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Re: British humour number two from Wings

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  • douglas.ryan68
    SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland: We welcome your concern about our
    Message 1 of 4 , Jul 4, 2008
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      SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

      To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern
      Ireland:

      We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be
      exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a
      distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're
      actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire!
      Right-o chum!

      However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention.
      On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your
      new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you
      have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have
      decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic
      republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered
      a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

      To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have
      compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

      1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't
      always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your
      "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the
      name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common
      usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming
      convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to
      switch back to the <I>original</I> spelling and pronunciation of the
      word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also
      like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was
      developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).

      However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary.
      It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the
      words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American
      civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

      2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then
      we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

      3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 -
      97.85 = 2.15)

      4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own
      movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked
      "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The
      Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot".
      But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse.
      However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good
      work on that front.

      5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title
      whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national
      anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that
      Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could
      adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

      6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in:
      United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer
      Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive
      showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the
      tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

      7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n'
      Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best
      food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the
      culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps
      when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll
      teach you how to cook.

      8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious
      error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second
      problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it
      to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like
      Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

      9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
      <
      Thank you for your time. Yu can now return to watching bad Australian
      soap operas.

      P.S. Regarding WW2: You're Welcome.---

      In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "wings081" <wings081@...> wrote:
      >
      > "A Message from John Cleese - British comedian:"
      >
      >
      > To the citizens of the United States of America :
      >
      > In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
      > candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
      we
      > hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
      effective
      > immediately.
      >
      > Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
      > duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
      > Kansas, which she does not fancy).
      >
      > Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
      > America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
      > Senate will be disbanded.
      >
      > A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
      any
      > of you noticed.
      >
      >
      > To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
      following
      > rules are introduced with immediate effect:
      >
      > You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
      >
      > 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You
      > will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
      >
      > 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such
      > as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to
      > spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix
      '-
      > ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.
      >
      > Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
      > acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary' ).
      >
      > 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
      noises
      > such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
      form
      > of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
      > Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be
      > adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
      > elimination of -ize.
      >
      > 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
      >
      > 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
      > lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
      > therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
      Guns
      > should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
      sort
      > things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
      > you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
      >
      > 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
      anything
      > more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required
      if
      > you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
      >
      > 7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
      will
      > start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
      > you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
      > conversion tables.
      > Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
      British
      > sense of humour.
      >
      > 8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
      been
      > calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
      >
      > 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
      > fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
      > potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
      > fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
      >
      > 10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
      > actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
      be
      > referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
      > provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
      > acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation
      > on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of
      > British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands
      will
      > be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
      > without risk of further confusion.
      >
      > 11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
      as
      > good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
      to
      > play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
      > dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
      > having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
      >
      > 12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one
      kind
      > of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
      > will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
      similarities
      > to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
      every
      > twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
      > nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will
      thrash
      > you, like they regularly thrash us.
      >
      > 13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
      to
      > host an event called the World Series for a game which is not
      played
      > outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is
      a
      > world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
      > learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to
      > take the sting out of their deliveries.
      >
      > 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
      >
      > 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
      Majesty's
      > Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of
      all
      > monies due (backdated to 1776).
      >
      > 16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
      > saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
      > cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
      >
      > God Save the Queen
      >
      > Note from Wings:
      > I take exception to the John Cleese remark about HM not fancying
      > Kansas, for I once spent a very pleasant evening with the ladies of
      > the Kappa Kappa Gamma Sorority on the campus of Kansas University.
      >

      Actually, John Cleese didn't invent this, acctording to Snopes.
      http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp Snopes has
      other versions of the letter, as well the rebuttal that I posted (and
      other rebuttals)
    • wings081
      Hi Douglas I m sure I speak for most of the British readers of this site, when I thank you for understanding our brand of humour and replying with an example
      Message 2 of 4 , Jul 4, 2008
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        Hi Douglas

        I'm sure I speak for most of the British readers of this site,
        when I thank you for understanding our brand of humour and replying
        with an example of yours.
        I'm fairly certain that as our closest allies, right minded
        Americans realise much of what we say, whether facetious,jocular or
        even ludicrous,is only intended to be received as pleasantries.
        Petulant maybe,whimsical or even capricious,but with no evil intent.

        By coincidence,in my paper today is a short article about we Brits
        and romance.
        I quote:
        " Britons lead the way in using laughter and jokes to win over the
        opposite sex according to a survey.
        Europeans questioned by online dating agency 'Dating Direct'.com
        believe the British have the best sense of humour, and this makes us
        more successful at seduction than they are.
        Bottom of the list comes the Germans,who are considered by other
        Europeans to be the least attractive,the coldest,and least lucky in
        love.
        On the plus side, the Germans are considered the sportiest" unquote

        So there you go Douglas, if you want to get a girl tucked up out of
        the cold, tickle her chuckle muscles.

        As always

        Wings












        --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "douglas.ryan68"
        <douglas.ryan68@...> wrote:
        >
        > SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
        >
        > To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern
        > Ireland:
        >
        > We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be
        > exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a
        > distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're
        > actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire!
        > Right-o chum!
        >
        > However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for
        intervention.
        > On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce
        your
        > new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that
        you
        > have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have
        > decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic
        > republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact
        considered
        > a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.
        >
        > To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have
        > compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
        >
        > 1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you
        aren't
        > always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your
        > "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the
        > name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common
        > usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming
        > convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to
        > switch back to the <I>original</I> spelling and pronunciation of
        the
        > word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also
        > like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum
        was
        > developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).
        >
        > However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary.
        > It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the
        > words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American
        > civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.
        >
        > 2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then
        > we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
        >
        > 3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 -
        > 97.85 = 2.15)
        >
        > 4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own
        > movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked
        > "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The
        > Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy
        Elliot".
        > But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural
        powerhouse.
        > However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good
        > work on that front.
        >
        > 5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its
        title
        > whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national
        > anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that
        > Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could
        > adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.
        >
        > 6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in:
        > United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer
        > Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive
        > showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the
        > tournament without having your fans start an international incident.
        >
        > 7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n'
        > Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the
        best
        > food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to
        the
        > culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps
        > when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan
        they'll
        > teach you how to cook.
        >
        > 8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious
        > error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second
        > problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship
        it
        > to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like
        > Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.
        >
        > 9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize
        for "Teletubbies".
        > <
        > Thank you for your time. Yu can now return to watching bad
        Australian
        > soap operas.
        >
        > P.S. Regarding WW2: You're Welcome.---
        >
        > In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "wings081" <wings081@> wrote:
        > >
        > > "A Message from John Cleese - British comedian:"
        > >
        > >
        > > To the citizens of the United States of America :
        > >
        > > In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
        > > candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern
        yourselves,
        > we
        > > hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
        > effective
        > > immediately.
        > >
        > > Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
        > > duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
        > > Kansas, which she does not fancy).
        > >
        > > Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor
        for
        > > America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
        > > Senate will be disbanded.
        > >
        > > A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
        > any
        > > of you noticed.
        > >
        > >
        > > To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
        > following
        > > rules are introduced with immediate effect:
        > >
        > > You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
        > >
        > > 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You
        > > will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
        > >
        > > 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such
        > > as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn
        to
        > > spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the
        suffix
        > '-
        > > ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.
        > >
        > > Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
        > > acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary' ).
        > >
        > > 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
        > noises
        > > such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
        > form
        > > of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will
        let
        > > Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will
        be
        > > adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
        > > elimination of -ize.
        > >
        > > 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
        > >
        > > 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
        > > lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
        and
        > > therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
        > Guns
        > > should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
        > sort
        > > things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
        > > you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
        > >
        > > 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
        > anything
        > > more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required
        > if
        > > you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
        > >
        > > 7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
        > will
        > > start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
        time,
        > > you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
        of
        > > conversion tables.
        > > Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
        > British
        > > sense of humour.
        > >
        > > 8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
        > been
        > > calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
        > >
        > > 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
        French
        > > fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
        > > potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick
        cut,
        > > fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
        > >
        > > 10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
        > > actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
        > be
        > > referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
        > > provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is
        also
        > > acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting
        Nation
        > > on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part
        of
        > > British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands
        > will
        > > be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be
        sold
        > > without risk of further confusion.
        > >
        > > 11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
        actors
        > as
        > > good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
        > to
        > > play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
        > > dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
        > > having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
        > >
        > > 12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one
        > kind
        > > of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
        > > will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
        > similarities
        > > to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
        > every
        > > twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
        > > nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will
        > thrash
        > > you, like they regularly thrash us.
        > >
        > > 13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
        > to
        > > host an event called the World Series for a game which is not
        > played
        > > outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there
        is
        > a
        > > world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
        > > learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first
        to
        > > take the sting out of their deliveries.
        > >
        > > 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
        > >
        > > 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
        > Majesty's
        > > Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of
        > all
        > > monies due (backdated to 1776).
        > >
        > > 16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
        > > saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
        > > cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
        > >
        > > God Save the Queen
        > >
        > > Note from Wings:
        > > I take exception to the John Cleese remark about HM not fancying
        > > Kansas, for I once spent a very pleasant evening with the ladies
        of
        > > the Kappa Kappa Gamma Sorority on the campus of Kansas University.
        > >
        >
        > Actually, John Cleese didn't invent this, acctording to Snopes.
        > http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp Snopes has
        > other versions of the letter, as well the rebuttal that I posted
        (and
        > other rebuttals)
        >
      • Manfred
        Goodonya Doug - loved it ... :o)
        Message 3 of 4 , Jul 4, 2008
        • 0 Attachment
          Goodonya Doug - loved it ... :o)


          --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "douglas.ryan68"
          <douglas.ryan68@...> wrote:
          >
          > SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
          >
          > To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern
          > Ireland:
          >
          > We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be
          > exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a
          > distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're
          > actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire!
          > Right-o chum!



          >
          > Actually, John Cleese didn't invent this, acctording to Snopes.
          > http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp Snopes has
          > other versions of the letter, as well the rebuttal that I posted (and
          > other rebuttals)
          >
        Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.