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Poem (Untitled)

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  • Janet
    Hi all, Wrote this yesterday after a few trying days. I m not a poet, per se, but feedback is very welcome. I am withdrawn. Haunted not by ghosts or demons or
    Message 1 of 3 , Jun 24, 2009
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      Hi all,

      Wrote this yesterday after a few trying days. I'm not a poet, per se, but feedback is very welcome.

      I am withdrawn.
      Haunted not by
      ghosts
      or
      demons
      or
      guilt
      or fear,
      But of words
      Shat out of untrained
      mouths
      and
      pie-holes filled
      With
      recycled ignorance.

      I become ingrown.
      Turning inward
      Away from
      yawning maws,
      devoid
      drooling doo-doo
      dribbling dung.

      I notice leaves
      sprouting from
      mucousy waste.
      A yellow flower
      stretches
      velvet sleeves,
      reaching.

      Alive.

      Fed by
      carless castoffs,
      Repurposing
      mindless sludge
      into

      Art.
      words
      images
      That heal.

      Thanks for reading!

      Janet
      http://JanetBoyer.com
    • Susan Donahue
      Dear Janet, It sound like you had a really bad day. The first part of your poem sounds like raw rancor. By the time you got through that, a very nice poem
      Message 2 of 3 , Jun 25, 2009
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        Dear Janet,

        It sound like you had a really bad day. The first part of your poem sounds like raw rancor. By the time you got through that, a very nice poem emerged. You might consider dropping that first part and going with something like this:

        A yellow flower
        stretches
        velvet sleeves,
        reaching,
        alive,
        fed by
        careless castoffs,
        repurposing
        mindless sludge
        into art,
        words,
        images
        that heal.

        Oh, I am not wild about the word, "repurposing." It is too trendy. It is hard to watch a television program about gardening, redecorating or closet organization that does not employ that term.

        Anyway...Play with this poem and see if you can put the good parts to better use. No matter how bad things get, a poet should never sink into "drooling doo-doo." Yucky! LOL

        Suzianne


        --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Janet" <bluejay_2112@...> wrote:
        >
        > Hi all,
        >
        > Wrote this yesterday after a few trying days. I'm not a poet, per se, but feedback is very welcome.
        >
        > I am withdrawn.
        > Haunted not by
        > ghosts
        > or
        > demons
        > or
        > guilt
        > or fear,
        > But of words
        > Shat out of untrained
        > mouths
        > and
        > pie-holes filled
        > With
        > recycled ignorance.
        >
        > I become ingrown.
        > Turning inward
        > Away from
        > yawning maws,
        > devoid
        > drooling doo-doo
        > dribbling dung.
        >
        > I notice leaves
        > sprouting from
        > mucousy waste.
        > A yellow flower
        > stretches
        > velvet sleeves,
        > reaching.
        >
        > Alive.
        >
        > Fed by
        > carless castoffs,
        > Repurposing
        > mindless sludge
        > into
        >
        > Art.
        > words
        > images
        > That heal.
        >
        > Thanks for reading!
        >
        > Janet
        > http://JanetBoyer.com
        >
      • Janet
        ... Thanks Suzianne! LOL Yeah, very bad day. It was more cathartic than anything; helped push out the kaka (is that a better word? Hehehe), into a more
        Message 3 of 3 , Jun 30, 2009
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          --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Susan Donahue" <suzianne411@...> wrote:
          >
          Thanks Suzianne!

          LOL Yeah, very bad day. It was more cathartic than anything; helped push out the kaka (is that a better word? Hehehe), into a more creative phase of writing.

          I appreciate your feedback! Will ponder and see if I can make something out of this...

          All the best,

          Janet
          http://JanetBoyer.com

          > Dear Janet,
          >
          > It sound like you had a really bad day. The first part of your poem sounds like raw rancor. By the time you got through that, a very nice poem emerged. You might consider dropping that first part and going with something like this:
          >
          > A yellow flower
          > stretches
          > velvet sleeves,
          > reaching,
          > alive,
          > fed by
          > careless castoffs,
          > repurposing
          > mindless sludge
          > into art,
          > words,
          > images
          > that heal.
          >
          > Oh, I am not wild about the word, "repurposing." It is too trendy. It is hard to watch a television program about gardening, redecorating or closet organization that does not employ that term.
          >
          > Anyway...Play with this poem and see if you can put the good parts to better use. No matter how bad things get, a poet should never sink into "drooling doo-doo." Yucky! LOL
          >
          > Suzianne
          >
          >
          > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Janet" <bluejay_2112@> wrote:
          > >
          > > Hi all,
          > >
          > > Wrote this yesterday after a few trying days. I'm not a poet, per se, but feedback is very welcome.
          > >
          > > I am withdrawn.
          > > Haunted not by
          > > ghosts
          > > or
          > > demons
          > > or
          > > guilt
          > > or fear,
          > > But of words
          > > Shat out of untrained
          > > mouths
          > > and
          > > pie-holes filled
          > > With
          > > recycled ignorance.
          > >
          > > I become ingrown.
          > > Turning inward
          > > Away from
          > > yawning maws,
          > > devoid
          > > drooling doo-doo
          > > dribbling dung.
          > >
          > > I notice leaves
          > > sprouting from
          > > mucousy waste.
          > > A yellow flower
          > > stretches
          > > velvet sleeves,
          > > reaching.
          > >
          > > Alive.
          > >
          > > Fed by
          > > carless castoffs,
          > > Repurposing
          > > mindless sludge
          > > into
          > >
          > > Art.
          > > words
          > > images
          > > That heal.
          > >
          > > Thanks for reading!
          > >
          > > Janet
          > > http://JanetBoyer.com
          > >
          >
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