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Re: Send Me Your Rain - equator

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  • Rach
    specifically, this person is now on the other side of the world to me. if you know that now, you ll see the distant lands connection. does that make sense? ...
    Message 1 of 7 , Sep 30, 2003
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      specifically, this person is now on the other side of the world to
      me. if you know that now, you'll see the distant lands connection.
      does that make sense?

      --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Joe Brown" <joebrown42@y...>
      wrote:
      > The Equator is no as imaginary as you make it out to be....
      > It is a geographical term, which brings a set of terms into the
      poem
      > which I;m not sure holds true throughout the poem.
      > hmmm...
      > will think, and ask you - if it's just an imaginary line, why
      > SPECIFICALLY the equator?
      >
      > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Rach" <prettybaby203@h...>
      > wrote:
      > > Interesting, I am not sure whether the line "hear my words,
      verbs,
      > > > can you as I put it is stronger longer or shorter.
      > >
      > > Definately stronger your way. I like it better.
      > > I did like your edited version, i think it made it more readable,
      > > easier to convey a message.
      > >
      > > > BTW - why the equator?
      > >
      > > The equator is an imaginary line, right? I felt like there was
      > indeed
      > > a line between me and this person.
      > >
      > > Thanks for all your help, I really appreciate!
      > >
      > > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Joe Brown"
      <joebrown42@y...>
      > > wrote:
      > > > Hey Rach,
      > > > Here is the "over-touched", over-edited version I made of it.
      > > > Interesting, I am not sure whether the line "hear my words,
      > verbs,
      > > > can you as I put it is stronger longer or shorter.
      > > > I took out "the"s, extra "my"s, in my opinion.
      > > > I tried to trust the reader's ability to understand when
      the "my"
      > > is
      > > > relevant for the speaker or for the reader, and not over-stress
      > it
      > > > (as I over-edited).
      > > > Looking forward to you answer.
      > > > BTW - why the equator? that's an unanswered question for me so
      > far.
      > > > even though it works
      > > >
      > > >
      > > > Across the equator greeting the fire
      > > > two distant lands to each other
      > > > too far to touch, to breathe
      > > > sharing the rain, send me your rain
      > > > let me take you home
      > > > and show you what could be missing
      > > >
      > > > thought maybe you could see this rarity
      > > > we mix like jam and jelly
      > > > will we still be
      > > > here
      > > > next year
      > > > running this bet
      > > > and I say god just doesn't care
      > > > this life has got stale
      > > > but I know
      > > > you're always
      > > > there
      > > > my lips in your hands
      > > >
      > > > distant miracle too far
      > > > near enough, seen
      > > > let me lay my words on your skin
      > > > hear my words, verbs, can you
      > > > and when they say let go
      > > > of that cloud
      > > > I think
      > > > I'll hold on
      > > > to you instead
      > > >
      > > > letting go amens, I'll wash me clean
      > > > send me your rain
      > > > let me wash away because
      > > > I see
      > > > fire in two distant lands
      > > > bridges burning
      > > > send me your rain
      > > > let me wash away
      > > >
      > > > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Rach"
      <prettybaby203@h...>
      > > > wrote:
      > > > > actually, this was spot-on. See it was originally written in
      4
      > > > > paragraphs (see the copy underneath) in which i simply wrote
      > > > without
      > > > > breaking. Then the only editing I did was to break it into
      > > > sentences.
      > > > > I was hoping to get some hints on editing it because it was
      > hard
      > > to
      > > > > know where to begin by that point, thank you for you
      comments,
      > > they
      > > > > are much helpful.
      > > > >
      > > > > --the 'untouched version--
      > > > >
      > > > > Across the equator greeting the fire I see it coming two
      > distant
      > > > > lands to each other too far to touch too far to breathe we
      > share
      > > > the
      > > > > rain send me your rain because I don't want you to go let me
      > take
      > > > you
      > > > > home and I'll show you what we could be missing
      > > > >
      > > > > Thought maybe you could see this rarity we mix like jam and
      > jelly
      > > > > will we still be here next year still be running this bet and
      I
      > > say
      > > > > God just doesn't care this life has got stale but I know
      you're
      > > > > always there with my lips in your hands
      > > > >
      > > > > A distant miracle too far to touch but near enough to see let
      > me
      > > > lay
      > > > > my words on your skin hear my words my verbs can you hear it?
      > and
      > > > > when they say 'let go of that cloud' I think I'll hold on to
      > you
      > > > > instead
      > > > >
      > > > > Letting go of my amens, I'll wash me clean send me your rain
      > let
      > > me
      > > > > wash away because I see it coming I see the fire in two
      distant
      > > > lands
      > > > > I see the bridges burning send me your rain let me wash away
      > > > >
      > > > >
      > > > > >that this was just an outpour
      > > > > > of emotion, with not enough editing.
      > > > >
      > > > > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Joe Brown"
      > > <joebrown42@y...>
      > > > > wrote:
      > > > > > Hi.
      > > > > > I liked your usage of imagery. Lots of themes mixe d
      > together,
      > > > but
      > > > > in
      > > > > > a good way.
      > > > > > I also liked the "this rarity/we mix like jam and jelly",
      BUT
      > > > > > I think it is overwordy in parts, and that this was just an
      > > > outpour
      > > > > > of emotion, with not enough editing.
      > > > > > some points it is overdone, some places underdone and some
      > > places
      > > > > > perfectly done.
      > > > > > Try not leading the reader ("I don't want you to go", for
      > > > instance)
      > > > > m
      > > > > > trust the reader.
      > > > > > right the idea not the specific.
      > > > > > did that make sense?
      > > > > >
      > > > > > --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Rach"
      > > <prettybaby203@h...>
      > > > > > wrote:
      > > > > > > Across the equator greeting the fire
      > > > > > > I see it coming
      > > > > > > two distant lands to each other
      > > > > > > too far to touch, too far to breathe
      > > > > > > we share the rain, send me your rain
      > > > > > > because I don't want you to go
      > > > > > > let me take you home and I'll show you what we could be
      > > missing
      > > > > > >
      > > > > > > Thought maybe you could see this rarity
      > > > > > > we mix like jam and jelly
      > > > > > > will we still be here next year
      > > > > > > still be running this bet
      > > > > > > and I say God just doesn't care
      > > > > > > this life has got stale
      > > > > > > but I know you're always there with my lips in your hands
      > > > > > >
      > > > > > > A distant miracle too far to touch
      > > > > > > but near enough to see
      > > > > > > let me lay my words on your skin
      > > > > > > hear my words, my verbs, can you hear it?
      > > > > > > and when they say 'let go of that cloud'
      > > > > > > I think I'll hold on to you instead
      > > > > > >
      > > > > > > Letting go of my amens, I'll wash me clean
      > > > > > > send me your rain
      > > > > > > let me wash away because I see it coming
      > > > > > > I see the fire in two distant lands
      > > > > > > I see the bridges burning
      > > > > > > send me your rain
      > > > > > > let me wash away
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