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Re: Repost of "Compartments" (Albi)

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  • albiaicehouse
    Wings, Carol, and Gwen, Thanks for your input. I have modified the poem using your kind yeas and nays . I can t believe I missed the opportunity to tell
    Message 1 of 7 , Jun 6, 2007
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      Wings, Carol, and Gwen,

      Thanks for your input.

      I have modified the poem using your kind 'yeas' and 'nays'.

      I can't believe I missed the opportunity to tell rather than show with
      the gossip image, so I revised that verse to:

      "After a year of huddled whispers out of earshot,
      slammed doors preceding my approach,
      and giggles unbidden by me,"

      I guess the big question is, does a poem that starts with a, at least,
      semi-intellectual thought and then finishes with mostly emotion work?

      The opening line/verse still seems a little odd, a little un-poetic.

      But I guess that's how real minds work, eh?

      Anyway, thanks to all of you. I can think of nothing better than to
      have my musings on community assisted by this community.

      Thanks!

      albi

      --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Carol" <carol_emt87@...> wrote:
      >
      > Dear Albi,
      > I did read this one the first time through, but I've been totally
      > swamped at work. Ya think I'd catch a break after school got out;
      > however, my bass fell and hurt her shoulder. Our butcher left and
      > so......you know the drill. Anyway, here's my take on your poem. I
      > love how your mind works.
      > Carol
      >
      > Compartments
      >
      > Work, family, church, sports, charitable organizations.
      > Am I alone in this modern world
      > to have compartments filled with people
      > who know nothing of the people in other compartments? (no man or woman
      > is an island…..we are not designed to be alone, but sometimes I think
      > our technology and the walls we erect often get in the way of intimacy)
      > On a good day,
      > these compartments are likes spokes on a wheel (are like…or maybe
      > "these compartments spin me like the spokes on a wheel" me and my
      > strong verb thingy…..lol)
      > that roll my soul, my hub,
      > towards progress across the world. (ah…the old tradition versus
      > modernity rears its ugly head)
      > Other times,
      > I wonder who knows the real me? (this doesn't need a question mark)
      > One suggestion here: you might look to another term for
      > "compartment"…try something like cubicle or cubby, carrel, bay, or
      > box…just a thought
      >
      > Part of me yearns to live in a small community
      > like where I grew up,
      > on the edge of an American town.
      > Go toward town and I could find gangs in conflict.
      > The other way, I could lose myself in cornfields,
      > or fly a kite above the stubble.
      > Coming to the home street at dusk (how about just "coming home")
      > I'd see the western sunset
      > jumping from panes
      > out of the houses
      > bathed in a diffuse glow.
      >
      > Maybe I should aspire to a village
      > in a desolate part of Ireland,
      > so I'd feel integrated
      > across a single community,
      > but then I think
      > I'd hate to have my track record in one compartment
      > known to everyone in all the other
      > compartments. (show a little more how closed these compartments might
      > be…without windows, locked, barred, shuttered tight against
      outsiders…..)
      >
      > After a year of gossip, (how about after a year of slamming doors…or
      > something like that)
      > would I want to move to Dublin? (you might mention something at the
      > end about returning home which could bring the poem to full
      > circle…..nice job)
      >
      > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, albiaicehouse <no_reply@> wrote:
      > >
      > > Shamelessly looking for critiques on this one!
      > >
      > >
      > > Compartments
      > >
      > > Work, family, church, sports, charitable organizations.
      > > Am I alone in this modern world
      > > to have compartments filled with people
      > > who know nothing of the people in other compartments?
      > > On a good day,
      > > these compartments are likes spokes on a wheel
      > > that roll my soul, my hub,
      > > towards progress across the world.
      > > Other times,
      > > I wonder who knows the real me?
      > >
      > > Part of me yearns to live in a small community
      > > like where I grew up,
      > > on the edge of an American town.
      > > Go toward town and I could find gangs in conflict.
      > > The other way, I could lose myself in cornfields,
      > > or fly a kite above the stubble.
      > > Coming to the home street at dusk
      > > I'd see the western sunset
      > > jumping from panes
      > > out of the houses
      > > bathed in a diffuse glow.
      > >
      > > Maybe I should aspire to a village
      > > in a desolate part of Ireland,
      > > so I'd feel integrated
      > > across a single community,
      > > but then I think
      > > I'd hate to have my track record in one compartment
      > > known to everyone in all the other
      > > compartments.
      > >
      > > After a year of gossip,
      > > would I want to move to Dublin?
      > >
      > >
      > > albi
      > > Copyright 2007
      > >
      > >
      > >
      > > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, albiaicehouse <no_reply@>
      > > wrote:
      > > >
      > > > Compartments
      > > >
      > > > Work, family, church, sports, charitable organizations.
      > > > Am I alone in this modern world
      > > > to have compartments filled with people
      > > > who know nothing of the people in other compartments?
      > > > On a good day,
      > > > these compartments are likes spokes on a wheel
      > > > that roll my soul, my hub,
      > > > towards progress across the world.
      > > > Other times,
      > > > I wonder who knows the real me?
      > > >
      > > > Part of me yearns to live in a small community
      > > > like where I grew up,
      > > > on the edge of an American town.
      > > > Go toward town and I could find gangs in conflict.
      > > > The other way I could lose myself in cornfields,
      > > > or fly a kite above the stubble.
      > > > Coming to the home street at dusk
      > > > I'd see the western sunset
      > > > jumping from panes
      > > > out of the houses
      > > > bathed in a diffuse glow.
      > > >
      > > > Maybe I should aspire to a village
      > > > in a desolate part of Ireland,
      > > > so I'd feel integrated
      > > > across a single community,
      > > > but then I think
      > > > I'd hate to have my track record in one compartment
      > > > known to everyone in all the other
      > > > compartments.
      > > >
      > > > After a year of gossip,
      > > > would I want to move to Dublin?
      > > >
      > > >
      > > > albi
      > > > Copyright 2007
      > > >
      > >
      >
    • rede2rollbaby
      -G day Albi, guess the easiest thing to do is to get the filing cabinet in order, and having filed all the dross in the shredder, lock the filing cabinet,
      Message 2 of 7 , Jun 7, 2007
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        -G'day Albi,
        guess the easiest thing to do is to get the filing cabinet
        in order, and having filed all the dross in the shredder, lock the
        filing cabinet, pocket the key and die from the effects of pristene
        boredom...
        Realise, you have most likely caused a few people to
        check flight availability to the Emerald Isle...but be aware the
        Orange papers must never be filed in the Green compartment...or even
        too close together.
        Reckon one of the most disturbing contrasts in your poem
        is the corn fields and the gangs...We long ago had ruffian gangs
        called 'pushes', which evolved to the common criminal gang era, in
        our early society...but now the street and racial gang culture has
        emerged here...stacked in very open shelves...
        A thought provoking write,
        Bernie.
        -- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, albiaicehouse <no_reply@...>
        wrote:
        >
        > Compartments
        >
        >>
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