Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.
 

Re: Hi, don't be to harsh! (Lorri 38222)

Expand Messages
  • detectivetraininginstitute
    ... Come on, Rod. A couple of centimeters isn t bad. They move seperatly, though, so that the ground remains solid beneath you. _____ Lorri
    Message 1 of 10 , Apr 4, 2009
      --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, albiaicehouse <no_reply@...> wrote:
      >
      > A couple of centimeters?
      >
      > Yikes! I thought I was over flashbacks like that!
      >
      > Rod
      > aka albi
      >
      > http://www.geocities.com/neocoda
      >
      >
      > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "detectivetraininginstitute" <detectivetraininginstitute@> wrote:
      > >
      > > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, albiaicehouse <no_reply@> wrote:
      > > >
      > > > Wings and Lorri,
      > > >
      > > > Wings may have stumbled onto how to make this poem stand out more.
      > > >
      > > > Consider Mary Oliver's Poem: Morning
      > > >
      > > > The beginning:
      > > >
      > > > "Every morning
      > > > the world
      > > > is created.
      > > > Under the orange
      > > >
      > > > sticks of the sun
      > > > the heaped
      > > > ashes of the night
      > > > turn into leaves again
      > > >
      > > > and fasten themselves to the high branches ---"
      > > >
      > > > Maybe when the moon rises, the trees do land? Or stand? Or extend out of the ground? Or shuffle forward out of the inky black?
      > > >
      > > > I call these "verbal metaphors". Something in the poem DOES something, hence the "verb" part of the phrase, which one doesn't normally associate or isn't completely accurate, but the mind of the reader accommodates the action and creates a wider association to the image.
      > > >
      > > > Actually, when I look back, the poem does have the trees, land, and water shivering, so maybe that's already intended?
      > > >
      > > > The only problem for me is that water often shivers and I can't see the land and trees shivering in the same way, so my mind gets distracted. Maybe I'm too literal, but so I am.
      > > >
      > > > Next, we have a simile at: "An owl calls out like a flute."
      > > >
      > > > Why not change that completely to a metaphor? For instance, "An owl warbles his bass flute."
      > > >
      > > > Then I'd suggest showing " stars " to be possessive as " stars' " in the next to last line.
      > > >
      > > > Last, I'd consider sticking with standard punctuation. The Romans didn't use punctuation or even put spaces between words, andlookwhathappenedtothem.
      > > >
      > > > Seriously, punctuation does provide numerous and helpful clues to the reader. Think about whether you want to abandon those helpful devices.
      > > >
      > > > This may be the first time I've commented on your work, so please keep in mind these are just food for thought. You are the writer and can do as you please.
      > > >
      > > > I love nature poetry and I do thank you for starting off my day with your wonderful images!
      > > >
      > > > Rod
      > > > aka albi
      > > >
      > > > http://www.geocities.com/neocoda
      > > >
      > > > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "wings081" <wings081@> wrote:
      > > > >
      > > > > Dear Lorri
      > > > > That was a very good description of the night and very much the same as I experience where I live.
      > > > > Down 'in the sticks' with my nearest neighbour a quarter of a mile away, the light pollution of the early evening gives way to a panoply of heavenly bodies.Orion has his belt firmly girded to his waist, while the seven sisters smile down on him from above to his right.
      > > > > Polaris shines his fixed signpost to the the marine navigator as it has done for centuries past.
      > > > > And, but for the small glimmer from my garden solar pinpricks of light stored throughout the day,I might be alone in this world, master of the universe.
      > > > >
      > > > > You ask for a critique to be not too harsh and the only small fault about which I can comment is:
      > > > > "Trees land and water shines"
      > > > > Aeroplanes land, trees are firmly rooted, so a simple comma after
      > > > > Trees would sort out that little problem.
      > > > > Also I would have written: 'and waters shine'rather than water shines
      > > > > but it's your baby so dress it how you will.
      > > > >
      > > > > I'm sure you will accept any criticism with the same friendly spirit it is given for whatever comments you raise from others it proves
      > > > > your efforts are read.
      > > > >
      > > > > As always
      > > > >
      > > > > Wings
      > > > >
      > > > >
      > > > >
      > > > > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "detectivetraininginstitute" <detectivetraininginstitute@> wrote:
      > > > > >
      > > > > > Hey, guys! Don't be to harsh. I told you that I suck at poems.
      > > > > >
      > > > > > With silver the land slowly fills
      > > > > > As the moon rises and the light spills
      > > > > > The trees land and water shiver
      > > > > > listening to the soft laughter of the river
      > > > > > An owl calls out like a flute
      > > > > > Breaking the silence with a hoot
      > > > > > The lights turn off and the stars are seen
      > > > > > Adding beauty above the silvery sheen
      > > > > > Black velvet behind the stars twinkling lights
      > > > > > See the beauty of the night
      > > > > >
      > > > > > _____
      > > > > > Lorri
      > > > > >
      > > > >
      > > >
      > > Thanks, Rod :)
      > > I'll think about this when I'm writing. It was some pretty good advise, and I will consider putting in more active roles in poetry. I think that Nature is one of the best things to write about, even if it means writing about how the lion ate the lamb. When thinking about trees shivering, think about the wind, and how it blows the leaves bavk and forth on a nice day, but faster. When thinking about how the land shivers, DO NOT think of an earthquake. think of all the little particles of land moving a couple centimeters, and settling down afterwards.
      > >
      > > _____
      > > Lorri
      > >
      >
      Come on, Rod. A couple of centimeters isn't bad. They move seperatly, though, so that the ground remains solid beneath you.

      _____
      Lorri
    • detectivetraininginstitute
      No, Rich, it does not sound corny. Writing is sometimes hard, but I love it and could never stop. Writing WELL is my problem. ______ Lorri
      Message 2 of 10 , Apr 4, 2009
        No, Rich, it does not sound corny. Writing is sometimes hard, but I love it and could never stop. Writing WELL is my problem.

        ______
        Lorri


        --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Richard J. Bates" <icyimeir@...> wrote:
        >
        > 'Only slightly forced, but I have no doubt it'll all go deeper if you just keep on writing. There's a river of intuition right below the self consciousness and it's yours to swim in. [If that doesn't sound too corny to say.]
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "detectivetraininginstitute" <detectivetraininginstitute@> wrote:
        > >
        > > Hey, guys! Don't be to harsh. I told you that I suck at poems.
        > >
        > > With silver the land slowly fills
        > > As the moon rises and the light spills
        > > The trees land and water shiver
        > > listening to the soft laughter of the river
        > > An owl calls out like a flute
        > > Breaking the silence with a hoot
        > > The lights turn off and the stars are seen
        > > Adding beauty above the silvery sheen
        > > Black velvet behind the stars twinkling lights
        > > See the beauty of the night
        > >
        > > _____
        > > Lorri
        > >
        >
      • Richard J. Bates
        Well Lorri, just keep on truckin then. (ha just some British humour!) I must say though ... it s a nice problem to have ... righting well I mean. My problem
        Message 3 of 10 , Apr 6, 2009
          Well Lorri, just keep on truckin' then. (ha just some British humour!)
          I must say though ... it's a nice problem to have ... righting well I mean.
          My problem is the reluctance to NOT write so as to never be able to stop.



          --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "detectivetraininginstitute" <detectivetraininginstitute@...> wrote:
          >
          > No, Rich, it does not sound corny. Writing is sometimes hard, but I love it and could never stop. Writing WELL is my problem.
          >
          > ______
          > Lorri
          >
          >
          > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Richard J. Bates" <icyimeir@> wrote:
          > >
          > > 'Only slightly forced, but I have no doubt it'll all go deeper if you just keep on writing. There's a river of intuition right below the self consciousness and it's yours to swim in. [If that doesn't sound too corny to say.]
          > >
          > >
          > >
          > >
          > >
          > >
          > > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "detectivetraininginstitute" <detectivetraininginstitute@> wrote:
          > > >
          > > > Hey, guys! Don't be to harsh. I told you that I suck at poems.
          > > >
          > > > With silver the land slowly fills
          > > > As the moon rises and the light spills
          > > > The trees land and water shiver
          > > > listening to the soft laughter of the river
          > > > An owl calls out like a flute
          > > > Breaking the silence with a hoot
          > > > The lights turn off and the stars are seen
          > > > Adding beauty above the silvery sheen
          > > > Black velvet behind the stars twinkling lights
          > > > See the beauty of the night
          > > >
          > > > _____
          > > > Lorri
          > > >
          > >
          >
        Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.