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Re: Untitled Halloween Poem, by Dean

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  • Dean
    Thanks for taking the time to review. I probably should have proofread it before posting. I ll admit, I have a problem with rythum of a poem. I haven t
    Message 1 of 4 , Oct 31, 2007
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      Thanks for taking the time to review. I probably should have
      proofread it before posting. I'll admit, I have a problem with
      rythum of a poem. I haven't written one in a long time. I'll have
      to look at it, see if I can make it better.
      Thanks again.


      --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, albiaicehouse <no_reply@...>
      wrote:
      >
      > Dean,
      >
      > You have the imagination to pull this off. The conversion of
      screams
      > to laughter has a dream like feel.
      >
      > I suggest you check for tense. Some of your verbs are past tense
      and
      > some are present tense. This confuses the reader. Past tense is
      > easier and more frequent in story telling. However, present tense
      > might work better in this case as the reader will feel really
      present
      > in the midst of the shock.
      >
      > Next look at the tension and release verse by verse. You can even
      > chart them on a scale of one to ten for each verse. I think you'll
      > see you build some but then you largely fritter it away. I expect
      you
      > will want the biggest release or shock to occur at:
      >
      > "Horns from my skin,
      > And an enourmous toothy smile,
      > The only feature of my head,"
      >
      > You may want to end it there, but if you don't, you should resolve
      > quickly and end on a mental realization so strong it matches the
      > physical one in these lines.
      >
      > If you drag it on much after this, its like the dark things in a
      > horror movie, setting it up for the next big build up. If you
      don't
      > have one, well then the reader feels cheated.
      >
      > I hope this helps.
      >
      > Title suggestion: Consequences
      >
      > albi
      >
      >
      > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Dean" <devonstat_ekard@>
      wrote:
      > >
      > > This is a not very good attempt at a Halloween poem. But I was
      > > trying to be creapy more than anything. No title yet, if you
      have a
      > > sugestion feel free.
      > >
      > >
      > > Twisting and writhing,
      > > I crawled with great fury,
      > > Each inch a desperate attempt,
      > > To find my place,
      > > Rabid and seething,
      > > I know I must hurry,
      > > Erupting in the place they wept,
      > > Knowing the others would give chase.
      > >
      > >
      > > I stared at the name,
      > > Once held by me,
      > > On the stone above the dirt,
      > > Along with the date I left,
      > > It was the same,
      > > As it would always be,
      > > In a quick spuirt,
      > > I covered the evidence of my shift.
      > >
      > >
      > > I must make haste,
      > > For soon they will come,
      > > To take me back to my fate,
      > > Laid by actions of my life,
      > > Without a minute to waste,
      > > I ran to the place I once called home,
      > > To one last desire sate,
      > > When I find my wife.
      > >
      > >
      > > Bursting into the house,
      > > Swearing I hear footsteps behind,
      > > Slamming the door tight,
      > > I let out a slow breath,
      > > Now the skittering of a mouse,
      > > Is the only footsteps of any kind,
      > > Rushing through town in the night,
      > > Keeping from sight without having to try.
      > >
      > >
      > > But the house was empty,
      > > Hadn't seen life in years,
      > > Except for me,
      > > Covered in rot,
      > > Then they came for me,
      > > Exciting all my fears,
      > > I will not give in to destiny,
      > > I will not.
      > >
      > >
      > > I rush through the building,
      > > Trying to hide,
      > > Knowing any second,
      > > They will be swarming,
      > > Using a closet as covering,
      > > I hope silence is on my side,
      > > That they will not be beconed,
      > > Praying I have warning.
      > >
      > >
      > > My prayers seem heard,
      > > For the sound stops,
      > > Leaving me in the small room,
      > > Remaining as quiet as a mouse,
      > > Without a word,
      > > Being sure nothing drops,
      > > That would invite the doom,
      > > Waiting for me in the house.
      > >
      > >
      > > Reaching around,
      > > Searching for the light switch,
      > > To illuminate my prison,
      > > The bulb burns bright,
      > > And I let out a sound,
      > > A scream at an incredible pitch,
      > > Looking at flesh of crimson,
      > > Around my bones so tight.
      > >
      > >
      > > Horns from my skin,
      > > And an enourmous toothy smile,
      > > The only feature of my head,
      > > Not that my body held anything different,
      > > As ugly as sin,
      > > Laughing all the while,
      > > How long I'd been dead,
      > > To have changed in ways so signifigant.
      > >
      > >
      > > I realized then,
      > > That the screams were laughter,
      > > Erupting from my grinning face,
      > > Calling my captors to me,
      > > The door began to open,
      > > Not that it would matter,
      > > No where to race,
      > > Nowhere to flee.
      > >
      > > I am going where I belong,
      > > Returning to hell,
      > > Never to see my wife,
      > > Never to say I'm sorry,
      > > For never dancing to our song,
      > > For when I was less than faithfull,
      > > For wasting my life,
      > > On thinks that shouldn't have made me worry.
      > >
      > >
      > > The demons that came,
      > > Surrounding my laughing form,
      > > I cannot feel,
      > > I know it's over,
      > > My punishment will be the same,
      > > As it has become the norm,
      > > This same situation just as real,
      > > Forgotten to reinstall the fear.
      > >
      > > With no eyes,
      > > Without turning around,
      > > I still see,
      > > Demons of various shaping,
      > > And various size,
      > > They start to surround,
      > > Then they are upon me,
      > > Dragging me to hell while I'm laughing.
      > >
      >
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