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Re: fire's light

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  • Brian Maag
    very neat poem. you put some great imagery into a relatively simple form. forgive me for being nitpicky, but i did notice a few points where you broke out of
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 6, 2003
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      very neat poem. you put some great imagery into a relatively simple form. forgive me for being nitpicky, but i did notice a few points where you broke out of the rhythm of "soft ACCENT soft ACCENT soft ACCENT....." etc. i have marked them throughout. besides that, certainly no complaints!

      brian m.

      cheese_chut@...


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      I'll wrap around your blessed skin,
      And squeeze your soul with care,
      It won't hurt, ****************technically correct, but the comma after CARE might be
      The process slow,             better as a period (keep a more even flow)
      My maiden fine and fair.

      Its words sent shivers down my spine,
      I knew I must retreat,
      To save myself ,
      From the misty grip, ***********technically incorrect - soft soft ACCENT soft ACCENT
      My soul refused defeat.

      The grip of blue around my waist,
      Turned red, hot and burned, ***************red and hot are both accents
      It scorched my skin,
      I'd been deceived,
      Its simple songs had turned

      Turned with hate to pierce my heart,
      With venom black and raw,
      I turned to run,
      Against the odds,
      To a distant road I saw. *************To and A are both soft syllables

      The struggle lost, I fell to earth,
      Exhausted, out of breath.
      Its laugh confirmed,
      He thought he'd won,
      His victory, my death.

      I reached for help, there was no hand,
      A tear trailed down my cheek,
      My strength alone,
      Was not enough,
      My body drained and weak.

      The heat was now around my throat
      I cried in great despair,
      No breath to speak.
      No voice to call,
      Being dragged down to its lair. *********BEING is two soft syllables

      My heart cried out a mighty plea,
      My life to spare once more,
      So soft and sure,
      A voice replied,
      "I'll be at the misty shore.**********I'll and BE are both soft syllables

      I'm on the road you saw before,
      My hand is here for you, **********previous line makes me think the speaker is
      When all is lost,                           somewhere else, so shouldn't HERE be THERE?
      Please lean on me,
      Leave the misty, forged blue"********LEAVE and THE are both soft

      I looked toward the road with hope,
      A man was standing there,
      His peace filled eyes,
      His heart so warm,
      His tender life so fair.

      I reached and saw the nail prints there,
      I gasped, His mercy true,
      Me, a sinner, ********************-NER and the following AND are both soft syllables
      And still He hears.
      His gentle work to do.

      To save the souls of those like me,
      Whose lives are tattered, torn.
      With passion sure,
      Caressing light.
      To this end He was born.

      I reached for Him, my hand in His,
      His mighty touch to save,
      My strength renewed,
      My soul released,
      Embraced he claimed, "You're brave."

      He kissed me on the cheek and left,
      Whispering as he went,
      "I love you, child,
      Return to home,
      New hope to you I've lent.

      Come to me in heart and deed,
      This will be your thanks,
      I love you, child,
      Return to me,
      We'll meet on celestial banks." *********ON and CELE- are both soft

      He walked along the road he came,
      Till He was out of sight,
      My heart was full,
      To know his Love,
      All by the fire's light.

      Delta Mae
      2/3/03






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