > we want to. If God is running the show, how do we
      > make mistakes? If he's our pilot, we don't have to
      > make decisions, he makes them all. If he's our
      > co-pilot, then he should jump in and correct things
      > when we mess up.
      >
      > Neither is the way my God works with me. Mine is an
      > Air Traffic Controller. He gave me this plane and
      > taught me how to fly it. Now I'm on my own, with his
      > voice to direct me. Sometimes I listen, sometimes I
      > don't. He gave me that choice. But when I don't
      > listen, I have to accept the consequences. And
      > believe me, I've had some spectacular crashes!
      >
      > But my God picks me up, dusts me off, and puts me back
      > in the air. Each time, I learn to listen to him
      > closer. He doesn't punish me for disobeying, the
      > consequences of my actions take care of that. I've
      > crashed enough times to learn a few lessons.
      >
      > I never know when I'm going to hear from him.
      > Usually, when I least expect it! I'm flying along,
      > making good time, and suddenly the radio crackles into
      > life. "Whoa Audrey! What do you think you're doing?
      > Slow down, and slow it down now. Good girl. Now,
      > bring your heading about 10 degrees to the right. No,
      > not the left, I said to the right! That's better.
      > Now, bring your nose up and hold it steady. Good job.
      > You were headed straight for a mountain, you know. I
      > don't think that's where you wanted to be. Hold your
      > course now, and you'll be fine. Out for now. I'll
      > keep an eye on you, and call me if you're unsure
      > again."
      >
      > That's how I run my life. I can pick up the mic and
      > call for directions anytime I need it. I check in at
      > least once a day, just to make sure I'm still on
      > course. I file my flight plans and he lets me know if
      > the sky is clear or stormy. Sometimes, I want to get
      > somewhere so badly that I fly out, storm or not.
      > Occasionally I make it, but it rarely turns out to be
      > where I really wanted to be. So I go back and file a
      > new flight plan.
      >
      > Sometimes, I fly straight into a mountain. That's
      > when he picks me up and puts me in another plane.
      >
      > Because he really does want me to fly.
      >
      >
      > Audrey
      > www.audreyshaffer.com
      >
      > __________________________________________________
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      > Yahoo! Finance - Get real-time stock quotes
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    • Audrey
      Jerry, thank you a million times. That was exactly what I was looking for. My writing is far from professional, but that s my goal. A step-by-step critique
      Message 2 of 8 , Sep 2, 2002
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        Jerry, thank you a million times. That was exactly
        what I was looking for. My writing is far from
        professional, but that's my goal. A step-by-step
        critique is a great help toward that goal. And thank
        you very much for the suggestion to take out my name.
        I never would have caught that one!

        Lisa (Lyndanna), thank you. I'm glad I could touch
        you with my writing. That's my real goal. Making
        money is secondary. :)

        Christine, thank you. My first draft is usually very
        emotional. I let it simmer for a day, then I can go
        back an make it more rational.

        Ambra, thank you. Really glad you liked it. There
        are a lot of Christian mags and journals, but I'm
        going to try more mainstream publications first. For
        some reason I've had my heart set on Readers Digest.
        Always wanted to have something published there. One
        of my dreams since I was a child. We will see what
        happens!

        Diva, thank you! The essay came from a chance remark
        I made to a friend. It stuck with me, and just kept
        growing until I had to write it down. I found the
        idea very throught-provoking myself. :)

        Thank you all very much.

        Audrey
        www.audreyshaffer.com

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      • Marti Talbott
        This is very good. I got so caught up in your thoughts, I forgot to look for problems, lol. In the first couple of lines, I think the period goes before the
        Message 3 of 8 , Oct 15, 2002
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          This is very good. I got so caught up in your thoughts, I forgot to
          look for problems, lol. In the first couple of lines, I think the
          period goes before the quote marks -- co-pilot." Other than that, I
          couldn't find anything wrong. I love the way you finished this too
          and I don't think you'll have any problem selling it. You could
          offer it free just to build your credentials. Sometimes that's just
          as important as sales.

          Marti
        • Audrey
          Thanks Marti! I haven t submitted it anywhere yet, but I did put it in my September newsletter. At the moment, I m writing essays pertaining to my life. I
          Message 4 of 8 , Oct 16, 2002
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            Thanks Marti! I haven't submitted it anywhere yet,
            but I did put it in my September newsletter.

            At the moment, I'm writing essays pertaining to my
            life. I just put them in the newsletter and wait to
            see what kind of comments I get. The thought of a
            future book has crossed my mind, but I need a lot more
            of them before I get there.

            Audrey

            =====
            www.audreyshaffer.com

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