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Re: Please Critique - Information Overload

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  • jesse45039
    twilkins, My feeble mind can not grasp all that is going on. I am getting too much information too fast. Plus, I think there is more going on in your head than
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 3, 2005
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      My feeble mind can not grasp all that is going on. I am getting too
      much information too fast. Plus, I think there is more going on in
      your head than is reaching the paper. Perhaps you should slow down a
      little and build the world in chunks that I can absorb and
      understand. Thanks.


      --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "twilkins3000"
      <twilkins3000@y...> wrote:
      > I need to know what you thought I did good and what you thought I
      > bad. Please tell me how far you read when you critique.
      > GENRE: Fantasy. It takes place on another world with different
      > creatures than in earth or earth's myths.
      > Meke [meh kay] walked down a gravel road and he spotted a linked
      > of wagons pulled by a single creature known as a four-tailed
      > This common shaggy beast's image wavered and changed into a small
      > creature. Meke blinked and then he saw the four-tailed buffalo as
      > ordinary as ever.
      > Meke approached it and saw no change in the buffalo's shape. He
      > looked away and rubbed his eyes. When he looked back, he saw an
      > of the two creatures in the same place, their images overlapping.
      > The second image, the small creature, was half his height. It
      > possessed the body and neck of a bird, but with the head of a fox
      > humanoid legs. It had wings instead of arms.
      > Meke saw nobody in the wagon train. It remained stopped at the
      > of the road.
      > He asked himself, am I seeing things again? Where is the driver?
      > Hopefully no one sees me staring at this plain buffalo like it's
      > something peculiar.
      > He walked by the buffalo and looked down the other side of the
      > of wagons. He found not a person was in sight. Off the road,
      > earth and shrubs went on for a long distance.
      > He thought, I need to know if this time I'm crazy like many times
      > before.
      > He focused his mind on the buffalo or whatever it was. He drew
      > within himself and projected it to force the buffalo to reveal its
      > true form.
      > The buffalo's image vanished. However, its hoof prints remained
      > the gravel. The small creature and its shadow stood before him.
      > Meke saw it more clearly than before. White, with a hint of
      > feathers covered its body. On the parts of its body that ropes
      > to, the feathers had fallen off, and skin with scabs and calluses
      > showed underneath.
      > It gracefully turned his head toward him. It said, "I'm Berani
      > ahn ee]. Yara has only gone off to go the bathroom. If he sees
      > you've done, then he'll beat me and kill you. Change me back and
      > someone to stop what he's been doing to my people."
      > By the look of Berani, his people were the Sayap [saw yahp],
      > rumored to be myths. Meke inferred that Yara [yahr ah] was the
      > of the chained wagons. Still, Meke wondered if he was crazy,
      > hallucinating again. Maybe if he found the driver and confirmed
      > name, then he would be not. He did not remember ever being right
      > about such things before.
      > Meke said, "Your people are the Sayap? Give me a detailed message
      > say."
      > Berani shook his wings. "You know nothing? Look in the crates!
      > in the crates!"
      > Meke turned his head to a dozen wagons behind Berani, connected by
      > links of metal. Atop them, large wooden crates piled several
      > higher than Meke's stature. He focused his mental energy on them
      > tried to see within. Even in the dark within them, if he tried,
      > could see into an ordinary crate. But for these, a force blocked
      > He psychically struggled against it and all the boxes flared a
      > light that was brighter than the sun.
      > Meke's eyes closed on instinct. When he reopened them, the flash
      > stopped. The boxes remained as they had been.
      > Berani was trembling and darting his head everywhere, looking for
      > something. Meke spotted someone in the distance crawling out of a
      > ditch. That someone was humanoid, with smooth yet tough skin
      > in large red and maroon spots. The person had no hair, but had
      > spike-like, small, tentacles on his head. He also had no
      > This appearance was the same as Meke-they were both of the
      > Ulayan [oo lay ahn].
      > Meke dropped to a crouch and scrambled behind the leading wagon's
      > wheel, which did not fully conceal him. He squatted on the
      > side of the wagon from where someone, possibly Yara, approached.
      > eyed the crates for one to hide behind as he muttered to
      Berani, "Yara
      > put Sayaps in the crates?"
      > Berani said, "No, he did much worse."
      > Meke focused his energy on a line of rope that went from Berani to
      > lead wagon. He tried to force it apart with his mind, but only a
      > strands came loose. When he stopped, these strands wiggled and
      > reattached themselves.
      > Resigned, Meke restored Berani's image to a four-tailed buffalo.
      > The other Ulayan approached, straightening his gown. Meke climbed
      > onto the first wagon, crawled to the back, and hid behind the tall
      > stacks of crates.
      > The other Ulayan's footsteps halted at Berani. The Ulayan
      said, "I'm
      > sorry you tried to escape. Such a dumb critter." A sound of
      > moving about came beside him. "I want to help." After a pause,
      > sound of a whip cracking along someone's body came.
      > Meke shouted, "Yara!"
      > After a pause, the whipping did not repeat. Then footsteps moved
      > around the first wagon.
      > Meke crept to the side that the footsteps came and quickly peeked
      > an instant.
      > The other Ulayan said, "Yes?"
      > Meke thought, definitely Yara.
      > Meke arose and leapt off the wagon. His shoes crunched into the
      > gravel road.
      > Yara tucked his whip in his belt and withdrew a knife from a
      sheath at
      > his waist. He approached Meke calmly with a pleasant look on his
      > face. He pointed his knife at Meke and an invisible force from
      > blade threw Meke back.
      > Meke flew a short ways and skidded onto the ground on his back.
      > felt a tightening in his chest, which the knife pointed at. He
      > flailed his arms and legs, but could not make his body rise. He
      > struggled to inhale the smallest breath. The bones in his
      > vibrated painfully.
      > Yara strolled toward him and halted just out of reach of Meke's
      > The force of the knife increased and Meke could no longer
      > Without air in his lungs, he also could not speak. He saw that
      > knife's blade, once straight, had twisted into a spiral.
      > Yara smiled. "Even thieves are supposed to know Ulayan etiquette,
      > to pry into other people's affairs."
      > Meke was no thief. He also knew that even though he could not
      > breathe, he could wait a couple minutes before he would pass out.
      > was sure that from Yara's actions to him, that what he perceived
      > Berani was real.
      > Meke decided to feign death. He changed the flailing of his arms
      > legs to twitching. He increased the speed of the twitching as
      fast as
      > he could, then he stopped. He closed his eyes and made no
      > The pressure on his chest continued for half a minute, then it
      > stopped. Moments later, he felt Yara's presence trying to sense
      if he
      > was still alive.
      > Meke popped his eyes open. Yara's knife pointed beside him, no
      > in a spiral. In less than a second, Yara could point it right
      back at
      > him.
      > Yara's psychic presence left Meke. Yara's hand tightened over his
      > knife and the blade bent into a helix again. Meke focused his
      > on the hand with Yara's enchanted knife and pushed it away from
      > But Yara fought back, bringing his other hand to help pull the
      > knife-wielding one to aim at Meke. The knife, pointed at the
      > lifted gravel and mashed it into balls. These balls shifted as
      > knife alternated between pointing close to and far from Meke's
      > forming new clumps of gravel and scattering old ones.
      > Out of Yara's head, a dark brown mist materialized. Meke
      suspected it
      > was poisonous energy, a common tactic at the early point of a
      > It shot toward Meke faster than a bird. It gave Meke dizziness,
      > nausea, and a sense of weakness. He fought to avoid losing
      > consciousness. He saw that he no longer could mentally hold back
      > aim of Yara's knife and its aim inched its way toward him,
      > gravel where it pointed. Meke summoned his energy and reflected
      > poisonous energy mist toward where the knife's aim was pointing.
      > Yara gasped and his knife's blade uncoiled itself. The arm that
      > wielded it drooped, fingers barely holding the knife. Meke knew
      > his action had sickened Yara's arm, and it would be hours before
      > could direct magical energy into the knife.
      > But Yara continued to throw the brown mist of energy at him, even
      > Meke rolled and stood up. Meke continued deflecting as much of it
      > he could, but some got through to him. He focused his energy away
      > from Yara's arm that wield the knife. Meke focused on Yara's neck
      > tried to severe it from its head. The mist stopped.
      > Yara's head wobbled, but remained on his neck.
      > Meke focused his mind on the soil beneath Yara's shoes, and
      > psychically shot it away from Yara, making him stumble and trip.
      > wanted him to trip forward, but he steadied himself enough to fall
      > his back.
      > Dust billowed from the ground below Yara as Meke ran toward him,
      > jumped on his right arm, and kicked the knife out of his hand.
      > bent over and reached for the knife, but it jumped away from him
      > as he touched it. The knife landed underneath the first wagon.
      > Yara rolled under the wagon and picked up his knife with his good
      > hand. In the wagon's shadow, Yara spun the knife's aim toward
      > It's blade twisted into a spiral. A force from it came toward
      > first locking his feet together, then the knife pointed upward
      > his knees slam.
      > As Meke fell, he thought about the wheels of the wagon. He
      > his psychic energy toward them, and tried to pry them off. The
      > and its wheels shook. Yara began to scramble out from under the
      > wagon. The first wheel fell.
      > The magic from Yara's knife moved up to Meke's gut, making him
      > on the brown-orange pebbles of the road. Meke pushed himself to
      > knees and then rolled away from where the knife pointed, onto the
      > yellow-orange dirt beside the road. For a moment he escaped from
      > where the knife pointed. He focused all his energy on two of the
      > wheels of the wagon. A second later the knife's energy force hit
      > again. It stuck his chest and threw him backward. Then the two
      > wheels broke off from the wagon. Part of the wagon fell onto
      > hand that held the knife. Its force stopped.
      > Meke arose. He wiped the vomit off his mouth with his hand, then
      > hand on a clean part of the road's gravel. He could have cleaned
      > himself better with magic, but he wanted to save this energy. He
      > expended a lot of it in battle.
      > He leaned over and peaked under the wagon, then squatted. Only
      > head stood out uncrushed. Yara glared with a look of being
      > Meke saw no fear or dread in his eyes.
      > Meke said, "Explain and I will let you go." He doubted he would
      > Yara go even if he explained.
      > Yara scowled and threw mental energy that tried to slice Meke's
      > into three pieces. Meke shielded himself by projecting energy,
      > barring the attack. As Meke began to force the wagon's final
      > off with his mind, Yara threw psychic blade after blade at him,
      > Meke deflected.
      > The wheel snapped off. The wagon fell onto Yara. Even with a
      > stack of crates on the wagon, it wobbled and shook. Meke knew
      > was holding it off him with his mind. In time, Yara's energy
      > deplete from this and Meke could interrogate him.
      > Meke strolled toward the front of the wagon. Upon sensing the
      > illusion upon Berani as a buffalo, Meke sensed it and found that
      > had reinforced this illusion and crudely. So crudely that Meke
      > shattered it in an instant.
      > The buffalo's head which was looking at him, changed into a fox's
      > on a bird's neck. In Berani's true form, blood ran down its
      > midsection where Yara had whipped.
      > Meke said, "Yara tried to strengthen your illusion and did it
      > so it weakened it. This time, it can't return."
      > Berani jittered as it talked, shaking its feathers and the rope on
      > "Kill him and get me out of here!"
      > Meke psychically sealed Berani's wound and healed the skin as he
      > "My kind, Ulayans, are hard to kill without certain weapons. If I
      > continued to fight him, we'd wear each other out, and his knife
      > him the advantage."
      > Berani smiled. "Ahh.. yes, kill him slowly."
      > "'Less you can tell me all I need, I intend to interrogate him."
      > glanced back at the wagon that continued to shake. "First,
      > the rope off you."
      > Berani looked at the several places where the rope constricted
      > its body. It then bent its head down to the main line of rope
      > ran to the first wagon. It lifted this line with a wing and bit
      > on it.
      > Meke squinted and could not see the rope tear in Berani's foxlike
      > teeth. Where the rope connected to the first wagon, it had a
      > of knots that Meke believed he could not untie, especially with
      > magic within the rope.
      > Meke sent his mental energy toward the part of the wagon that the
      > tied to. Magically, he broke that section of the wagon off,
      > the driver's chair as well. Equipment on the chair spilled out,
      > none were of use to him.
      > Meke began to smile, but stopped as the rope untied itself from
      > part of the wagon that had broken off. It moved in a blur and
      > attached in new bindings to the remainder of the wagon. Meke
      > comprehended that if he shattered the wagon, Yara would go free,
      > the rope would pull Benari and reattach itself to the second
      > Meke suspected that even if he destroyed all the wagons, the rope
      > would burrow half of itself into the ground. He doubted it could
      > burn, things of that magic never do.
      > Berani spat the rope out of its mouth. It said, "I've been tied
      > that rope for eons ever since Yara captured me. He had been
      > kidnapping my people, the Sayap, and our numbers already are low.
      > organized a group of us to fight him off, but he's got more of
      > Meke said, "How soon do they think they will come here?"
      > "I don't know what he does with my people, but check the crates, I
      > told you! Check."
      > "I need to know the answer to my question."
      > "Probably won't come for-then again, they might be following him
      > another bunch of wagons. My people are a lot less magically
      > than you. Can't win but I'd try."
      > Meke paced toward the nearest crate and eyed it to see how it
      > open. He turned back to Benari who was watching him with
      > anticipation.
      > A thought occurred to Meke, "What's your gender?"
      > Before Berani answered, Meke noticed the wagon stopped moving. It
      > looked lower than before as well.
      > Berani said, "We don't have any."
      > Meke extended his presence under the wagon and sensed for any sign
      > Yara. None existed. Thoughts of teleportation came to him, but
      > knew few had the strength for that. Maybe Yara had a device.
      > Out of the corner of Meke's eye, he saw the trailing wagon
      > Then the next one.
      > As he ran toward Berani, five more vanished. He grabbed Berani's
      > and put the other on the rope.
      > Meke said, "Yara has teleported away and is teleporting the wagons
      > him. When he gets to you, I'm coming along."
      > Berani ruffled its wings. "No, him along with his employees will
      > you. Leave and warn someone."
      > Meke pondered for a moment as two more wagons vanished, leaving
      > the first. He said, "I can change your form. Try to squeeze out
      > the ropes."
      > Berani nodded.
      > Meke directed his energy to keep the ropes from constricting as he
      > made Berani elastic. Berani squeezed his wings and then his torso
      > from the rope. He moved like a puddle on the ground and escaped
      > rope. Meke restored the form of Berani who collapsed afterward.
      > Meke said, "I don't have time to heal you right now. Come on."
      > Strands of the rope came apart on their own and shot toward
      > Meke tried to hold them back with his mind as he grabbed and
      > Berani along the ground. Berani flopped limply and, every so
      > groaned.
      > Meke glanced quickly and saw nobody else on the road. Along the
      > cracked yellow-orange earth beside it, he saw only a few shrubs,
      > many without leaves. Toward where he moved, a blurred image of a
      > distant city shown with towers rising.
      > Then, the first wagon along with the rope vanished. The detached
      > wheels remained.
      > Meke stopped. He laid Berani on its back and focused his energy
      > healing what damage he had caused it by making it elastic. He
      > tried to heal the damage that Yara had caused it from whippings
      > making it a beast of burden that pulled more than the average
      > could. Meke reasoned that the effort required draining Berani of
      > magical energy, and obviously, this also kept it from being able
      > defend itself from Yara.
      > Meke said quietly, "What was in those crates?"
      > Berani stirred. "Don't know. It'd tell me what that bastard did
      > the Sayaps he kidnapped."
      > Meke looked at his ripped gown, and opened a small pack he
      > He sifted inside and pulled out a gown, which he handed to Berani.
      > He said, "This is my size, so it'll keep who you are secret."
      > Berani stumbled as tried to get up, then it arose quickly. It
      > the clothes over itself and managed to conceal its head also.
      > Cloaked, it turned south to the city in the distance and
      said, "Yara
      > has my people in a horrible place so far north we'd never get
      > But he does have a franchise of shops in most cities that we can
      > target."
      > Meke said, "Don't you come from far north?"
      > "Further."
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