Here is a cross post from the group, Escape From the Fellowship
Here is a post by icdeadworks, which she wrote in response to a message I had written.
"Everybody's road is different, and it is good to have personal goals
of recovery, and becoming the person you want to be. Although I have
been beaten down, I still am optimistic about the future." (Ken Haining)
Yeah. Exactly. No matter how bleak it may look some days as long as
I still have breath it's not over for me.
I am very lucky in that I never found myself out on the pioneer
field. My husband has never been 'called' to preach, although that
was used as a manipulative tool to get him to respond and do certian
things or make certain decisions. My most important goal was that I
didn't want to be the girl I was when I left CFM. I was crying all
the time, terrified of Scott & Mitchell, I was an absolute mess. The
way I was treated by my church for not having the physical ability
to do things expected of me totally broke my heart.
My career or any hopes of a career at this point in my life are in
the toilet because of my health. It has literally come to a
screeching halt including not just working but personal interest and
hobbies. Even if I could work 2 hours a day in a day care wiping
baby butts and picking the nose of a two year old I'd take it. The
girl I wanted to be was someone who had come to terms with who CFM
is, who and what Scott is and not be afraid anymore, to be able to
wake in the morning and the plans of my day be on the forefront of
my mind and not wake to a sense of raw nerves and moral violation. I
was tiered of panicing every time I ran into someone from CFM. Just
as rdm said, I know I did my best and I know I did and tried to
contribute to the whole of my church with my heart in the right
place. Obeying the letter of the cfm 'law' working with what I had
and what I was taught.
Over these nine months I have look back and cringed over some things
I did like trying to make my husband feel guilty for not going on
outreach or getting involved in Sat. night scenes. I had a 'whisper'
in my ear telling me he was luke warm and had a hurdle in his way
that he could never seem to get over and get passed. He was not all
the way on fire for God. But now I see and recently told him how
horribly sorry I am that I did that and listened to that 'whisper'
and how much I admire him and respect him because when all the rest
of us 'on fire' dolts were out doing our wonderous works he was home
tending to things he needed to tend to or relaxing after a week long
stint working outside in the Arizona heat all the while saying "I'm
not going to do these things just to make everyone happy for seeing
me do them". I recently told him that he was the smart one. He held
his ground and never ever allowed anyone to remove from him the
truth that who is before God is simply before God and not men. DANG!
What a guy. He has long stopped going to our former little church
and although he has had to overcome some things too I asked him why
he stopped going and he told me "because I chose my marriage over a
church". The best thing that ever happened to my marriage was
leaving CFM. I now see him for the man he is and not through the
prescribed CFM view of who he should be which used to make me sad
and disappointed that I didn't have an 'on fire' leadership material
husband. But I tell ya, he was definately the smart one! me? ...
duhhhh... insert finger in nose..
My personal goals of recovery and the person I wanted to be had
nothing to do with the outward things such as job, relationships or
all that. I was willing to take whatever came my way just not the
horror and nightmare of having such a gross monster like Scott lamb
on my tail and the lying prick like Mitchell covering him influence
my life. FEMA, Blanco and Nagin have more integrity and heart than
Mitchell will ever even brush up against or pass on a highway going
the opposite direction. Seeing CFM for what it really is and talking
about it has helped me a great deal in coming to terms with some
things and be able to move on and do what I like to do. I love RDMs
post. I really do. I'm doing this and I'm doing that and shove it up
your ass as opposed to 'I hope no one ever sees me or I'll be sermon
material'. Truth is I KNOW by now we have been preached about.
Ironically, upon departure my husband had his own business up and
going. Today, instead of eating $1.00 frozen buritos nuked in the
microwave we can eat dinner out at a pretty nice place and not take
the hit in our wallet. How many sermons have been preached on the
guy who found 'success' and it derailed him off his calling? Pft. So
lame. So so freaking lame.
Nine months ago I shuddered at the thought of being sermon material
and it scared me. Today? Just like you said to me once Ken, the more
distance I've put between myself and the little cult CFM the more my
eyes will be opened to and things will come alot more clearer. You
were right. Thank God. You were right. When I first was shopping
around for a TV my husband was in CFM program mode all against it
and I said to him "what, you still are afraid of them? I'm not. It's
a cult." His eyes grew wide and he said "I knew once you started
reading Slam The Door you would start to think that!". I laughed and
truthfully told him "I've known for years. I've just tolerated their
crap, hoping along with alot of people in it that one day it would
get better and get right but instead one day all their crap got a
little too personal for me". That was about five months ago. This
past week and this week he is shopping for a new tv so we can put
the smaller 20" screen I bought in the guest room we're setting up
for family to stay in when they come visit us this holiday season.
The guy is going large and I'm silently getting a real kick out of
him. He has his eye on a 40" plasma screen that you mount on the
wall. I'd venture to say that he has gotten over some things too.
The person I wanted to be one day after leaving CFM is the girl who
used to laugh and enjoy lifes smallest things. I wanted peace in my
heart and as I once posted, while I was still in CFM about a year
before I left it was as if something had been stolen from me and I
wanted it back. I never ever wanted to go on in life and be someone
so deeply affected by CFM that I would never trust. ...it will
probably be a long long time before I trust a 'pastor' ever agian
but that's ok. Gods helping me.
I told my cousin recently who just divorced a crack addict for
abandonment that she should never apologize or feel bad for loving
someone so messed up. I told her she could be a cold, hateful girl
everynight she went to bed and never care and never be one to
contribute to the betterment of herself or anyone around her or she
could go to bed a person that loved, gives of herself, knows how to
give of herself and inspite of other people never regret or
apologize for being someone who does. "Which one would you rather
be?" I asked her. She chose the latter and so have I.
September 29, 2005