WRECK: I Hate the Dutch [part #5]
- wReck thiS meSS ~ Radio Patapoe 97.2 ~ Amsterdam
Ethno-Illogical Psycho-Radiographies: no. 257: I Hate The Dutch
Maandag, 7 Juni 2004 (17.00 to 19.00)
In his brief discussion on this phenomenon, Claude Lévi-Strauss
claims that "musique concrète
may be intoxicated with the illusion that it is saying something; in fact,
it is floundering in non-significance."
The Raw and the Cooked: Introduction to a Society of Mythology,
trans. John and Doreen Weightman
"Dutch jazz is the sound of a scratchy phonograph record"
o bart plantenga, "Beat the Dutch"
Temazcal > Arnold Marinissen 
Sensamaya > Willem Breuker Kollektief 
Little X Plus > Exseption 
I Hate the Dutch > Jona Lewie 
Ascension > Jozef van Wissem & Tetuzi Akimyama 
Imagination > Kristina Fuchs 
The Typewriter > Willem Breuker Kollektief 
Miniature no. 1 > b:lab 
Dutch ejaculation = scraping excess head off a beer
Hold > Kristina Fuchs 
Windows of My Eyes > Cuby & the Blizzaards 
Unshift > 87central 
Bird's Bath > Greetje Bijma 
Presto > Jaap Blonk 
Dutch orgasm = electroshock therapy
I Hate the Dutch > Jona Lewie 
Solitude Sample > Robert van Heuman 
A Magic Square of 5 to Listen To > Paul Panhuysen 
Blossom > Greetje Bijma 
Ich Fang den Tag mit einem Jodler An > Jopie Vogelvang 
The Sad Shepherd / Lines of Loneliness > Greetje Bijma 
A Magic Square of 5 to Listen To > Paul Panhuysen 
Dutch fellatio = vacuum cleaner
Cirkels / Windmills of My Mind > Herman van Veen 
Sit Down Listen > Greetje Bijma 
Intro Jam / Chilled > Junkie XL 
Diplopia > Jozef van Wissem & Gary Lucas 
Casio > Junkie XL 
Dutch intellectual = a barking dog on a short leash in a small backyard
The Mirror Stage > Jozef van Wissem & Gary Lucas 
Mad Man Blues > Houtkamp's POW3 
A Nice Cup of Tea > Greetje Bijma 
I Hate the Dutch > Jona Lewie 
Chanson du Matin > Arnold Marinissen 
Dutch summer = August 1 - August 2
 "Traces of Cultures" on BVHaast <bvhaast@...>, the label
created by Willem Breuker to encourage new music composition. This is
an intriguing syncretic disc of world music sounds and new classical
and electro-acoustic compositions with an emphasis on percussion.
Anthropology meets a guy at the controls. Great disc.
 "With Strings Attached" on BVHaast <www.bvhaast.nl>. WB has this
kinetic, impatient and humorous approach to jazz and interpretation.
Here fully expressive in explosive and whimsical bursts WBK
inventively interprets Gershwin, Scandinavian Alfred Janson, Satie,
and here American popular music composer, Leroy Anderson, who did PDQ
Bach meets Raymond Scott type of witty composing. Recommended even if
some of the edge has been polished off his cutting side.
 "Exseption" on Philips vinyl. Sounding like the Animals and
looking like just about every 60s hippie band C&B included the soon
to be juicer genius and mentor of Nina Hagen, the multi-talented and
loveable Herman Brood who jumped off the Amsterdam Hilton [location
of the Ono-Lennon Sleep-In] on my birthday in 2002.
 "I Hate the Dutch" John Dowie [1977, EP "Another Close Shave"].
[Lalalala - Dick van Dyke]
I'm a British Tourist and I'm very, very rude.
I hate the stinking foreigners
hate their stinking food
I don't like French or Germans
I don't care for Belgians much
But worst of all worst of all
I hate the Dutch
The Dutch, the Dutch
I hate them worse than dogs.
They live in windmills
and mince around in clogs.
They don't have any manners
They don't say 'thanks' or 'please'
all they eat is tulips
and stinking gouda cheese...
I'm a British tourist with a countenance severe
I love to strike the foreign type
And box their poxied ears
But there's one woggy dago
I cannot bear to touch
The slimy crawling
snotty grotty Dutch
The Dutch are mad
Their fingers stuck in dikes
They use the wrong side of the road
And ride around on bikes
They don't have any manners,
don't have any brains.
There's only one race worse than them
and that's... THE DANES!
JOHN DOWIE, Born in Birmingham in 1950. Wildly humorous poet, song
sketcher and on-stage comedy antics. Form comedy/rock band Mr John
Dowie & The Big Girl's Blouse in mid-70s. Perform ear-splitting gigs
in Britain and abroad, Release e.p. on Virgin Records, Another Close
Shave, six tracks including British Tourist (I Hate The Dutch).
Release Acne, Idiot, Hitler's Liver on Factory Record's debut A
Factory Sampler. Still at it. VERY underrated.
 "Proletarian Drift" on BVHaast < www.bvhaast.nl >. Not as
engaging as his work with Gary Lucas which reaaly had some thump and
kinetics. This has its moments but I prefer his solo work or the
 "Whence & Wither" on EWM <www.ewm-music.com>
<info@...>. Working in a modern way with what she may have
gathered from Anita O'Day, Blossom Dearie, Carmen McCrae and June
London as well as some passes at Astrid Gilberto, she surpasses them
all in the breadth of her fun yet enchanting repertoire plus she
manages to evoke the glories of mountainous terrain in a jazzy way. I
met her through soundmaker Justin Bennett and she did a great job of
yodeling at the Amsterdam book launch of my Yodel-Ay-Ee-Oooo. Then
also handled the yodeling on my appearance on the - surprising to me
- popular late night talk/variety show on Dutch TV called
"Vara-Laat". KF was on hand at the Erika Stucky gig at the venerable
Bimhuis [may 13]. KF has received accolades we thought could only be
applied to Diane Kral. She is every bit her equal.
 "N Collective: News from Holland - vol. 1" onX-Or
<www.xs4all.nl/~xorluc>. The mental plane is surveyed, the brain pan
is emptied, the lobotomy is not wholly successful. Serrated edge
sounds that skirt and rip around the definitions of music.
Sonographic topographs across a parking lot of an abandoned shopping
 Rockin' stuff from a band from which Herman Brood was to emerge
like an amphetamine-heroin doused phoenix.
 "Sit Down Listen" on BVHaast < www.bvhaast.nl >. On the title
cut she shifts effortlessly swaying between continents, sounding like
Yma Sumac, Indian Bollywood vocals, Tuvan, some yodeling activity.
Great stuff but where are the newest ululations?
 "Ursonate" on Basta <www.bastamusic.com> <info@...>. This
consists of 2 versions of the Schwitters composition, one recorded in
1986 [Amsterdam] and the 2nd in 2003 in a chapel in Breda. Kurt
Schwitters was a loner Dadaist after being rejected by the Berlin
Dadaists. Maybe they were right to do so because he eventually
created 2 masterpieces [contrary to Dada principle] Merzbow and
Ursonate. The Dadaists were right [maybe not first, however] to show
that logic and reason and clear-headed thinking did NOT lead to
enlightenment but instead led lockstep to war and ingeniously
efficient methods of oppression. Schwitters fled the Nazis in 1937
and ended up in Norway where he died in 1948. The Ursonate is set up
as a classical 4-movement symphony although the result was a
provocation of poetic expectation: audiences could not get around the
fact that he was not saying anything profound. The Ursonate was open
to interpretation based on specific and general notes left behind by
Schwitters. Blonk is a natural heir to the Dadaists as he grew up in
the exact sciences and worked in hierarchical office organizational
systems. This verbal break out was like a man finding consciousness
as improvisation led to satisfaction. Since 1979 he has learned the
Ursonate by heart and has performed it on record twice. Both are
included here. His early recitations meant [Dadaistically] performing
in the Amsterdam zoo, on the street, in malls, train stations,
pastures, the office of the insurance company where he was employed
and eventually taking in bars and cafes and readings. The Ursonate is
an incredibly powerful paean to the joys of heady and irrational
ululations - and there are some yodeling gestures in his section 4
Presto of the newer version. This is not as odd as it seems - the
Dadists seemed quite at home with the absurd powers of yodeling [see
 "A Magic Square of 5 To Look At" on Plinkety Plonk
<www.beequeen.nl/plink.htm>. Liner notes: "A magic square is a series
of numbers arranged in a square grid so, that the sum of each
horizontal and vertical row of the corner diagonals is always the
same. Magic squares reveal harmony of number and refer to the nature
of existence and cosmic order dominated by mathematical regularity."
Not rock and roll, then. One of the more interesting
 "Muzikale Bloemengroet voor U" on Cawa <sascha@...>. She
has the lungs and the charm to be the heir to the trhown left empty
by the passing of Olga Lowina. Charming retro-yodel numbers that are
more fun the more they veer into kitsch and camp and fake folk. She
is loads of fun live.
 "Alles" on Polydor vinyl. HvV is like some hippie version of Mancini.
 "Diplopia" BVHaast < www.bvhaast.nl >. This ls rockin' music
from the 17th-century. A strange dynamic that is very effective in
bridging the 3-something centuries between now and then.
 "The Thirteen Bar Blues" on X-Or <www.xs4all.nl/~xorluc>
<xorluc@...>. If androids fell to earth and tried to unravel
the mystery of the simple depths of the blues it would probably sound
a little like this. In an attempt to use the computer to find the
essential form of the blues and then play with it, Houtkamp's Pow3
have created an interesting tension between soul and machine,
investigation and improv whereby the musicians interact with computer
generated blues riffs and the machines begin to assume an autonomy to
the point where they may very likely be making their own blues music
without the interference of human beings. One of my Top 30 Best of
the current Dutch government is looking to make a mess of everything
that makes NL an exceptional place to live, a place that most
Americans, look on in envy, always noting how much further ahead of
the US 'we' are. That is coming to a grinding hault as the
christian-capitalist party seeks to dismantle everything public and
functioning relatively well for the average person such as the
privatisation of the airwaves, the railroads the disasters coming
can be easily predicted if one takes a look at the privatised British
railways worse service, more dangerous at higher cost, while costs
for water [also privatised] in UK have gone up dramatically while
functionality has decreased The mantra is choice here and
everywhere. People don't want more choice they want more and better
service. And everywhere the few stockholders and CEOs are laughing at
the expense of the masses.
And yet, a recent UN survey of kids 11-15 in 30 countries revealed
Dutch kids the happiest and generally most satisfied with life as it
is. The US finished in 23rd place. Meanwhile NL rated #5 in the UN
Human Development Report for 2004 an index that factors in life
expectancy, GDP, literacy, education enrolment [99%] It finished
behind Norway, Sweden, Australia, and Canada. The US finished 8th
because altho it had a higher avg income than anyone except the
Norwegians, it also finished low in life expectancy and enrolment in
BEAT THE DUTCH NOW! [an excerpt]
by bart plantenga
None other than in the Original Roget's Thesaurus under entry number
517, unintelligibilty, subheading insanity, does one read "double
Dutch." Through much of the existence of any kind of Dutch state
(unconscious or otherwise) - at least from the Middle Ages through
the middle of the 19th century - The Dutch have been portrayed as
possessors of a slothful, inebriated, indulgent, slime-dwelling,
pagan, and irresponsible nature, with "dunghill soul(s)" as Andrew
Marvell fulmigated, with either a bovine or swinish physique thrown
in. In fact, the word "Dutch" itself became "an epithet of
inferiority." Teddy Roosevelt, his own past rooted in the Dutch
province of Zeeland, complained that "anything foreign and
un-English" came to be called Dutch. Why even Dutch elm disease is
often perceived as having a Dutch cause when, in fact, it was
actually meant as an international scientific tribute to honor the
excellent Dutch research which led to a solution to this disease.
In general surveys produced in southern countries such as France and
Italy, the Dutch are often seen as phlegmatic, cool, without emotion.
Many writers from other lands have cast their aspersions every which
way and often at the Dutch. Simone de Beauvoir was vexed by the
living-dead calm of a Dutchman facing great strife. The Italian
writer, Luigi Barzini thought the Dutch were unimaginative and
slow-thinking. Montesquieu portrayed them as money-hungry
pennypinchers. Schopenhauer's mother complained about the endless
tollbooths along the roads and waterways. Kant considered them
unspiritual. Others concur, insisting that their only spirituality is
order and that their only bibles comprise of accounting ledgers. The
Portuguese writer, Rentes de Carvalho saw the Dutch as having a good
life that they did not know how to enjoy. The French put forth their
own colonial invective: Voltaire summed up the Dutch simply as
"canards, canaux, canaille" or "ducks, canals, rascals." Napoleon
meanwhile adjudged the Dutch as "a stupid people." While in 1830,
the Frenchman, Lepeintre noted: "The Dutch are half-baked without
fire, melancholy, and stale." Denis Diderot spent an entire book
musing about Dutch drink, chicks and the inferiority of the Dutch
then calling it journalism: "The fact that Holland has no sculptors
is because the Dutch have no taste." Another French writer, Asselin
in 1921 noted how reasonable, forthright, unliterary. and without
irony the Dutch seem. By obsessing over details the Dutch seldom see
the greater whole. And many, many foreign observers have observed
that the Dutch drink too much. One French student studying in
17th-century Leiden, noted that even the drinking was controlled by
ceremony, rules, and discipline. Italians have long marvelled in
sickly awe at how much the Dutch supposedly ate. Americans think the
Dutch smoke too much.
The chief slime-hurling slanderers were those who felt most
threatened by this spunky splatter of muddy land. The Spanish, French
and English all took turns in the 16th through 18th centuries doing
battle with the Dutch. Holland was seen with an attitude of
contemptuous respect, begrudging admiration or befuddled irritation.
A wonder and scourge among nations - economically successful because
they were irreligious and greedy. The Dutch were best tolerated if
they affected the lowly characters they'd been cast in by their
enemies. As Simon Schama notes, "Netherlanders then were tolerated so
long as they cut poor figures - comical in their aspirations to
higher things but consumed by their lust for gain." Schama further
contends convincingly that the Dutch aroused rancor only when their
behavior began to subvert "the consoling cliché of meanness." Schama
further heads out on the limb of a Dutch elm when he contends that
the rest of Europe was projecting its own anxieties onto the Dutch
and that the "Dutch were made the whipping boys for tender European
consciences, disturbed by their own growing fixation with hard cash."
And that there "was something more phobic about the vocabulary of
abuse against the Dutch than seems warranted by the calculations of
commercial calculation." Let us look at some of these reasons based
in opportunistic unreasonableness. Because the most ironic of these
accusations was that the Dutch were not playing fair when they
refused to act as unreasonable, chauvinistic, royal, elite, ruthless
and unforgiving as their foaming foes. Holland was characterized as
an ungrateful "crazy, sickly province ..." despised because it had
altered the rules of war and the tenor of diplomacy.
But it is clearly the English who have, since the 16th century,
distinguished themselves as the most accomplished and prolific of the
disparagers, slanderers, and wielders of poison pens. They took the
hearsay, gossip, and racial slurs to heart and mind and crafted it
into economic policy. Anxiety-based slurs became propaganda became
policy which led to wars. Their preoccupations with the bodily
functions and foibles of the Dutch seem to mimic the same ones they
apply to their other natural neighbor and cultural enemy, the
Scottish and Irish. And with the emerging preeminence of English as
the world's common language the slurs were to become ever more
greatly magnified and indelibly printed upon the collective mindset
of the English-speaking world.
The aspersions dealt with everything from body to soul. They hyped up
the perception of heavy, bulky, corpulent body types as a clear sign
of Dutch inferiority. Ironically today, the Dutch appear much the
opposite - now tall and lanky - and it is the English who are often
identified as such with their unhealthy and unmodern diets. William
Temple, British diplomat and general spiritual dyspeptic, in any
case, described the Dutch in the heat of one of the English-Dutch
Wars as "naturally cold and heavy." Diderot, meanwhile spent much of
his time painfully wondering if he was attracted to Dutch women, all
his lustings disguised as philosophical musings: "Dutch women are
pretty," he observes at first, "so far as one can be pretty with an
enormous bosom and ditto for the backside." Later, after kicking
himself for not following up on an opportunity to meet a young Dutch
meisje, he pouts childishly: "They are very stout, have ugly teeth
and flabby skin just like in the paintings of Rubens." More
recently, comedian Alan Coren described how "the Dutch fall into 2
quite distinct physical types: the small, corpulent, red-faced Edams,
and the thinner, paler, larger Goudas..." "You will find Dutch men
and women and animals fat." Diderot continued. But fairly
contemporary times are not immune either. Take Ronald Reagan, for
instance. In her biography of the young Reagan, Anne Edwards writes:
"Jack [Reagan's father] continued to brag about his 'fat little
Dutchman' (a term chosen because of the child's robust appearance)
and so 'Dutch' was what the child was nicknamed and most often
called." This, despite the fact that Reagan had no Dutch ancestors!
While no more a revered class guy than Shakespeare himself often
chose the "swag-bellied Hollander" to lampoon in his Comedy of Errors:
- "Where stood Belgia, the Netherlands?
- Oh sir, I did not look so low."
This English pasttime of Dutch-bashing (which of course, very
accurately identifies their own island-mentality insecurities and
self-styled jingo-isolationism) was lovingly passed along like a
verbal pestilence in the early settlement days of the mid-17th
century to a wide variety of North Americans from Washington Irving,
who portrayed the Dutch as obese, gluttonous, and lethargic; to Henry
Miller, who in one of his crankier and less priapic books, Aller
Retour New York, observed, "You mustn't get the impression ... that
the Dutch are lacking in intelligence. On the contrary, I should say
they are very intelligent, even more so than the seal or the otter."
Even the auto-pugilistic comedy team, The 3 Stooges, whose television
antics were my early source of English, got into the act in their
Beer Barrel Polecats where out of nowhere (most likely Vaudeville)
Larry asks the other two Stooges, "How 'bout some Dutch lunch?"
"What's 'at?" Curly asks.
"Burnt toast and a rotten egg."
With typical Dutch punctuality, this playlist is 2 months late...
Meanwhile, as we rebuild our studios and upgrade our hardware and get
geared up for the fall we are temporarily not broadcasting in the
ether. PTP will be back leaner and meaner in no time.
Send all sound material for airplay and review to:
Wreck This MeSS
Radio 100 / Radio Patapoe
Zeilstraat 23 / II
1075 SB Amsterdam
o 2000± READERS-EYEBALL "LISTENERS" per WEEK*
o "plus another few hundred when it hits the BSI list!" Ezra
o Old playlists archived at <http://www.wfmu.org/~bart/>
o Selected Playlists at http://www.romanapoli.com/black/wreckthismess.html
o Soon, the unveiling of new juggernaut: <http://wreckthismess.com/>
courtesy of Pavement Tulip, a genius stuck in the body of a Polish
skier in Brooklyn's inner denouement.
SDI > SELF DESTRUCTION INSURED >
CONTACT ninplant@... FOR REMOVAL
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