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SUB: Poem (Draft) From now on.

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  • David Barber
    From this Day. Will I live in fear From now on That one day your love will pack Board a plane, depart? As autumn covers the earth Now ready for cold Should I
    Message 1 of 5 , Apr 30, 2004
      From this Day.

      Will I live in fear
      From now on
      That one day your love will pack
      Board a plane, depart?

      As autumn covers the earth
      Now ready for cold
      Should I prepare for darkness depths
      Knowing the fall may kill.

      Not seeing the bottom
      I cringe, and tense
      Not ready for the impact
      My heart is empty, scared.

      Words are crystal.
      Transparent and fragile
      Slightest bump
      They shatter at my touch.

      Warning? Maybe none.
      No return journey above the clouds,
      Overcast remains, gray.
      No sunshine.
      .
      Even the brightest morning star
      Is heavy light flooding in.
      My head won't rise, my hand reaching for her.
      Warm and wonderful

      Vacant and cold.
      No home from now on.

      I'm buried for winter
      Ground too hard to till
      No skill to break it
      No desire to find it.

      We fell in love forever, sometimes.
      That one day.
      Expecting forever,
      Finding only yesterday.

      29 April 04






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    • Susan Donahue
      Dear David...This packs a real punch. I think you could tighten it up a bit, but you are definately on the right track. Suzianne
      Message 2 of 5 , May 1, 2004
        Dear David...This packs a real punch. I think you could tighten it
        up a bit, but you are definately on the right track.

        Suzianne


        --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, David Barber <ihman59@y...>
        wrote:
        > From this Day.
        >
        > Will I live in fear
        > From now on
        > That one day your love will pack
        > Board a plane, depart?
        >
        > As autumn covers the earth
        > Now ready for cold
        > Should I prepare for darkness depths
        > Knowing the fall may kill.
        >
        > Not seeing the bottom
        > I cringe, and tense
        > Not ready for the impact
        > My heart is empty, scared.
        >
        > Words are crystal.
        > Transparent and fragile
        > Slightest bump
        > They shatter at my touch.
        >
        > Warning? Maybe none.
        > No return journey above the clouds,
        > Overcast remains, gray.
        > No sunshine.
        > .
        > Even the brightest morning star
        > Is heavy light flooding in.
        > My head won't rise, my hand reaching for her.
        > Warm and wonderful
        >
        > Vacant and cold.
        > No home from now on.
        >
        > I'm buried for winter
        > Ground too hard to till
        > No skill to break it
        > No desire to find it.
        >
        > We fell in love forever, sometimes.
        > That one day.
        > Expecting forever,
        > Finding only yesterday.
        >
        > 29 April 04
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > __________________________________
        > Do you Yahoo!?
        > Win a $20,000 Career Makeover at Yahoo! HotJobs
        > http://hotjobs.sweepstakes.yahoo.com/careermakeover
      • David Barber
        I agree... It s missing something. I ve written several that were not quite the whole story. If you ve got suggestions, I m listening. Thanks for reading!
        Message 3 of 5 , May 1, 2004
          I agree...
          It's missing something. I've written several that
          were not quite the whole story. If you've got
          suggestions, I'm listening. Thanks for reading!
          --- Susan Donahue <suzianne411@...> wrote:
          > Dear David...This packs a real punch. I think you
          > could tighten it
          > up a bit, but you are definately on the right track.
          >
          >
          > Suzianne
          >
          >
          > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, David Barber
          > <ihman59@y...>
          > wrote:
          > > From this Day.
          > >
          > > Will I live in fear
          > > From now on
          > > That one day your love will pack
          > > Board a plane, depart?
          > >
          > > As autumn covers the earth
          > > Now ready for cold
          > > Should I prepare for darkness depths
          > > Knowing the fall may kill.
          > >
          > > Not seeing the bottom
          > > I cringe, and tense
          > > Not ready for the impact
          > > My heart is empty, scared.
          > >
          > > Words are crystal.
          > > Transparent and fragile
          > > Slightest bump
          > > They shatter at my touch.
          > >
          > > Warning? Maybe none.
          > > No return journey above the clouds,
          > > Overcast remains, gray.
          > > No sunshine.
          > > .
          > > Even the brightest morning star
          > > Is heavy light flooding in.
          > > My head won't rise, my hand reaching for her.
          > > Warm and wonderful
          > >
          > > Vacant and cold.
          > > No home from now on.
          > >
          > > I'm buried for winter
          > > Ground too hard to till
          > > No skill to break it
          > > No desire to find it.
          > >
          > > We fell in love forever, sometimes.
          > > That one day.
          > > Expecting forever,
          > > Finding only yesterday.
          > >
          > > 29 April 04
          > >
          > >
          > >
          > >
          > >
          > >
          > > __________________________________
          > > Do you Yahoo!?
          > > Win a $20,000 Career Makeover at Yahoo! HotJobs
          > >
          > http://hotjobs.sweepstakes.yahoo.com/careermakeover
          >
          >
          >





          __________________________________
          Do you Yahoo!?
          Win a $20,000 Career Makeover at Yahoo! HotJobs
          http://hotjobs.sweepstakes.yahoo.com/careermakeover
        • Susan Donahue
          Well...Here are some thoughts: The story seems to unfold out of sequence for me. I like the seasonal references. You could use that progression for
          Message 4 of 5 , May 2, 2004
            Well...Here are some thoughts: The story seems to unfold out of
            sequence for me. I like the seasonal references. You could use
            that progression for structure. (Spring/Promises
            made...Summer/Fufillment...Fall/Doubt and fear...Winter/Regrets,
            devistation, etc.)

            Also, you ask questions and make statements, but they do not always
            mesh. You begin with wondering if her love will pack up and
            go...then, later she seems to have departed. I think if you take a
            position on one side or the other of the event and stay there, the
            poem will come together for you.

            This has so much emotion. A little structure and wordplay could
            make something quite good out of this.

            Good luck with the rewrite. I look forward to seeing what you do
            with it.

            Suzianne


            --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, David Barber <ihman59@y...>
            wrote:
            > I agree...
            > It's missing something. I've written several that
            > were not quite the whole story. If you've got
            > suggestions, I'm listening. Thanks for reading!
            > --- Susan Donahue <suzianne411@y...> wrote:
            > > Dear David...This packs a real punch. I think you
            > > could tighten it
            > > up a bit, but you are definately on the right track.
            > >
            > >
            > > Suzianne
            > >
            > >
            > > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, David Barber
            > > <ihman59@y...>
            > > wrote:
            > > > From this Day.
            > > >
            > > > Will I live in fear
            > > > From now on
            > > > That one day your love will pack
            > > > Board a plane, depart?
            > > >
            > > > As autumn covers the earth
            > > > Now ready for cold
            > > > Should I prepare for darkness depths
            > > > Knowing the fall may kill.
            > > >
            > > > Not seeing the bottom
            > > > I cringe, and tense
            > > > Not ready for the impact
            > > > My heart is empty, scared.
            > > >
            > > > Words are crystal.
            > > > Transparent and fragile
            > > > Slightest bump
            > > > They shatter at my touch.
            > > >
            > > > Warning? Maybe none.
            > > > No return journey above the clouds,
            > > > Overcast remains, gray.
            > > > No sunshine.
            > > > .
            > > > Even the brightest morning star
            > > > Is heavy light flooding in.
            > > > My head won't rise, my hand reaching for her.
            > > > Warm and wonderful
            > > >
            > > > Vacant and cold.
            > > > No home from now on.
            > > >
            > > > I'm buried for winter
            > > > Ground too hard to till
            > > > No skill to break it
            > > > No desire to find it.
            > > >
            > > > We fell in love forever, sometimes.
            > > > That one day.
            > > > Expecting forever,
            > > > Finding only yesterday.
            > > >
            > > > 29 April 04
            > > >
            > > >
            > > >
            > > >
            > > >
            > > >
            > > > __________________________________
            > > > Do you Yahoo!?
            > > > Win a $20,000 Career Makeover at Yahoo! HotJobs
            > > >
            > > http://hotjobs.sweepstakes.yahoo.com/careermakeover
            > >
            > >
            > >
            >
            >
            >
            >
            >
            > __________________________________
            > Do you Yahoo!?
            > Win a $20,000 Career Makeover at Yahoo! HotJobs
            > http://hotjobs.sweepstakes.yahoo.com/careermakeover
          • David Barber
            I need to work on this. Thanks for looking at it. ... __________________________________ Do you Yahoo!? Win a $20,000 Career Makeover at Yahoo! HotJobs
            Message 5 of 5 , May 2, 2004
              I need to work on this. Thanks for looking at it.
              --- Susan Donahue <suzianne411@...> wrote:
              > Well...Here are some thoughts: The story seems to
              > unfold out of
              > sequence for me. I like the seasonal references.
              > You could use
              > that progression for structure. (Spring/Promises
              > made...Summer/Fufillment...Fall/Doubt and
              > fear...Winter/Regrets,
              > devistation, etc.)
              >
              > Also, you ask questions and make statements, but
              > they do not always
              > mesh. You begin with wondering if her love will
              > pack up and
              > go...then, later she seems to have departed. I
              > think if you take a
              > position on one side or the other of the event and
              > stay there, the
              > poem will come together for you.
              >
              > This has so much emotion. A little structure and
              > wordplay could
              > make something quite good out of this.
              >
              > Good luck with the rewrite. I look forward to
              > seeing what you do
              > with it.
              >
              > Suzianne
              >
              >
              > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, David Barber
              > <ihman59@y...>
              > wrote:
              > > I agree...
              > > It's missing something. I've written several that
              > > were not quite the whole story. If you've got
              > > suggestions, I'm listening. Thanks for reading!
              > > --- Susan Donahue <suzianne411@y...> wrote:
              > > > Dear David...This packs a real punch. I think
              > you
              > > > could tighten it
              > > > up a bit, but you are definately on the right
              > track.
              > > >
              > > >
              > > > Suzianne
              > > >
              > > >
              > > > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, David
              > Barber
              > > > <ihman59@y...>
              > > > wrote:
              > > > > From this Day.
              > > > >
              > > > > Will I live in fear
              > > > > From now on
              > > > > That one day your love will pack
              > > > > Board a plane, depart?
              > > > >
              > > > > As autumn covers the earth
              > > > > Now ready for cold
              > > > > Should I prepare for darkness depths
              > > > > Knowing the fall may kill.
              > > > >
              > > > > Not seeing the bottom
              > > > > I cringe, and tense
              > > > > Not ready for the impact
              > > > > My heart is empty, scared.
              > > > >
              > > > > Words are crystal.
              > > > > Transparent and fragile
              > > > > Slightest bump
              > > > > They shatter at my touch.
              > > > >
              > > > > Warning? Maybe none.
              > > > > No return journey above the clouds,
              > > > > Overcast remains, gray.
              > > > > No sunshine.
              > > > > .
              > > > > Even the brightest morning star
              > > > > Is heavy light flooding in.
              > > > > My head won't rise, my hand reaching for her.
              > > > > Warm and wonderful
              > > > >
              > > > > Vacant and cold.
              > > > > No home from now on.
              > > > >
              > > > > I'm buried for winter
              > > > > Ground too hard to till
              > > > > No skill to break it
              > > > > No desire to find it.
              > > > >
              > > > > We fell in love forever, sometimes.
              > > > > That one day.
              > > > > Expecting forever,
              > > > > Finding only yesterday.
              > > > >
              > > > > 29 April 04
              > > > >
              > > > >
              > > > >
              > > > >
              > > > >
              > > > >
              > > > > __________________________________
              > > > > Do you Yahoo!?
              > > > > Win a $20,000 Career Makeover at Yahoo!
              > HotJobs
              > > > >
              > > >
              > http://hotjobs.sweepstakes.yahoo.com/careermakeover
              > > >
              > > >
              > > >
              > >
              > >
              > >
              > >
              > >
              > > __________________________________
              > > Do you Yahoo!?
              > > Win a $20,000 Career Makeover at Yahoo! HotJobs
              > >
              > http://hotjobs.sweepstakes.yahoo.com/careermakeover
              >
              >
              >





              __________________________________
              Do you Yahoo!?
              Win a $20,000 Career Makeover at Yahoo! HotJobs
              http://hotjobs.sweepstakes.yahoo.com/careermakeover
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