Re: Chapter 2
- Jesse, I like your advice, but think passive voice should be avoided
whenever possible and especially in the first paragraph. How about...:
Curtis strolled south down ninth Avenue. Females passed him and
gazed a bit too long at his chiseled good looks and easy, sexy smile.
Despite his attractiveness to the opposite sex and his baggy shorts,
loud T shirt, and sneakers, he blended easily into the crowd compared
to Butch; the large...
One more note: I don't think the word 'handsome' goes well with
Curtis' impression and attire at this point. Also, all the above is
only my opinion.
--- In email@example.com, "Jesse <Jesse@t...>"
> I rarely, if ever, directly critique someone's writing on this
> board. However, I like your overall style, but there are a couple
> things which grate at my ear when I am reading your story. Thatwith
> being said, I must add, I struggle with my own writing and anything
> I say may be bad (not grammarically correct). In other words, take
> it with a grain of salt.
> Curtis walked south on Ninth-Avenue. He was a handsome man
> an easy smile. His baggy shorts, sneakers and loud T-shirt did notalone
> stand out nearly as much as Butch, the large german-shepard walking
> beside him.
> He passed several broken-down buildings, most of which had
> outlived their usefulness by decades. Ahead, he saw Mrs. Rubino, a
> feisty Italian woman sixty-nine years young. Mrs. Rubino lived
> on the sixth floor of her walk-up. Her husband, rest his soul, hadcrossed
> died nineteen years ago. Since his death, she had never once
> the street. She shopped in a grocery store around the corner, and
> had not ventured beyond her square block world in all those years.
> She sat on her front steps reading the Daily News and drinking a
> tall glass of iced tea. She looked up as he approached.
> "Morning Ms. Rubino," Curtis said, very polite." How are you
> She greeted him with a weary smile. "Better than yesterday."
> He grinned.
> She fanned her plump frame with her newspaper. "We need some
> rain. I hate this damn humidity."
> "Yeah, me too. But, can't worry about the small stuff, now can
> Her old eyes flicked up and down his body. "Looks to me like
> it's all small stuff."
> He swore she suddenly looked ten years younger. His face
> flushed from the thought. "You're probably right, Mrs. Rubino. I
> have to go now. Stay cool." He tottled his fingers goodbye in a
> flirting manner, then walked on.
> She tottled her fingers back, but he didn't see her. She took
> another sip of her iced tea.
> Scot - The danger of this short rewrite is that I have no real idea
> where this book is going or what the general tone is. More than
> that, I have probably put every one of my own flaws into it. If you
> see anything you like, use it. If you don't, I understand that, too.
I'm enjoying your story. My mind has already jumped
ahead to find out that the rich woman he is meeting
with is his natural mother. I could be wrong, but
that's where the set-up seems to be going. Nothing
wrong with it, just don't expect it to be a surprise
to your readers if that is where you are going.
The only other suggestion I have is to cut some of the
description of minor characters. If Mrs. R appears
again, you can add another line to flesh out her
character. If she doesn't reappear, we don't need to
know her story. Same for the other characters. Just
my personal opinion. I don't like having a lot of
people introduced at one time. Makes it hard to
remember later the details of their story.
Otherwise, I like your story very much!
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Mail Plus - Powerful. Affordable. Sign up now.