Re: Please Critique - Information Overload
My feeble mind can not grasp all that is going on. I am getting too
much information too fast. Plus, I think there is more going on in
your head than is reaching the paper. Perhaps you should slow down a
little and build the world in chunks that I can absorb and
--- In firstname.lastname@example.org, "twilkins3000"
> I need to know what you thought I did good and what you thought I
> bad. Please tell me how far you read when you critique.train
> GENRE: Fantasy. It takes place on another world with different
> creatures than in earth or earth's myths.
> CHAPTER ONE
> Meke [meh kay] walked down a gravel road and he spotted a linked
> of wagons pulled by a single creature known as a four-tailedbuffalo.
> This common shaggy beast's image wavered and changed into a smallimage
> creature. Meke blinked and then he saw the four-tailed buffalo as
> ordinary as ever.
> Meke approached it and saw no change in the buffalo's shape. He
> looked away and rubbed his eyes. When he looked back, he saw an
> of the two creatures in the same place, their images overlapping.and
> The second image, the small creature, was half his height. It
> possessed the body and neck of a bird, but with the head of a fox
> humanoid legs. It had wings instead of arms.side
> Meke saw nobody in the wagon train. It remained stopped at the
> of the road.chain
> He asked himself, am I seeing things again? Where is the driver?
> Hopefully no one sees me staring at this plain buffalo like it's
> something peculiar.
> He walked by the buffalo and looked down the other side of the
> of wagons. He found not a person was in sight. Off the road,just
> earth and shrubs went on for a long distance.energy
> He thought, I need to know if this time I'm crazy like many times
> He focused his mind on the buffalo or whatever it was. He drew
> within himself and projected it to force the buffalo to reveal itson
> true form.
> The buffalo's image vanished. However, its hoof prints remained
> the gravel. The small creature and its shadow stood before him.green,
> Meke saw it more clearly than before. White, with a hint of
> feathers covered its body. On the parts of its body that ropesclung
> to, the feathers had fallen off, and skin with scabs and calluses[behr
> showed underneath.
> It gracefully turned his head toward him. It said, "I'm Berani
> ahn ee]. Yara has only gone off to go the bathroom. If he seeswhat
> you've done, then he'll beat me and kill you. Change me back andget
> someone to stop what he's been doing to my people."creatures
> By the look of Berani, his people were the Sayap [saw yahp],
> rumored to be myths. Meke inferred that Yara [yahr ah] was thedriver
> of the chained wagons. Still, Meke wondered if he was crazy,his
> hallucinating again. Maybe if he found the driver and confirmed
> name, then he would be not. He did not remember ever being rightto
> about such things before.
> Meke said, "Your people are the Sayap? Give me a detailed message
> Berani shook his wings. "You know nothing? Look in the crates!
> in the crates!"times
> Meke turned his head to a dozen wagons behind Berani, connected by
> links of metal. Atop them, large wooden crates piled several
> higher than Meke's stature. He focused his mental energy on themand
> tried to see within. Even in the dark within them, if he tried,he
> could see into an ordinary crate. But for these, a force blockedhim.
> He psychically struggled against it and all the boxes flared ared
> light that was brighter than the sun.had
> Meke's eyes closed on instinct. When he reopened them, the flash
> stopped. The boxes remained as they had been.colored
> Berani was trembling and darting his head everywhere, looking for
> something. Meke spotted someone in the distance crawling out of a
> ditch. That someone was humanoid, with smooth yet tough skin
> in large red and maroon spots. The person had no hair, but hadmany
> spike-like, small, tentacles on his head. He also had nofingernails.
> This appearance was the same as Meke-they were both of thespecies
> Ulayan [oo lay ahn].opposite
> Meke dropped to a crouch and scrambled behind the leading wagon's
> wheel, which did not fully conceal him. He squatted on the
> side of the wagon from where someone, possibly Yara, approached.Meke
> eyed the crates for one to hide behind as he muttered toBerani, "Yara
> put Sayaps in the crates?"the
> Berani said, "No, he did much worse."
> Meke focused his energy on a line of rope that went from Berani to
> lead wagon. He tried to force it apart with his mind, but only afew
> strands came loose. When he stopped, these strands wiggled andsaid, "I'm
> reattached themselves.
> Resigned, Meke restored Berani's image to a four-tailed buffalo.
> The other Ulayan approached, straightening his gown. Meke climbed
> onto the first wagon, crawled to the back, and hid behind the tall
> stacks of crates.
> The other Ulayan's footsteps halted at Berani. The Ulayan
> sorry you tried to escape. Such a dumb critter." A sound ofitems
> moving about came beside him. "I want to help." After a pause,the
> sound of a whip cracking along someone's body came.for
> Meke shouted, "Yara!"
> After a pause, the whipping did not repeat. Then footsteps moved
> around the first wagon.
> Meke crept to the side that the footsteps came and quickly peeked
> an instant.sheath at
> The other Ulayan said, "Yes?"
> Meke thought, definitely Yara.
> Meke arose and leapt off the wagon. His shoes crunched into the
> gravel road.
> Yara tucked his whip in his belt and withdrew a knife from a
> his waist. He approached Meke calmly with a pleasant look on hisits
> face. He pointed his knife at Meke and an invisible force from
> blade threw Meke back.He
> Meke flew a short ways and skidded onto the ground on his back.
> felt a tightening in his chest, which the knife pointed at. Hemidsection
> flailed his arms and legs, but could not make his body rise. He
> struggled to inhale the smallest breath. The bones in his
> vibrated painfully.arms.
> Yara strolled toward him and halted just out of reach of Meke's
> The force of the knife increased and Meke could no longerbreathe.
> Without air in his lungs, he also could not speak. He saw thatthe
> knife's blade, once straight, had twisted into a spiral.not
> Yara smiled. "Even thieves are supposed to know Ulayan etiquette,
> to pry into other people's affairs."He
> Meke was no thief. He also knew that even though he could not
> breathe, he could wait a couple minutes before he would pass out.
> was sure that from Yara's actions to him, that what he perceivedof
> Berani was real.and
> Meke decided to feign death. He changed the flailing of his arms
> legs to twitching. He increased the speed of the twitching asfast as
> he could, then he stopped. He closed his eyes and made nomovements.
> The pressure on his chest continued for half a minute, then it
> stopped. Moments later, he felt Yara's presence trying to sense
> was still alive.longer
> Meke popped his eyes open. Yara's knife pointed beside him, no
> in a spiral. In less than a second, Yara could point it rightback at
> Yara's psychic presence left Meke. Yara's hand tightened over his
> knife and the blade bent into a helix again. Meke focused his
> on the hand with Yara's enchanted knife and pushed it away fromhim.
> But Yara fought back, bringing his other hand to help pull theroad,
> knife-wielding one to aim at Meke. The knife, pointed at the
> lifted gravel and mashed it into balls. These balls shifted asthe
> knife alternated between pointing close to and far from Meke'sbody,
> forming new clumps of gravel and scattering old ones.suspected it
> Out of Yara's head, a dark brown mist materialized. Meke
> was poisonous energy, a common tactic at the early point of aduel.
> It shot toward Meke faster than a bird. It gave Meke dizziness,the
> nausea, and a sense of weakness. He fought to avoid losing
> consciousness. He saw that he no longer could mentally hold back
> aim of Yara's knife and its aim inched its way toward him,unsettling
> gravel where it pointed. Meke summoned his energy and reflectedthe
> poisonous energy mist toward where the knife's aim was pointing.that
> Yara gasped and his knife's blade uncoiled itself. The arm that
> wielded it drooped, fingers barely holding the knife. Meke knew
> his action had sickened Yara's arm, and it would be hours beforeit
> could direct magical energy into the knife.as
> But Yara continued to throw the brown mist of energy at him, even
> Meke rolled and stood up. Meke continued deflecting as much of itas
> he could, but some got through to him. He focused his energy awayand
> from Yara's arm that wield the knife. Meke focused on Yara's neck
> tried to severe it from its head. The mist stopped.Meke
> Yara's head wobbled, but remained on his neck.
> Meke focused his mind on the soil beneath Yara's shoes, and
> psychically shot it away from Yara, making him stumble and trip.
> wanted him to trip forward, but he steadied himself enough to fallon
> his back.Meke
> Dust billowed from the ground below Yara as Meke ran toward him,
> jumped on his right arm, and kicked the knife out of his hand.
> bent over and reached for the knife, but it jumped away from himright
> as he touched it. The knife landed underneath the first wagon.Meke.
> Yara rolled under the wagon and picked up his knife with his good
> hand. In the wagon's shadow, Yara spun the knife's aim toward
> It's blade twisted into a spiral. A force from it came towardMeke,
> first locking his feet together, then the knife pointed upwardmaking
> his knees slam.focused
> As Meke fell, he thought about the wheels of the wagon. He
> his psychic energy toward them, and tried to pry them off. Thewagon
> and its wheels shook. Yara began to scramble out from under thevomit
> wagon. The first wheel fell.
> The magic from Yara's knife moved up to Meke's gut, making him
> on the brown-orange pebbles of the road. Meke pushed himself tohis
> knees and then rolled away from where the knife pointed, onto thehim
> yellow-orange dirt beside the road. For a moment he escaped from
> where the knife pointed. He focused all his energy on two of the
> wheels of the wagon. A second later the knife's energy force hit
> again. It stuck his chest and threw him backward. Then the twoYara's
> wheels broke off from the wagon. Part of the wagon fell onto
> hand that held the knife. Its force stopped.his
> Meke arose. He wiped the vomit off his mouth with his hand, then
> hand on a clean part of the road's gravel. He could have cleanedhad
> himself better with magic, but he wanted to save this energy. He
> expended a lot of it in battle.Yara's
> He leaned over and peaked under the wagon, then squatted. Only
> head stood out uncrushed. Yara glared with a look of beingoffended.
> Meke saw no fear or dread in his eyes.let
> Meke said, "Explain and I will let you go." He doubted he would
> Yara go even if he explained.body
> Yara scowled and threw mental energy that tried to slice Meke's
> into three pieces. Meke shielded himself by projecting energy,wheel
> barring the attack. As Meke began to force the wagon's final
> off with his mind, Yara threw psychic blade after blade at him,which
> Meke deflected.high
> The wheel snapped off. The wagon fell onto Yara. Even with a
> stack of crates on the wagon, it wobbled and shook. Meke knewYara
> was holding it off him with his mind. In time, Yara's energywould
> deplete from this and Meke could interrogate him.Yara
> Meke strolled toward the front of the wagon. Upon sensing the
> illusion upon Berani as a buffalo, Meke sensed it and found that
> had reinforced this illusion and crudely. So crudely that Mekehead
> shattered it in an instant.
> The buffalo's head which was looking at him, changed into a fox's
> on a bird's neck. In Berani's true form, blood ran down itshastily
> midsection where Yara had whipped.
> Meke said, "Yara tried to strengthen your illusion and did it
> so it weakened it. This time, it can't return."it.
> Berani jittered as it talked, shaking its feathers and the rope on
> "Kill him and get me out of here!"said,
> Meke psychically sealed Berani's wound and healed the skin as he
> "My kind, Ulayans, are hard to kill without certain weapons. If Igives
> continued to fight him, we'd wear each other out, and his knife
> him the advantage."Meke
> Berani smiled. "Ahh.. yes, kill him slowly."
> "'Less you can tell me all I need, I intend to interrogate him."
> glanced back at the wagon that continued to shake. "First,getting
> the rope off you."around
> Berani looked at the several places where the rope constricted
> its body. It then bent its head down to the main line of ropethat
> ran to the first wagon. It lifted this line with a wing and bitdown
> on it.series
> Meke squinted and could not see the rope tear in Berani's foxlike
> teeth. Where the rope connected to the first wagon, it had a
> of knots that Meke believed he could not untie, especially withthe
> magic within the rope.rope
> Meke sent his mental energy toward the part of the wagon that the
> tied to. Magically, he broke that section of the wagon off,taking
> the driver's chair as well. Equipment on the chair spilled out,but
> none were of use to him.the
> Meke began to smile, but stopped as the rope untied itself from
> part of the wagon that had broken off. It moved in a blur andand
> attached in new bindings to the remainder of the wagon. Meke
> comprehended that if he shattered the wagon, Yara would go free,
> the rope would pull Benari and reattach itself to the secondwagon.
> Meke suspected that even if he destroyed all the wagons, the ropeto
> would burrow half of itself into the ground. He doubted it could
> burn, things of that magic never do.
> Berani spat the rope out of its mouth. It said, "I've been tied
> that rope for eons ever since Yara captured me. He had beenI
> kidnapping my people, the Sayap, and our numbers already are low.
> organized a group of us to fight him off, but he's got more ofhim."
> Meke said, "How soon do they think they will come here?"
> "I don't know what he does with my people, but check the crates, I
> told you! Check."
> "I need to know the answer to my question."
> "Probably won't come for-then again, they might be following him
> another bunch of wagons. My people are a lot less magicallypowerful
> than you. Can't win but I'd try."would
> Meke paced toward the nearest crate and eyed it to see how it
> open. He turned back to Benari who was watching him withof
> A thought occurred to Meke, "What's your gender?"
> Before Berani answered, Meke noticed the wagon stopped moving. It
> looked lower than before as well.
> Berani said, "We don't have any."
> Meke extended his presence under the wagon and sensed for any sign
> Yara. None existed. Thoughts of teleportation came to him, buthe
> knew few had the strength for that. Maybe Yara had a device.vanish.
> Out of the corner of Meke's eye, he saw the trailing wagon
> Then the next one.wing
> As he ran toward Berani, five more vanished. He grabbed Berani's
> and put the other on the rope.to
> Meke said, "Yara has teleported away and is teleporting the wagons
> him. When he gets to you, I'm coming along."kill
> Berani ruffled its wings. "No, him along with his employees will
> you. Leave and warn someone."only
> Meke pondered for a moment as two more wagons vanished, leaving
> the first. He said, "I can change your form. Try to squeeze outof
> the ropes."out
> Berani nodded.
> Meke directed his energy to keep the ropes from constricting as he
> made Berani elastic. Berani squeezed his wings and then his torso
> from the rope. He moved like a puddle on the ground and escapedthe
> rope. Meke restored the form of Berani who collapsed afterward.Berani.
> Meke said, "I don't have time to heal you right now. Come on."
> Strands of the rope came apart on their own and shot toward
> Meke tried to hold them back with his mind as he grabbed anddragged
> Berani along the ground. Berani flopped limply and, every sooften,
> Meke glanced quickly and saw nobody else on the road. Along the
> cracked yellow-orange earth beside it, he saw only a few shrubs,
> many without leaves. Toward where he moved, a blurred image of aon
> distant city shown with towers rising.
> Then, the first wagon along with the rope vanished. The detached
> wheels remained.
> Meke stopped. He laid Berani on its back and focused his energy
> healing what damage he had caused it by making it elastic. Healso
> tried to heal the damage that Yara had caused it from whippingsand
> making it a beast of burden that pulled more than the averagebovine
> could. Meke reasoned that the effort required draining Berani ofits
> magical energy, and obviously, this also kept it from being ableto
> defend itself from Yara.to
> Meke said quietly, "What was in those crates?"
> Berani stirred. "Don't know. It'd tell me what that bastard did
> the Sayaps he kidnapped."carried.
> Meke looked at his ripped gown, and opened a small pack he
> He sifted inside and pulled out a gown, which he handed to Berani.draped
> He said, "This is my size, so it'll keep who you are secret."
> Berani stumbled as tried to get up, then it arose quickly. It
> the clothes over itself and managed to conceal its head also.said, "Yara
> Cloaked, it turned south to the city in the distance and
> has my people in a horrible place so far north we'd never getthere.
> But he does have a franchise of shops in most cities that we can
> Meke said, "Don't you come from far north?"