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My poem

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  • Jarrod Lacy
    Aurora February 6, 1999 Darling light, the very top of it all, the top of terra, is in need of your presence within twelve hours. It is night now. The time
    Message 1 of 3 , May 18, 2013
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      Aurora
      February 6, 1999

      Darling light,
      the very top of it all, the top of terra,
      is in need of your presence within
      twelve hours.
      It is night now.
      The time where the world
      is partically a silhouette -
      the sleeker, cooler side of
      the onyx.
      The planet is an azure medallion
      in route, stimultaneously, rounding
      our great, yellow bounty.
      Slowly and softly, the darkness
      becomes low-key;
      You, lounging, are the new order
      who calls herself morning.

      © 1999 Jarrod C. Lacy
    • Wings081
      Hi Jarrod As you are fairly new to this group,I hesitate to pick faults with your work but that is part of the object of membership, to help our fellow scribes
      Message 2 of 3 , May 20, 2013
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        Hi Jarrod

        As you are fairly new to this group,I hesitate to pick faults with your work but that is part of the object of membership, to help our fellow scribes and suggest ways to improve their works.
        Allow me to point out in particularly (no pun intended) your use of the word PARTICALLY
        I believe you intended to use PRACTICALLY.
        One more possible typo is "in route" which maybe should be "en route".
        Otherwise a good verse and we hope to see more from your pen
        As always
        Wings.





        --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Jarrod Lacy" <jarrodlacythewrit1@...> wrote:
        >
        > Aurora
        > February 6, 1999
        >
        > Darling light,
        > the very top of it all, the top of terra,
        > is in need of your presence within
        > twelve hours.
        > It is night now.
        > The time where the world
        > is partically a silhouette -
        > the sleeker, cooler side of
        > the onyx.
        > The planet is an azure medallion
        > in route, stimultaneously, rounding
        > our great, yellow bounty.
        > Slowly and softly, the darkness
        > becomes low-key;
        > You, lounging, are the new order
        > who calls herself morning.
        >
        > © 1999 Jarrod C. Lacy
        >
      • carol_emt87
        Jarrod, Your poem evokes the images of ether gathering around the edges of the day, when time slows, when mountains catch their breath and mystical creatures
        Message 3 of 3 , May 20, 2013
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          Jarrod,
          Your poem evokes the images of ether gathering around the edges of the day, when time slows, when mountains catch their breath and mystical creatures step out of the forest and into the golden light. Personally, I love this time of day. Your poem adds a personal touch, as if someone's presence enhances the experience. I enjoy that also. One thing--I prefer strong verbs and try not to use versions of the verb "to be" anymore than absolutely necessary. Save it for dialogue in fiction, I think.
          Wings mentioned a glitch in your text "partically" which I believe that you intended "partially" instead. A good spell check will reveal an additional incorrect word--stimultaneously.
          I hope this is helpful to you.
          Carol


          --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Jarrod Lacy" <jarrodlacythewrit1@...> wrote:
          >
          > Aurora
          > February 6, 1999
          >
          > Darling light,
          > the very top of it all, the top of terra,
          > is in need of your presence within
          > twelve hours.
          > It is night now.
          > The time where the world
          > is partically a silhouette -
          > the sleeker, cooler side of
          > the onyx.
          > The planet is an azure medallion
          > in route, stimultaneously, rounding
          > our great, yellow bounty.
          > Slowly and softly, the darkness
          > becomes low-key;
          > You, lounging, are the new order
          > who calls herself morning.
          >
          > © 1999 Jarrod C. Lacy
          >
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