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Re: British humour number two from Wings (37019 Douglas)

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  • wings081
    Hi Douglas I m sure I speak for most of the British readers of this site, when I thank you for understanding our brand of humour and replying with an example
    Message 1 of 4 , Jul 4 4:10 PM
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      Hi Douglas

      I'm sure I speak for most of the British readers of this site,
      when I thank you for understanding our brand of humour and replying
      with an example of yours.
      I'm fairly certain that as our closest allies, right minded
      Americans realise much of what we say, whether facetious,jocular or
      even ludicrous,is only intended to be received as pleasantries.
      Petulant maybe,whimsical or even capricious,but with no evil intent.

      By coincidence,in my paper today is a short article about we Brits
      and romance.
      I quote:
      " Britons lead the way in using laughter and jokes to win over the
      opposite sex according to a survey.
      Europeans questioned by online dating agency 'Dating Direct'.com
      believe the British have the best sense of humour, and this makes us
      more successful at seduction than they are.
      Bottom of the list comes the Germans,who are considered by other
      Europeans to be the least attractive,the coldest,and least lucky in
      love.
      On the plus side, the Germans are considered the sportiest" unquote

      So there you go Douglas, if you want to get a girl tucked up out of
      the cold, tickle her chuckle muscles.

      As always

      Wings












      --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "douglas.ryan68"
      <douglas.ryan68@...> wrote:
      >
      > SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
      >
      > To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern
      > Ireland:
      >
      > We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be
      > exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a
      > distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're
      > actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire!
      > Right-o chum!
      >
      > However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for
      intervention.
      > On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce
      your
      > new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that
      you
      > have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have
      > decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic
      > republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact
      considered
      > a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.
      >
      > To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have
      > compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
      >
      > 1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you
      aren't
      > always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your
      > "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the
      > name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common
      > usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming
      > convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to
      > switch back to the <I>original</I> spelling and pronunciation of
      the
      > word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also
      > like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum
      was
      > developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).
      >
      > However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary.
      > It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the
      > words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American
      > civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.
      >
      > 2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then
      > we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
      >
      > 3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 -
      > 97.85 = 2.15)
      >
      > 4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own
      > movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked
      > "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The
      > Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy
      Elliot".
      > But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural
      powerhouse.
      > However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good
      > work on that front.
      >
      > 5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its
      title
      > whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national
      > anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that
      > Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could
      > adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.
      >
      > 6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in:
      > United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer
      > Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive
      > showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the
      > tournament without having your fans start an international incident.
      >
      > 7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n'
      > Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the
      best
      > food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to
      the
      > culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps
      > when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan
      they'll
      > teach you how to cook.
      >
      > 8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious
      > error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second
      > problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship
      it
      > to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like
      > Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.
      >
      > 9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize
      for "Teletubbies".
      > <
      > Thank you for your time. Yu can now return to watching bad
      Australian
      > soap operas.
      >
      > P.S. Regarding WW2: You're Welcome.---
      >
      > In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "wings081" <wings081@> wrote:
      > >
      > > "A Message from John Cleese - British comedian:"
      > >
      > >
      > > To the citizens of the United States of America :
      > >
      > > In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
      > > candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern
      yourselves,
      > we
      > > hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
      > effective
      > > immediately.
      > >
      > > Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
      > > duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
      > > Kansas, which she does not fancy).
      > >
      > > Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor
      for
      > > America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
      > > Senate will be disbanded.
      > >
      > > A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
      > any
      > > of you noticed.
      > >
      > >
      > > To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
      > following
      > > rules are introduced with immediate effect:
      > >
      > > You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
      > >
      > > 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You
      > > will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
      > >
      > > 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such
      > > as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn
      to
      > > spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the
      suffix
      > '-
      > > ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.
      > >
      > > Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
      > > acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary' ).
      > >
      > > 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
      > noises
      > > such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
      > form
      > > of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will
      let
      > > Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will
      be
      > > adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
      > > elimination of -ize.
      > >
      > > 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
      > >
      > > 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
      > > lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
      and
      > > therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
      > Guns
      > > should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
      > sort
      > > things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
      > > you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
      > >
      > > 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
      > anything
      > > more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required
      > if
      > > you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
      > >
      > > 7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
      > will
      > > start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
      time,
      > > you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
      of
      > > conversion tables.
      > > Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
      > British
      > > sense of humour.
      > >
      > > 8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
      > been
      > > calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
      > >
      > > 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
      French
      > > fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
      > > potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick
      cut,
      > > fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
      > >
      > > 10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
      > > actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
      > be
      > > referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
      > > provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is
      also
      > > acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting
      Nation
      > > on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part
      of
      > > British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands
      > will
      > > be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be
      sold
      > > without risk of further confusion.
      > >
      > > 11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
      actors
      > as
      > > good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
      > to
      > > play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
      > > dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
      > > having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
      > >
      > > 12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one
      > kind
      > > of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
      > > will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
      > similarities
      > > to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
      > every
      > > twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
      > > nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will
      > thrash
      > > you, like they regularly thrash us.
      > >
      > > 13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
      > to
      > > host an event called the World Series for a game which is not
      > played
      > > outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there
      is
      > a
      > > world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
      > > learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first
      to
      > > take the sting out of their deliveries.
      > >
      > > 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
      > >
      > > 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
      > Majesty's
      > > Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of
      > all
      > > monies due (backdated to 1776).
      > >
      > > 16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
      > > saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
      > > cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
      > >
      > > God Save the Queen
      > >
      > > Note from Wings:
      > > I take exception to the John Cleese remark about HM not fancying
      > > Kansas, for I once spent a very pleasant evening with the ladies
      of
      > > the Kappa Kappa Gamma Sorority on the campus of Kansas University.
      > >
      >
      > Actually, John Cleese didn't invent this, acctording to Snopes.
      > http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp Snopes has
      > other versions of the letter, as well the rebuttal that I posted
      (and
      > other rebuttals)
      >
    • Manfred
      Goodonya Doug - loved it ... :o)
      Message 2 of 4 , Jul 4 5:42 PM
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        Goodonya Doug - loved it ... :o)


        --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "douglas.ryan68"
        <douglas.ryan68@...> wrote:
        >
        > SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
        >
        > To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern
        > Ireland:
        >
        > We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be
        > exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a
        > distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're
        > actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire!
        > Right-o chum!



        >
        > Actually, John Cleese didn't invent this, acctording to Snopes.
        > http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp Snopes has
        > other versions of the letter, as well the rebuttal that I posted (and
        > other rebuttals)
        >
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