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Updated my pitch, feedback please

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  • Jay Doggett
    I have reworked this several times in between periods of working on Volume teo of the Mindswords. What do you all think? Jake, in his seventeenth year of
    Message 1 of 6 , Feb 18, 2013
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      I have reworked this several times in between periods of working on Volume teo of the Mindswords.
       
      What do you all think?
       

      Jake, in his seventeenth year of Mindsword training, suffers the death of his father, signaling the onset of pavor nocturnus, horrific night 
      terrors. Night after night, crazy scenes of a nine-foot tall cat and man-sized rats wreck his sleep. Sometimes he gets lucky and dreams of the dark-haired girl.

      His friends, determined to cheer him up, plan a hike in the woods. That hike changes their lives forever.

       

      Deep in the forest, the friends discover a dark and ancient path leading to a clearing and a long forgotten well. One discovers part of the well house floating below and drops a rope to pull out the rotten boards. Something grabs the rope and yanks them all under the putrid black water.

       

      The hikers accidentally flush themselves through time and space to a world dominated by the genus rattus; rodents, tall as a man, that walk
      upright, and breed humans for food and slave labor.

       

      Sluiced to the world of Jake's nightmares, the travelers survive deadly attacks, encounter horse-sized talking canines, and finally meet the dreaded Harvile rat-men forces in battle. The culmination of this moral and physical crusade is Jake’s single-handed duel against the deadly Ix, a nine-foot tall, twelve hundred pound feline predator.

       

      Blade and Arrow is an exciting adventure; an entertaining tale of friendship, honesty, and loyalty, conjuring up elements of Stephen King's "Stand By Me," 
      C.S. Lewis's Narnia books, and J. K. Rowling’s “Harry Potter.”
       
      Jay
    • Susan Donahue
      Dear Jay, I am not sure who would respond positively to this pitch. Granted, there are people who love terror, but this suggests a story that would keep me up
      Message 2 of 6 , Feb 20, 2013
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        Dear Jay,

        I am not sure who would respond positively to this pitch. Granted, there are people who love terror, but this suggests a story that would keep me up nights.

        You set up your protagonist, already in a disturbed state of mind, to face a situation that will plunge him into terror. Are there readers who really want to take on that sort of fiction? Would they prefer to understand what mindsword powers are and hope to be shown how the hero of the story can test those powers against worthy foes?

        Man-eating rats? Sorry, I don't see this turning out well.

        Suzianne

        P.S. I hope someone can give you a more encouraging critique.


        --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Jay Doggett" <jmdoggett@...> wrote:
        >
        > I have reworked this several times in between periods of working on Volume teo of the Mindswords.
        >
        > What do you all think?
        >
        > Jake, in his seventeenth year of Mindsword training, suffers the death of his father, signaling the onset of pavor nocturnus, horrific night
        > terrors. Night after night, crazy scenes of a nine-foot tall cat and man-sized rats wreck his sleep. Sometimes he gets lucky and dreams of the dark-haired girl.
        >
        > His friends, determined to cheer him up, plan a hike in the woods. That hike changes their lives forever.
        >
        >
        >
        > Deep in the forest, the friends discover a dark and ancient path leading to a clearing and a long forgotten well. One discovers part of the well house floating below and drops a rope to pull out the rotten boards. Something grabs the rope and yanks them all under the putrid black water.
        >
        >
        >
        > The hikers accidentally flush themselves through time and space to a world dominated by the genus rattus; rodents, tall as a man, that walk
        > upright, and breed humans for food and slave labor.
        >
        >
        >
        > Sluiced to the world of Jake's nightmares, the travelers survive deadly attacks, encounter horse-sized talking canines, and finally meet the dreaded Harvile rat-men forces in battle. The culmination of this moral and physical crusade is Jake’s single-handed duel against the deadly Ix, a nine-foot tall, twelve hundred pound feline predator.
        >
        >
        >
        > Blade and Arrow is an exciting adventure; an entertaining tale of friendship, honesty, and loyalty, conjuring up elements of Stephen King's "Stand By Me,"
        > C.S. Lewis's Narnia books, and J. K. Rowling’s “Harry Potter.”
        >
        > Jay
        >
      • Wings081
        Hi Jay Not my cup of tea but horror writers of the past & present have been quite moderately successful. Jack Ketchum caused a stir with his: The girl next
        Message 3 of 6 , Feb 20, 2013
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          Hi Jay
          Not my cup of tea but horror writers of the past & present
          have been quite moderately successful.
          Jack Ketchum caused a stir with his: "The girl next door" about
          kids brutally torturing the nieces of an alcoholic woman,
          often with her encouragement.
          His first book: "Off Season" about a clan of cannibals in Maine
          was eventually taken out of circulation because of its explicit
          content.
          Re: your "Men eating rats". " Let me tell you a story about
          "Rat eating men" and the time I was on the Western Front during WW1.
          In the trenches we were in muddy water to above our puttees.
          We hadn't washed for weeks and for drinking water, we strained
          the muddy waters at our feet through our spare socks to filter out
          the stones and human excrement.
          Our only relief after a long night's sentry duty was huddling beside a
          makeshift fire and cooking one of the many fat rats after they
          had engorged themselves on the putrid human remains of our
          comrades.
          When you think about WW1 you may think kindly of the Xmas
          when both sides left their trenches to enjoy a game of football.
          Instead I invite you to imagine yourself inadvertently stepping into the rotting carcase of the man with whom you shared a pint or two of ale at the Red Lion public house back in Blighty barely a month before.

          You will appreciate, I'm sure, why, at the next kerfuffle with
          the beastly Hun, I decided the safest and indeed the cleanest
          area of combat was high above the enemy's head, at the helm
          of an aircraft of the Royal Air Force.
          Finally Jay:I may not purchase books on horror but there is a call for that genre and I wish you well in your endeavours.
          As always
          Wings.
        • Jay Doggett
          Dear Wings, Thank you for your reply. Both you and Suzianne provided me several things to consider, not least of which is that you identified the genre as
          Message 4 of 6 , Feb 20, 2013
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            Dear Wings,
             
                Thank you for your reply. Both you and Suzianne provided me several things to consider, not least of which is that you identified the genre as Horror and not Sci/Fi Fantasy.
             
                It definitely has strong elements of horror in it.
             
            Cheers!
            Jay
             
             
             
            -----Original Message-----
            From: ticket2write@yahoogroups.com [mailto:ticket2write@yahoogroups.com]On Behalf Of Wings081
            Sent: Wednesday, February 20, 2013 10:53 AM
            To: ticket2write@yahoogroups.com
            Subject: [ticket2write] Re: Updated my pitch, (Jay Doggett 41718)

             


            Hi Jay
            Not my cup of tea but horror writers of the past & present
            have been quite moderately successful.
            Jack Ketchum caused a stir with his: "The girl next door" about
            kids brutally torturing the nieces of an alcoholic woman,
            often with her encouragement.
            His first book: "Off Season" about a clan of cannibals in Maine
            was eventually taken out of circulation because of its explicit
            content.
            Re: your "Men eating rats". " Let me tell you a story about
            "Rat eating men" and the time I was on the Western Front during WW1.
            In the trenches we were in muddy water to above our puttees.
            We hadn't washed for weeks and for drinking water, we strained
            the muddy waters at our feet through our spare socks to filter out
            the stones and human excrement.
            Our only relief after a long night's sentry duty was huddling beside a
            makeshift fire and cooking one of the many fat rats after they
            had engorged themselves on the putrid human remains of our
            comrades.
            When you think about WW1 you may think kindly of the Xmas
            when both sides left their trenches to enjoy a game of football.
            Instead I invite you to imagine yourself inadvertently stepping into the rotting carcase of the man with whom you shared a pint or two of ale at the Red Lion public house back in Blighty barely a month before.

            You will appreciate, I'm sure, why, at the next kerfuffle with
            the beastly Hun, I decided the safest and indeed the cleanest
            area of combat was high above the enemy's head, at the helm
            of an aircraft of the Royal Air Force.
            Finally Jay:I may not purchase books on horror but there is a call for that genre and I wish you well in your endeavours.
            As always
            Wings.

          • Jay Doggett
            Suzianne, Thank you for your feedback! I will add it all to the pile I refer to when I edit this again. Cheers! Jay ... From: ticket2write@yahoogroups.com
            Message 5 of 6 , Feb 20, 2013
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              Suzianne,
               
              Thank you for your feedback! I will add it all to the pile I refer to when I edit this again.
               
              Cheers!
              Jay
               
              -----Original Message-----
              From: ticket2write@yahoogroups.com [mailto:ticket2write@yahoogroups.com]On Behalf Of Susan Donahue
              Sent: Wednesday, February 20, 2013 7:12 AM
              To: ticket2write@yahoogroups.com
              Subject: [ticket2write] Re: Updated my pitch, feedback please

               

              Dear Jay,

              I am not sure who would respond positively to this pitch. Granted, there are people who love terror, but this suggests a story that would keep me up nights.

              You set up your protagonist, already in a disturbed state of mind, to face a situation that will plunge him into terror. Are there readers who really want to take on that sort of fiction? Would they prefer to understand what mindsword powers are and hope to be shown how the hero of the story can test those powers against worthy foes?

              Man-eating rats? Sorry, I don't see this turning out well.

              Suzianne

              P.S. I hope someone can give you a more encouraging critique.

              --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Jay Doggett" wrote:
              >
              > I have reworked this several times in between periods of working on Volume teo of the Mindswords.
              >
              > What do you all think?
              >
              > Jake, in his seventeenth year of Mindsword training, suffers the death of his father, signaling the onset of pavor nocturnus, horrific night
              > terrors. Night after night, crazy scenes of a nine-foot tall cat and man-sized rats wreck his sleep. Sometimes he gets lucky and dreams of the dark-haired girl.
              >
              > His friends, determined to cheer him up, plan a hike in the woods. That hike changes their lives forever.
              >
              >
              >
              > Deep in the forest, the friends discover a dark and ancient path leading to a clearing and a long forgotten well. One discovers part of the well house floating below and drops a rope to pull out the rotten boards. Something grabs the rope and yanks them all under the putrid black water.
              >
              >
              >
              > The hikers accidentally flush themselves through time and space to a world dominated by the genus rattus; rodents, tall as a man, that walk
              > upright, and breed humans for food and slave labor.
              >
              >
              >
              > Sluiced to the world of Jake's nightmares, the travelers survive deadly attacks, encounter horse-sized talking canines, and finally meet the dreaded Harvile rat-men forces in battle. The culmination of this moral and physical crusade is Jake’s single-handed duel against the deadly Ix, a nine-foot tall, twelve hundred pound feline predator.
              >
              >
              >
              > Blade and Arrow is an exciting adventure; an entertaining tale of friendship, honesty, and loyalty, conjuring up elements of Stephen King's "Stand By Me,"
              > C.S. Lewis's Narnia books, and J. K. Rowling’s “Harry Potter.”
              >
              > Jay
              >

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