skeptical - warning
- this is cute
Don't go to the bathroom on October 29th. CIA intelligence reports
that a major plot is planned for that day. Anyone who takes a poop
on the 29th will be bitten on the ass by an alligator. Reports
indicate that organized groups of alligators are planning to rise up
into unsuspecting American's toilet bowls and bite them when they are
doing their dirty business.
I usually don't send emails like this, but I got this information
from a reliable source. It came from a friend of a friend whose
cousin is dating this girl whose brother knows this guy whose wife
knows this lady whose husband buys hotdogs from this guy who knows a
a shoeshine guy who shines the shoes of a mailroom worker who has a
friend who's drug dealer sells drugs to another mailroom worker who
works in the CIA building. He apparently overheard two guys talking
in the bathroom about alligators and came to the conclusion that we
are going to be attacked. So it must be true
it does amaze me that people only seem to fear the newest way to die
regardless of probability. In the time one person has died from Anthrax,
there would have been the following estimated US moralities:
5 - lightening
1 - idiots pulling soda machines down on themselves
1162 - auto fatalities
16,000 - cigarette related deaths
400 - ALS deaths
The fact is that living is actually a dangerous activity. The following table
Your Lifetime Death Risks;
Being Murdered in the U.S. - 1 in 150.
Dying from heart disease - 1 in 6.
Being Killed by Someone's Dog - 1 in 700,000.
Being Killed by your own dog - 1 in 260,000.
Being Killed in a Bicycle Accident - 1 in 88,000.
Death by Lightning in the U.S.- 1 in 17,400.
Death by Flesh Eating Disease - 1 in 1,000,000.
Death by a Bee Sting - 1 in 70,500.
Dying in the Bathtub - 1 in 12,800.
Being Killed by a Falling Object - 1 in 4,400.
Being Killed by a Falling Aircraft - 1 in 320,000.
Dying of Cancer - 1 in 3.
Death by Cigarettes (1 pack a day) - 1 in 3.
Dying by Living With a Cigarette Smoker - 1 in 4,200.
Dying by Working 20 Years in a Coal Mine - 1 in 23.
Killed Commuting by Bicycle (10km a day for 10 years) - 1
Killed In an Auto Accident (18,000km per year) - 1 in 75.
Killed Travelling by Jet (10,000km per year) - 1 in 2,700.
Death by Big City Air Pollution (lifetime exposure) - 1 in
Death by Eating Peanut Butter (average lifetime
consumption) - 1 in 3,300.
Death by Diet Sodas (200 sodas a year) - 1 in 3,000.
Death by Living Within 8km of a Nuclear Reactor - 1 in
Dying from an earthquake or volcano - 1 in 140,000.
Dying from leaking gas - 1 in 155,000.
Dying from a snakebite - 1 in 460,000.
Drinking detergent and dying - 1 in 295,000.
A fatal skull fracture while falling out of bed - 1 in 255.
A fatal elevator ride - 1 in 77,000.
Dying from heart disease - 1 in 6.
Freezing to death - 1 in 10,000.
Committing suicide - 1 in 71.
Dying while mountain climbing - 1 in 5 (per mountain
Dying while hang gliding - 1 in 133 (per hang gliding
Dying while skydiving - 1 in 86,000 jumps.
Dying while auto racing - 1 in 90 (per racing lifetime).
Dying while motorcycling - 1 in 30 (per motorcycling
Dying while running - 1 in 180.
Dying while boating or swimming - 1 in 460.
Dying while playing football - 1 in 1,700 (per football
Dying while bicycling - 1 in 8,700.
Dying in the next 24 hours (from all causes at age 45) -
1 in 11,000.
Dying sometime - 100%.
Other Non-Death Risks;
Contracting an infection during a stay at a U.S. hospital
- 1 in 15.
Injuring yourself while shaving seriously enough to require
medical attention - 1 in 93 (lifetime risk).
If you're a minor, being kidnapped by a stranger - 1 in
560 (annual risk).
If you're a minor, being kidnapped by a family member
- 1 in 180 (annual risk).
Having your car stolen - 1 in 152 (annual risk).
Having your bicycle stolen - 1 in 280 (annual risk).
Having your wallet or purse stolen - 1 in 23 (lifetime
Going to prison - 1 in 2.2 (lifetime risk).
Getting fat - 1 in 4 (lifetime risk).
Being injured by your toilet bowl cleaner - 1 in 2,230
Getting food poisoning - 1 in 8 (annual risk).
A nice upshot of being skeptical and rational, is being less likely to fixate
on some "fear du jour" is just not likely.