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Re: I'm Not Really

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  • n2chi
    Hi Van, I liked it! You got me inside the kid s head and kept my attention. Couple of thoughts. I d make a stab at trying to keep it in one tense. Probably
    Message 1 of 7 , Oct 31, 2009
      Hi Van,
      I liked it! You got me inside the kid's head and kept my attention.
      Couple of thoughts. I'd make a stab at trying to keep it in one tense. Probably present. Also, I bet if you try you can get rid of some of the "I"'s. After a while, they begin to ring a bit. Last, the "homeless" aspect could really be played up more. You could hint it in the beginning and then amplify just a little and echo it at the end.
      Just some thoughts. Hope they help. Very nice piece, though, and you describe very well.
      Dave

      --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Van" <van72gogh@...> wrote:
      >
      > I woke up to some drunk man hitting the side of the car, his bottle makes a clinking sound as it drops to the pavement outside. My dad did not even look up. Just checked the door lock with his hand.
      >
      > I'm not really here. I'm in a comfortable bed, with sheets that smell like flowers, and a fluffy blanket that keeps my feet warm. A night light next to my night stand shows me how peaceful my room is when it is darkened by the night. The furnace kicking on tells me I don't have to worry about needing more blankets. My hallway tells me bad things are far away from me....zzz
      >
      > I woke up with sirens shaking me. My mom and dad huddle closer together. Gun shots cut through my chest, making me cry out. My mom reaches her hand back on my shoulder, "Go back to sleep, you are not hurt" she whispers.
      >
      > I'm not really here. I'm watching fireworks. Even though they hurt my ears, their colors are beautiful. Dad lets me play with the last of the sparkles while some of he traffic leaves. I dance with the lights, and glitter. I sing "Yankee Doodle" while we march to our parking area....zzz
      >
      > I woke up to thunder and lighting. Rain starts to drip down the sun-roof and onto the blanket. I'm now cold and wet. My brother gets up and sets a bucket under the leak, and turns back over.
      >
      > I'm not really here. I'm swimming at the beach. My mom yells for me to come and eat. She has hot dogs and hamburgers waiting on me. But, I love the water, and do not want to be out of it. So, I bring my food back and sit in the beach chair in the shallow water, while I eat. My feet still dangling....zzz
      >
      > I woke up and cops are yelling at my parents to get out of the car. They pull my brother and I out and put us in a police car. They put my parents in another car next to us, and they wait on a tow truck to come take our car.
      >
      > I'm not really here. I'm chasing the bad guys. I have a gun, hand cuffs, and a badge. I run them off the road. I drag them out and cuff them. I search their pockets. I found the keys. I run back to the police car to hit my dad on the radio. I tell him, I'm not really homeless anymore, 10-4.
      >
      >
      > Copyright to Shel
      >
    • Joey Mazzaferro
        HAPPY HALLOWEEN ... From: n2chi Subject: [ticket2write] Re: I m Not Really To: ticket2write@yahoogroups.com Date: Saturday,
      Message 2 of 7 , Oct 31, 2009
        Go to fullsize image
         
        HAPPY HALLOWEEN

        --- On Sat, 10/31/09, n2chi <davidgriffin@...> wrote:

        From: n2chi <davidgriffin@...>
        Subject: [ticket2write] Re: I'm Not Really
        To: ticket2write@yahoogroups.com
        Date: Saturday, October 31, 2009, 10:09 PM

         
        Hi Van,
        I liked it! You got me inside the kid's head and kept my attention.
        Couple of thoughts. I'd make a stab at trying to keep it in one tense. Probably present. Also, I bet if you try you can get rid of some of the "I"'s. After a while, they begin to ring a bit. Last, the "homeless" aspect could really be played up more. You could hint it in the beginning and then amplify just a little and echo it at the end.
        Just some thoughts. Hope they help. Very nice piece, though, and you describe very well.
        Dave

        --- In ticket2write@ yahoogroups. com, "Van" <van72gogh@. ..> wrote:
        >
        > I woke up to some drunk man hitting the side of the car, his bottle makes a clinking sound as it drops to the pavement outside. My dad did not even look up. Just checked the door lock with his hand.
        >
        > I'm not really here. I'm in a comfortable bed, with sheets that smell like flowers, and a fluffy blanket that keeps my feet warm. A night light next to my night stand shows me how peaceful my room is when it is darkened by the night. The furnace kicking on tells me I don't have to worry about needing more blankets. My hallway tells me bad things are far away from me....zzz
        >
        > I woke up with sirens shaking me. My mom and dad huddle closer together. Gun shots cut through my chest, making me cry out. My mom reaches her hand back on my shoulder, "Go back to sleep, you are not hurt" she whispers.
        >
        > I'm not really here. I'm watching fireworks. Even though they hurt my ears, their colors are beautiful. Dad lets me play with the last of the sparkles while some of he traffic leaves. I dance with the lights, and glitter. I sing "Yankee Doodle" while we march to our parking area....zzz
        >
        > I woke up to thunder and lighting. Rain starts to drip down the sun-roof and onto the blanket. I'm now cold and wet. My brother gets up and sets a bucket under the leak, and turns back over.
        >
        > I'm not really here. I'm swimming at the beach. My mom yells for me to come and eat. She has hot dogs and hamburgers waiting on me. But, I love the water, and do not want to be out of it. So, I bring my food back and sit in the beach chair in the shallow water, while I eat. My feet still dangling.... zzz
        >
        > I woke up and cops are yelling at my parents to get out of the car. They pull my brother and I out and put us in a police car. They put my parents in another car next to us, and they wait on a tow truck to come take our car.
        >
        > I'm not really here. I'm chasing the bad guys. I have a gun, hand cuffs, and a badge. I run them off the road. I drag them out and cuff them. I search their pockets. I found the keys. I run back to the police car to hit my dad on the radio. I tell him, I'm not really homeless anymore, 10-4.
        >
        >
        > Copyright to Shel
        >


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