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***Thought & Humor*** Nov. 6, 2004 Edition - Please Forward To Your Friends/Professor/Mom

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  • letshavefun2day@juno.com
    Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper featuring Thought & Humor by Howdy =============== After spending all day Saturday watching football on television, a UNC
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 4, 2004

                           Welcome to the E-Mail Newspaper 
      'Thought & Humor'
                                                                     by Howdy

      After spending all day Saturday watching football on 
      television, a UNC grad fell asleep and spent the night
      in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning. 
      "It's twenty to seven," she called. 
      "In whose favor?"


      1) I went to the park and there were several boys with their  
         dogs. Counting heads there are 22. Counting legs there are  
         68. How many boys and dogs are at the park?  

      2) Assuming that the vowels are A E I O & U,   
          name a six-letter word that has no vowels?   

      3)  What do you throw out when you want to use it,
           but take in when you don't want to use it?
      4) A word or name that is spelled backwards the same as it is   
      forwards is a linguistic curiosity call a "palindrome." Words  
      such as BIB, SEES, and MADAM are examples of ordinary palin-  
      dromes. Many everyday words happen to be palindromes. Listed  
      below are the definitions of 10 such words, with the numbers  
      of letters in each palindrome shown in brackets after the  
      definition. How many of these commonplace palindromes
      do you recognize from their definitions?  

      A) a notable achievement (4)  
      B) not sloping (5)  
      C) more blood-colored (6)  
      D) 12 hours after midnight (4)  
      E) males and females (5)  
      F) one who resuscitates another (7)  
      G) narratives of heroic deeds (5)  
      H) pertaining to public affairs (5)  
      I) made wet with dew (5)  
      J) a mechanical part that causes rotation (7)  
      5) Can you decipher this famous saying?

      That prudent avis which matutinally
      deserts the coziness of its abode will
      ensnare a vermiculate creature.

      6) What has one leg,
           but not two.
           Never gets fat,
           has 15 teeth,
           but doesn't chew.
           All green and no blue,
           bugs don't like them but I do.
                 What are they?

      7) Without a bridle, or a saddle,
          across a thing I ride a-straddle.
          And those I ride, by help of me,
          though almost blind, are made to see.
                     What am I?

                                              (Answers are located below)
                                                        If you can't find the answers below:


                'Text-Only' Edition has no color cartoon here - and it was funny...
      What has more lives than a cat? A frog. It croaks every night.

      Read what you have time for below
      & save the residuum for a stormy/
      blustery/dilatory interval while
      the charming/exquisite/vernal/
      aestival season is bursting out all
      over. Our goal is to promote a non-
      threatening and productive office 
      & university environment and to
      establish language that is gender-
      neutral, ethnic-neutral, and age-
      neutral while celebrating our spirit  
      of diversity.  

      The police recently busted a man selling ' secret formula'
      tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through
      their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught
      for commiting this same criminal medical fraud.
      He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983...........


      This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
      or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
      warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
      A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
      ahead for your divertissement!?! "UNSUBSCRIBE" communiqué
      located below.
          Even French students can do it...




      The National Park Service has a wealth of information for all of their
      parks. You can search for a park by name or geographic area.
      Each park has its own page with information on hours, accessibility
      and activities. Some have hard-to-find detailed maps.
      So go out and start exploring!
      {Double click this link or copy and paste this link into your Web Browser's address line}


      How it all started...

      The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory.

      An exciting new discovery is about to take place.
      Mr. Bell and his assistant, aman named Watson,
      have been hard at work on Bell's new invention
      to transmit sound over wires.

      As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the
      receiver, he suddenly hears ...

      "Good evening, sir. Are you paying too
      much for your long distance service?"




      Dear Howdy,

      Your newspaper is fun and informative, but I will
      unfortunately no longer have an active e-mail address
      from the end of this week- therefore I must unsubscribe,

      E Miller (Cambridge University)




      Undoubtedly America’s fastest growing sensation online,
      'Thought & Humor' has arrived after winding its way
      through the Internet’s highways and byways to your e-mail
      address. We welcome all our great readers to another unique
      blend of the jocular with provocative rumination for your
      weekly entertainment - usually platitudinous & bromidic 
      but never nefarious, prurient, besmeared, or perfidious
      and delivered gratis to offices, homes & dorms ubiquitously....



      A UNC* sophomore calls Delta Airlines
      and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
      take to fly from Raleigh to New York City?"
      The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
      "Thank you," the sophomore says, and
      hangs up.
      *UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
      Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
      B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., B.R.C.
      (Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898
      for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were
      unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher
      learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.
      Congratulations to UNC for beating the
      University of Miami Hurricanes last
      Saturday (31 - 28).


      "Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved."
          Victor Hugo (1802 - 1885),  Les Miserables, 1862


      Today's quiz is called "Thought for Food." Food labels  
      are changing in look and content due to federal regulations  
      intended for consumer protection. Knowledge of such terms  
      as the ones listed below can help you shop and eat smarter.  
      Take this test to determine if your vocabulary needs enrich-  

      1. organic (adj.) - A: natural. B: synthetic. C: careful.  
      D: toxic.  

      2. nutrient (n.) - A: calorie. B: medicine. C: nourishing  
      food. D: mixture.  

      3. tofu (n.) - A: oriental spice. B: flavoring. C: soybean  
      product. D: cooking procedure.  

      4. cholesterol (n.) - A: poison. B: fat. C: muscle strength.  
      D: nerves.  

      5. vitamin (n.) - A: essential substance. B: mineral.  
      C: digestive aid. D: pep pill.  

      6. megadose (n.) - amount or portion that is A: dispensed  
      intermittently. B: large. C: given once. D: generally pre-  

      7. carbohydrate (n.) - a compound A: produced by plants.  
      B: made artificially. C: high in protein. D: without water.  

      8. beta-carotene (n.) - source of A: vitamin A. B: chloro-  
      phyll. C: calcium. D: sugar.  

      9. ascorbic acid (n.) - A: thiamine. B: bioflavonoid.  
      C: vitamin B-6. D: vitamin C.  

      10. metabolism (n.) A: bacterial growth. B: antibody produc-  
      tion. C: homogenization. D: conversion of food into energy.  

      11. monosodium glutamate (n.) - A: smart drug. B: preser-  
      vative. C: flavor intensifier. D: emulsifier.  

      12. RDA (n.) - acronym for A: Rich Dessert Assessment.  
      B: Related Digestive Abnormality. C: Regional Desalination  
      Allocation. D: Recommended Dietary Allowance.  

      13. plaque (n.) - A: swelling. B: weak spot. C: puncture.  
      D: deposit of fat.  

      14. serotonin (n.) - A: cholesterol-reducing substance.  
      B: chemical. C: artificial sweetener. D: herbal tea.  

      15. gustatory (adj.) - pertaining to A: taste. B: over-  
      eating. C: sourness. D: spicy food.  

      16. amino acids (n.) - A: food preservatives. B: pesticides.  
      C: protein "building blocks." D: cleansing solutions.  

      17. fructose (n.) - A: coloring. B: fruit sugar. C: liquid  
      diet. D: soybean milk.  

      18. gastronomic (adj.) - having to do with A: stomach acid.  
      B: a medical procedure. C: eating well. D: inexpensive food.  

      19. polyunsaturated (adj.) - with fat content that is  
      A: high. B: medium. C: nonexistent. D: low.  

      20. sodium chloride (n.) - A: table salt. B: bubbly drink.  
      C: baking soda. D: antacid.  

                 (Answers below)

      Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love
      and get married. The ceremony wasn't much,
      but the reception was excellent.



      Match the words in the left-hand column with the correct
      definition in the right-hand column. The answer key is
      listed at the bottom of this newsletter.
      1. ananda          A. Of or relating to a stepmother  
      2. bushwa         B. A substance that produces a sensation of  
                                   warmth when applied to a part of the body.  
      3. illation          C. Prudish  
      4. eidetic          D. Marked by extraordinarily accurate and vivid recall  
      5. pinnate         E. Nonsense; bull  
      6. missish        F. To move unsteadily  
      7. wamble        G. Pure bliss  
      8. novercal       H. A boring pest  
      9. nudnik          I. The act of inferring  
      10. calefacient  J. Resembling a feather  

                                 (answers below)                     


      You can listen to great comedy teams like Abbott and Costello or listen
      to a mystery solved by Ellery Queen. Some shows have multiple episodes,
      so you're in for a real treat!
      It may take a few minutes to download the show but it's well worth
      the listen and it's all completely free! 


      Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
      One says, "I've lost my electron."
      The other says, "Are you sure?"
      The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."       


      'Thought & Humor' has been  read in all 50 States,
      70 Countries, 7 Continents, many Island Nations,
      Oxford, Cambridge, every Ivy League School
      & all major American Universities including UNC!!!

      I walked into a coffee shop in Chapel Hill* to find the 
      UNC student behind the counter with a bunch of sponges
      pinned to her uniform.  

      "May I ask the meaning of the sponges?" I asked.  

      The student responded proudly, "My psychology
      professor told our class that it was O.K. to be 
      self-absorbed."      *



      If you would like to write Howdy (he reads all of them),
      send an amicable, meticulous, penurious or factious e-mail to:

       Howdy's address:       your-bestfriend4u@...

      Please tell us your general location (State, School, Country).
      All letters sent to Howdy might be printed unless you
      request otherwise. Letters marked "anonymous" may be
      printed but without the name. Your e-mail address will not
      be shown. Tell us what's happening in your locale!!!

      Dear Howdy, 
      How do you keep a UNC student busy all day? 
      Answer: Put him/her in a round room and tell
      him/her to sit in the corner.

      Johnny A. 


      As one from Texas, "Howdy" is used quite often and not
      just by Aggies from Texas A & M. And since we are on
      the subject, the UNC jokes are the same down here in
      Texas, but we call them Aggie Jokes. So, should I be
      offended too? I think not. Keep up the good work.

      See Ya'll Later.


      Dear Howdy,
      Please check this out:
      Dear Howdy,
      I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation--  
      but I'm not very good at it.
      Arnold B.
      Hi Howdy,
      I have recently changed online services and would like to
      continue receiving T & H. I love your jokes and pass them
      on to others. Thanks a million!

      Dear Howdy,
      I love the newsletter! We're moving and want
      to change our e-mail address from n___@___.com
      n___@y... We are church planting missionaries
      in Puerto Cortes, Honduras. I think that your ministry
      has an incredible outreach potential, and appreciate
      what you are doing for the Lord. Besides that, I enjoy
      your UNC jokes.

      Bryan (Honduras)

      Dear Howdy, 
      I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's
      driving and take advantage of it. I got one of those
      bumper stickers that say "How's my driving?" and
      put a 900 number on it. At 50 cents a call, I've been
      making $38 a week.
      Walter R. 

      Dear Howdy,
      Confusion is one woman plus one left turn;
      Excitement is two women plus one secret; -
      Bedlam is three women plus one bargain;
      Chaos is four women plus one lunch check...
      Susie Q.

      A farmer was driving his horse & buggy through Vance County
      on NC 158 when a UNC student came around a curve at 60mph
      in his corvette. POW! He hit the horse & knocked it down immediately.

      The student scrambled out & queried the farmer, "Do you think
      I hurt him?".

      THe farmer paused & wisely drawled, "Welp, if you did him any
      good, I'd gladly pay ya fer it!"

      rob kelley 

      Dear Howdy,
      If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go  
      through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump  
      through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.   

      Milton J.


      Hello Howdy, 
      I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and  
      I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed."' I said to myself:  
      "How do you think I feel?"
      Arnold B.



      Please note that our policy allows for us to receive threats
      on alternate Tuesdays when the Moon is waning only...

      The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an  
      eye" is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling  
      matches was, "No eye gouging." Everything else was allowed,  
      but the only way to be disqualified is to poke someone's eye out.  

      The two lines that connect your top lip to the bottom of  
      your nose are known as the philtrum.  

      The word "honcho" comes from a Japanese word meaning "squad  
      leader" and first came into usage in the English language  
      during the American occupation of Japan following World War II.  

      The word "coach" is derived from the village of Kocs, Hung-  
      ary, where coaches were invented and first used.  

      The word gargoyle comes down from the Old French: gargouille,  
      meaning throat or gullet. This is also the origin of the  
      word gargle. The word describes the sound produced as water  
      passes the throat and mixes with air. In early architecture,  
      gargoyles were decorative creatures on the drains of cathe-  

      The word 'news' did not come about because it was the plural  
      of 'new.' It came from the first letters of the words North,  
      East, West and South. This was because information was being  
      gathered from all different directions.  

      The word quisling comes from the name of Major Vidkun Quis-  
      ling, a Norwegian who collaborated with the Germans during  
      their occupation of Norway. The word now means "traitor."  

      The ZIP in Zip-code stands for "Zoning Improvement Plan."  

      Theodore Roosevelt was the only U.S. president to deliver an  
      inaugural address without using the word "I". Abraham  
      Lincoln, Franklin D. Roosevelt and Dwight D. Eisenhower tied  
      for second place, using "I" only once in their inaugural  

      There are roughly 6,500 spoken languages in the world today.  
      However, about 2,000 of those languages have fewer than  
      1,000 speakers. The most widely spoken language in the world  
      is Mandarin Chinese. There are 885,000,000 people in China  
      that speak that language.  

      Victor Hugo's Les Miserables contains one of the longest  
      sentences in the French language - 823 words without a  


      (Message over 64 KB, truncated)
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