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Re: The Pillars of Avalon (Arwen)

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  • Carol
    Dear Arwen, Your poem leaves me wanting more, I m afraid. As we ve noted in the recent discussions, our group is not about positive affirmations. However, as
    Message 1 of 3 , Feb 28, 2006
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      Dear Arwen,
      Your poem leaves me wanting more, I'm afraid. As we've noted in the
      recent discussions, our group is not about positive affirmations.
      However, as Wings so aptly points out, you are among friends and
      writers who have one specific purpose in mind, that is, helping each
      other improve at this art, this craft of writing.
      If you're going to write an epic, and that's the way your poem feels,
      I want more. Don't just tell me the King loves the Queen and expect
      that to grab my attention. Show me how he loves her instead. You start
      out strong--the imagery at the beginning---but leave me empty at the
      end. Listen to your characters--really listen. They'll tell you what
      to say. I have some specific comments below.
      Carol


      Looking North

      Turquoise somersault. (great opening line..very clear imagery
      Full creamy white tops.
      Waves join with each other (now do they join or overlap?)
      Flooding everything underneath. (underneath what?)
      I sit on my throne in the rocks
      Looking North.
      Something good will happen for me,
      For all innocent,
      We will have our haven!
      How much I love this land
      And the land loves me!
      We will build an example
      For the world to follow
      To join in peace and love
      For the sake of the innocent. (sounds like a speech or wish…not sure
      this part works for me….now if you show me instead of telling me)

      ***

      I will know my King (is this a new poem or an extension of the
      previous one)

      There is something about you – (you is very ambiguous….are you talking
      about me here or someone in the scene?)
      Something good and strong,
      Something very rare and great,
      Which separates you from the others.
      You know as I know
      How to stand tall in forbidden chains. (Tall in forbidden
      chains—interesting)
      You know that I exist.
      Seven seas and desert lands
      Hard to cross for anyone,
      But love gave you wings (love of what or whom? I'm getting lost here)
      And the sea and the desert
      Are your helpful friends.
      You have been to places I saw. (you are losing me with all these
      pronouns and I'm not getting where you're trying to lead me…I think
      you're trying to tell me a story here….but I need something more
      concrete…better imagery or more text…take the time to show the
      story…let it develop and grow. I think there is a story here, but if I
      have to look for it, you risk losing me)
      You have battled as hard as I did
      And both of us know secrets
      Which can never be told
      But we can melt together,
      Unite and become the pillars
      Of a better world
      For all men and creatures
      Who need healing the most. (just who need healing or need to be healed
      would suffice)
      Our love will be paradise!

      ***

      The Pillar

      The early spring sun is gentle but powerful today.
      In most precious gowns
      We very slowly walk down the long walk way.
      We leave all pain behind
      Never to look back.
      I feel supported and guided
      As you put your arm through mine.
      You look at me with clear and sharp, bright eyes (too much
      here…..clear, bright, sharp….pare this down to one or at the most, two)
      Which warm up immediately
      As our eyes meet. (you don't need to say this, it is implied when you
      show this in the previous line…can you feel the difference? Gosh, I've
      been guilty of this more times than I care to think about. Sometimes
      when we're not sure the reader will understand our meaning, we send
      along another line to insure our concept. Unfortunately, this can and
      does often have a detrimental affect because the reader or listener
      may feel badgered, and it also doesn't allow space for the reader's
      imagination to come into play. We WANT that as writers and poets.
      With determined steps we stride
      Further down the walk way by the sea. (These two lines could easily be
      combined down to one "With determined steps, we stride down the
      walkway by the sea")
      A natural pride rises, given by God
      For what we have truely done. (what have you done? Did I miss that?)
      Around us are gathered our true friends (our friends gather around us)
      And together we will raise
      A new Kingdom for the weakest.(I'd leave out "for the weakest")
      You are my King and
      I am your Queen.
      Our love is the pillar. (this ending doesn't have enough of a punch
      because the story is yet untold, I think….If this is a love story,
      show me. If there is war, show me. In the last three lines, you have
      no strong verbs, no power, no energy. Forms of the verb "to be" are
      used three times…are, am, is….give me more than that, especially at
      the end of a epic. Your King and gracious Queen deserve more I think.
      Carol

      Arwen
      --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "arwen_in_love"
      <arwen_in_love@...> wrote:
      >
      > Looking North
      >
      > Turquoise somersault.
      > Full creamy white tops.
      > Waves join with eachother
      > Flooding everything underneath.
      > I sit on my throne in the rocks
      > Looking North.
      > Something good will happen for me,
      > For all innocent,
      > We will have our haven!
      > How much I love this land
      > And the land loves me!
      > We will build an example
      > For the world to follow
      > To join in peace and love
      > For the sake of the innocent.
      >
      > ***
      >
      > I will know my King
      >
      > There is something about you -
      > Something good and strong,
      > Something very rare and great,
      > Which separates you from the others.
      > You know as I know
      > How to stand tall in forbidden chains.
      > You know that I exist.
      > Seven seas and desert lands
      > Hard to cross for anyone,
      > But love gave you wings
      > And the sea and the desert
      > Are your helpful friends.
      > You have been to places I saw.
      > You have battled as hard as I did
      > And both of us know secrets
      > Which can never be told
      > But we can melt together,
      > Unite and become the pillars
      > Of a better world
      > For all men and creatures
      > Who need healing the most.
      > Our love will be paradise!
      >
      > ***
      >
      > The Pillar
      >
      > The early spring sun is gentle but powerful today.
      > In most precious gowns
      > We very slowly walk down the long walk way.
      > We leave all pain behind
      > Never to look back.
      > I feel supported and guided
      > As you put your arm through mine.
      > You look at me with clear and sharp, bright eyes
      > Which warm up immediately
      > As our eyes meet.
      > With determined steps we stride
      > Further down the walk way by the sea.
      > A natural pride rises, given by God
      > For what we have truely done.
      > Around us are gathered our true friends
      > And together we will raise
      > A new Kingdom for the weakest.
      > You are my King and
      > I am your Queen.
      > Our love is the pillar.
      >
      > Arwen
      >
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