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Re: One more year.

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  • daddio_45
    ... Well wrought, I should say, but for some questions I would put concerning the punctuation: Can t say exactly why, but I found the ellipsis in the first
    Message 1 of 2 , Feb 2 12:26 PM
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      --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Bernard d" <rede2rollbaby@...> wrote:
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      > One more year.
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      > One more year…of apathy and gross inhumanity,
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      > moves predictably toward its familiar, dismal end.
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      > The forces of convenience and decorous humility,
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      > once more found core ideals impossible to defend.

      Well wrought, I should say, but for some questions I would put concerning the punctuation:

      Can't say exactly why, but I found the ellipsis in the first line to be a distraction, or more a blemish on the visual face of an otherwise very pretty stanza.

      But here's a question concerning the "familiar, dismal end." That comma--is it necessary? In prose of course it is, but aren't we really allowed the license, in poetry, to transcend those bounds?

      If there really is a difference between prose and poetry I should think that would be primarily it, that such structural requirements when they are not pretty or eloquent (as indeed they may be, in their poetic place) are a distraction more than a help--and the rule for poetry would be, "let the words in the flow of their natural rhythm speak for themselves." In verse the discourse does it poetically without that help and therefore doesn't need it, whereas non-poetic prose or disquisition decidedly does.

      > Inaptitude continues, a Social decline, to enhance,

      Here's the case in point. Upon first reading, that comma before "to enhance" broke the flow of the thought so abruptly that I saw not one thought here, but a sequence of two so that I somehow could not unify in mind the syntax between "Social decline" (why the upper case?) and "enhance". I honestly could not see the referent to "enhance", that it was "Social decline" being enhanced -- not only that but I had it planned to ask, "what is enhanced?" I really was going to ask you that! On this, I rest my case when it comes to the subject of "Punctuation, Help or Hindrance, in Poetry."

      > Awareness, had absconded, so Ignorance allowed,
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      > a new generation of human lemmings, to advance.
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      > Children, we shall lead you, old lemmings avowed.
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      > In patent progression, another year…another tear…
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      > lamenting, for Earth, as perennial torment persists.

      I could only wish that were "lamenting for Man", but it is your poem, man, not mine. ;-)

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      > Another similar dismal chapter presently to appear,
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      > Children will follow, the lemming mentality, insists…

      Excellent! Fine thoughts well wrought, indeed.

      > ©. Copyright: Bernard de Silva…27-Dec-09.
      --
      JM http://groups.google.com/group/original_fiction
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