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WRECK: I Hate the Dutch [part #5]

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  • ninplant@xs4all.nl
    wReck thiS meSS ~ Radio Patapoe 97.2 ~ Amsterdam Ethno-Illogical Psycho-Radiographies: no. 257: I Hate The Dutch Maandag, 7 Juni 2004 (17.00 to 19.00) In his
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 6, 2004
      wReck thiS meSS ~ Radio Patapoe 97.2 ~ Amsterdam

      Ethno-Illogical Psycho-Radiographies: no. 257: I Hate The Dutch

      Maandag, 7 Juni 2004 (17.00 to 19.00)

      In his brief discussion on this phenomenon, Claude Lévi-Strauss
      claims that "musique concrète
      may be intoxicated with the illusion that it is saying something; in fact,
      it is floundering in non-significance."
      The Raw and the Cooked: Introduction to a Society of Mythology,
      trans. John and Doreen Weightman

      "Dutch jazz is the sound of a scratchy phonograph record"
      o bart plantenga, "Beat the Dutch"

      Temazcal > Arnold Marinissen [1]
      Sensamaya > Willem Breuker Kollektief [2]
      Little X Plus > Exseption [3]
      I Hate the Dutch > Jona Lewie [4]
      Ascension > Jozef van Wissem & Tetuzi Akimyama [5]
      Imagination > Kristina Fuchs [6]
      The Typewriter > Willem Breuker Kollektief [2]
      Miniature no. 1 > b:lab [7]

      Dutch ejaculation = scraping excess head off a beer

      Hold > Kristina Fuchs [6]
      Windows of My Eyes > Cuby & the Blizzaards [8]
      Unshift > 87central [7]
      Bird's Bath > Greetje Bijma [9]
      Presto > Jaap Blonk [10]

      Dutch orgasm = electroshock therapy

      I Hate the Dutch > Jona Lewie [4]
      Solitude Sample > Robert van Heuman [7]
      A Magic Square of 5 to Listen To > Paul Panhuysen [11]
      Blossom > Greetje Bijma [9]
      Ich Fang den Tag mit einem Jodler An > Jopie Vogelvang [12]
      The Sad Shepherd / Lines of Loneliness > Greetje Bijma [9]
      A Magic Square of 5 to Listen To > Paul Panhuysen [11]

      Dutch fellatio = vacuum cleaner

      Cirkels / Windmills of My Mind > Herman van Veen [13]
      Sit Down Listen Š > Greetje Bijma [9]
      Intro Jam / Chilled > Junkie XL [14]
      Diplopia > Jozef van Wissem & Gary Lucas [14]
      Casio > Junkie XL [14]

      Dutch intellectual = a barking dog on a short leash in a small backyard

      The Mirror Stage > Jozef van Wissem & Gary Lucas [14]
      Mad Man Blues > Houtkamp's POW3 [15]
      A Nice Cup of Tea > Greetje Bijma [9]
      I Hate the Dutch > Jona Lewie [4]
      Chanson du Matin > Arnold Marinissen [1]

      Dutch summer = August 1 - August 2


      [1] "Traces of Cultures" on BVHaast <bvhaast@...>, the label
      created by Willem Breuker to encourage new music composition. This is
      an intriguing syncretic disc of world music sounds and new classical
      and electro-acoustic compositions with an emphasis on percussion.
      Anthropology meets a guy at the controls. Great disc.

      [2] "With Strings Attached" on BVHaast <www.bvhaast.nl>. WB has this
      kinetic, impatient and humorous approach to jazz and interpretation.
      Here fully expressive in explosive and whimsical bursts WBK
      inventively interprets Gershwin, Scandinavian Alfred Janson, Satie,
      and here American popular music composer, Leroy Anderson, who did PDQ
      Bach meets Raymond Scott type of witty composing. Recommended even if
      some of the edge has been polished off his cutting side.

      [3] "Exseption" on Philips vinyl. Sounding like the Animals and
      looking like just about every 60s hippie band C&B included the soon
      to be juicer genius and mentor of Nina Hagen, the multi-talented and
      loveable Herman Brood who jumped off the Amsterdam Hilton [location
      of the Ono-Lennon Sleep-In] on my birthday in 2002.

      [4] "I Hate the Dutch" John Dowie [1977, EP "Another Close Shave"].

      [Lalalala - Dick van Dyke]
      I'm a British Tourist and I'm very, very rude.
      I hate the stinking foreigners
      hate their stinking food

      I don't like French or Germans
      I don't care for Belgians much
      But worst of all worst of all
      I hate the Dutch

      The Dutch, the Dutch
      I hate them worse than dogs.
      They live in windmills
      and mince around in clogs.

      They don't have any manners
      They don't say 'thanks' or 'please'
      all they eat is tulips
      and stinking gouda cheese...

      I'm a British tourist with a countenance severe
      I love to strike the foreign type
      And box their poxied ears

      But there's one woggy dago
      I cannot bear to touch
      The slimy crawling
      stench appalling
      snotty grotty Dutch

      The Dutch are mad
      Their fingers stuck in dikes
      They use the wrong side of the road
      And ride around on bikes

      They don't have any manners,
      don't have any brains.
      There's only one race worse than them
      and that's... THE DANES!

      JOHN DOWIE, Born in Birmingham in 1950. Wildly humorous poet, song
      sketcher and on-stage comedy antics. Form comedy/rock band Mr John
      Dowie & The Big Girl's Blouse in mid-70s. Perform ear-splitting gigs
      in Britain and abroad, Release e.p. on Virgin Records, Another Close
      Shave, six tracks including British Tourist (I Hate The Dutch).
      Release Acne, Idiot, Hitler's Liver on Factory Record's debut A
      Factory Sampler. Still at it. VERY underrated.

      [5] "Proletarian Drift" on BVHaast < www.bvhaast.nl >. Not as
      engaging as his work with Gary Lucas which reaaly had some thump and
      kinetics. This has its moments but I prefer his solo work or the
      Lucas collaboration.

      [6] "Whence & Wither" on EWM <www.ewm-music.com>
      <info@...>. Working in a modern way with what she may have
      gathered from Anita O'Day, Blossom Dearie, Carmen McCrae and June
      London as well as some passes at Astrid Gilberto, she surpasses them
      all in the breadth of her fun yet enchanting repertoire plus she
      manages to evoke the glories of mountainous terrain in a jazzy way. I
      met her through soundmaker Justin Bennett and she did a great job of
      yodeling at the Amsterdam book launch of my Yodel-Ay-Ee-Oooo. Then
      also handled the yodeling on my appearance on the - surprising to me
      - popular late night talk/variety show on Dutch TV called
      "Vara-Laat". KF was on hand at the Erika Stucky gig at the venerable
      Bimhuis [may 13]. KF has received accolades we thought could only be
      applied to Diane Kral. She is every bit her equal.

      [7] "N Collective: News from Holland - vol. 1" onX-Or
      <www.xs4all.nl/~xorluc>. The mental plane is surveyed, the brain pan
      is emptied, the lobotomy is not wholly successful. Serrated edge
      sounds that skirt and rip around the definitions of music.
      Sonographic topographs across a parking lot of an abandoned shopping

      [8] Rockin' stuff from a band from which Herman Brood was to emerge
      like an amphetamine-heroin doused phoenix.

      [9] "Sit Down ListenŠ" on BVHaast < www.bvhaast.nl >. On the title
      cut she shifts effortlessly swaying between continents, sounding like
      Yma Sumac, Indian Bollywood vocals, Tuvan, some yodeling activity.
      Great stuff but where are the newest ululations?

      [10] "Ursonate" on Basta <www.bastamusic.com> <info@...>. This
      consists of 2 versions of the Schwitters composition, one recorded in
      1986 [Amsterdam] and the 2nd in 2003 in a chapel in Breda. Kurt
      Schwitters was a loner Dadaist after being rejected by the Berlin
      Dadaists. Maybe they were right to do so because he eventually
      created 2 masterpieces [contrary to Dada principle] Merzbow and
      Ursonate. The Dadaists were right [maybe not first, however] to show
      that logic and reason and clear-headed thinking did NOT lead to
      enlightenment but instead led lockstep to war and ingeniously
      efficient methods of oppression. Schwitters fled the Nazis in 1937
      and ended up in Norway where he died in 1948. The Ursonate is set up
      as a classical 4-movement symphony although the result was a
      provocation of poetic expectation: audiences could not get around the
      fact that he was not saying anything profound. The Ursonate was open
      to interpretation based on specific and general notes left behind by
      Schwitters. Blonk is a natural heir to the Dadaists as he grew up in
      the exact sciences and worked in hierarchical office organizational
      systems. This verbal break out was like a man finding consciousness
      as improvisation led to satisfaction. Since 1979 he has learned the
      Ursonate by heart and has performed it on record twice. Both are
      included here. His early recitations meant [Dadaistically] performing
      in the Amsterdam zoo, on the street, in malls, train stations,
      pastures, the office of the insurance company where he was employed
      and eventually taking in bars and cafes and readings. The Ursonate is
      an incredibly powerful paean to the joys of heady and irrational
      ululations - and there are some yodeling gestures in his section 4
      Presto of the newer version. This is not as odd as it seems - the
      Dadists seemed quite at home with the absurd powers of yodelingŠ [see
      WTM #255]

      [11] "A Magic Square of 5 To Look At" on Plinkety Plonk
      <www.beequeen.nl/plink.htm>. Liner notes: "A magic square is a series
      of numbers arranged in a square grid so, that the sum of each
      horizontal and vertical row of the corner diagonals is always the
      same. Magic squares reveal harmony of number and refer to the nature
      of existence and cosmic order dominated by mathematical regularity."
      Not rock and roll, then. One of the more interesting

      [12] "Muzikale Bloemengroet voor U" on Cawa <sascha@...>. She
      has the lungs and the charm to be the heir to the trhown left empty
      by the passing of Olga Lowina. Charming retro-yodel numbers that are
      more fun the more they veer into kitsch and camp and fake folk. She
      is loads of fun live.

      [13] "Alles" on Polydor vinyl. HvV is like some hippie version of Mancini.

      [14] "Diplopia" BVHaast < www.bvhaast.nl >. This ls rockin' music
      from the 17th-century. A strange dynamic that is very effective in
      bridging the 3-something centuries between now and then.

      [15] "The Thirteen Bar Blues" on X-Or <www.xs4all.nl/~xorluc>
      <xorluc@...>. If androids fell to earth and tried to unravel
      the mystery of the simple depths of the blues it would probably sound
      a little like this. In an attempt to use the computer to find the
      essential form of the blues and then play with it, Houtkamp's Pow3
      have created an interesting tension between soul and machine,
      investigation and improv whereby the musicians interact with computer
      generated blues riffs and the machines begin to assume an autonomy to
      the point where they may very likely be making their own blues music
      without the interference of human beings. One of my Top 30 Best of


      the current Dutch government is looking to make a mess of everything
      that makes NL an exceptional place to live, a place that most
      Americans, look on in envy, always noting how much further ahead of
      the US 'we' are. That is coming to a grinding hault as the
      christian-capitalist party seeks to dismantle everything public and
      functioning relatively well for the average person such as the
      privatisation of the airwaves, the railroadsŠ the disasters coming
      can be easily predicted if one takes a look at the privatised British
      railways worse service, more dangerous at higher cost, while costs
      for water [also privatised] in UK have gone up dramatically while
      functionality has decreasedŠ The mantra is choice here and
      everywhere. People don't want more choice they want more and better
      service. And everywhere the few stockholders and CEOs are laughing at
      the expense of the masses.

      And yet, a recent UN survey of kids 11-15 in 30 countries revealed
      Dutch kids the happiest and generally most satisfied with life as it
      is. The US finished in 23rd place. Meanwhile NL rated #5 in the UN
      Human Development Report for 2004 an index that factors in life
      expectancy, GDP, literacy, education enrolment [99%] Š It finished
      behind Norway, Sweden, Australia, and Canada. The US finished 8th
      because altho it had a higher avg income than anyone except the
      Norwegians, it also finished low in life expectancy and enrolment in
      education 92%Š


      BEAT THE DUTCH NOW! [an excerpt]

      by bart plantenga

      None other than in the Original Roget's Thesaurus under entry number
      517, unintelligibilty, subheading insanity, does one read "double
      Dutch." Through much of the existence of any kind of Dutch state
      (unconscious or otherwise) - at least from the Middle Ages through
      the middle of the 19th century - The Dutch have been portrayed as
      possessors of a slothful, inebriated, indulgent, slime-dwelling,
      pagan, and irresponsible nature, with "dunghill soul(s)" as Andrew
      Marvell fulmigated, with either a bovine or swinish physique thrown
      in. In fact, the word "Dutch" itself became "an epithet of
      inferiority." Teddy Roosevelt, his own past rooted in the Dutch
      province of Zeeland, complained that "anything foreign and
      un-English" came to be called Dutch. Why even Dutch elm disease is
      often perceived as having a Dutch cause when, in fact, it was
      actually meant as an international scientific tribute to honor the
      excellent Dutch research which led to a solution to this disease.

      In general surveys produced in southern countries such as France and
      Italy, the Dutch are often seen as phlegmatic, cool, without emotion.
      Many writers from other lands have cast their aspersions every which
      way and often at the Dutch. Simone de Beauvoir was vexed by the
      living-dead calm of a Dutchman facing great strife. The Italian
      writer, Luigi Barzini thought the Dutch were unimaginative and
      slow-thinking. Montesquieu portrayed them as money-hungry
      pennypinchers. Schopenhauer's mother complained about the endless
      tollbooths along the roads and waterways. Kant considered them
      unspiritual. Others concur, insisting that their only spirituality is
      order and that their only bibles comprise of accounting ledgers. The
      Portuguese writer, Rentes de Carvalho saw the Dutch as having a good
      life that they did not know how to enjoy. The French put forth their
      own colonial invective: Voltaire summed up the Dutch simply as
      "canards, canaux, canaille" or "ducks, canals, rascals." Napoleon
      meanwhile adjudged the Dutch as "a stupid people." While in 1830,
      the Frenchman, Lepeintre noted: "The Dutch are half-baked without
      fire, melancholy, and stale." Denis Diderot spent an entire book
      musing about Dutch drink, chicks and the inferiority of the Dutch
      then calling it journalism: "The fact that Holland has no sculptors
      is because the Dutch have no taste." Another French writer, Asselin
      in 1921 noted how reasonable, forthright, unliterary. and without
      irony the Dutch seem. By obsessing over details the Dutch seldom see
      the greater whole. And many, many foreign observers have observed
      that the Dutch drink too much. One French student studying in
      17th-century Leiden, noted that even the drinking was controlled by
      ceremony, rules, and discipline. Italians have long marvelled in
      sickly awe at how much the Dutch supposedly ate. Americans think the
      Dutch smoke too muchŠ.

      The chief slime-hurling slanderers were those who felt most
      threatened by this spunky splatter of muddy land. The Spanish, French
      and English all took turns in the 16th through 18th centuries doing
      battle with the Dutch. Holland was seen with an attitude of
      contemptuous respect, begrudging admiration or befuddled irritation.
      A wonder and scourge among nations - economically successful because
      they were irreligious and greedy. The Dutch were best tolerated if
      they affected the lowly characters they'd been cast in by their
      enemies. As Simon Schama notes, "Netherlanders then were tolerated so
      long as they cut poor figures - comical in their aspirations to
      higher things but consumed by their lust for gain." Schama further
      contends convincingly that the Dutch aroused rancor only when their
      behavior began to subvert "the consoling cliché of meanness." Schama
      further heads out on the limb of a Dutch elm when he contends that
      the rest of Europe was projecting its own anxieties onto the Dutch
      and that the "Dutch were made the whipping boys for tender European
      consciences, disturbed by their own growing fixation with hard cash."
      And that there "was something more phobic about the vocabulary of
      abuse against the Dutch than seems warranted by the calculations of
      commercial calculation." Let us look at some of these reasons based
      in opportunistic unreasonableness. Because the most ironic of these
      accusations was that the Dutch were not playing fair when they
      refused to act as unreasonable, chauvinistic, royal, elite, ruthless
      and unforgiving as their foaming foes. Holland was characterized as
      an ungrateful "crazy, sickly province ..." despised because it had
      altered the rules of war and the tenor of diplomacy.

      But it is clearly the English who have, since the 16th century,
      distinguished themselves as the most accomplished and prolific of the
      disparagers, slanderers, and wielders of poison pens. They took the
      hearsay, gossip, and racial slurs to heart and mind and crafted it
      into economic policy. Anxiety-based slurs became propaganda became
      policy which led to wars. Their preoccupations with the bodily
      functions and foibles of the Dutch seem to mimic the same ones they
      apply to their other natural neighbor and cultural enemy, the
      Scottish and Irish. And with the emerging preeminence of English as
      the world's common language the slurs were to become ever more
      greatly magnified and indelibly printed upon the collective mindset
      of the English-speaking world.

      The aspersions dealt with everything from body to soul. They hyped up
      the perception of heavy, bulky, corpulent body types as a clear sign
      of Dutch inferiority. Ironically today, the Dutch appear much the
      opposite - now tall and lanky - and it is the English who are often
      identified as such with their unhealthy and unmodern diets. William
      Temple, British diplomat and general spiritual dyspeptic, in any
      case, described the Dutch in the heat of one of the English-Dutch
      Wars as "naturally cold and heavy." Diderot, meanwhile spent much of
      his time painfully wondering if he was attracted to Dutch women, all
      his lustings disguised as philosophical musings: "Dutch women are
      pretty," he observes at first, "so far as one can be pretty with an
      enormous bosom and ditto for the backside." Later, after kicking
      himself for not following up on an opportunity to meet a young Dutch
      meisje, he pouts childishly: "They are very stout, have ugly teeth
      and flabby skin just like in the paintings of Rubens." More
      recently, comedian Alan Coren described how "the Dutch fall into 2
      quite distinct physical types: the small, corpulent, red-faced Edams,
      and the thinner, paler, larger Goudas..." "You will find Dutch men
      and women and animals fat." Diderot continued. But fairly
      contemporary times are not immune either. Take Ronald Reagan, for
      instance. In her biography of the young Reagan, Anne Edwards writes:
      "Jack [Reagan's father] continued to brag about his 'fat little
      Dutchman' (a term chosen because of the child's robust appearance)
      and so 'Dutch' was what the child was nicknamed and most often
      called." This, despite the fact that Reagan had no Dutch ancestors!

      While no more a revered class guy than Shakespeare himself often
      chose the "swag-bellied Hollander" to lampoon in his Comedy of Errors:
      - "Where stood Belgia, the Netherlands?
      - Oh sir, I did not look so low."Š

      This English pasttime of Dutch-bashing (which of course, very
      accurately identifies their own island-mentality insecurities and
      self-styled jingo-isolationism) was lovingly passed along like a
      verbal pestilence in the early settlement days of the mid-17th
      century to a wide variety of North Americans from Washington Irving,
      who portrayed the Dutch as obese, gluttonous, and lethargic; to Henry
      Miller, who in one of his crankier and less priapic books, Aller
      Retour New York, observed, "You mustn't get the impression ... that
      the Dutch are lacking in intelligence. On the contrary, I should say
      they are very intelligent, even more so than the seal or the otter."
      Even the auto-pugilistic comedy team, The 3 Stooges, whose television
      antics were my early source of English, got into the act in their
      Beer Barrel Polecats where out of nowhere (most likely Vaudeville)
      Larry asks the other two Stooges, "How 'bout some Dutch lunch?"

      "What's 'at?" Curly asks.

      "Burnt toast and a rotten egg."


      With typical Dutch punctuality, this playlist is 2 months late...
      Meanwhile, as we rebuild our studios and upgrade our hardware and get
      geared up for the fall we are temporarily not broadcasting in the
      ether. PTP will be back leaner and meaner in no time.

      Send all sound material for airplay and review to:
      Wreck This MeSS
      Radio 100 / Radio Patapoe
      bart plantenga
      Zeilstraat 23 / II
      1075 SB Amsterdam
      the Netherlands

      o "plus another few hundred when it hits the BSI list!" Ezra
      o Old playlists archived at <http://www.wfmu.org/~bart/>
      o Selected Playlists at http://www.romanapoli.com/black/wreckthismess.html
      o Soon, the unveiling of new juggernaut: <http://wreckthismess.com/>
      courtesy of Pavement Tulip, a genius stuck in the body of a Polish
      skier in Brooklyn's inner denouement.


      CONTACT ninplant@... FOR REMOVAL

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