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***Thought & Humor*** Aug 28, 2004 Edition - Back To School Edition

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  • humor4u2day@juno.com
    Welcome to the most censored & attacked surreptitious newspaper on the internet. I wonder what s below that various indomitable individuals are afraid for you
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 26 6:48 AM
      Welcome to the most censored &
      attacked surreptitious newspaper
      on the internet. I wonder what's
      below that various indomitable
      individuals are afraid for you to
      read??? Surely not the award
      winning humor!!!






      Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper
      featuring 'Thought & Humor'
      by Howdy





      ===============



      A policeman pulled a UNC student over after she'd
      been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

      Cop: Do you know where you were going?

      UNC Student: No, but wherever it is, it must be
      bad 'cause all the people are leaving.


      ===============


      Riddles:



      1) I am never quite what I appear to be.
      Straight-forward I seem,
      but it's only skin deep,
      for mystery most often lies beneath my
      simple speech.
      Sharpen your wits, open your eyes,
      look beyond my exteriors, read me backwards,
      forwards, upside down.
      Think critically and answer the question...
      What am I?


      2) Like a clown I bring laughter to a child's face,
      Like a bird I can fly through open space.
      People buy me only to throw me away
      Come the very next warm summer day.


      3) I always fall,
      but I never get hurt.
      I can bend over backwards,
      but cannot break.
      I arrive free of charge
      but often leave for a fee.
      What am I?



      (Answers are located below)
      If you can't find the answers below:

      http://groups.yahoo.com/group/howdy_text_only/messages

      ===============



      'Text-Only' Edition has no color cartoon here - and it was
      funny...
      ===============


      Q: What happens when two bullets get married?
      A: They have a little BB.




      ===============




      Read what you have time for below & save the
      residuum for a stormy/blustery/dilatory interval
      while the charming/exquisite/vernal/aestival
      season is bursting out all over. Our goal is
      to promote a non-threatening and productive
      office & university environment and to establish
      language that is gender-neutral, ethnic-neutral,
      and age-neutral while celebrating our spirit of
      diversity.


      ===============





      I think the political correctness is getting ridiculous.
      Today I overheard a little boy say he was going to
      go play a game of Cattle Management Specialists
      and Native Americans.







      ===============




      ***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***
      This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
      or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
      warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
      A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
      ahead for your divertissement!?! "UNSUBSCRIBE" communiqué
      located below. Even French students can do it...




      ===============




      GIFT UPON GIFT

      In her mind she knew God’s gifts weren’t things she could
      earn. In her heart she needed some more convincing.

      http://www.boundless.org/departments/head_and_heart/a0000930.html

      {Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web
      Browser's address
      line - address shown is not amalgamated with 'Thought & Humor' but
      should be}






      ===============







      World's Easiest Quiz -- (Passing requires 4 correct answers)
      ------------------------------------

      1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
      2) Which country makes Panama hats?
      3) From which animal do we get catgut?
      4) In which month do Russians celebrate
      the October Revolution?
      5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
      6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are
      named after what animal?
      7) What was King George VI's first name?
      8) What color is a purple finch?
      9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

      All done? Check your answers below!







      ===============







      As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they
      would be able to make the trip south, so they decided to go
      by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant
      noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you
      wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

      "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."







      ===============




      Undoubtedly America’s fastest growing sensation online,
      'Thought & Humor' has arrived after winding its way
      through the Internet’s highways and byways to your e-mail
      address. We welcome all our great readers to another unique
      blend of the jocular with provocative rumination for your
      weekly entertainment - usually platitudinous & bromidic
      but never nefarious, prurient, besmeared, or perfidious
      and delivered gratis to offices, homes & dorms ubiquitously....




      ===============








      An account executive at a stock-and-bond firm telephoned
      a UNC* grad client who had purchased her first stock - one
      hundred shares of Proctor & Gamble. He told her that he
      had just heard they were going to split.

      "Oh! What a shame." she lamented. "I'm so sorry to hear that.
      And, they've been together for so long, too."

      ________
      *UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
      Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
      B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., B.R.C.
      (Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898
      for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were
      unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher
      learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.

      ===============






      THE SIX PHASES OF A PROJECT

      1. Enthusiasm
      2. Disillusionment
      3. Panic
      4. Search for the Guilty
      5. Punishment of the Innocent
      6. Praise and Honor for the Non-Participants







      ===============




      A sign over a display of pine boards at HOME DEPOT:
      "Knotty, but Nice!"





      ===============







      --WHO AM I?

      --1. I was born on July 13, 1942, in Chicago, Illinois.

      --2. Arguably the most bankable movie star ever, I came into
      my success relatively late in life.

      --3. I was working as a self-taught carpenter when I got the
      chance to audition for the low-budget coming-of-age movie
      American Graffiti.

      --4. I've been married twice, have four children and rarely
      reveal much about my private life to the press.

      --5. The fourth installment of my infamous adventure character
      is reportedly in the works and slated for this year, when I
      am 62 years old.

      Who Am I? (Answer Below)






      ===============





      I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in
      my tie. "These four-in-hands with their tiny knots are so un-
      stylish," I complained. He asked, "Do you know how to do a
      Windsor knot?" I replied, "It doesn't matter if you Windsor
      knot, it's how you play the game!







      ===============


      ***TEST YOUR WORD KNOWLEDGE? ***

      Match the words in the left-hand column with the correct
      definition in the right-hand column. The answer key is
      listed at the bottom of this newsletter.


      1. encumbrance A. Scornful insolence
      2. schuss B. Difficult to penetrate
      3. contumely C. To rove around carrying out violent attacks
      4. polyglot D. Disposed to fight
      5. maraud E. Burdensome and troublesome load
      6. ganef F. Wicked in the extreme
      7. pugnacious G. To ski straight downhill at high speed
      8. hiemal H. Containing, or made up, of, several languages
      9. recondite I. A thief, cheater
      10. nefarious J. Relating to or occurring in winter



      (answers below)





      ===============







      EXPLORE A 200-YEAR-OLD HOUSE
      http://www.pem.org/yinyutang/
      Yin Yu Tang is a merchant's house built over 200 years ago in
      rural China. It was reassembled at the Peabody Essex Museum.







      ===============



      ===============







      A new young bride & UNC grad calls her mother in tears.
      She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

      "Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just
      a misunderstanding."

      "No, mother," you don't understand.
      "I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at
      me about the price!"

      "Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.
      "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

      "No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the
      airplane ticket."
      "Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

      "Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the
      directions on the package and it said -
      'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"







      ===============



      'Thought & Humor' has been read in all 50 States,
      70 Countries, 7 Continents, many Island Nations,
      Oxford, Cambridge, every Ivy League School
      & all major American Universities including UNC!!!



      ===============







      A chief petty officer caught an AWOL sailor as he tried to sneak aboard
      ship. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation, the petty officer
      told him, "Sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning, or it's
      the brig for you!" The sailor picked up a broom, but before he could
      sweep, a tern landed on the handle. The lad picked the tern off and
      tossed it overboard. The bird lit again on the broom handle, and was
      again tossed away. On and on, through the night, they went through the
      same routine. In the morning, when the petty officer inspected, he
      found the chain still dirty. "What have you been doing all night?" he
      asked angrily. "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all
      night and couldn't sweep a link!"







      ===============



      If you would like to write Howdy (he reads all of them),
      send an amicable, meticulous, penurious or factious e-mail to:



      Howdy's address: your-bestfriend4u@...



      Please tell us your general location (State, School, Country).
      All letters sent to Howdy might be printed unless you
      request otherwise. Letters marked "anonymous" may be
      printed but without the name. Your e-mail address will not
      be shown. Tell us what's happening in your locale!!!

      Warning: Please do not send political correspondence - these sometimes
      slip stealthily past our editor. We have a very strict policy forbidding
      posting of any political material in this section. If your copy contains

      such, please be advised that your copy may have been an early
      edition and that it was doffed from all ensuing editions.




      Dear Howdy,

      I WILL file a formal complaint with
      UMASS OIT so you people cannot harass
      people with this nonsense anymore. I
      hope I have made myeself clear.

      Sincerely,
      Rachel S. (U. Mass)

      +++

      Howdy,

      In a vulgar distortion of history, the PA media often compare the
      Palestinian situation to the suffering of the Jews in the Holocaust.
      The PA's latest propaganda film about "refugees" draws on a well-
      known image from Holocaust history -- dead Jews hanging over
      barbed wire -- and restages it with false images of Palestinians
      hanging from barbed wire.

      These shocking visual images are combined with numerous messages
      of political indoctrination, geared particularly towards youth. First and
      foremost is the denial of Israel's right to exist. The essence of the
      program is that all of Israel is occupied "Palestine," stolen from the
      "refugees," and that the "refugees" have never forgotten and will
      "return."
      A young child talks of his "return," saying that although he is the
      fourth
      generation, he has not forgotten his roots in the land, and will return
      by
      his "blood." The recurring theme is, "We will surely return."

      This program has been broadcast four times in recent months.
      [PATV four times, May-August 2004]

      During Israel's War of Independence, hundreds of thousands of Arabs left
      for
      neighboring Arab countries. Most left after encouragement from Arab
      leaders,
      who thought it would help the war effort.

      Most of the Arabs ended up in UN refugee camps. To this day, the hosting
      Arab countries have used various laws, including those prohibiting land
      and
      business ownership, to prevent the original refugees and their
      descendants
      from becoming permanent citizens. These laws, and the desire to use the
      issue of "refugee suffering" as a political tool against Israel, have in
      fact caused the continued suffering for the camp residents and their
      descendants.

      Palestinian Authority (PA) propaganda accuses Israel of expelling all the
      "refugees," and blames Israel for their continued suffering. Instead of
      calling for solutions to the problems in the countries in which these
      people
      were born and reside, the PA demands that Israel absorb the remaining
      original refugees and millions of their descendants.

      Dave Hunt

      P.S. For more details, visit Palestinian Media Watch at:
      http://www.pmw.org.il

      +++

      Hey Howdy!

      Yes, I am getting the T&H. You are something else!! In a good way that
      is.

      The spiritual battle is real. I have not to tell you that, oh great
      HOWDY.
      But, I just pray, that my own family can see that. I see it all around
      how
      the darkness wins through the lies of this world, and what is sad, my own

      children buy into it. When does it become so that they can see it too?
      I know that I know that we that stand in Christ win in the end, but the
      battle
      to get there.... WOW..... give me strength, Lord. Know what I mean?

      Pray for me brother as I pray for you. Even though we may never see
      each other here on earth again, I know when you and I get Home, we
      will give each other a HI-FIVE saying.... Christ Wins!!!

      Blessing to you.

      Paul H. (Texas)

      +++

      Dear Howdy,

      According to the liberal-left, Kerry has never – no, NEVER -
      lied, prevaricated, exaggerated, or obfuscated. He has never
      flipped flopped. If he has done a 180 on an issue it is because
      he is evolving … transforming like a little butterfly. And we all
      know development is a complicated process, don’t we? Therefore,
      one must be understanding with Kerry during his miraculous
      presidential metamorphosis. He’s flowering. Be gentle.

      Given the vast secularization of the left it’s touching to see
      such faith. Yes, the Democrats’ willingness to completely,
      implicitly trust, back, defend, go out on a limb for and stake
      their careers on this man is simply -- religious.

      My question is: what kind of goofy grape Jim Jones juice do the
      Democrats and the Liberal media’s Axis of Drivel, drink to make
      them utterly and completely believe everything this guy says and
      never seriously question him, his war claims or his vacillating
      voting records?

      Kerry has worked some serious voodoo on his backers, and he’s
      now trying to do it on us voters.

      Doug G.

      +++

      Hi Howdy,

      Among the fantabulous collection & collation of
      thought & humor this week I wanted to applaud
      & append your plethora of brilliancies. <>

      It looks like the decreasing speed of light and the
      vagaries of the Scopes trial are finally becoming
      mainstream, just soon enough. I think the speed
      of light was infinite until Satan fell like lightning;
      when he did it did. But we still need to work out
      why it's decreasing at a variable rate. <>

      Trivia about Get Smart and Gilligan's Island was
      much appreciated! And as for Disney movies with
      both parents present without dying, my wife thinks
      Lady and the Tramp also qualifies. But if you limit
      it to human title characters, Sleeping Beauty may
      be the only one left. <>

      My rhyming dictionary reveals the former past
      tenses of distract, work, and owe are distraught,
      wrought, and ought. Also, draw, slay and tow gave
      rise (though not as past tenses) to draught, onslaught,
      and taut. I like to phrase the puzzle as an odd man
      out and ask: Which one of the following verbs does
      not belong: bring buy catch distract fight freight owe
      seek teach think work write? Elsewhere you make a
      punchline out of this quirk, but ungrammatically; you
      should ask it as: If teachers have taught, why haven't
      preachers praught? <>

      France's current flag is red, white and blue, not solid
      white. And I'm not sure celery has negative calories. <>

      According to "The Taming of the C.A.N.D.Y.* Monster
      (*Continually Advertised, Nutritionally Deficient, Yummies!)",
      11 cereals popular in the 70s have more sugar (sucrose)
      content percentages than Trix (quoting Journal of Dentistry
      for Children 09-10/74): Froot Loops 47.4, Honeycomb 48.8,
      Pink Panther 49.2, Cinnamon Crunch 50.3, Lucky Charms
      50.4, Cocoa Pebbles 53.5, Apple Jacks 55.0, Fruity Pebbles
      55.1, King Vitaman 58.5, and Sugar Smacks 61.3; and the
      winner is Super Orange Crisp at 68.0, or, if you include
      glucose, a whopping 70.8% sugar. <>

      I used to have a list of first-name anagrams (like
      Christian/Christina) but can't find it to locate any other
      3-way anagrams than Arnold/Roland/Ronald. I've also
      forgotten the longest common word typeable with the
      left hand but "aftercataracts" (14) and "tesseradecades"
      are longer than "stewardesses" (12). The word
      "tessarescaedecaedra" (19) has been suggested as a
      variant plural of "tessarescaedecahedron" from Webster's
      Second Unabridged: it means "14-sided solids". Longest
      for right hand is the flower "johnny-jump-up" (14 including
      hyphens). Longest song lyric for right hand is "Lollipop,
      lollipop, oh lolly lolly lolly, lollipop" (etc.). <>

      Keep the faith and write back if you want any more linguistic puzzles!

      John J Bulten

      +++

      Dear Howdy,

      I am still receiving the Thought and Humor emails.
      I enjoy reading the humorous jokes and the thoughts
      of the various articles. It definitely makes for an
      interesting email. haha Take care.

      Ellen (ECU)

      +++

      Dear Howdy,

      hello my friend...r u ok?...i hadn't recieve any
      magazines from u since 12/8/03

      Ahmed (Egypt)

      +

      Dear Ahmed,

      You were wise and saved my e-mail address:
      your-bestfriend4u@...


      Your Devoted Friend,
      Howdy

      P.S. There's something in 'T&H' that the libs just have
      to censor. I wonder what it is???

      +

      Yes my friend...i get the issue..thx :)

      and another yes...i am a muslim in egypt.

      Ahmed

      P.S. i just want to tell u thx for letin me back in your
      subscribers list....i dunno why would anybody rjects
      me...being a muslim is not a crime as i actually
      noticed it is the very reason of why i am banned...and
      still some pepole say that muslims are experts in
      abomination !!!!!!!! but since u r the moderator Howdy
      u have the final decesion ...anyway... u have been
      very nice to me...if it causes u any problem that i am
      on your list...just reject me...plz always remember
      that there is a friend 4 u in Egypt :)

      +

      Dear Ahmed,

      No, no, no, no, no, and no!!! I wish for you to be on
      our subscription list & if anyone causes trouble with
      your name there then bully for them:O) Glad you are
      back on & please remember that Jesus loves Muslims
      very much!!!

      Howdy


      +++

      Dear Howdy,

      It has been said that at UNC some students have actually
      matriculated right in the Registrar's office, in front of --
      gasp -- mixed company!

      Now I have it on good authority that Senator John Kerry
      in his campaign to be elected President of these United
      States has actually -- are you ready for this: obfuscated
      in public, and some of his supporters have even cheered
      while his obfuscation was in progress.

      GB

      +++

      Dear Howdy,

      I was against the first Iraq war, I am against the second Iraq
      war, but I voted for it. Now I'm against it but I was for it. I support
      the UN. I'm against terrorism and against the Iraq war. But I voted
      for the Iraq war. So, I voted against the first war and supported the
      second war, wait...

      I'm against gay marriage but for gay unions. I support gays but
      think the SF mayor is wrong. I support gay marriages. No, wait,
      gay unions.

      I'm Catholic. Wait, I'm Jewish. My dad was Jewish. But I was
      raised Catholic. What am I? I don't want to confuse people.

      I am for abortions, but wait, I'm Catholic, and Catholics are
      pro-life.

      But I might consider putting pro-life judges in office, but I'm
      not sure. I do know I voted for a pro-life judge, but I stated
      that it was a mistake.

      I went to Vietnam. But I was against Vietnam. I testified against
      fellow US troops in Vietnam, threw my medals away and led
      others to do the same. But I am a war hero. Against the war.

      I stated I threw my medals away then I threw my ribbons away.
      I then revealed that I threw my ribbons away but not my medals,
      then lately I stated that I threw someone else's medals away and
      never threw anything of mine away.

      I believe Ribbons and medals aren't the same thing. Medals
      come with ribbons, so now I believe that ribbons and medals
      are the same thing besides the fact that ribbons are cloth and
      medals are metal.

      I wrote a book that pictured the US flag upside-down on its cover.
      But now I fly and campaign in a plane with a large flag right-side
      up on it. But sometimes, we fly upside-down for fun.

      Yasser Arafat is a hero and a statesman. The Israelis shouldn't
      kill Palestinian terrorists, but they should stop terrorism. Yasser
      Arafat is a terrorist supporter. I support Mideast peace.

      I am for the common man, unlike Bush. I am against the rich. But
      my family is worth 500 million dollars has a jet and many SUVs.
      I am the common man.

      I am against sending jobs overseas. My wife is a Heinz heir, which
      Heinz has most factories offshore. I am against rewarding companies
      for exporting jobs as long as it is not Heinz. Her name is Terri Kerry.

      I own $1 million in Wal-Mart stock. I believe Wal-Mart is evil by
      driving small business owners out of town. I am a capitalist and
      I own part of Wal-Mart but I am a good guy for small corporate
      America.

      I own SUVs when I talk to my followers in Detroit, MI. Teresa owns
      SUVs, I don't, when I talk to tree hugging followers. I have a campaign
      jet that gets 1/3 mpg, which is great fuel efficiency.

      I am against making military service an issue in presidential elections.

      I defended a draft dodger Clinton and stated that all serve in their
      own capacity whether they draft dodge or not. Did I mention, I
      served in Vietnam and am a hero? Are you questioning my patriotism?
      I served in Vietnam. My opponent didn't. I have three purple hearts!

      I am a hero. I am qualified to run this country since I served. I spent
      Christmas of 1968 in Cambodia, being shot at by the drunken South
      Vietnamese and the Khmer Rouge, while president Nixon was lying
      to the country and saying that there were no troops in Cambodia.

      What's that you say, Nixon wasn't president in 1968? Well, it must
      have been some other president then. Who was that president with
      the a phony silver star? It was probably him.

      Are you sure the Khmer Rouge were not active until 1970, well I
      guess I must not have been there then. That's right I was actually in
      my basecamp in Vietnam at least 55 miles from the Cambodian border
      and I spent the evening writing in my journal about being in Cambodia.
      I got confused after I said it so many times between 1968 and 1986.

      I am a real hero though, just spend three minutes with the people
      who served with me and they will tell you. No, not those 200 plus
      veterans who served with me and say I lied, and not all those
      veterans that signed affidavits that say I am a phony, I mean just
      these 8 people that travel around with me (my band of brothers).

      Senator John Kerry - Candidate for President

      +++

      Dear Howdy,

      Am still enjoying and appreciating this email ... does
      my inquisitive and short attention span mind good to
      read your emaILS.

      Thank you. Geewhizzh (Gloria)

      +++

      Howdy,

      Yes, am still enjoying your newsletter.

      Will enjoy it more if Pres. Bush gets re-elected.

      That might sound curious, that I would enjoy reading your newsletter more
      under one political leadership than another. But I think I will feel
      more
      comfortable, in general, with him as Pres. than the other guy.

      About all Christians can ask for these days really...a Pres. that at
      least
      recognizes Christianity and our world view.

      I am very concerned about Christianity surviving in America these days.
      What with the filth on TV and out of Hollywood these days.

      May your endeavors to help stem the tide be fruitful,

      A fan,

      Bill K. (U.S. Army)

      +++


      Hi Howdy,
      Don't get discouraged and don't fret. Look at all the ammunition the
      liberal weenies are going to give you in the next few months. Don't let
      the
      nay sayers get you down. They may not appreciate your humor and they may

      not want to hear the Word, but you and I know that you have done your
      duty
      to spread the gospel. The failure is theirs and unfortunately they will
      pay.

      I, on the other hand, am a Howdy fan by choice and a southerner by the
      grace of God. And in the immortal words of that great American Lewis
      Grizzard, "I know in my heart that God talks like us." I can't wait to
      hear
      my Lord greet me at the pearly gates and say to me, "Ya'll come on in.
      Get
      in the truck and we'll head up to the big house for some syrup and
      biscuits." It just can't get any better than that!
      Robert Foster

      +++

      Dear Howdy,
      I am doing fine and still enjoying your news letter, I am always sending
      it
      on to friends , Hope you go on forever.
      As ever
      Peggie W

      +++
      Dear Howdy,

      Here's a joke for you:

      A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing
      eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the
      customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is
      blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.
      Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man
      start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.

      Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a
      problem - is there anything I can help you with?" The blind
      man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."

      R.H. (UNC)


      +++

      Dear Howdy,

      thank you....thank you....thank you! i was having a bad day and i went to
      check my email and found your newsletter, "thought and humor," in my
      inbox.
      i don't know who signed me up for it, but i am very grateful. it was
      positively delightful and it brightened my day....God bless you.

      A. J. (UTK)

      +++

      Hello Howdy,

      Please, stop sending me these emails. I prefer to be depressed!

      Thankyou,
      Pia S. (Sweden)






      Please note that our policy allows for us to receive threats
      on alternate Tuesdays when the Moon is waning only...


      ===============






      Here is a collection of words taken from several crossword
      puzzles and brain teasers. Match wits with the puzzle
      constructors and select the answer you think is correct.


      1. pomp (n.) - A: self-assurance. B: fame. C: stately dis-
      play. D: upswept hair style.

      2. guru (n.) - A: African antelope. B: spiritual adviser.
      C: gifted person. D: deceptive gambler.

      3. retrench (v.) - A: to establish. B: economize. C: dig
      out. D: fill in with earth.

      4. precis (n.) - A: summary. B: correct method. C: advance
      showing. D: prediction.

      5. modish (adj.) - A: fashionable. B: temperamental.
      C: snobbish. D: shy.

      6. ilk (n.) - A: source. B: sickness. C: small group.
      D: same kind.

      7. medley (n.) - A: recurring theme. B: assortment of items.
      C: average result. D: softness.

      8. allay (n.) - A: to join. B: state to be true. C: calm.
      D: retreat from.

      9. prevail (v.) - A: to beg. B: prevent. C: grasp. D: tri-
      umph.

      10. dam (n.) - A: woman of nobility. B: great strength.
      C: animal's female parent. D: counteraction.

      11. askance (adv.) - with A: horror. B: suspicion.
      C: awkwardness. D: coyness.

      12. tinge (v.) - A: to burn. B: make a light, ringing sound.
      C: color slightly. D: spoil or corrupt.

      13. wan (adj.) - A: pale. B: tender. C: unexpressive.
      D: thin.

      14. bauble (n.) - A: foolish talk. B: small bubble.
      C: social error. D: worthless trinket.

      15. par (n.) - A: superior attainment. B: figure of speech.
      C: smallness. D: average condition.

      16. prig (n.) - person who is A: boring. B: self-righteous.
      C: gossipy. D: witty.

      17. riff (n.) - A: animation. B: rupture of a relationship.
      C: disreputable person. D: repeated melodic phrase.

      18. downy (adj.) - A: soft and fluffy. B: foolish and
      flighty. C: somewhat seedy. D: languid or flabby.

      19. mote (n.) - A: wide ditch. B: emotional outburst.
      C: speck. D: act of shedding.

      20. lulu (n.) - A: Polynesian feast. B: euphemism for wash-
      room. C: lucky break. D: anything remarkable.
      (See answers below)






      ===============






      A Polish immigrant goes to the DMV to apply for
      a driver's license. He has to take an eye sight test.

      The optician shows him a card with the letters

      'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'.

      "Can you read this?" the optician asks.

      "Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy."







      ===============







      My friend, Lance, has played a lot of parts on stage. He's
      got a
      lot of acting ability, and naturally he was interested when he heard that
      his
      church was going to do an outreach drama. They rented a public auditorium
      and they developed this powerful original presentation of the Life of
      Christ. And then Lance was stunned by the casting choice they made. They
      wanted to cast him as Jesus. Well, Lance had been in enough productions
      to
      know that you have to try to get into the person you're playing. You have
      to
      stay in that character all day long, if possible. And Lance said he
      really
      tried. And then he told me, "I discovered I couldn't play Jesus." Well,
      neither can you.

      Our word for today from the Word of God comes from the pen of
      the Apostle Paul in Galatians 2:20. And here's what he says: "I have been
      crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The
      life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me
      and
      gave Himself for me."

      Lance, by the way, did end up playing Christ in that drama, and
      he
      said the drama had an incredibly powerful impact on their community. But
      he explained to me, "I couldn't get into the person of Jesus. So, I
      decided
      that He would have to get into me. I can't be Jesus," he said. "No human
      being can. Only Jesus can be Jesus. So I concluded I'd have to let Jesus
      be Jesus through me." I told Lance, "This is the ultimate secret of the
      Christian life, man. It's that 2:20 principle from Galatians 2:20 - It is
      not I but Christ."

      Those four words sum it all up. It's not me living the Christian
      life, it's Him doing it through me. I cannot live this Jesus life. Only
      one
      person ever did. Only one person can today. This is a matter of you
      surrendering and letting Jesus be Jesus through you. That's why He said,
      "I am the vine. You are the branch." You're not like this herniated
      little
      branch over there on the ground saying, "Oh, I gotta produce fruit, gotta
      produce fruit, gotta produce fruit!" All the life comes from the vine. It
      looks like it's coming from the branch, but it's only coming through the
      branch. We're just Jesus branches.

      This is the liberating secret of the Christian experience. Jesus
      through me - not me doing it for Jesus. If you're like most believers,
      you're working very hard to be like Christ, you're frustrated and you're
      tired. You've dedicated, you've rededicated, you've re-rededicated,
      you're
      having devotions, you're praying, you're witnessing, you're going to the
      right meetings, you're serving, and those are all good things to do, but
      you're saying, "Why is this so hard?"

      Well, you were never meant to play Jesus. What He's asking you
      to do is give up all that striving and to let Him take over, to trade
      that in for
      abiding in Christ instead of striving for Christ. Maybe you're all worn
      out
      from trying to live the Christian life. You've been trying to play Jesus
      and
      you're tired.

      Well, there's good news! You were never meant to. You can resign
      from trying and say, "Jesus, I want a total take-over by you. I've been
      trying to produce your characteristics in my life and I've failed. Let
      Jesus
      play himself through your personality. Make this a daily surrender - an
      hourly surrender of your life. "Jesus, you live your life through me."
      The
      results will be more powerful than anything you have ever experienced.
      You
      will have discovered that there is only one way to portray Jesus - let
      Him
      do it! Ron Hutchcraft



      Send any comments for Howdy to:
      your-bestfriend4u@...
      If published in 'T & H', millions
      could see your annotation.

      Listen with RealAudio!
      http://xrl.us/ctdi

      To subscribe to "A Word With You," send a blank email to:
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      ---------------------------------------------------------------------

      To find out how you can begin a personal relationship
      with Jesus Christ, please call:

      1-888-NEED HIM.



      ===============




      Nearly every movie produced today is available on DVD,
      and many older movies are being moved to the DVD format.
      Often, a movie comes out on DVD before it comes out on
      video tape, because the manufacturing and distribution
      costs for DVDs are so much lower!

      MORE on how DVDs work: http://www.howstuffworks.com/dvd.htm





      ===============







      A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a UNC
      grad who is a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of
      grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices
      that the grad is just standing there, doing nothing. The man gets
      out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks
      him, "Excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

      The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

      "How?" asks the man, puzzled.

      "Well...I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are
      out standing in their field."






      ===============




      Subscribe: Join the jollity by sending an e-mail to:

      your-bestfriend4u@...
      (Place "SUBSCRIBE" in the
      subject).
      (Open To ALL - Even Your
      Roommate/mom/friend/professor)

      You may subscribe ANY friend/family you wish to
      beguile/regale.
      They will be sent a confirmation warning them that
      smiles are in their future.
      (You may remain anonymous if
      you wish.)




      ===============







      Kids love to play 20 Questions. It's the game where one person thinks
      of an object--animate or inanimate. The other players can ask 20
      questions. The questions have to be phrased so that the answer is
      yes or no.

      Now you can play against the computer.

      Think of something and the computer will ask you a series of questions.
      I thought of worm and it guessed correctly in 19 tries! I then tried
      baseball and it guessed in 18 tries.

      Try it out--it's fun!
      http://q.20q.net/q.cgi


      {Double click on the web address above for additional information:}






      ===============

      Howdy says: "FORWARD TO FRIENDS & YOUR MAMA!"
      First Published In Last Century - July 26,1997
      Thought For The OPEN Mind - Humor From American Culture

      ===============







      "My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor," complained the UNC student.

      "What have you been eating?" asked the doctor.

      "That's easy. I only eat pool balls."

      "Pool balls?!" said the astonished doctor. "Maybe that's the trouble.
      What kind do you eat?"

      "All kinds," replied the student, "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and
      orange ones for lunch, blue ones for afternoon snacks, and purple and
      black for dinner."

      "I see the problem," said the doctor. "You haven't been getting any
      greens!"







      ===============







      POSTMODERNISM AND THE CHRISTIAN LIFE
      by J.P. Moreland

      The current hot philosophy is a breeding ground for
      self-indulgence, suspicion and anger.

      http://www.boundless.org/features/a0000928.html

      {Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web
      Browser's address
      line - address shown is not amalgamated with 'Thought & Humor' but
      should be}






      ===============






      PAGAN CHIC
      by Roberto Rivera y Carlo

      Paganism's not just on Buffy and Charmed; it's spreading on campus.
      Understanding its appeal is the key to confronting it.

      http://www.boundless.org/2002_2003/features/a0000712.html




      KAUFMAN ON CAMPUS

      EMBARRASSED BELIEVERS?
      by Matt Kaufman

      Some Christian schools are sticking to their convictions.
      Others are fleeing from them.

      http://www.boundless.org/2002_2003/regulars/kaufman/a0000713.html



      GIRLS AND SEX
      by Prof J. Budziszewski

      They've gone too far with guys; now they need to back away.
      How do they do it? It's simple--not to say easy.

      http://www.boundless.org/2002_2003/departments/theophilus/a0000714.html


      {Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web
      Browser's address
      line - address shown is not amalgamated with 'Thought & Humor' but
      should be}






      ===============




      TRIVIA:

      Cleopatra was part Macedonian, part Greek, and part Iranian.
      She was not an Egyptian.

      ***

      Many cities in our country bear the names of other countries.
      The U.S. city of Mexico can be found in the states of Indiana,
      Maine, and Missouri.

      ***

      The game Scrabble is found in one out of every three American
      homes.

      ???

      Pencils

      The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or
      write approximately 50,000 English words. More than 2 billion
      pencils are manufactured in the U.S. annually. If these were
      laid end to end, they would circle the earth nine times.

      ***

      We Landed on the Moon

      When the Apollo 12 astronauts landed on the moon, the impact
      caused the moon's surface to vibrate for 55 minutes. The
      vibrations were picked up by laboratory instruments, leading
      geologists to theorize that the moon's surface is composed of
      fragile layers of rock.







      ===============





      HAREM DATING
      by J. Budziszewski

      Prof Theo (with a big hand from his wife) straightens out
      Jordan on sending mixed signals, and on what women
      really want.

      http://www.boundless.org/regulars/office_hours/a0000929.html


      {Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web
      Browser's address
      line - address shown is not amalgamated with 'Thought & Humor' but
      should be}





      ===============




      In 1796 the US Supreme Court issued this ruling, "By our form
      of government, the Christian religion is the established religion,
      and all sects and denominations of Christians are placed on
      equal footing." Some 57 years later, after Congress was
      petitioned to separate Christian principles from government,
      in 1853 the House Judiciary Committee issued their formal
      report, including these words: "In this age there is no substitute
      for Christianity. This was the religion of the founders of the republic,
      and they expected it to be the religion of their dependents. The
      great vital, conservative elements in our system is the belief of
      our people in the pure doctrines and divine truths of the gospel
      of Jesus Christ." - - - Dr. Gerald Beavan




      ===============







      KIDS' SITE: SPORTS ILLUSTRATED GAMES FOR KIDS
      http://www.sikids.com/games/

      Play cool games just like a big leaguer - basketball, baseball, auto
      racing and more! There are also extreme games, like skateboarding.


      THAT'S JUST GRANDPA

      A new way of looking at those super-spiritual types in our lives.

      http://www.boundless.org/2002_2003/departments/head_and_heart/a0000711.ht
      ml


      {Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web
      Browser's address
      line - address shown is not amalgamated with 'Thought & Humor' but
      should be}





      ===============



      Address Change

      Don't be without 'Thought & Humor' this electrifying Autumn season
      should your address (college students, military, rich people, etc.)
      change. Subscribe your new address:

      your-bestfriend4u@...


      It's hard to impress the opposite sex without 'Thought & Humor'
      combined with moonlight, candlelight dinners, ocean breezes,
      and Howdy...





      ===============





      Listening to the Democrats speak about John Kerry must be what
      it was like hearing Saint Peter describe Christ to his fishing buddies.
      Kerry can do no wrong. No matter what is written or said about the
      Senator, the Dems find no fault in the man. He’s perfect.

      Just look at his website, JohnKerry.com. Why, he’s squeaky clean;
      he’s a truth telling war hero and good guy, with an impeccable public
      record who should replace that terrible rascal George W. Bush. Kerry,
      according to the Dems, is the savior of these United States.

      MORE: http://xrl.us/cs5i


      {Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web
      Browser's address
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      ===============




      A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.
      Said the flea, "Let us fly!"
      Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
      So they flew through a flaw in the flue.






      ===============





      My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike,
      bucking 30 to 45 mph crosswinds. At the tollbooth,
      I asked the attendant, "What do you people do in
      Kansas when the wind quits?"

      The tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat when she
      answered, "We take the rocks out of our pockets."






      ===============




      'The Terrifying Flight'
      A Mini-Novel by Howdy


      Setting: Sometime in the future. A hugh winged man with a fierce
      countenance has just placed a man-of-the-world in heavy manacles.


      Man: What's the meaning of this?
      Angel: You heard the sentence.

      Man: I know but I was hoping for a retrial, an appeal, or something!!!
      Angel: There is none now.

      Man: When WAS there ever one?
      Angel: Before you departed your world.

      Man: You mean croaked?
      Angel: (Silence)

      The scene changes as they both lift away from the courtroom
      and hover briefly before commencing the final & terrifying journey.

      Man: How long is this going to take?
      Angel: Unfortunately for you, not long.

      Man: How far will we travel?
      Angel: All the way to the center of your galaxy.

      Man: What's there? A black hole?
      Angel: (Nod's affirmatively)

      Man: Is that... is it... really - you know Hell?
      Angel: (Nod's affirmatively)

      Man: ...but I thought God was a God of Love?
      Angel: He is.

      Man: Then why all this! Why doesn't He love me?
      Angel: He does (with a tear in his eye).

      Man: This isn't fair! He never loved me! He never told me about all this.
      Angel: Did you not own 7 copies of THE BOOK in your lifetime?

      Man: You mean the Bible?
      Angel: Yes.

      Man: I suppose but it was dull, boring & not intrinsic to me.
      Angel: It was very relevant. It tells how God loved you so much that
      He sent the King of Kings to take you punishment - but sadly you
      declined.

      Man: My family warned me but I thought that I wanted a "good time" and
      not a bunch of rules! Besides, my prof taught me that the Bible was
      bigoted,
      politically incorrect, homophobic & a myth.
      Angel: Unfortunately, I transported your professor on the previous
      peregrination.

      Man: Will I see him there - I'll punch out his #%!& lights.
      Angel: I am the last living soul you or he will ever see.

      Man: ...but I always thought that I could have fun with all my friends
      there???
      Angel: You will see no one ever again (again tears).

      Man: How is that possible???
      Angel: All will be there that declined the free offer from the "King of
      Kings" & sadly and unfortunately that was the preponderance of mankind.

      Man: Were they all conned like me?
      Angel: Yes, but many followed false gods, messiahs, religions.

      Man: What will my prison be like?
      Angel: After experiencing the place where you will spend forever, any
      prison
      anywhere at anytime in human history would have been a paradise.

      Man: Meaning???
      Angel: The immense gravity will pull & tear on you. Gasping for air, the
      prodigious smoke will fill your lungs. The searing heat - far hotter than
      your Sun (a mere star) - will torment your body. The thirst in your
      throat
      and being will be unquenchable. None will you ever see but all will you
      hear
      wailing, but worst of all will be your memory.

      Man: (Pausing with a smirk) Memory of what?
      Angel: Memory of what you did to others and a growing realization of what
      you would have been had you acceded to the pardon from the "King of
      Kings".

      Man: What did I ever do to others?
      Angel: What was brought out in your litigation - the way you neglected &
      manipulated your family & friends. The way you took advantage of women
      for your OWN gratification.

      Man: (Changing the subject) I thought all ways led to God in the end.
      Angel: In His Book He stated that He (Jesus - King of Kings) was the
      ONLY way. Either He was right or He was wrong.

      Man: I see now that all those other ways were terrible deceptions!
      Angel: (Silence)

      Man: Is this it???
      Angel: I'm sorry but yes.

      Man: Will I ever have a chance to leave?
      Angel: No, never.

      Man: I'll tell you and that King of yours one thing: I'd rather be HERE
      than around that all consuming brightness

      The scene concludes with the man being released
      screaming/shrieking/wailing
      into the Black Hole which will never be able to release any of it's
      eternally
      terrified & tortured occupants because they had each purposely
      chosen to decline the pardon from the loving "King of Kings". God was
      willing that none should perish- no not one - but many decide otherwise.
      Please don't allow this to be your future trip.









      ===============





      We are told, you see, that Saint John Kerry is immaculate, that
      we should believe what he and a smattering of others say about
      him during his Nam days, and that we should blow off his 20 year
      voting history. Just drink the [poisonous] grape juice and let him
      run the country. MORE: http://xrl.us/cs5i







      ===============



      Q: How do you sink a submarine full of UNC grads?
      A: Knock on the door.




      ===============






      Depressed, Troubled, Worried???
      Big Problems???
      Want to talk with a LIVE trained counselor???
      Want to get REAL help???
      (FREE - English/Spanish)

      1-800-633-3446

      http://www.needhim.org

      (Not amalgamated with 'Thought & Humor')




      ===============







      Everybody loves a bargain. Shopping on the Internet is one of
      the best ways to pay less than retail for just about anything.

      My Bargain Buddy has price alerts, coupon codes and freebies for the
      taking. Search for deals by category. Or, check your favorite online
      store to see if there are any specials or codes available.

      http://www.mybargainbuddy.com/index.shtml


      {Double click on the web address above for additional information:}







      ===============



      Don't ever take a fence down until you know
      why it was put up. -Robert Frost



      ===============







      The liberals want the masses to believe Kerry, make a Hegelian
      leap of faith, blow off all the massive accusations and empirical
      evidence … and embrace him. We can do this!

      First, by just moving on from all that Swift Boat stuff. Geez,
      guys, Kerry said he’s telling the truth. Let it be. The carefully
      scripted, evasive half-answers and the New York Times’ tilted take
      is good enough for the Democrats. So, what’s the problem? I mean,
      who cares if 60 eyewitnesses, and a total of 254 combat mates, think
      Kerry is a grade “A” bull artist? No need to check the facts: they’ve
      gotta be wrong, and Kerry’s obviously right.

      MORE: http://xrl.us/cs5i

      {Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web
      Browser's address
      line - address shown is not amalgamated with 'Thought & Humor' but
      should be}










      ===============







      Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study
      at an English university and was living in the hall of residence
      with all the other students there.

      After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit
      him.

      "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she
      asked.

      "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people.
      The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and
      won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams
      all night."

      "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful
      noisy English neighbors?"

      "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay
      here quietly, playing my bagpipes."









      ===============






      People are forever calling me a hypochondriac,
      and, let me tell you, that makes me sick.






      ===============








      "My favorite quality in children, which sadly fades with age, is the
      transparency with which they discover the world. You can see it on their
      faces as connections are made from one dot of information to another. A
      child who had just learned that electricity is what makes light bulbs
      glow
      saw a firefly and proclaimed excitedly, "He's got electrisy too, Mom!"
      (sic.).

      This connecting of one fact or experience to another is how we discover
      and know reality. And though like children we can draw connections
      incorrectly, even in adulthood we continue to look for patterns in our
      lives and in the world around us. We find ourselves secretly excited
      when
      another dot has been connected or the lights suddenly come on, when an
      unwelcome burden turns out to be the means through which a longstanding
      prayer is answered, when a distinguishable trail of meaning can be seen
      through the jungle of our experiences. There is within us a desire to
      see
      design and consistency that moves beyond functionality. Truth must
      correspond with reality. But we don't only find connections and
      corresponding details to help us understand the world. Yes, we find them
      because we long to see a coherent picture, but we also find these
      connections because they actually exist.

      C.S. Lewis makes a further observation about the connections that weave
      uniquely through our lives. "There have been times when I think we do
      not
      desire heaven" he writes, "but more often I find myself wondering whether
      in our heart of hearts, we have ever desired anything else. You may have
      noticed that the books you really love are bound together by a secret
      thread. You know very well what is the common quality that makes you
      love them, though you cannot put it into words: but most of your friends
      do not see it at all, and often wonder why, liking this, you should also
      like
      that. Again, you have stood before some landscape, which seems to embody
      what you have been looking for all your life; and then turned to the
      friend at your side… and you realize that this landscape means something
      totally different to him, that he is pursuing an alien vision and cares
      nothing for the ineffable suggestion by which you are transported. Even
      in your hobbies, has there not always been some secret attraction which
      the others are curiously ignorant of…?"(1)

      I am currently reading a book of essays contributed by a collection of
      authors, each depicting the books that most influenced their life and
      faith. Among the authors and the influential books they describe, there
      are occasionally secret threads that are found intersecting.
      Nonetheless,
      whether they are describing a similar experience or naming the same
      unforgettable book, each author describes a life uniquely reached. In
      our own lives it is similar. Books, experiences, interests, and history
      are
      bound together by an incommunicable quality. Lewis called it the "secret
      signature" of each soul, the unappeasable longing that connects the
      moments of our lives together.

      Fearfully and wonderfully we discover the patterns of our world, the
      secret threads in our lives. As we are made in the image of God, our
      connections bear his signature; our patterns are his design. Jill
      Carattini

      To subscribe, send blank e-mail with the subject 'Subscribe':
      slice-subscribe@...


      Send any comments for Howdy to:
      your-bestfriend4u@...
      If published in 'T & H', millions
      could see your annotation.



      ===============







      OBSCURE AND UNUSUAL WORDS
      *************************

      1) even-steven eevan steeven (adjective)
      : with all debts or grievances mutually settled
      : with equal scores or chances of winning

      Origin uncertain: probably an arbitrary rhyming form-
      ation, although Steven is obsolete slang for "money."

      At the end of the first round, the two teams were even-
      steven.

      2) glom glom (intransitive verb)
      : to grab or seize hold of something
      : to begin to understand or realize

      Early 20th century. Origin uncertain: probably a variant
      of Scottish English glaum "to snatch at," of unknown
      origin.

      Kids soon glom onto what's considered to be cool.







      ===============






      There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free,
      male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

      --Galatians 3:28

      Wouldn't it be great if we could tear down all the walls
      that divide us -- racial, social, and gender. The apostle Paul
      spent his entire life trying to do just that, to tear down the
      walls that divided people by bringing them to Jesus and the
      cross. There are no positions of superiority or inferiority at
      the foot of the cross, only those who discover God's might
      displayed in sacrifice and God's love displayed in the face
      of human cruelty. While the forces of culture and human
      selfishness are always finding ways to divide us, we must
      remember that in Jesus, and only in Jesus, we can be one.






      ===============





      ===============






      The most eccentric orbit of any planet in the solar system belongs
      to Pluto, a ball of rock and ice smaller than Earth's Moon. With its
      even smaller companion, Charon, Pluto traces an elliptical orbit in
      the outer reaches of the solar system.

      When it is closest to the Sun, Pluto is 2.8 billion miles out (4.4
      billion km), which is closer than Neptune. But the outer end of its
      long path is 4.6 billion miles from the Sun (7.5 billion km). For
      all but twenty years of its 248-year orbit, Pluto is the outermost
      known planet in the solar system.

      The Creator mad Pluto's unusual orbit have an effect on the planet.
      When it is closest to the Sun some of the ice on its surface evaporates,
      giving Pluto a thin atmosphere probably composed of nitrogen, carbon
      monoxide, methane, and other light gases. That atmosphere condenses
      into snow when the planet is farther from the Sun. Did you happen to know
      that Pluto's Creator was that Babe in Bethleham?

      The mysteries of Pluto and Charon:
      http://www.seds.org/nineplanets/nineplanets/pluto.html
      http://www.solarviews.com/eng/pluto.htm







      ===============






      Hello Howdy,

      I did actually take the time to read your entire e-mail,
      which I thought was terribly amusing. I admire your
      wordplay and eloquence of language.

      Saskia (Oxford U.)








      ===============





      The UNC math professor said, "Now class, we know their
      are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24
      hours in a day, and 365 days in a year, so who can tell me
      how many seconds there are in a year?"

      All the students looked baffled by the question except
      Rufus, who raises his hand and waves it excitedly.
      "Yes, Rufus, how many seconds are there in a year?"
      the math professor asked.

      Replied Rufus, "Twelve, m'am. January second, February
      second, March second..."






      ===============






      I am trying here to prevent anyone from saying the really
      foolish thing that people often say about Him [Jesus Christ]:
      "I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I
      don't accept His claim to be God."

      That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was
      merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would
      not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic --
      on a level with a man who says he is a poached egg --
      or else he would be the Devil of Hell.

      You must make your choice. Either this Man was, and is,
      the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse ....
      You can shut Him up for fool, you can spit at Him and kill
      Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him
      Lord and God. But let us not come up with any patronizing
      nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has
      not left that option open to us. He did not intend to.

      -- From Case for Christianity, by C.S. Lewis






      ===============





      "You are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens
      with God's people and members of God's household."

      --Ephesians 2:19
      New International Version


      Those of us who have been Christians a long time sometimes
      forget that we have no claim or right to the grace we have
      received. When we feel we deserve it, that it is ours by
      right, it is no longer grace and we no longer have it. To be a
      part of God's family is grace. Our lives are a gift from the
      Holy One who spoke into existence the universe (in which
      we are) and Who knows how to share and love in ways we
      can't even imagine.








      ===============






      Why The U.S.A. Is At War:

      http://attacked911.tripod.com/
      http://www.twin-towers.net/tt_video.htm
      http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2001/memorial/lists/by-name/

      (Not amalgamated with 'Thought & Humor')






      ===============




      Archives available:

      http://groups.yahoo.com/group/howdy_text_only/messages


      (Unostentatious Yahoo check in required)




      ===============








      Albert Einstein's most famous formula is widely known: E=mc^2,
      which relates mass to energy. It says that the energy contained in
      matter
      is equal to its mass times the speed of light squared.

      Since light travels very fast (300,000 kilometers per second, or
      186,000 miles per second), there's a lot of energy wrapped up in a
      very small bit of matter. The energy of one gram (1/28 ounce) of
      matter would keep a 100-watt light bulb glowing for 28,500 years.

      One of the most noticeable examples of the mass-energy relation is in
      the sun, where hydrogen is converted into helium by nuclear fusion.
      During the reaction, 0.7% of the hydrogen's mass is released as
      various forms of energy. The Creator pointed a tiny fraction of that
      energy toward our planet in order to keep the Earth from turning into
      a ball of ice. Did you happen to know that the Sun, light, & Einstein's
      Creator was that Babe in Bethleham?

      Listen to Einstein himself explain it:
      http://www.aip.org/history/einstein/voice1.htm

      College-level thought experiments on mass and energy:
      http://www.phys.virginia.edu/classes/252/mass_and_energy.html

      Mathematical derivation of Einstein's equation:
      http://library.thinkquest.org/3471/energy_mass_equivalence.html






      ===============







      Kerry’s crowd is so blinded by anti-Bush
      frothing fervor they have completely lost
      their objectivity and have halo-ed this cat.
      No, no, no, John Kerry’s not a liar. His
      voting record doesn’t contradict his newfound
      convictions … and the king is not naked.
      It’s OK, cuz … O.J. is innocent, and Scott
      Peterson didn’t kill Laci and their baby.
      Oh, and Britney Spears can sing, and
      Andy Dick is a thespian.

      MORE: http://xrl.us/cs5i









      ===============






      **RECENT UNC INVENTIONS*

      Black Highlighter

      Braille Driver's Manual

      Clear Correction Fluid

      Fake Rhinestones








      ===============







      'Thought & Humor' - often polemical but
      never tasteless/unrefined/uncouth/ribald.







      ===============






      What you heard from me, keep as the pattern of sound teaching,
      with faith and love in Christ Jesus. Guard the good deposit
      that was entrusted to you -- guard it with the help of the Holy
      Spirit who lives in us. --2 Timothy 1:13-14

      We live in a world of keys, locks, alarms, and security
      systems. Paul's words here, shouldn't come as a surprise to
      us. The things that are most valuable to us we protect. What
      is more precious to us than the truth of God's saving grace in
      the Gospel. Thankfully, God has pre-wired all of us with a
      security system to help protect that incredibly precious hope.
      This security system lives in us. It is the Holy Spirit.








      ===============





      Who is Jesus?
      http://www.ccci.org/wij/

      (Not amalgamated with 'Thought & Humor')






      ===============







      A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in
      one of the many bars in Chapel Hill. He's going through his usual
      run of stupid UNC jokes, when a large, UNC student in the fourth
      row stands on his chair and says "I've heard just about enough of
      your denigrating UNC jokes."

      He continues to berate him: "What makes you think you can
      stereotype UNC that way? What does a person's school
      have to do with their worth as a human being and intelligence?
      It's guys like you who keep future UNC grads like me from
      being respected at work and in the community, or of reaching
      their full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue
      to perpetuate discrimination against UNC, all in the name of humor."

      Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the student
      pipes up, "You stay out of this, Mister. I'm talking to that little
      jerk on your knee!"







      ===============







      We can really embrace Kerry very easily: simply believe
      that he means it when he says he’ll cut the middle classes’
      taxes. All we have to do is forget he’s voted 98 times for tax
      increases totaling more than $2.3 trillion and voted at least
      126 times against tax cuts totaling more than $5.3 trillion.
      Just believe Kerry even though he’s voted 73 timesto reduce
      the size of a tax cut, 67 times for smaller tax cuts and 11 times
      against repealing tax hikes … and even when he voted for Bill
      Clinton’s largest tax increase in U.S. history! If Kerry says he’s
      not going to tax us, just be cool …close your eyes ... and keep
      the grape juice flowing. MORE: http://xrl.us/cs5i

      {Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web
      Browser's address
      line - address shown is not amalgamated with 'Thought & Humor' but
      should be}






      ===============





      View This Controversial Ad that
      The Libs Are Trying To Block:

      http://humaneventsonline.com.edgesuite.net/unfit_video_wmv.html
      http://www.swiftvets.com
      http://humaneventsonline.com.edgesuite.net/unfit_pdf.html
      (new)


      (Not amalgamated with 'Thought & Humor')





      ===============





      Did you hear about the fellow from Los Angeles who
      passed out on a cruiseship?

      They had to hold him over the exhaust to revive him.






      ===============


      Q: What do UFO's and smart sophomores
      at UNC have in common?
      A: You keep hearing about them, but
      never see any.


      ===============






      An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar
      speed checking equipment, drove through
      a school zone within the legal speed limit
      when suddenly the flash of a camera went
      off, taking a picture of his license plate.

      The officer, thinking the radar was in error,
      drove by again; even more slowly. Another
      flash. He did it again for a third time, at an
      even slower speed. Same result. So, he
      made a note to himself to contact the traffic
      department and tell them that their machine
      wasn't working properly.

      A few weeks later, the off-duty police officer
      received an envelope from the police
      department containing three traffic citations,
      each of them were for NOT wearing a seat
      belt.






      ===============






      Which do you think is true about Howdy???
      (Since you asked - one is true)

      25% -Guy 20's - lives in the North Carolina
      9% -Guy 30's - lives in the West
      14% -Guy 40's - married 3 kids - lives in Arizona
      9% -Guy 60's - married 8 kids - lives in South
      7% -Guy 50+ married & retired - 7 kids & 2 grandkids - lives in Florida
      25% -Guy - college student - Large Mid-west University
      3% -Female 20's - married 1 child age 7 mos. - lives in California
      2% -Female 30's - widowed - 2 children - lives in Montana
      1% -Female 40's - married - 3 kids - lives in Oregon
      3% -Female 50+ - widowed - 4 kids & 2 grandkids - lives in Texas






      ===============

      Welcome Home...




      ===============




      History Lesson

      Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

      Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
      John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

      Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
      John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

      Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
      Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

      Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
      Both Presidents were shot in the head.

      Now it gets really weird.

      Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
      Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

      Both were assassinated <br/><br/>(Message over 64 KB, truncated)
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