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rabble with a claus

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  • -halo-
    Alright all you imposters! the real santa has something for all you naughty boys and grrls... a sheet of quaint carols for your perusal and a few jokes to add
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 20, 2003
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      Alright all you imposters!
      the real santa has something for
      all you naughty boys and grrls...
      a sheet of quaint carols for your
      perusal and a few jokes to add
      to the in-santa-ty...

      ************Christmas Carols**************

      Twelve Days of Christmas
      Lyrics by Peter Doty

      On the first day home for Christmas my mother said to me:
      1. You haven't got a decent thing to wear.
      2. You've put on some weight.
      3. You should get a job.
      4. Visit your Aunt Rosie.
      5. Still no girlfriend?
      6. What's that in your suitcase?
      7. You smoke marijuana.
      8. Ester has two children.
      9. Are you still on food stamps?
      10. Herbie's getting married.
      11. Your life is a disaster.
      12. Both of us still love you.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire

      Chipmunks roasting on an open fire,
      Jack Frost ripping up your nose.
      Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire,
      And folks dressed up like buffaloes.
      Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow,
      Helps to make the season right.
      Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out,
      Will find it hard to see tonight.
      They know that Santa's on his way,
      He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh.
      And every mother's child is sure to spy,
      To see if reindeer really scream when they die.
      And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
      To kids from one to ninety two.
      Although it's been said many times, many ways,
      Merry Christmas,
      Merry Christmas,
      Merry Christmas,
      Fuck you!
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Deck My Balls

      Deck my balls with boughs of holly,
      Fa la la la la, la la la.
      Tap the keg, inflate the dolly,
      Fa la la la la, la la la.

      Don we now our rubber panties,
      Fa la la la la, la la la.
      We're a bunch of twisted Santies,
      Fa la la la la, la la la.

      Naughty girls are such a treasure,
      Fa la la la la, la la la.
      These North Poles were made for pleasure,
      Fa la la la la, la la la.

      Fucked the elves, fucked all the reindeer,
      Fa la la la la, la la la.
      Fuck the cookies, bring us COLD BEER! Fa la la la la, la la la.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Silver Shells

      City sidewalks, bloody sidewalks,
      slick with holiday gore,
      in the air there's a smell of explosives. Children wailing, people
      screaming,
      as they run for their lives,
      from the gunman who has taken the store.

      Silver bells, shotgun shells,
      It's Christmas time in the city.
      Rink ka-chink, hear them ring,
      Today is your last Christmas day.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------


      When the Saints Come Marching In

      Oh when the saints,
      come marching in,
      all wearing red and drinking gin.
      You'd better stand back, Mr. Shopper,
      When the saints come marching in.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------


      The Christmas Song

      Claymore bursting on perimeters,
      shrapnel ripping through the snow,
      Santa Claus clutching a hole in his side,
      and elf parts with mistletoe.

      Looks like Santa didn't know the password,
      or maybe Rudolph tripped a wire,
      there's bloody toys and goodies,
      all roasting in the fire,
      in what was Santa's sleigh.

      Napalm streaming out of F-16s,
      tracers light up the sky,
      that'll teach you a lesson, you fat S.O.B.,
      Merry Christmas, now die!
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------


      White Christmas

      I'm dreaming of a white Christmas,
      just like the ones I used to know.
      Where the tree stumps glisten,
      and the children listen,
      on cell phones for good deals on blow.

      Everybody knows,
      somebody with missing teeth.
      Piles of trash out on the lawn,
      tiny tots beaten black and blue,
      and Mama selling men her soul.

      Street gangs drive by and open fire,
      officer blue blows off your nose.
      And though it has been sad,
      many hours of the day,
      Scary Christmas to you.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Favorite Things

      Halogen uplights and big-muscled fellas
      Pink puffy draperies and drinks with umbrellas
      Brown Puerto Rican boys tied up with string
      These are a few of my favorite things

      Penthouse magazine and silicone breasts
      Girls dressed in leather with tatoos on their chests
      Blonde lesbo orgies, a quick mid-day fling,
      These are a few of my favorite things.

      When the whip cracks (oww)
      When the cane stings (ooo)
      When I'm feeling bad
      I just think of a few of my favorite things,
      And then I get hard...for Dad.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      ******************Santa Jokes*******************


      * What's the perfect Christmas gift for the person who has
      everything?
      A broad spectrum antibiotic.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      * Why do women love Santa Claus?
      He comes only once a year, but when he does, he fills their
      stockings!
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      * Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper that sold his
      soul to Santa?
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      * We were so poor when I was young that we couldn't afford
      ornaments for our Christmas tree. We had to sit around and wait
      for Grandpa to sneeze.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      * What do you call Santa's Helpers?
      Subordinate clauses.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      * All I want for Christmas is a box of Smurfs and a mallet.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      * What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?
      Cancer.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      * What does Santa call reindeer that don't work?
      Dinner.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      * What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male
      reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
      They go into town and blow a few bucks.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      * Did you ever hear of Adolph the brown-nosed reindeer?
      He could run as fast as Rudolf, he just couldn't stop as fast.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      * Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at
      Christmas time?
      Because they were originally made for children but the father
      wants to play with them.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      * Why doesn't Santa have any children?
      Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's
      down the chimney.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      * How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
      They both have ornamental balls.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      * Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
      You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      * Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
      Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      * What do you call 12 days of blowjobs during the holiday
      season?
      Hanukah Lewinski
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      * A little boy had been waiting in a long line to sit on Saint
      Nick's lap. He finally gets his shot and climbs up. Santa says,
      (touching the little boy on the nose with his finger) "I'll bet you'd
      like a puppy for Christmas."

      The boy shakes his head, "No."

      Santa: (Touching the little boy on the nose with his finger again)
      Well, then I'll bet you'd like a kitten for Christmas.

      The boy again shakes his head, "No."

      Santa: Then what would you like for Christmas, little boy?

      Boy: I want some pussy!

      Santa: (Startled & almost speechless) Well, I don't have any of
      that!

      Boy: (Touching Saint Nick on nose) Yes you do, because I can
      smell it on your fingers!
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      * What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
      Snowballs.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      * How do you know you're a redneck?
      Your truck has a nativity scene on the dashboard.
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------
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