Re: Enemies and Friends 4c - Any critique?
- lol. themo sounds fine.
--- In email@example.com, "asare_adei" <asare_adei@y...>
> Thanks so much for your comments. Your name... quiet a mouthful.between
> Could I call you Themo? I'll consider making the relationship
> Bianca and Morris bud more naturally.of
> --- In firstname.lastname@example.org, "themonotonyofrepetition"
> <SAADI_316@H...> wrote:
> > Hullo,
> > A rather fast paced narrative, in harmony with the demands
> > today. The plot itself seemed nice, but your characters do notseem
> > fleshed out while the story is progressing very rapidly.<asare_adei@y...>
> > Moreover, I agree with the previous critique in that the
> > budding of a relationship between the girl and the Liberian man
> > incredible, if not forced.
> > Having said that, the story seems very interesting.
> > --- In email@example.com, "asare_adei"
> > wrote:and
> > > Hello ALL,
> > > Below is Enemies and Friends 4c. This story means a lot to me
> > > know it has a message for every body; I'd therefore be glad if
> > > could give it a critique to help me do it well. Thanks.
> > > Asare.
> > >
> > >
> > > It was three months to their wedding when she saw Muller in bed
> > with
> > > another woman. Should she walk away as if she didn't see it and
> > then
> > > forget about the marriage, or should she confront her fiancé?
> > > stood listless at the door. He was her first love, and beyondhappened.
> > > both of her parents admired the young man.
> > > Eventually, she turned, banged the door behind her, ignored the
> > loud
> > > voice calling her to stop and ran straight to her car. Her deep
> > blue
> > > eyes blurred with tears as she struggled to insert the key into
> > > lock.
> > > "She's an old friend. She came to visit me. It just
> > I'mthe
> > > sorry. It won't happen again. Forgive me." Muller followed.
> > > Her foot came off the clutch pedal; the car jerked forward,
> > > bouncing her in the driver's seat. She tightened her hold on
> > > wheel and steered off the compound, away from the man thatbefore
> > hadwhen
> > > meant the world to her.
> > > She eased into the main road and sped off like crazy. And
> > theanyone.
> > > wind blew back her hair, she rolled the glasses and pressed
> > > down the accelerator. What did she care?
> > > The speed level shocked Ursuler, when Bianca initiated the
> > > into the house.
> > > "Why this speed, Bianca?" She frowned. "You forgot
> > > "No, Mother." Bianca slammed the car door and locked it
> > hurriedly,
> > > her hands shaking vigorously.
> > > "Is something wrong?"
> > > "Can I be alone, Mom." She swallowed, fought back the tears
> > > was now choking her and scurried into her room.
> > > Three days passed, and Bianca would still not talk to
> > SheShe
> > > lay sprawled, after a warm shower, in her stuffy bed, alone.
> > > would not go out and would not join the parents at table.losing
> > > Why should Muller do this to me? Why? Why? Her face was
> > itsshe
> > > flesh and her cheekbones were already standing out high. She
> > thought
> > > she would die, brokenhearted. Then, she felt she needed fresh
> > > The phone buzz, about the third time that morning, but she
> > ignored
> > > it. It must be Muller, and for once, she thought he could go to
> > hell
> > > for all she cared. She had to be tough; she didn't have to die,
> > > for that bastard, he didn't deserve it, she would survive it,
> > > would.the
> > > Gradually, she was coming to terms with his deception.
> > > Her father had gone out of his way to support Muller
> > in
> > > his Accounting career and was determined to bring him to join
> > > management team of his group of companies upon hisqualification
> > andbreak
> > > subsequent marriage to his daughter.
> > > Now Bianca knew it was all not possible, but not how to
> > thekind
> > > news to her father.
> > > She dragged her lean twenty-five-year figure off the bed,
> > checked
> > > herself out in the mirror and smoothened her hair with her
> > > Then, she picked her bag and stepped out into the open, first
> > in
> > > three days.
> > > Her mother ran up to her. "Where are you going, darling?"
> > > "I just want some fresh air, Mother," she told her.
> > > "Have you taken something? Won't you eat anything?"
> > > "I'm okay."
> > > "Your father is so concerned about you."
> > > "I know. I'll be fine." She slipped into the car.
> > > Her mother blushed. "Please take care."
> > > "I will, Mother." She waved.
> > > It was his back that attracted her. He had a striking height
> > > his thick dreadlocks cascaded upon his back on the white jacket
> > with
> > > thin black strips which he wore over a pair of tight black
> > > He stopped and turned to cross the road; and Bianca saw a
> > ofdarling
> > > face she hadn't seen before all her life broad, with bright
> > > eyes and a complexion that came close to ripe pawpaw fairness.
> > > side burns were trimmed short, but his beard had been left to
> > > into locks too, which he held together in one long twist.
> > > All in all, he was handsome, very handsome; at least Bianca
> > > thought him so. She felt her heart go out to him and shuddered
> > behind
> > > the steering wheel. She pulled by him and looked into his
> > > eyes.ride."
> > > "Where are you going? I could give you a lift," she told him.
> > > "Really! Only wandering around. Certainly, I could use a
> > > "I'm going to the community park for some fresh air."park
> > > "And you want a chat with a dreadlock Blackman?" he smiled.
> > > "Sure. If you have time."
> > > "I do. I have all day."
> > > "Come on, jump in."
> > > "You've got a cute car." He sat beside her.
> > > "Thanks."
> > > He kept her in a lively conversation till she entered the
> > > where they got off the car and went to sit under one of theloser
> > > It was quite peaceful; the green environs added colour to the
> > > pleasure they both shared.
> > > "So you are?" asked Bianca.
> > > "Morris, from Liberia. You?"
> > > "Bianca."
> > > "You have a boyfriend?"
> > > Bianca flashed red, brushing her fingers over her arms, as
> > > spurt into her eyes.
> > > "Are you all right?"
> > > Morris looked her in the eyes striking wet. Then, he drew
> > closer
> > > and placed a hand on her shoulder. Bianca bobbed her head.
> > > "Yes, I'm fine. I lost my boyfriend." She pursed her lips.
> > > "I'd say he rather lost you. You're too pretty to be the
> > inyou."
> > > any relationship."
> > > "I found him cheating on me three days ago. If you wouldn't
> > mind,
> > > I don't want to talk about him right now."
> > > "That's all right. I think I understand. But I want you to
> > > you are such a sweet girl you won't want for love."
> > > "Thanks. You are very nice. I'll want this relationship to
> > > "Great. It'll last, as long as you want it. I'll always be
> > > for you." Morris took her hand.
> > > "Leave her hand, you black bastard. She's mine. You dare not
> > touch
> > > her again," Muller snorted.
> > > "Who are you?"
> > > "You want me to answer that? I don't answer to guys like
> > > "And you don't have any business pestering my life any more.Morris
> > > any more," Bianca snarled.
> > > "We can work this out, Bianca. It won't happen again. I'm
> > > "Leave me alone," she said curtly.
> > > "We must talk. I want to make it up to you." Muller took her
> > hand.
> > > "I asked you to leave me alone. Can't you hear that?" She
> > > away and took Morris' hand. "Let's go."
> > > "You are not going any where until you talk to me." Muller
> > > her again and then turned to Morris, "And you, stay away from
> > I
> > > warn you."
> > > "Stop the empty threat, man. I owe you nothing either,"
> > > dared him.
> > > "You think that's an empty threat, right? How about this?"
> > Muller
> > > drew out a gun. "I warn you, stay away from her!"
- Hello Asare,
First of all, let me say that I found the plot of your story to be
very intriguing. The idea of turning from "Mr. Perfect" and finding
love with a person your character probably wouldn't have even thought
about is always interesting. Maybe that switch could be smoother if
there were hints of some regret in her impending marriage prior to
discovering her fiance in bed with another woman.
I also think that when you get to the dialogue, the pace of your
story really picks up. I would encourage you to tell more of the
story through dialogue rather than narration.
Other than some of the points made by others (the speed of her
romance - whew! It would make me run and hide), I would
suggest "showing" more of the story rather than telling. Early in
the story especially, everything is seen through the narrator. For
example when we are told how thin her face has become, let us see
it. Rather than simply tell us, have her pass a mirror or something
of that sort.
I enjoyed reading your story and hope you continue working on it.
The care and interest that you have in the subject was easy to see.