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"Lifted" Second Scene (2300 words)

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  • Torey Claiborne Griesman
    Hello Again, Second scene, Jack relaying his story to the prostitute Misti. Sorry about the formatting issues, especially with regards to dialogue. Again,
    Message 1 of 3 , Aug 5, 2003
      Hello Again,

      Second scene, Jack relaying his story to the prostitute Misti. Sorry
      about the formatting issues, especially with regards to dialogue.
      Again, thanks on any feedback.

      Torey

      ****************************************************************


      Jack had jumped from a rooftop into an above ground pool at his
      fraternity house when he was a senior in college. Drunk and stoned,
      his twenty-five foot leap before a group of cheering compatriots
      landed in the pool, but not enough of it. His feet and legs splashed
      down on target, but his back whipped across the lip of the plastic
      pool, head snapping back. His scared brothers pulled him from the
      pool, as frantically concerned about the seven kegs of beer and
      inebriated throng of gaping underage students as about Jack. The
      party quickly broke up under the flashing blue and red lights of an
      ambulance.

      Jack regained consciousness with an IV swaying rhythmically over his
      head and two blue-clad emergency technicians staring down at him. He
      turned to look to either side and could not, realizing his head,
      neck, and upper torso were encased in a plastic brace, padded with
      inflatable air chambers. He could only roll his eyes in either
      direction. He felt a pinching sensation in his back, but his senses
      were still buzzed from alcohol and marijuana. He recognized one of
      the EMTs from a sports medicine class, and intramural football, he
      was an underclassman named Jimmy. Jimmy once mentioned he worked the
      meat wagon for the university hospital. Funny coincidence.

      "Heyyyy Jimbo, what's up?" he said.
      Jimmy's mouth grimaced in a half smile. "Hi Jack".

      Jimmy asked him if he knew what day it was, told him to move his
      fingers, arms, legs, toes, but not to turn his head or sit up. Jack
      raised his hand, bringing it up his giant plastic wrapped head in a
      stern salute.

      "Aye aye Captain Jimbo" said Jack.
      Jimmy looked relieved to see the motion, but did not laugh, nor even
      smile. Jack lifted his leg, thought he might try to reach Jimmy's
      ribs and jab him with his toes. He was still in damp swim trunks,
      legs and feet bare. He reached over with his foot, not able to see
      down, but guessing where Jimmy's side would be. He felt air.

      "Where are you, you sneaky bastard?" Jack asked.
      "I'm right here. Please try to move your leg for us Jack".
      "I am moving it, gonna kick your ass, dude".
      "Try again"
      "What do you mean try? I'm about to make contact with your skinny
      butt right now!"

      Jimmy exchanged a quick glance with the other technician. Jack felt
      a swell of panic in his chest, and his beer-tinged bravado wilted.

      "Seriously, what's up guys? I'm lifting my leg right now."
      Jimmy looked down again, Jack's legs were motionless. Had been since
      they found him.
      "OK, thanks Jack, you can put it down again."
      Jack did, although he could not feel it touch down, he assumed the
      beer and pot were still working.

      "Tell me if you feel this" Jimmy said.
      Jimmy took a pencil from one of the many pockets in his blue
      jumpsuit, and poked Jack on the sole of his foot, then his knee, then
      thigh.
      "Feel what?" Jack said.
      Jimmy's face was a stone, and he continued by poking Jack's hip, palm
      and shoulder.
      "Yup, yup, yup, now don't give me lead poisoning with that thing,
      Jimbo."
      "Jack."
      "What?"
      "You didn't feel anything? Your leg, your foot?"
      "Nothing, are you going to test that too?"
      "I already did."
      "Well do it again, I'm pretty stoned to tell you the truth, if you
      hadn't noticed" Jack forced a hollow laugh.
      Jimmy repeated the test, this time with more pressure.
      "Are you doing it? Jim? Is it now? When is it?" Jack's voice was
      rising in pitch.
      "Relax, bud, doesn't mean anything. We're gonna get you to the
      hospital ASAP."
      "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck"
      "Easy Jack, almost there. Probably temporary loss of sensation. You
      ripped quite the cannonball back there, landed on the rim of the
      pool."
      "Don't bullshit me Jim, what do you mean temporary, of course it's
      temporary, right?"
      "Jack, we'll be there soon, the doctors will sort you out. They know
      this shit cold."
      "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. Poke me again. I want to see if it's
      back. Fucking poke me again god dammit"
      "Relax buddy, just relax, almost there".
    • Seamus Mc Giff
      Hello Torey, Glad to see you re dialogue is as fresh as your narrative. The dialogue felt real and whipped the story along nicely. As a rule (that I m known to
      Message 2 of 3 , Aug 5, 2003
        Hello Torey,

        Glad to see you're dialogue is as fresh as your narrative. The
        dialogue felt real and whipped the story along nicely.

        As a rule (that I'm known to break myself) I don't like the use of
        abbreviations, such as IV and EMT's, but again that's personal.

        Not taking away from your writing style, I was disappointed with the
        turn the story took. How Jack became paralysed was plausible, but not
        very interesting. However, I'm still along for the ride and look
        forward to seeing more.

        Thanks
        Seamus


        --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Torey Claiborne Griesman"
        <tgriesman@y...> wrote:
        > Hello Again,
        >
        > Second scene, Jack relaying his story to the prostitute Misti.
        Sorry
        > about the formatting issues, especially with regards to dialogue.
        > Again, thanks on any feedback.
        >
        > Torey
        >
        > ****************************************************************
        >
        >
        > Jack had jumped from a rooftop into an above ground pool at his
        > fraternity house when he was a senior in college. Drunk and
        stoned,
        > his twenty-five foot leap before a group of cheering compatriots
        > landed in the pool, but not enough of it. His feet and legs
        splashed
        > down on target, but his back whipped across the lip of the plastic
        > pool, head snapping back. His scared brothers pulled him from the
        > pool, as frantically concerned about the seven kegs of beer and
        > inebriated throng of gaping underage students as about Jack. The
        > party quickly broke up under the flashing blue and red lights of an
        > ambulance.
        >
        > Jack regained consciousness with an IV swaying rhythmically over
        his
        > head and two blue-clad emergency technicians staring down at him.
        He
        > turned to look to either side and could not, realizing his head,
        > neck, and upper torso were encased in a plastic brace, padded with
        > inflatable air chambers. He could only roll his eyes in either
        > direction. He felt a pinching sensation in his back, but his
        senses
        > were still buzzed from alcohol and marijuana. He recognized one of
        > the EMTs from a sports medicine class, and intramural football, he
        > was an underclassman named Jimmy. Jimmy once mentioned he worked
        the
        > meat wagon for the university hospital. Funny coincidence.
        >
        > "Heyyyy Jimbo, what's up?" he said.
        > Jimmy's mouth grimaced in a half smile. "Hi Jack".
        >
        > Jimmy asked him if he knew what day it was, told him to move his
        > fingers, arms, legs, toes, but not to turn his head or sit up.
        Jack
        > raised his hand, bringing it up his giant plastic wrapped head in a
        > stern salute.
        >
        > "Aye aye Captain Jimbo" said Jack.
        > Jimmy looked relieved to see the motion, but did not laugh, nor
        even
        > smile. Jack lifted his leg, thought he might try to reach Jimmy's
        > ribs and jab him with his toes. He was still in damp swim trunks,
        > legs and feet bare. He reached over with his foot, not able to see
        > down, but guessing where Jimmy's side would be. He felt air.
        >
        > "Where are you, you sneaky bastard?" Jack asked.
        > "I'm right here. Please try to move your leg for us Jack".
        > "I am moving it, gonna kick your ass, dude".
        > "Try again"
        > "What do you mean try? I'm about to make contact with your skinny
        > butt right now!"
        >
        > Jimmy exchanged a quick glance with the other technician. Jack
        felt
        > a swell of panic in his chest, and his beer-tinged bravado wilted.
        >
        > "Seriously, what's up guys? I'm lifting my leg right now."
        > Jimmy looked down again, Jack's legs were motionless. Had been
        since
        > they found him.
        > "OK, thanks Jack, you can put it down again."
        > Jack did, although he could not feel it touch down, he assumed the
        > beer and pot were still working.
        >
        > "Tell me if you feel this" Jimmy said.
        > Jimmy took a pencil from one of the many pockets in his blue
        > jumpsuit, and poked Jack on the sole of his foot, then his knee,
        then
        > thigh.
        > "Feel what?" Jack said.
        > Jimmy's face was a stone, and he continued by poking Jack's hip,
        palm
        > and shoulder.
        > "Yup, yup, yup, now don't give me lead poisoning with that thing,
        > Jimbo."
        > "Jack."
        > "What?"
        > "You didn't feel anything? Your leg, your foot?"
        > "Nothing, are you going to test that too?"
        > "I already did."
        > "Well do it again, I'm pretty stoned to tell you the truth, if you
        > hadn't noticed" Jack forced a hollow laugh.
        > Jimmy repeated the test, this time with more pressure.
        > "Are you doing it? Jim? Is it now? When is it?" Jack's voice was
        > rising in pitch.
        > "Relax, bud, doesn't mean anything. We're gonna get you to the
        > hospital ASAP."
        > "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck"
        > "Easy Jack, almost there. Probably temporary loss of sensation.
        You
        > ripped quite the cannonball back there, landed on the rim of the
        > pool."
        > "Don't bullshit me Jim, what do you mean temporary, of course it's
        > temporary, right?"
        > "Jack, we'll be there soon, the doctors will sort you out. They
        know
        > this shit cold."
        > "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. Poke me again. I want to see if it's
        > back. Fucking poke me again god dammit"
        > "Relax buddy, just relax, almost there".
      • Melissa
        Torey, I have to agree with Seamus here. Although I am still very interested to read more of your story, the 2nd submission just didn t really do it for me.
        Message 3 of 3 , Aug 5, 2003
          Torey,
          I have to agree with Seamus here.  Although I am still very interested to read more of your story, the 2nd submission just didn't really do it for me.  I think you could definitely liven this up a little...put the reader at that pool when Jack jumped in.  I will say, however, that the dialogue in the ambulance was well written and convincing (as far as Jack's side of the conversation goes) but I find it unlikely that an EMT would be checking for nerve damage and the certainly would not give any indication to the patient that there was a problem.  Their job is to stabilize the patient and make sure they stay stable until they reach the hospital.  Keep up the good work, and although I couldn't quite connect with this scene, I still would like to read more.

          Melissa
          ----- Original Message -----
          Sent: Tuesday, August 05, 2003 3:24 PM
          Subject: [ticket2write] Re: "Lifted" Second Scene (2300 words)

          Hello Torey,

          Glad to see you're dialogue is as fresh as your narrative. The
          dialogue felt real and whipped the story along nicely.

          As a rule (that I'm known to break myself) I don't like the use of
          abbreviations, such as IV and EMT's, but again that's personal.

          Not taking away from your writing style, I was disappointed with the
          turn the story took. How Jack became paralysed was plausible, but not
          very interesting. However, I'm still along for the ride and look
          forward to seeing more.

          Thanks
          Seamus


          --- In ticket2write@yahoogroups.com, "Torey Claiborne Griesman"
          <tgriesman@y...> wrote:
          > Hello Again,
          >
          > Second scene, Jack relaying his story to the prostitute Misti. 
          Sorry
          > about the formatting issues, especially with regards to dialogue. 
          > Again, thanks on any feedback.
          >
          > Torey
          >
          > ****************************************************************
          >
          >
          > Jack had jumped from a rooftop into an above ground pool at his
          > fraternity house when he was a senior in college.  Drunk and
          stoned,
          > his twenty-five foot leap before a group of cheering compatriots
          > landed in the pool, but not enough of it.  His feet and legs
          splashed
          > down on target, but his back whipped across the lip of the plastic
          > pool, head snapping back.  His scared brothers pulled him from the
          > pool, as frantically concerned about the seven kegs of beer and
          > inebriated throng of gaping underage students as about Jack.  The
          > party quickly broke up under the flashing blue and red lights of an
          > ambulance. 
          >
          > Jack regained consciousness with an IV swaying rhythmically over
          his
          > head and two blue-clad emergency technicians staring down at him. 
          He
          > turned to look to either side and could not, realizing his head,
          > neck, and upper torso were encased in a plastic brace, padded with
          > inflatable air chambers.  He could only roll his eyes in either
          > direction.  He felt a pinching sensation in his back, but his
          senses
          > were still buzzed from alcohol and marijuana.  He recognized one of
          > the EMTs from a sports medicine class, and intramural football, he
          > was an underclassman named Jimmy.  Jimmy once mentioned he worked
          the
          > meat wagon for the university hospital.  Funny coincidence.
          >
          > "Heyyyy Jimbo, what's up?"  he said.
          > Jimmy's mouth grimaced in a half smile. "Hi Jack".
          >
          > Jimmy asked him if he knew what day it was, told him to move his
          > fingers, arms, legs, toes, but not to turn his head or sit up. 
          Jack
          > raised his hand, bringing it up his giant plastic wrapped head in a
          > stern salute.
          >
          > "Aye aye Captain Jimbo" said Jack.
          > Jimmy looked relieved to see the motion, but did not laugh, nor
          even
          > smile.  Jack lifted his leg, thought he might try to reach Jimmy's
          > ribs and jab him with his toes.  He was still in damp swim trunks,
          > legs and feet bare.  He reached over with his foot, not able to see
          > down, but guessing where Jimmy's side would be.   He felt air.
          >  
          > "Where are you, you sneaky bastard?" Jack asked.
          > "I'm right here.  Please try to move your leg for us Jack".
          > "I am moving it, gonna kick your ass, dude".
          > "Try again"
          > "What do you mean try? I'm about to make contact with your skinny
          > butt right now!"
          >
          > Jimmy exchanged a quick glance with the other technician.  Jack
          felt
          > a swell of panic in his chest, and his beer-tinged bravado wilted.
          >
          > "Seriously, what's up guys? I'm lifting my leg right now."
          > Jimmy looked down again, Jack's legs were motionless.  Had been
          since
          > they found him.
          >  "OK, thanks Jack, you can put it down again."
          > Jack did, although he could not feel it touch down, he assumed the
          > beer and pot were still working.
          >
          > "Tell me if you feel this" Jimmy said.
          > Jimmy took a pencil from one of the many pockets in his blue
          > jumpsuit, and poked Jack on the sole of his foot, then his knee,
          then
          > thigh.
          > "Feel what?" Jack said.
          > Jimmy's face was a stone, and he continued by poking Jack's hip,
          palm
          > and shoulder.
          > "Yup, yup, yup, now don't give me lead poisoning with that thing,
          > Jimbo."
          > "Jack."
          > "What?"
          > "You didn't feel anything?  Your leg, your foot?"
          > "Nothing, are you going to test that too?"
          > "I already did."
          > "Well do it again, I'm pretty stoned to tell you the truth, if you
          > hadn't noticed"  Jack forced a hollow laugh.
          > Jimmy repeated the test, this time with more pressure.
          > "Are you doing it? Jim?  Is it now?  When is it?" Jack's voice was
          > rising in pitch.
          > "Relax, bud, doesn't mean anything.  We're gonna get you to the
          > hospital ASAP."
          > "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck"
          > "Easy Jack, almost there.  Probably temporary loss of sensation. 
          You
          > ripped quite the cannonball back there, landed on the rim of the
          > pool."
          > "Don't bullshit me Jim, what do you mean temporary, of course it's
          > temporary, right?"
          > "Jack, we'll be there soon, the doctors will sort you out. They
          know
          > this shit cold."
          > "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. Poke me again.  I want to see if it's
          > back.  Fucking poke me again god dammit"
          > "Relax buddy, just relax, almost there".




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