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Re: Station (Crits invited)/Albi ...

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  • albiaicehouse
    Cousin Mannie, Is that less familiar than Uncle? Anyway, there is this sport called gymnastics. In several of the events, after some improbable feats of
    Message 1 of 8 , Nov 30, 2006
      Cousin Mannie,

      Is that less familiar than Uncle?

      Anyway, there is this sport called gymnastics. In several of the
      events, after some improbable feats of kinetic control and muscular
      flexure, there comes what must always come - the ending. No matter
      how great the rest of the routine, the spectators and, alas, too many
      judges, will downgrade the rating of the entire routine if the ending
      is messed up. This ending, if off a piece of apparatus, must include
      a landing.

      On floor exercises, the athlete usually has a high or multiple tumble
      pass that involves an amazing ending in a final landing.

      In either case, the gymnast exhibits their thorough and utter control
      by "sticking the landing". The landing must be balanced and the
      entire body must be still long enough to demonstrate their prowess.
      The combination of the difficult moves followed by a still and
      balanced body after all that gravity and disconection defying motion
      is really impressive.

      So to "stick the landing" is to finish something perfectly, and
      thereby leave a good impression about the entire something.

      I thought the ending of your poem "stuck the landing" by giving me a
      surprise through describing the whole sky full of stars with the
      perfect minimum of words.

      albi

      --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Manfred" <r_u_sirius2@...> wrote:
      >
      > Thanks Albi, praise indeed. ... :o) What does 'stuck the landing'
      > mean? I've not encountered that term before (seriously).
      >
      > Cheers Mate,
      >
      > Manfred.
      >
      >
      >
      >
      > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, albiaicehouse <no_reply@> wrote:
      > >
      > > Manfred,
      > >
      > > Excellent.
      > >
      > > Sharp. Consistent imagery throughout. And you stuck the landing.
      > >
      > > 10.0
      > >
      > > albi
      > >
      > >
      > > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Manfred" <r_u_sirius2@> wrote:
      > > >
      > > > ... prompted by Albi's crit of "Morning Poem" By Mary Oliver
      > > > (please, 'rip it to bits')
      > > >
      > > > Station
      > > > (c) Manfred Vijars - November 2006
      > > >
      > > > Sharp slivers
      > > > of his golden locks
      > > > softly
      > > > peek over the horizon
      > > >
      > > > declaring his arrival
      > > >
      > > > raising
      > > > to the full height
      > > > of his magnificance
      > > >
      > > > before
      > > > magnanimously
      > > > withdrawing
      > > >
      > > > bows low
      > > > in his humility -
      > > > to reveal a universe.
      > > > ---
      > > >
      > >
      >
    • malissa_dunn
      Hi, I doubt if you know me. I stay so busy I rarely post. I ve had 106 hours of college English and I m the thickness of poetry thesis away from a Master s in
      Message 2 of 8 , Dec 1, 2006
        Hi,

        I doubt if you know me. I stay so busy I rarely post. I've had 106
        hours of college English and I'm the thickness of poetry thesis away
        from a Master's in Creative Writing.

        With that said, I just want to tell you I love the simplicity of ths
        poem. The only thing is that the words magnificance and magnanimity
        are a little too formal for the rest of the poem. I know most of the
        simple words about the sun have been done to death, but I would try
        to find something different, maybe something like grace or elegance,
        just not so grand.

        I'll try to post something soon so you can zing me.

        Malissa D.


        --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Manfred" <r_u_sirius2@...>
        wrote:
        >
        > ... prompted by Albi's crit of "Morning Poem" By Mary Oliver
        > (please, 'rip it to bits')
        >
        > Station
        > (c) Manfred Vijars - November 2006
        >
        > Sharp slivers
        > of his golden locks
        > softly
        > peek over the horizon
        >
        > declaring his arrival
        >
        > raising
        > to the full height
        > of his magnificance
        >
        > before
        > magnanimously
        > withdrawing
        >
        > bows low
        > in his humility -
        > to reveal a universe.
        > ---
        >
      • queen_of_cryptic_cyphers
        Uncle Manny, I am so sorry I overlooked this gem. Been busy at the books and those social sciences sometimes cloud the mind with the darker side of the
        Message 3 of 8 , Dec 1, 2006
          Uncle Manny,

          I am so sorry I overlooked this gem. Been busy at the books and those
          social sciences sometimes cloud the mind with the darker side of the
          universe. Just want to say I enjoyed this poem and think it is almost
          perfect. Only one complaint from me (forgive me, forgive me). It is
          the phrase 'sharp slivers'. Somehow this seems to contradict the
          subtle fingers of light drifing into the dark sky from 'his golden
          locks'. Hope that wasn't too painful for you. I don't like to hurt my
          Uncle Manny. As for the phrase, maybe everyone else thinks otherwise.

          Hugs, hugs, and double hugs,
          Gwen


          --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Manfred" <r_u_sirius2@...>
          wrote:
          >
          > ... prompted by Albi's crit of "Morning Poem" By Mary Oliver
          > (please, 'rip it to bits')
          >
          > Station
          > (c) Manfred Vijars - November 2006
          >
          > Sharp slivers
          > of his golden locks
          > softly
          > peek over the horizon
          >
          > declaring his arrival
          >
          > raising
          > to the full height
          > of his magnificance
          >
          > before
          > magnanimously
          > withdrawing
          >
          > bows low
          > in his humility -
          > to reveal a universe.
          > ---
          >
        • Manfred
          Gwenny Dahrlink ... the genesis of sharp slivers was actually a picture in my mind of a Billy Idol with his cheeky smiley face and sticky-uppy haircut
          Message 4 of 8 , Dec 3, 2006
            Gwenny Dahrlink ... the genesis of 'sharp slivers' was actually a
            picture in my mind of a Billy Idol with his cheeky smiley face and
            sticky-uppy haircut beaming over the horizon .... wierd huh? But I do
            now see the disjoint, thank you.

            Hugs,

            M.



            --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "queen_of_cryptic_cyphers"
            <poetry4u@...> wrote:
            >
            > Uncle Manny,
            >
            > I am so sorry I overlooked this gem. Been busy at the books and those
            > social sciences sometimes cloud the mind with the darker side of the
            > universe. Just want to say I enjoyed this poem and think it is almost
            > perfect. Only one complaint from me (forgive me, forgive me). It is
            > the phrase 'sharp slivers'. Somehow this seems to contradict the
            > subtle fingers of light drifing into the dark sky from 'his golden
            > locks'. Hope that wasn't too painful for you. I don't like to hurt my
            > Uncle Manny. As for the phrase, maybe everyone else thinks otherwise.
            >
            > Hugs, hugs, and double hugs,
            > Gwen
            >
            >
            > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Manfred" <r_u_sirius2@>
            > wrote:
            > >
            > > ... prompted by Albi's crit of "Morning Poem" By Mary Oliver
            > > (please, 'rip it to bits')
            > >
            > > Station
            > > (c) Manfred Vijars - November 2006
            > >
            > > Sharp slivers
            > > of his golden locks
            > > softly
            > > peek over the horizon
            > >
            > > declaring his arrival
            > >
            > > raising
            > > to the full height
            > > of his magnificance
            > >
            > > before
            > > magnanimously
            > > withdrawing
            > >
            > > bows low
            > > in his humility -
            > > to reveal a universe.
            > > ---
            > >
            >
          • Manfred
            Hi Malissa, thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to crit this piece. You are correct, many sun words have been, and will continue to be,
            Message 5 of 8 , Dec 4, 2006
              Hi Malissa, thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to
              crit this piece.

              You are correct, many 'sun' words have been, and will continue to be,
              done to death. The sun is mostly referred to in masculine terms, so I
              thought it appropriate to use grand words like magnificance and
              magnanimity for (his) acendancy to Noon.

              The Universe is bigger than those terms so I hoped that leaving on the
              edge may open the mind to one's own magnificant expansions.

              My Dad, when I was a lad, used to point out the many constellations in
              our Southern sky. He would also regularly quote an old Russian saying
              that sort of goes ... "Behold the night, it hides a world but reveals
              a Universe!"

              Cheers,

              Manfred.

              PS. "Zinging" sounds painful - we're all friends here ... :o)







              --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "malissa_dunn" <malissa_dunn@...>
              wrote:
              >
              > Hi,
              >
              > I doubt if you know me. I stay so busy I rarely post. I've had 106
              > hours of college English and I'm the thickness of poetry thesis away
              > from a Master's in Creative Writing.
              >
              > With that said, I just want to tell you I love the simplicity of ths
              > poem. The only thing is that the words magnificance and magnanimity
              > are a little too formal for the rest of the poem. I know most of the
              > simple words about the sun have been done to death, but I would try
              > to find something different, maybe something like grace or elegance,
              > just not so grand.
              >
              > I'll try to post something soon so you can zing me.
              >
              > Malissa D.
              >
              >
              > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Manfred" <r_u_sirius2@>
              > wrote:
              > >
              > > ... prompted by Albi's crit of "Morning Poem" By Mary Oliver
              > > (please, 'rip it to bits')
              > >
              > > Station
              > > (c) Manfred Vijars - November 2006
              > >
              > > Sharp slivers
              > > of his golden locks
              > > softly
              > > peek over the horizon
              > >
              > > declaring his arrival
              > >
              > > raising
              > > to the full height
              > > of his magnificance
              > >
              > > before
              > > magnanimously
              > > withdrawing
              > >
              > > bows low
              > > in his humility -
              > > to reveal a universe.
              > > ---
              > >
              >
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