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RE: [ticket2write] Shimmer

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  • Diva
    Yes I do. And thank you very much for the comparison. :) Diva Matt Lamoreux wrote: Shimmer What have you done? I was accepting of
    Message 1 of 8 , Mar 31, 2005
      Yes I do.  And thank you very much for the comparison.  :)
       
      Diva

      Matt Lamoreux <jlamoreux@...> wrote:


      Shimmer

      What have you done?
      I was accepting of morning fog
      and the flat gray of the river
      that flowed through my day.

      I'd grown tone-deaf
      to fog horns and
      the searing slice of sirens
      went unnoticed too.

      You had to
      disturb my palette
      with that red rose
      on my keyboard.

      And now all I see,
      primarily,
      are pastels
      and rainbows.


      03/30/05  Diva
      aka WordFaery

      ---One of the things I'm experimenting with in writing, is a sort of free
      form style that will stop and talk to the reader sometimes. I am doing a
      report on Angela Carter, and this was pointed out to me...that she would
      stop and talk to us in her prose. See what I mean? That's what "What have
      you done?" does for me. I know you're not talking to me, but right up
      front...you have my attention. Ok, "What have I done?"

      ---After that I am introduced to the idea, that the things that come and go
      in our lives are largely unnoticed. What a perfect way to say that. Then a
      palette is disturbed...by a rose. It places that rose right in the center of
      my inner vision. And the clarity there is impeccable.

      ---Now what happens? This is easy to decipher for me. Anyone who has ever
      seen a pastel drawing, is drawn into those warm, fuzzy colors, and anyone
      who has ever stopped their car to gaze at a shimmering rainbow, knows what's
      going on in your poem right now.

      ---This is so artfully and delicately turned, that I'm not really sure if
      I'm saying any of this right. I hope you understand my meaning.









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    • Susan Donahue
      Dear Matt...Excellent observations on a very nice poem! In theatre, the direct comments to the audience are called asides. The effect, in writing as well
      Message 2 of 8 , Apr 1, 2005
        Dear Matt...Excellent observations on a very nice poem! In theatre,
        the direct comments to the audience are called "asides." The
        effect, in writing as well as in drama, can bring the audience or
        reader abruptly into the thoughts of the writer. This is an
        interesting technique to focus the attention of the reader. I have
        observed it used in the poems of Billy Collins. He can make
        something quite ordinary take on significance.

        In Diva's poem, the image of the red rose on the black and white
        keys of the piano will linger in the reader's mind. (hmmmmm...did
        she mean her computer keyboard? Maybe, but I have the stunning
        red/black and white picture in my mind.)


        Suzianne

        --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Matt Lamoreux"
        <jlamoreux@c...> wrote:
        >
        >
        > Shimmer
        >
        > What have you done?
        > I was accepting of morning fog
        > and the flat gray of the river
        > that flowed through my day.
        >
        > I'd grown tone-deaf
        > to fog horns and
        > the searing slice of sirens
        > went unnoticed too.
        >
        > You had to
        > disturb my palette
        > with that red rose
        > on my keyboard.
        >
        > And now all I see,
        > primarily,
        > are pastels
        > and rainbows.
        >
        >
        > 03/30/05 Diva
        > aka WordFaery
        >
        > ---One of the things I'm experimenting with in writing, is a sort
        of free
        > form style that will stop and talk to the reader sometimes. I am
        doing a
        > report on Angela Carter, and this was pointed out to me...that she
        would
        > stop and talk to us in her prose. See what I mean? That's
        what "What have
        > you done?" does for me. I know you're not talking to me, but right
        up
        > front...you have my attention. Ok, "What have I done?"
        >
        > ---After that I am introduced to the idea, that the things that
        come and go
        > in our lives are largely unnoticed. What a perfect way to say
        that. Then a
        > palette is disturbed...by a rose. It places that rose right in the
        center of
        > my inner vision. And the clarity there is impeccable.
        >
        > ---Now what happens? This is easy to decipher for me. Anyone who
        has ever
        > seen a pastel drawing, is drawn into those warm, fuzzy colors, and
        anyone
        > who has ever stopped their car to gaze at a shimmering rainbow,
        knows what's
        > going on in your poem right now.
        >
        > ---This is so artfully and delicately turned, that I'm not really
        sure if
        > I'm saying any of this right. I hope you understand my meaning.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > Learn more about ticket2wite at http://ticket2write.tripod.com
        > Yahoo! Groups Links
      • Matt Lamoreux
        ... referred to as extreme fiction. This doesn t mean so extreme you can t read it, but we are encouraged to step outside the bounds of traditional narrative
        Message 3 of 8 , Apr 1, 2005
          ---One of the things my current writing class is encouraging is what is
          referred to as "extreme fiction." This doesn't mean so extreme you can't
          read it, but we are encouraged to step outside the bounds of traditional
          narrative styles, and draw the reader into the piece through various devices
          that don't "jar" but simply "introduce." As I've mentioned in another post,
          I am studying the work of Angela Carter (Black Venus, The Bloody Chamber,
          The Tiger's Bride) for a technical report in class. It was this element of
          "asides" that he pointed out to us, and I latched onto.

          ---Some writers in the beginning, think they need to write in an "author's
          voice" with formal styling and precise delivery. But I am told that popular
          writers tell their tale in their own voice, as they would say it and think
          it. When I go into a piece with that in mind, it feels a lot more honest,
          and frees me up to really explore the story, not just tell it. This
          particular poem artfully made a point that through well structured metaphors
          and talking to the reader, really brought the message of the poem home. This
          is rare, and I appreciate the skill it demonstrates.

          ---Now I have a comparative name to make my point in my report, Billy
          Collins. Thanks.

          Dear Matt...Excellent observations on a very nice poem! In theatre,
          the direct comments to the audience are called "asides." The
          effect, in writing as well as in drama, can bring the audience or
          reader abruptly into the thoughts of the writer. This is an
          interesting technique to focus the attention of the reader. I have
          observed it used in the poems of Billy Collins. He can make
          something quite ordinary take on significance.

          In Diva's poem, the image of the red rose on the black and white
          keys of the piano will linger in the reader's mind. (hmmmmm...did
          she mean her computer keyboard? Maybe, but I have the stunning
          red/black and white picture in my mind.)


          Suzianne

          --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Matt Lamoreux"
          <jlamoreux@c...> wrote:
          >
          >
          > Shimmer
          >
          > What have you done?
          > I was accepting of morning fog
          > and the flat gray of the river
          > that flowed through my day.
          >
          > I'd grown tone-deaf
          > to fog horns and
          > the searing slice of sirens
          > went unnoticed too.
          >
          > You had to
          > disturb my palette
          > with that red rose
          > on my keyboard.
          >
          > And now all I see,
          > primarily,
          > are pastels
          > and rainbows.
          >
          >
          > 03/30/05 Diva
          > aka WordFaery
          >
          > ---One of the things I'm experimenting with in writing, is a sort
          of free
          > form style that will stop and talk to the reader sometimes. I am
          doing a
          > report on Angela Carter, and this was pointed out to me...that she
          would
          > stop and talk to us in her prose. See what I mean? That's
          what "What have
          > you done?" does for me. I know you're not talking to me, but right
          up
          > front...you have my attention. Ok, "What have I done?"
          >
          > ---After that I am introduced to the idea, that the things that
          come and go
          > in our lives are largely unnoticed. What a perfect way to say
          that. Then a
          > palette is disturbed...by a rose. It places that rose right in the
          center of
          > my inner vision. And the clarity there is impeccable.
          >
          > ---Now what happens? This is easy to decipher for me. Anyone who
          has ever
          > seen a pastel drawing, is drawn into those warm, fuzzy colors, and
          anyone
          > who has ever stopped their car to gaze at a shimmering rainbow,
          knows what's
          > going on in your poem right now.
          >
          > ---This is so artfully and delicately turned, that I'm not really
          sure if
          > I'm saying any of this right. I hope you understand my meaning.
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          > Learn more about ticket2wite at http://ticket2write.tripod.com
          > Yahoo! Groups Links









          Learn more about ticket2wite at http://ticket2write.tripod.com
          Yahoo! Groups Links
        • nigel_tiptoe
          Diva As Matt says, good poem. Great imagery and the question in the opening line works well. And I agree with Susan too. The keyboard here is ambiguity,
          Message 4 of 8 , Apr 1, 2005
            Diva

            As Matt says, good poem. Great imagery and the question in the
            opening line works well. And I agree with Susan too. The 'keyboard'
            here is ambiguity, following, as it does 'tone-deaf' – suggesting the
            piano keyboard – and preceding your nom de plume – which reminds us
            you are a poet, and a computer based one at that. (I think it is
            worth bearing in mind that readers see everything that is on the
            page, and that signatures and so forth may be considered in their
            reading of your poem.) In its ambiguity, the rose does shimmer
            between meaning

            I particularly like 'searing slice of sirens'. I am a sucker for well
            placed alliteration. So, I wondered if I could change your structure
            and phrasing in some way to emphasize this (to me) central image -
            enhancing the sense that your rose-leaver has 'cut' into your life,
            severing the dull past from the colorful present.

            You will see in my version below that I have isolated the question of
            the first line. In doing so, I hope to increase the sense of its
            heartfelt nature, its urgency, and to introduce the idea
            of 'severance' early in the poem. And you will notice too that I have
            rephrased your lines to reduce their clarity (we are in a fog after
            all). As well, in this rephrasing I have broken your rhythms,
            resuling in a halting, rather than fluid reading (despite the river).
            I do this, hoping that the commandingly alliterative central image –
            the sirens – will slice all the more readily through to the reader's
            deepest awareness. As well, I have placed 'that red rose upon [your]
            keyboard' within parallel commas (I almost put it within parentheses)
            so that it becomes a further, perhaps sotto voiced 'aside' to the
            reader. This, I hope, lends a sense that the rose is an isolated
            interjection into the poem, as it was into your life.

            Please forgive me if you find this offensive. My intention in
            rewriting your excellent poem is only to learn from your skills – and
            to share that learning with others in the group.


            Shimmer 2 (following 'Shimmer' from WordFaery)

            What have you done?

            I accepted morning fog,
            the flat gray river
            flowing sluggish through my day.

            Tone-deaf to fog horns,
            the searing slice of sirens too
            unheard.

            You disturbed my palette,
            that red rose
            on my keyboard,

            And now I see only
            pastels
            and rainbows.
          • albiaicehouse
            Diva, Do you like the title? Of course you like it, because you chose it, but... When you reread it now, can you think of better titles? Shimmer goes with the
            Message 5 of 8 , Apr 2, 2005
              Diva,

              Do you like the title?

              Of course you like it, because you chose it, but...

              When you reread it now, can you think of better titles?

              Shimmer goes with the rainbow, maybe, at the end, but I think they
              glow more than anything. The word "shimmer" doesn't seem to prepare me
              enough for the awakening, the huge shift.

              I'd like one better that presages the change brought about by the
              stark red rose. That's the real center of that poem...the red rose.

              How about "Scarlet Bolt"?

              albi


              --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "the_only_data_diva"
              <the_only_data_diva@y...> wrote:
              >
              >
              > Shimmer
              >
              > What have you done?
              > I was accepting of morning fog
              > and the flat gray of the river
              > that flowed through my day.
              >
              > I'd grown tone-deaf
              > to fog horns and
              > the searing slice of sirens
              > went unnoticed too.
              >
              > You had to
              > disturb my palette
              > with that red rose
              > on my keyboard.
              >
              > And now all I see,
              > primarily,
              > are pastels
              > and rainbows.
              >
              >
              > 03/30/05 Diva
              > aka WordFaery
            • Diva
              Matt, I ve enjoyed your comments and the discussion here. I will be the first to admit ignorance of poetic form. I just pick up the words with a rather large
              Message 6 of 8 , Apr 2, 2005
                Matt,
                I've enjoyed your comments and the discussion here.  I will be the first to admit ignorance of poetic form.  I just pick up the words with a rather large trowel and dump them on the paper. Later if someone says, "Oh hey, nice use of aliteration,"  I go back to the poem and say, "Oh, yeh, so I did." 
                 
                Oh, the lessons I have learned from the members here. And I am most grateful.
                 
                 
                Diva

                Matt Lamoreux <jlamoreux@...> wrote:

                ---One of the things my current writing class is encouraging is what is
                referred to as "extreme fiction." This doesn't mean so extreme you can't
                read it, but we are encouraged to step outside the bounds of traditional
                narrative styles, and draw the reader into the piece through various devices
                that don't "jar" but simply "introduce." As I've mentioned in another post,
                I am studying the work of Angela Carter (Black Venus, The Bloody Chamber,
                The Tiger's Bride) for a technical report in class. It was this element of
                "asides" that he pointed out to us, and I latched onto.

                ---Some writers in the beginning, think they need to write in an "author's
                voice" with formal styling and precise delivery. But I am told that popular
                writers tell their tale in their own voice, as they would say it and think
                it. When I go into a piece with that in mind, it feels a lot more honest,
                and frees me up to really explore the story, not just tell it. This
                particular poem artfully made a point that through well structured metaphors
                and talking to the reader, really brought the message of the poem home. This
                is rare, and I appreciate the skill it demonstrates.

                ---Now I have a comparative name to make my point in my report, Billy
                Collins. Thanks.

                Dear Matt...Excellent observations on a very nice poem!  In theatre,
                the direct comments to the audience are called "asides."  The
                effect, in writing as well as in drama, can bring the audience or
                reader abruptly into the thoughts of the writer. This is an
                interesting technique to focus the attention of the reader.  I have
                observed it used in the poems of Billy Collins.  He can make
                something quite ordinary take on significance.

                In Diva's poem, the image of the red rose on the black and white
                keys of the piano will linger in the reader's mind.  (hmmmmm...did
                she mean her computer keyboard?  Maybe, but I have the stunning
                red/black and white picture in my mind.)


                Suzianne

                --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Matt Lamoreux"
                <jlamoreux@c...> wrote:
                >
                >
                > Shimmer
                >
                > What have you done?
                > I was accepting of morning fog
                > and the flat gray of the river
                > that flowed through my day.
                >
                > I'd grown tone-deaf
                > to fog horns and
                > the searing slice of sirens
                > went unnoticed too.
                >
                > You had to
                > disturb my palette
                > with that red rose
                > on my keyboard.
                >
                > And now all I see,
                > primarily,
                > are pastels
                > and rainbows.
                >
                >
                > 03/30/05  Diva
                > aka WordFaery
                >
                > ---One of the things I'm experimenting with in writing, is a sort
                of free
                > form style that will stop and talk to the reader sometimes. I am
                doing a
                > report on Angela Carter, and this was pointed out to me...that she
                would
                > stop and talk to us in her prose. See what I mean? That's
                what "What have
                > you done?" does for me. I know you're not talking to me, but right
                up
                > front...you have my attention. Ok, "What have I done?"
                >
                > ---After that I am introduced to the idea, that the things that
                come and go
                > in our lives are largely unnoticed. What a perfect way to say
                that. Then a
                > palette is disturbed...by a rose. It places that rose right in the
                center of
                > my inner vision. And the clarity there is impeccable.
                >
                > ---Now what happens? This is easy to decipher for me. Anyone who
                has ever
                > seen a pastel drawing, is drawn into those warm, fuzzy colors, and
                anyone
                > who has ever stopped their car to gaze at a shimmering rainbow,
                knows what's
                > going on in your poem right now.
                >
                > ---This is so artfully and delicately turned, that I'm not really
                sure if
                > I'm saying any of this right. I hope you understand my meaning.
                >
                >
                >
                >
                >
                >
                >
                >
                >
                > Learn more about ticket2wite at http://ticket2write.tripod.com
                > Yahoo! Groups Links









                Learn more about ticket2wite at http://ticket2write.tripod.com
                Yahoo! Groups Links












                Learn more about ticket2wite at http://ticket2write.tripod.com


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