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RE: [ticket2write] Re: Help with my pitch? (Jay)

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  • Jay Doggett
    Carol, Thank you! How do you feel the new one compares to the old one? Just curious. Jay ... From: ticket2write@yahoogroups.com
    Message 1 of 7 , Apr 17, 2012
      Carol,
       
           Thank you! How do you feel the new one compares to the old one? Just curious.
       
      Jay
       
      -----Original Message-----
      From: ticket2write@yahoogroups.com [mailto:ticket2write@yahoogroups.com]On Behalf Of carol_emt87
      Sent: Tuesday, April 17, 2012 4:04 PM
      To: ticket2write@yahoogroups.com
      Subject: [ticket2write] Re: Help with my pitch? (Jay)

       

      Hi Jay,
      Shortly after the death of his father, Jake is plagued with nightmares of being hunted by a monstrously evil creature, the Ix. His companions (how many and is this the right word? Would friends be a better choice here?) convince him to go for a hike in the woods to cheer him up, but none of them can expect the fate that befalls them(I think you can build tension without this phrase. Maybe less is more here).
      In the deepest part of the forest they find an obscured and bowered path (how about tangled or overgrown path?). They follow it to a clearing where they discover long forgotten well and being teenage boys they do what teenage boys do. Jake's friend Tony drops a rope into the mess at the bottom to investigate. The result is horrific. Something grabs the rope and pulls them under the icy black water.

      Here's my suggested rewrite.
      Shortly after his father dies, Jake is plagued with nightmares of being hunted by a monstrously evil creature, the Ix. His friends, Tony, *** and *** take their friend Jake on a hike in the woods to cheer him up. The (# of guys) young men hike deep into a forest, following a tangled, overgrown path. When Tony drops a rope down the old well in a clearing, something pulls the rope and yanks him (them?) in.

      I hope this is helpful. Now back to my writing....
      Carol

      --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Jay Doggett" <jmdoggett@...> wrote:
      >
      > Hi everyone,
      >
      > As I wrote earlier, like Rod I entered teh Amazon/CreateSpace contest.
      > They did not select my pitch to go on to the next round. I just rewrote it,
      > and I seek your feedback and suggestions.
      >
      > Here is what I submitted:
      >
      > Jake's journey to adulthood is filled with conflict and danger. His parents
      > want him to fit in among the humans, but his father wants him to quit the
      > high school football team. His mom wants him to quit delving the thoughts of
      > the neighbors and his dreams tell him he must save a world.
      >
      >
      >
      > Jake wants to play football, hike with his brother and his buds, and
      > schmooze the chicks at school. His dad wants him to quit the team because
      > Jake has an unfair advantage. His brain computes every variable of the
      > opposing team, the environment, and the terrain, instantly. His body acts on
      > that data at the speed of instinct, with superhuman ability. His father
      > needs Jake to fit in, not stand out. Not like that, anyway. He can't expose
      > their secret.
      >
      >
      >
      > Jake's mom teaches him to ignore the urge to delve the minds of the
      > neighbors. Besides leaving them a little dazed and nauseous, it's a wrongful
      > invasion of their thoughts. "Yes, the humans are confusing," she tells him,
      > "They say one thing, their body language says another, and their thoughts
      > contradict everything else. Nevertheless, do not read their minds."
      >
      >
      >
      > If all that wasn't enough, nightmares plague him. Haunted by violent visions
      > of human suffering, slavery and death at the hands of a single monstrously
      > evil creature, the Ix, Jake knows it will fall to him to face her, though he
      > knows not where or when.
      >
      >
      >
      > The time of change and challenge approaches.
      >
      >
      >
      > So I researched the description of other books on Amazon for formatting and
      > content ideas. I looked at some web sites that discuss this too, and crafted
      > this revision:
      >
      >
      >
      > Shortly after the death of his father, Jake is plagued with nightmares of
      > being hunted by a monstrously evil creature, the Ix. His companions
      > convince him to go for a hike in the woods to cheer him up, but none of them
      > can expect the fate that befalls them.
      >
      >
      >
      > In the deepest part of the forest they find an obscured and bowered path.
      > They follow it to a clearing where they discover long forgotten well and
      > being teenage boys they do what teenage boys do. Jake's friend Tony drops a
      > rope into the mess at the bottom to investigate. The result is horrific.
      > Something grabs the rope and pulls them under the icy black water.
      >
      >
      >
      >
      >
      > What do you think?
      >
      >
      >
      > Jay
      >

    • carol_emt87
      Hi Jay, I definitely think they are better. Here s what I was told. For a synopsis, you want to keep it short and sweet--one sentence or one paragraph.
      Message 2 of 7 , Apr 17, 2012
        Hi Jay,
        I definitely think they are better. Here's what I was told. For a synopsis, you want to keep it short and sweet--one sentence or one paragraph. Basically, you tell the reader or editor "stuff that happens to someone you/we care about." Now that sounds simple enough, doesn't it? Give it a try.
        Carol

        --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Jay Doggett" <jmdoggett@...> wrote:
        >
        > Carol,
        >
        > Thank you! How do you feel the new one compares to the old one? Just
        > curious.
        >
        > Jay
        >
        > -----Original Message-----
        > From: ticket2write@yahoogroups.com [mailto:ticket2write@yahoogroups.com]On
        > Behalf Of carol_emt87
        > Sent: Tuesday, April 17, 2012 4:04 PM
        > To: ticket2write@yahoogroups.com
        > Subject: [ticket2write] Re: Help with my pitch? (Jay)
        >
        >
        >
        > Hi Jay,
        > Shortly after the death of his father, Jake is plagued with nightmares of
        > being hunted by a monstrously evil creature, the Ix. His companions (how
        > many and is this the right word? Would friends be a better choice here?)
        > convince him to go for a hike in the woods to cheer him up, but none of them
        > can expect the fate that befalls them(I think you can build tension without
        > this phrase. Maybe less is more here).
        > In the deepest part of the forest they find an obscured and bowered path
        > (how about tangled or overgrown path?). They follow it to a clearing where
        > they discover long forgotten well and being teenage boys they do what
        > teenage boys do. Jake's friend Tony drops a rope into the mess at the bottom
        > to investigate. The result is horrific. Something grabs the rope and pulls
        > them under the icy black water.
        >
        > Here's my suggested rewrite.
        > Shortly after his father dies, Jake is plagued with nightmares of being
        > hunted by a monstrously evil creature, the Ix. His friends, Tony, *** and
        > *** take their friend Jake on a hike in the woods to cheer him up. The (# of
        > guys) young men hike deep into a forest, following a tangled, overgrown
        > path. When Tony drops a rope down the old well in a clearing, something
        > pulls the rope and yanks him (them?) in.
        >
        > I hope this is helpful. Now back to my writing....
        > Carol
        >
        > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Jay Doggett" <jmdoggett@> wrote:
        > >
        > > Hi everyone,
        > >
        > > As I wrote earlier, like Rod I entered teh Amazon/CreateSpace contest.
        > > They did not select my pitch to go on to the next round. I just rewrote
        > it,
        > > and I seek your feedback and suggestions.
        > >
        > > Here is what I submitted:
        > >
        > > Jake's journey to adulthood is filled with conflict and danger. His
        > parents
        > > want him to fit in among the humans, but his father wants him to quit
        > the
        > > high school football team. His mom wants him to quit delving the
        > thoughts of
        > > the neighbors and his dreams tell him he must save a world.
        > >
        > >
        > >
        > > Jake wants to play football, hike with his brother and his buds, and
        > > schmooze the chicks at school. His dad wants him to quit the team
        > because
        > > Jake has an unfair advantage. His brain computes every variable of the
        > > opposing team, the environment, and the terrain, instantly. His body
        > acts on
        > > that data at the speed of instinct, with superhuman ability. His father
        > > needs Jake to fit in, not stand out. Not like that, anyway. He can't
        > expose
        > > their secret.
        > >
        > >
        > >
        > > Jake's mom teaches him to ignore the urge to delve the minds of the
        > > neighbors. Besides leaving them a little dazed and nauseous, it's a
        > wrongful
        > > invasion of their thoughts. "Yes, the humans are confusing," she tells
        > him,
        > > "They say one thing, their body language says another, and their
        > thoughts
        > > contradict everything else. Nevertheless, do not read their minds."
        > >
        > >
        > >
        > > If all that wasn't enough, nightmares plague him. Haunted by violent
        > visions
        > > of human suffering, slavery and death at the hands of a single
        > monstrously
        > > evil creature, the Ix, Jake knows it will fall to him to face her,
        > though he
        > > knows not where or when.
        > >
        > >
        > >
        > > The time of change and challenge approaches.
        > >
        > >
        > >
        > > So I researched the description of other books on Amazon for formatting
        > and
        > > content ideas. I looked at some web sites that discuss this too, and
        > crafted
        > > this revision:
        > >
        > >
        > >
        > > Shortly after the death of his father, Jake is plagued with nightmares
        > of
        > > being hunted by a monstrously evil creature, the Ix. His companions
        > > convince him to go for a hike in the woods to cheer him up, but none of
        > them
        > > can expect the fate that befalls them.
        > >
        > >
        > >
        > > In the deepest part of the forest they find an obscured and bowered
        > path.
        > > They follow it to a clearing where they discover long forgotten well and
        > > being teenage boys they do what teenage boys do. Jake's friend Tony
        > drops a
        > > rope into the mess at the bottom to investigate. The result is horrific.
        > > Something grabs the rope and pulls them under the icy black water.
        > >
        > >
        > >
        > >
        > >
        > > What do you think?
        > >
        > >
        > >
        > > Jay
        > >
        >
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