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Re: [ticket2write] Darkness feedback welcome

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  • judy
    I am a total novice but I can give you some feedback based on some recent reading of books on writing. Probably a lot depends on the characters and their way
    Message 1 of 10 , Oct 6, 2007
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      I am a total novice but I can give you some feedback based on some
      recent reading of books on writing. Probably a lot depends on the
      characters and their way of speaking.
      ---------------------

      On this very dark moonless night, ( you might consider saying--it is a
      dark night, no moonlight... I am going out into the darkness)I have to
      go out into the darkness
      I really hate this, as the darkness really scares me (I don't like it
      and I am scared)
      Supernatural, the occult, murders, with these things, I do not wish
      to share a kiss (a kiss sounds too nice, too pleasant to associate with
      fear)
      I walk in the darkness, very very fast, because from the darkness, I
      wish to flee. (would your character use this phrasing?)

      I feel as the darkness is smothering me, it is totally engulfing me (
      The darkness is smothering me)
      Sometimes in the darkness, I feel as if I can't breath
      I wish it were daylight, I want to open the door, if only I had the
      key
      >From the engulfing darkness, I really want to leave.

      Even as a child the darkness really scared me
      As an adult, you would think, this phobia of the darkness would go (I
      thought that once I was grown, the fear would go away but if anything it
      is worse)
      away
      Walking in the darkness, my emotions are paying a tremendous fee
      (describe the emotions label them)
      I hope the creatures of the night, with me I hope they don't want to
      play.

      The darkness to me, I would describe as a blanket of black( no 'I would
      describe', just describe it)
      I hate this thing that is all around me
      Strange things can happen in the darkness, this I know for a fact
      Within this engulfing blanket, there is nothing I can see.

      Behind me there sounds like someone is following me (Behind me I hear
      the sounds of....)
      I walk even faster, but it sounds as if the footsteps are doing the
      (leave out 'it sounds')
      very same thing
      I have no where to run, no where to run, but because of the darkness,
      there is nothing I can see.
      I know you are there, as fear fills my soul, I can' help but wonder,
      what evil fate will bring.
    • mary kellis
      Thank you, Jufy! ... ____________________________________________________________________________________ Be a better Globetrotter. Get better travel answers
      Message 2 of 10 , Oct 7, 2007
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        Thank you, Jufy!
        --- judy <judyw1941@...> wrote:

        > I am a total novice but I can give you some feedback
        > based on some
        > recent reading of books on writing. Probably a lot
        > depends on the
        > characters and their way of speaking.
        > ---------------------
        >
        > On this very dark moonless night, ( you might
        > consider saying--it is a
        > dark night, no moonlight... I am going out into the
        > darkness)I have to
        > go out into the darkness
        > I really hate this, as the darkness really scares me
        > (I don't like it
        > and I am scared)
        > Supernatural, the occult, murders, with these
        > things, I do not wish
        > to share a kiss (a kiss sounds too nice, too
        > pleasant to associate with
        > fear)
        > I walk in the darkness, very very fast, because from
        > the darkness, I
        > wish to flee. (would your character use this
        > phrasing?)
        >
        > I feel as the darkness is smothering me, it is
        > totally engulfing me (
        > The darkness is smothering me)
        > Sometimes in the darkness, I feel as if I can't
        > breath
        > I wish it were daylight, I want to open the door, if
        > only I had the
        > key
        > >From the engulfing darkness, I really want to
        > leave.
        >
        > Even as a child the darkness really scared me
        > As an adult, you would think, this phobia of the
        > darkness would go (I
        > thought that once I was grown, the fear would go
        > away but if anything it
        > is worse)
        > away
        > Walking in the darkness, my emotions are paying a
        > tremendous fee
        > (describe the emotions label them)
        > I hope the creatures of the night, with me I hope
        > they don't want to
        > play.
        >
        > The darkness to me, I would describe as a blanket of
        > black( no 'I would
        > describe', just describe it)
        > I hate this thing that is all around me
        > Strange things can happen in the darkness, this I
        > know for a fact
        > Within this engulfing blanket, there is nothing I
        > can see.
        >
        > Behind me there sounds like someone is following me
        > (Behind me I hear
        > the sounds of....)
        > I walk even faster, but it sounds as if the
        > footsteps are doing the
        > (leave out 'it sounds')
        > very same thing
        > I have no where to run, no where to run, but because
        > of the darkness,
        > there is nothing I can see.
        > I know you are there, as fear fills my soul, I can'
        > help but wonder,
        > what evil fate will bring.
        >
        >




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      • judy
        What I see is that you had more courage than myself when you posted some of your writing and I admire this in you. It also shows that you are motivated and
        Message 3 of 10 , Oct 7, 2007
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          What I see is that you had more courage than myself when you posted some
          of your writing and I admire this in you. It also shows that you are
          motivated and you are actually writing. As of late, I have become
          discouraged at ever learning the art and craft of writing and I have
          written nothing in the past couple of weeks.

          I hope you will continue to post your writing as it encourages me.

          Judy
        • mary kellis
          Judy, Thank you for your kind words! Please don t get discouraged over your writing, sounds to me like you have a had case of writer s block, which I know from
          Message 4 of 10 , Oct 7, 2007
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            Judy,
            Thank you for your kind words! Please don't get
            discouraged over your writing, sounds to me like you
            have a had case of writer's block, which I know from
            experience will pass. I f you wake up in the mprning
            and all you can think about is writing, then you were
            destined to be a writer. If this is the case except
            your gift of divine intervention, this is your
            destiny. Hope I helped in some way!
            Hugs,
            Lanaia
            --- judy <judyw1941@...> wrote:

            > What I see is that you had more courage than myself
            > when you posted some
            > of your writing and I admire this in you. It also
            > shows that you are
            > motivated and you are actually writing. As of late,
            > I have become
            > discouraged at ever learning the art and craft of
            > writing and I have
            > written nothing in the past couple of weeks.
            >
            > I hope you will continue to post your writing as it
            > encourages me.
            >
            > Judy
            >
            >



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          • queen_of_cryptic_cyphers
            Dear Mary, If I were to suggest one thing for you to focus on currently, it is to be more precise in your writing (tighten up as they say). Try eliminating the
            Message 5 of 10 , Oct 7, 2007
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              Dear Mary,

              If I were to suggest one thing for you to focus on currently, it is
              to be more precise in your writing (tighten up as they say). Try
              eliminating the unnecessary words from each line and make them as
              concise as possible. Poetry is not prose and can share a lot of
              emotions or connotations through similes or metaphors. Try some out.
              Also make each line shorter. They suggest a line should be readable
              out loud with one breath. Also use the line to control how fast the
              reader reads.

              I offer a few suggies below, but perhaps you may want to apply these
              concepts throughout the entire poem.

              Good luck,
              Gwen


              [Mary, you repeat yourself so much that it weakens your poem. Try
              out new words or edit out the duplicates. For instance 'dark moonless
              night' is redundant becaue a moonless night is obviously without
              light. So try another adjective like 'dreary' or 'foggy' or 'creepy'.
              Be creative. It s a good habit to cultivate.]

              ...<<>>--
              On this very dark moonless night, I have to go out into the darkness
              I really hate this, as the darkness really scares me
              Supernatural, the occult, murders, with these things, I do not wish
              to share a kiss
              I walk in the darkness, very very fast, because from the darkness, I
              wish to flee.

              ...On this dreary, moonless night,
              ...I slip out into the darkness from which I'd rather flee.
              ...There the dread of the supernatural and occult
              ...and murderious threats all frighten me.
            • mary kellis
              GWEN, First I thank you for your critique! My poetry publisher tells me to contnue with the way I write poetry. They call them story poems and they tell me
              Message 6 of 10 , Oct 7, 2007
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                GWEN,
                First I thank you for your critique! My poetry
                publisher tells me to contnue with the way I write
                poetry. They call them story poems and they tell me
                that's what makes my work unique. Hey, they are going
                to soon pay for my bills, so I had better listen to
                them! Lol!
                Hugs,
                Lanaia
                --- queen_of_cryptic_cyphers <poetry4u@...>
                wrote:

                > Dear Mary,
                >
                > If I were to suggest one thing for you to focus on
                > currently, it is
                > to be more precise in your writing (tighten up as
                > they say). Try
                > eliminating the unnecessary words from each line and
                > make them as
                > concise as possible. Poetry is not prose and can
                > share a lot of
                > emotions or connotations through similes or
                > metaphors. Try some out.
                > Also make each line shorter. They suggest a line
                > should be readable
                > out loud with one breath. Also use the line to
                > control how fast the
                > reader reads.
                >
                > I offer a few suggies below, but perhaps you may
                > want to apply these
                > concepts throughout the entire poem.
                >
                > Good luck,
                > Gwen
                >
                >
                > [Mary, you repeat yourself so much that it weakens
                > your poem. Try
                > out new words or edit out the duplicates. For
                > instance 'dark moonless
                > night' is redundant becaue a moonless night is
                > obviously without
                > light. So try another adjective like 'dreary' or
                > 'foggy' or 'creepy'.
                > Be creative. It s a good habit to cultivate.]
                >
                > ...<<>>--
                > On this very dark moonless night, I have to go out
                > into the darkness
                > I really hate this, as the darkness really scares me
                > Supernatural, the occult, murders, with these
                > things, I do not wish
                > to share a kiss
                > I walk in the darkness, very very fast, because from
                > the darkness, I
                > wish to flee.
                >
                > ...On this dreary, moonless night,
                > ...I slip out into the darkness from which I'd
                > rather flee.
                > ...There the dread of the supernatural and occult
                > ...and murderious threats all frighten me.
                >
                >
                >
                >




                ____________________________________________________________________________________
                Be a better Globetrotter. Get better travel answers from someone who knows. Yahoo! Answers - Check it out.
                http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/?link=list&sid=396545469
              • judy
                I hate to show my absolute ignorance but I did not know this was a poem. I thought it was the opening paragraphs for a novel. I take back all of my previous
                Message 7 of 10 , Oct 7, 2007
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                  I hate to show my absolute ignorance but I did not know this was a
                  poem. I thought it was the opening paragraphs for a novel. I take back
                  all of my previous comments as I don't know a darn thing about poetry.
                  Duhhh! Of course in a poem one might speak of fleeing or use the method
                  of telling rather than showing. I do so apologize for all of my
                  inappropriate comments. I am new as is readily apparent.

                  Judy
                  ------------------
                  f I were to suggest one thing for you to focus on currently, it is
                  to be more precise in your writing (tighten up as they say). Try
                  eliminating the unnecessary words from each line and make them as
                  concise as possible. Poetry is not prose and can share a lot of
                  emotions or connotations through similes or metaphors. Try some out.
                  Also make each line shorter. They suggest a line should be readable
                  out loud with one breath. Also use the line to control how fast the
                  reader reads.
                • mary kellis
                  I really do appreciate your critique regardless!! Hugs, Lanaia ... ____________________________________________________________________________________ Catch
                  Message 8 of 10 , Oct 8, 2007
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                    I really do appreciate your critique regardless!!
                    Hugs,
                    Lanaia
                    --- judy <judyw1941@...> wrote:

                    > I hate to show my absolute ignorance but I did not
                    > know this was a
                    > poem. I thought it was the opening paragraphs for a
                    > novel. I take back
                    > all of my previous comments as I don't know a darn
                    > thing about poetry.
                    > Duhhh! Of course in a poem one might speak of
                    > fleeing or use the method
                    > of telling rather than showing. I do so apologize
                    > for all of my
                    > inappropriate comments. I am new as is readily
                    > apparent.
                    >
                    > Judy
                    > ------------------
                    > f I were to suggest one thing for you to focus on
                    > currently, it is
                    > to be more precise in your writing (tighten up as
                    > they say). Try
                    > eliminating the unnecessary words from each line and
                    > make them as
                    > concise as possible. Poetry is not prose and can
                    > share a lot of
                    > emotions or connotations through similes or
                    > metaphors. Try some out.
                    > Also make each line shorter. They suggest a line
                    > should be readable
                    > out loud with one breath. Also use the line to
                    > control how fast the
                    > reader reads.
                    >
                    >



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                  • butternut_197796
                    I agree with this comment, you have courage to post what you did, there is nothing wrong with exploring a little darkness now and than, it s a part of life to.
                    Message 9 of 10 , Oct 8, 2007
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                      I agree with this comment, you have courage to post what you did, there
                      is nothing wrong with exploring a little darkness now and than, it's a
                      part of life to. I would like to see more added to it, and maybe some
                      slight word changes, as someone said, repetativeness can slow a good
                      peice down. Try using words in a way you have never heard used before
                      in a poem, or perhaps take old verses and use the same rhythm the poet
                      uses in a familiar poem many are likely to know, that way when they
                      read a line or two it has the same rhyme scheme and rhythm with a new
                      poetic touch. I am new here to by the way, my name is Veronica, perhaps
                      i will post something of mine soon, we shall see. thank you and bless
                      you.

                      --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, judy <judyw1941@...> wrote:
                      >
                      > What I see is that you had more courage than myself when you posted
                      some
                      > of your writing and I admire this in you. It also shows that you are
                      > motivated and you are actually writing. As of late, I have become
                      > discouraged at ever learning the art and craft of writing and I have
                      > written nothing in the past couple of weeks.
                      >
                      > I hope you will continue to post your writing as it encourages me.
                      >
                      > Judy
                      >
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