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Re: [ticket2write] Re: Falling Sky (John again)

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  • Carol Carpenter
    Dear John, Borrowing from Matt s idea, each of us reads with different eyes . I will take your advice and leave this one be for a week or so. I certainly have
    Message 1 of 7 , Feb 2, 2005
      Dear John,
       
      Borrowing from Matt's idea, each of us reads with "different eyes". I will take your advice and leave this one be for a week or so. I certainly have plenty to keep me occupied. To have the time to write as I wished, I'd have to give up school. Since that is my big dream right now, I'll have to tough it out. You make good points, as always, and perhaps I can strengthen the beginning to meld more appropriately with the ending. Thanks again, John
       
      Carol

      John <brightasafig@...> wrote:


      I'm no expert, and you can sidestep anything I say when you know
      it's wrong. Like my point about the breathlessness. I find I
      sometimes critises someone else's work because I see a particular
      thing I'm currently struggling with! I'd like to say again, that
      last stanza was stunning, in my opinion. I'm looking forward to more
      of your poems. John

      --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, Carol Carpenter
      <carol_emt87@y...> wrote:
      > Dear John,

      > Yes, yes he does! 'Tis all about passion lost (bet you knew that)
      and what passion would wrought if acted upon. Once again, thank you
      for taking the time to comment. I know how tremendously busy we all
      are. On the other hand, it is disappointing when I get little or no
      feedback from the group. Your points are all well taken and I will
      think about them. I would very much like to publish my work. Getting
      it right is important, but I also risk losing my voice. A delicate
      balance must be achieved.
      > Carol
      >
      > John <brightasafig@y...> wrote:
      >
      >
      > Blimey, he must have had incredible obsidian eyes! I thought
      > from "fractured" to the end was exquisite � you use the fear of
      > Earth's forces to illustrate (shout, scream!) your feeling. I love
      > the richness and colour of the poem. However, maybe there's too
      much
      > detail, facts we don't need to know. I wondered if stanzas two and
      > three, and line two of stanza four, were necessary at all. The
      more
      > I read of yours, the more I feel you're best when you write from
      > your heart, not form your mind. I think you should leave this one
      > for a couple of weeks, then come back to it and cut out everything
      > that isn't as focussed as the last stanza, which is stunning.
      >
      >
      > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, Carol Carpenter
      > <carol_emt87@y...> wrote:
      > >
      > > Falling Sky
      > >
      > > 
      > >
      > > Where do you hide when the sky falls?
      > >
      > > as viscous magma rises below the dome
      > >
      > > pressure unvented bulges the snowpack
      > >
      > > molten rock, gas, and steam swelling
      > >
      > > a tempest coiling within the granite.
      > >
      > > 
      > >
      > > The scree betrays smoldering cinders
      > >
      > > no simple cascade of gentle magma
      > >
      > > no black river of rolling glass
      > >
      > > scorching the innocent land.
      > >
      > > 
      > >
      > > Mauna Loa calls to Pele
      > >
      > > Vesuvius and Krakatoa brands me
      > >
      > > detonation within the core
      > >
      > > plume and debris, landslide
      > >
      > > magnificent pyroclastic flow
      > >
      > > ash, steam and crimson rain
      > >
      > > no escape.
      > >
      > > 
      > >
      > > Where can you huddle when the earth opens?
      > >
      > > tectonic plates collide, shaking ancient civilizations
      > >
      > > revealing fractured chasm, shadowed soul
      > >
      > > precipice and abyss, abandoned
      > >
      > > on your crater's edge, your ring of fire
      > >
      > > vermillion desire cresting beneath my skin.
      > >
      > > 
      > >
      > > the raw nerve exposed
      > >
      > > on the tip of joy
      > >
      > > on the glacier of fire
      > >
      > > drowning in your obsidian eyes
      > >
      > > grasping tightly to one
      > >
      > > frozen wisp of smoke.
      > >
      > >
      > >            
      > > ---------------------------------
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