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Any excuse to put pen to paper

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  • Wings081
    Dear Suzi & all at t2w. I am a compulsive writer and use any excuse to put pen to paper. In this instance I wrote to our major hospital in Cornwall after
    Message 1 of 4 , Feb 25, 2013
    • 0 Attachment
      Dear Suzi & all at t2w.
      I am a compulsive writer and use any excuse to put pen to paper.
      In this instance I wrote to our major hospital in Cornwall after having undergone a colonoscopy to check if my innards were in working order.
      To Dr.W, Carolyn W and all those people in the Endoscopy department dedicated to easing the embarrassment and discomfort of their patients during the traumatic experience of colonoscopy.

      From a grateful patient




      ABOUT THE WRITER (American hence the non-Brit spelling)
      Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.


      A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon
      a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.


      Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
      I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

      I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

      I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
      Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

      Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

      The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

      This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

      MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

      After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

      The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

      At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

      Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

      When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthetist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
      Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

      There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

      'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

      'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

      I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
      Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

      On the subject of Colonoscopies...
      Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

      1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

      2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

      3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

      4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

      5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

      6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

      7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

      8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

      9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

      10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

      11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

      12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

      And the best one of all:
      13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

      I am a great believer in laughter being the best medicine and trust
      this exercises your chuckle muscles.
      As ever
      Wings

      Ps. My grateful acknowledgement to Dave Barry



      I



























      To Dr.Worthington, Carolyn Waters and all those people in the Endoscopy department dedicated to easing the embarrassment and discomfort of their patients during the traumatic experience of colonoscopy.

      From a grateful patient
      Alan F Harris NHS number: 4066752128.



      ABOUT THE WRITER (American hence the non-Brit spelling)
      Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
      Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.


      A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon
      a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.


      Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
      I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

      I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

      I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
      Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

      Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

      The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

      This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

      MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

      After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

      The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

      At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

      Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

      When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthetist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
      Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

      There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

      'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

      'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

      I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
      Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

      On the subject of Colonoscopies...
      Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

      1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

      2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

      3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

      4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

      5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

      6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

      7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

      8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

      9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

      10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

      11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

      12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

      And the best one of all:
      13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

      I am a great believer in laughter being the best medicine and trust
      this exercises your chuckle muscles.
      Very best regards.





      I



























      To Dr.Worthington, Carolyn Waters and all those people in the Endoscopy department dedicated to easing the embarrassment and discomfort of their patients during the traumatic experience of colonoscopy.

      From a grateful patient
      Alan F Harris NHS number: 4066752128.



      ABOUT THE WRITER (American hence the non-Brit spelling)
      Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
      Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.


      A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon
      a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.


      Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
      I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

      I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

      I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
      Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

      Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

      The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

      This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

      MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

      After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

      The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

      At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

      Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

      When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthetist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
      Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

      There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

      'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

      'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

      I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
      Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

      On the subject of Colonoscopies...
      Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

      1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

      2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

      3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

      4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

      5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

      6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

      7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

      8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

      9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

      10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

      11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

      12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

      And the best one of all:
      13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

      I am a great believer in laughter being the best medicine and trust
      this exercises your chuckle muscles.
      Very best regards.





      I
    • miltontrachtenburg
      Dear Wings: Now all you have to tell us is that the doctor s name was Fuller Schmidt and my day will be complete. I have never had a colonoscopy. My Momma
      Message 2 of 4 , Feb 25, 2013
      • 0 Attachment
        Dear Wings:
         
        Now all you have to tell us is that the doctor's name was Fuller Schmidt and my day will be complete.
         
        I have never had a colonoscopy. My Momma taught me NEVER go in a door clearly marked EXIT! I play the good genes hand. If it doesn't hurt, leave it alone. I am 73 and I do not even have a regular doctor. The last time I visited an MD for a non-routine exam was 1956. I also believe that if I were meant to have operations, I would have buttons and zippers...or at least markers clearly stating, "Cut along the dotted line."
         
        The only operation to which I reluctantly consent is that every April 15th I consent to the US Department of Revenue removing a significant portion of my income for taxes. Giving consent beats going to jail for failure to do so.
         
        Milt
         
        In a message dated 2/25/2013 7:17:04 A.M. Eastern Standard Time, wings081@... writes:
         

        Dear Suzi & all at t2w.
        I am a compulsive writer and use any excuse to put pen to paper.
        In this instance I wrote to our major hospital in Cornwall after having undergone a colonoscopy to check if my innards were in working order.
        To Dr.W, Carolyn W and all those people in the Endoscopy department dedicated to easing the embarrassment and discomfort of their patients during the traumatic experience of colonoscopy.

      • Susan Donahue
        Dear Wings, I am sooooo sorry to hear you had to go through that, but give you a gold star for maintaining a sense of humor through the ordeal. Suzianne
        Message 3 of 4 , Feb 25, 2013
        • 0 Attachment
          Dear Wings,

          I am sooooo sorry to hear you had to go through that, but give you a gold star for maintaining a sense of humor through the ordeal.

          Suzianne


          --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Wings081" <wings081@...> wrote:
          >
          > Dear Suzi & all at t2w.
          > I am a compulsive writer and use any excuse to put pen to paper.
          > In this instance I wrote to our major hospital in Cornwall after having undergone a colonoscopy to check if my innards were in working order.
          > To Dr.W, Carolyn W and all those people in the Endoscopy department dedicated to easing the embarrassment and discomfort of their patients during the traumatic experience of colonoscopy.
          >
          > From a grateful patient
          >
          >
          >
          >
          > ABOUT THE WRITER (American hence the non-Brit spelling)
          > Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
          >
          >
          > A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon
          > a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
          >
          >
          > Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
          > I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
          >
          > I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
          >
          > I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
          > Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
          >
          > Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
          >
          > The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
          >
          > This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
          >
          > MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
          >
          > After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
          >
          > The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
          >
          > At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
          >
          > Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
          >
          > When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthetist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
          > Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
          >
          > There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
          >
          > 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
          >
          > 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
          >
          > I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
          > Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
          >
          > On the subject of Colonoscopies...
          > Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
          >
          > 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
          >
          > 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
          >
          > 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
          >
          > 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
          >
          > 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
          >
          > 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
          >
          > 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
          >
          > 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
          >
          > 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
          >
          > 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
          >
          > 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
          >
          > 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
          >
          > And the best one of all:
          > 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
          >
          > I am a great believer in laughter being the best medicine and trust
          > this exercises your chuckle muscles.
          > As ever
          > Wings
          >
          > Ps. My grateful acknowledgement to Dave Barry
          >
          >
          >
          > I
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          > To Dr.Worthington, Carolyn Waters and all those people in the Endoscopy department dedicated to easing the embarrassment and discomfort of their patients during the traumatic experience of colonoscopy.
          >
          > From a grateful patient
          > Alan F Harris NHS number: 4066752128.
          >
          >
          >
          > ABOUT THE WRITER (American hence the non-Brit spelling)
          > Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
          > Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
          >
          >
          > A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon
          > a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
          >
          >
          > Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
          > I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
          >
          > I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
          >
          > I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
          > Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
          >
          > Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
          >
          > The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
          >
          > This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
          >
          > MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
          >
          > After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
          >
          > The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
          >
          > At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
          >
          > Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
          >
          > When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthetist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
          > Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
          >
          > There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
          >
          > 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
          >
          > 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
          >
          > I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
          > Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
          >
          > On the subject of Colonoscopies...
          > Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
          >
          > 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
          >
          > 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
          >
          > 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
          >
          > 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
          >
          > 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
          >
          > 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
          >
          > 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
          >
          > 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
          >
          > 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
          >
          > 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
          >
          > 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
          >
          > 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
          >
          > And the best one of all:
          > 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
          >
          > I am a great believer in laughter being the best medicine and trust
          > this exercises your chuckle muscles.
          > Very best regards.
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          > I
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          > To Dr.Worthington, Carolyn Waters and all those people in the Endoscopy department dedicated to easing the embarrassment and discomfort of their patients during the traumatic experience of colonoscopy.
          >
          > From a grateful patient
          > Alan F Harris NHS number: 4066752128.
          >
          >
          >
          > ABOUT THE WRITER (American hence the non-Brit spelling)
          > Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
          > Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
          >
          >
          > A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon
          > a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
          >
          >
          > Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
          > I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
          >
          > I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
          >
          > I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
          > Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
          >
          > Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
          >
          > The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
          >
          > This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
          >
          > MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
          >
          > After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
          >
          > The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
          >
          > At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
          >
          > Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
          >
          > When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthetist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
          > Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
          >
          > There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
          >
          > 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
          >
          > 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
          >
          > I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
          > Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
          >
          > On the subject of Colonoscopies...
          > Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
          >
          > 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
          >
          > 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
          >
          > 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
          >
          > 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
          >
          > 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
          >
          > 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
          >
          > 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
          >
          > 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
          >
          > 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
          >
          > 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
          >
          > 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
          >
          > 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
          >
          > And the best one of all:
          > 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
          >
          > I am a great believer in laughter being the best medicine and trust
          > this exercises your chuckle muscles.
          > Very best regards.
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          > I
          >
        • Wings081
          Dear Suzi Re. GOLD STAR Those four angels of mercy attending me should be the recipients of gold stars. After they had finished poking about in my innards
          Message 4 of 4 , Feb 26, 2013
          • 0 Attachment
            Dear Suzi
            Re. "GOLD STAR"
            Those four 'angels of mercy' attending me should be the recipients of gold stars.
            After they had finished poking about in my innards (all of which I witnessed on a TV screen) they said:
            "we've had to pump quite a bit of air into your bowels and now you should release it"
            "No way" I replied " I could never do that in the company of ladies".
            However,I'm afraid my sphincter was not up to the task of saving my embarrassment and it was a case of 'what goes up must come down'.

            Sorry if this is too much information.
            As ever
            Wings.


            --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Susan Donahue" <suzianne411@...> wrote:
            >
            > Dear Wings,
            >
            > I am sooooo sorry to hear you had to go through that, but give you a gold star for maintaining a sense of humor through the ordeal.
            >
            > Suzianne
            >
            >
            > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Wings081" <wings081@> wrote:
            > >
            > > Dear Suzi & all at t2w.
            > > I am a compulsive writer and use any excuse to put pen to paper.
            > > In this instance I wrote to our major hospital in Cornwall after having undergone a colonoscopy to check if my innards were in working order.
            > > To Dr.W, Carolyn W and all those people in the Endoscopy department dedicated to easing the embarrassment and discomfort of their patients during the traumatic experience of colonoscopy.
            > >
            > > From a grateful patient
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > > ABOUT THE WRITER (American hence the non-Brit spelling)
            > > Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
            > >
            > >
            > > A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon
            > > a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
            > >
            > >
            > > Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
            > > I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
            > >
            > > I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
            > >
            > > I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
            > > Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
            > >
            > > Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
            > >
            > > The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
            > >
            > > This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
            > >
            > > MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
            > >
            > > After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
            > >
            > > The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
            > >
            > > At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
            > >
            > > Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
            > >
            > > When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthetist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
            > > Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
            > >
            > > There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
            > >
            > > 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
            > >
            > > 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
            > >
            > > I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
            > > Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
            > >
            > > On the subject of Colonoscopies...
            > > Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
            > >
            > > 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
            > >
            > > 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
            > >
            > > 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
            > >
            > > 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
            > >
            > > 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
            > >
            > > 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
            > >
            > > 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
            > >
            > > 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
            > >
            > > 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
            > >
            > > 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
            > >
            > > 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
            > >
            > > 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
            > >
            > > And the best one of all:
            > > 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
            > >
            > > I am a great believer in laughter being the best medicine and trust
            > > this exercises your chuckle muscles.
            > > As ever
            > > Wings
            > >
            > > Ps. My grateful acknowledgement to Dave Barry
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > > I
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > > To Dr.Worthington, Carolyn Waters and all those people in the Endoscopy department dedicated to easing the embarrassment and discomfort of their patients during the traumatic experience of colonoscopy.
            > >
            > > From a grateful patient
            > > Alan F Harris NHS number: 4066752128.
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > > ABOUT THE WRITER (American hence the non-Brit spelling)
            > > Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
            > > Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
            > >
            > >
            > > A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon
            > > a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
            > >
            > >
            > > Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
            > > I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
            > >
            > > I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
            > >
            > > I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
            > > Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
            > >
            > > Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
            > >
            > > The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
            > >
            > > This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
            > >
            > > MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
            > >
            > > After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
            > >
            > > The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
            > >
            > > At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
            > >
            > > Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
            > >
            > > When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthetist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
            > > Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
            > >
            > > There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
            > >
            > > 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
            > >
            > > 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
            > >
            > > I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
            > > Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
            > >
            > > On the subject of Colonoscopies...
            > > Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
            > >
            > > 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
            > >
            > > 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
            > >
            > > 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
            > >
            > > 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
            > >
            > > 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
            > >
            > > 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
            > >
            > > 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
            > >
            > > 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
            > >
            > > 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
            > >
            > > 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
            > >
            > > 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
            > >
            > > 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
            > >
            > > And the best one of all:
            > > 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
            > >
            > > I am a great believer in laughter being the best medicine and trust
            > > this exercises your chuckle muscles.
            > > Very best regards.
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > > I
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
            > >
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            > > To Dr.Worthington, Carolyn Waters and all those people in the Endoscopy department dedicated to easing the embarrassment and discomfort of their patients during the traumatic experience of colonoscopy.
            > >
            > > From a grateful patient
            > > Alan F Harris NHS number: 4066752128.
            > >
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            > >
            > > ABOUT THE WRITER (American hence the non-Brit spelling)
            > > Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
            > > Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
            > >
            > >
            > > A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon
            > > a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
            > >
            > >
            > > Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
            > > I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
            > >
            > > I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
            > >
            > > I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
            > > Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
            > >
            > > Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
            > >
            > > The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
            > >
            > > This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
            > >
            > > MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
            > >
            > > After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
            > >
            > > The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
            > >
            > > At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
            > >
            > > Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
            > >
            > > When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthetist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
            > > Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
            > >
            > > There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
            > >
            > > 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
            > >
            > > 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
            > >
            > > I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
            > > Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
            > >
            > > On the subject of Colonoscopies...
            > > Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
            > >
            > > 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
            > >
            > > 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
            > >
            > > 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
            > >
            > > 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
            > >
            > > 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
            > >
            > > 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
            > >
            > > 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
            > >
            > > 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
            > >
            > > 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
            > >
            > > 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
            > >
            > > 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
            > >
            > > 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
            > >
            > > And the best one of all:
            > > 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
            > >
            > > I am a great believer in laughter being the best medicine and trust
            > > this exercises your chuckle muscles.
            > > Very best regards.
            > >
            > >
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            > >
            > >
            > > I
            > >
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