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Composition criticism

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  • Tatsushu .
    Okay, it is hard to try and learn classical Japanese, but I figure you can t really learn anything if you don t get corrected. So, fearful though I am of my
    Message 1 of 3 , Apr 3, 2002
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      Okay, it is hard to try and learn classical Japanese, but I figure you can't
      really learn anything if you don't get corrected. So, fearful though I am
      of my limited knowledge, I would like to submit the following tanka:

      Yamazaki ni kaze soyogeredo no no uhe ni
      chikara wo dasaba ushinawamu kana.

      Does it make any sense? I was thinking of:

      I wonder, though from the top of the mountain the wind rustles over the
      fields,
      When it exerts its strength, it will not succeed (will lose).

      I should just mention that this was inspired by a growing altercation (of
      the friendly SCA sort) between Windmasters' Hill and the Barony of Stierbach
      (German for 'Bull Run'--hence, 'ushi').

      Comments on what I did wrong are appreciated.

      -Ii

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    • Anthony J. Bryant
      ... It s a good effort, but I think it has a few small glitches. It looks to me more like Although the wind rustles on the mountain slopes, if I exert my
      Message 2 of 3 , Apr 5, 2002
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        "Tatsushu ." wrote:

        > Okay, it is hard to try and learn classical Japanese, but I figure you can't
        > really learn anything if you don't get corrected. So, fearful though I am
        > of my limited knowledge, I would like to submit the following tanka:
        >
        > Yamazaki ni kaze soyogeredo no no uhe ni
        > chikara wo dasaba ushinawamu kana.
        >
        > Does it make any sense? I was thinking of:
        >
        > I wonder, though from the top of the mountain the wind rustles over the
        > fields,
        > When it exerts its strength, it will not succeed (will lose).

        It's a good effort, but I think it has a few small glitches.

        It looks to me more like "Although the wind rustles on the mountain slopes, if
        I exert my strength in the field I wonder if I will lose it."

        I don't know why, but it seems like there's a break in subject between the
        first two lines (Yamazaki ni kaze soyogeredo) and the rest. I think the problem
        is that there's no direct connection between the wind and the force. Something
        like "sono chikara," or "sa chikara" would help.

        "Ushinafu" is, of course, "nakusu" -- to misplace or to lose (something), not
        lose in the sense of win/lose, so that's a problem.

        If you want mountain top or peak you'd want "mine" or "yama no itadaki" (the
        latter is fortunately seven mora, but leaves no room for a locative particle).

        Yamakaze wa
        chikara aredomo,
        no ni tsuku to,
        sa chikara sude-ni
        ushinawamu ka na.

        "Although mountain winds have strength, I wonder if they lose that strength
        when they reache the fields."

        Now, to parse that, for those who want to know:

        Yamakaze (noun: Mountain wind)
        wa (subject marker)
        chikara (noun: strength)
        aredomo (verb: "ari" [to be] in izenkei, with suffix "domo" [although])
        no (noun: field)
        ni (locative particle)
        tsuku (verb: reach, arrive at)
        to (quotative particle)
        sa ("that")
        chikara (noun: strength)
        sude-ni (particle combination: "completely, all together")
        ushinawamu (verb: ushinafu [to lose] in mizenkei, with suffix "mu" [indicating
        future hypothetical])
        ka na (particle combination: "I wonder...")

        Effingham
      • Tatsushu .
        ... That s what I thought. ... gotcha. ... Yes, this was a stretch to attempt a pun on ushi , since I am in the Barony of Stierbach (Stierbach=Bull Run). ...
        Message 3 of 3 , Apr 5, 2002
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          >It's a good effort, but I think it has a few small glitches.

          That's what I thought.

          >It looks to me more like "Although the wind rustles on the mountain slopes,
          >if
          >I exert my strength in the field I wonder if I will lose it."
          >
          >I don't know why, but it seems like there's a break in subject between the
          >first two lines (Yamazaki ni kaze soyogeredo) and the rest. I think the
          >problem
          >is that there's no direct connection between the wind and the force.
          >Something
          >like "sono chikara," or "sa chikara" would help.

          gotcha.

          >"Ushinafu" is, of course, "nakusu" -- to misplace or to lose (something),
          >not
          >lose in the sense of win/lose, so that's a problem.

          Yes, this was a stretch to attempt a pun on 'ushi', since I am in the Barony
          of Stierbach (Stierbach=Bull Run).

          >If you want mountain top or peak you'd want "mine" or "yama no itadaki"
          >(the
          >latter is fortunately seven mora, but leaves no room for a locative
          >particle).

          But how important is the locative particle? It seems that they can be
          implied, if it is necessary, just like you can add a few syllables to lines
          as 'emphasis' that really just seems to pull it out to the proper length.

          >Yamakaze wa
          >chikara aredomo,
          >no ni tsuku to,
          >sa chikara sude-ni
          >ushinawamu ka na.
          >
          >"Although mountain winds have strength, I wonder if they lose that strength
          >when they reache the fields."

          This is why I need to learn more. Unfortunately, I don't know of any good
          classes on tanka here in the area, so I have to struggle.


          Just because I'm a glutton for punishment, I'll throw another attempt out
          there:

          Yama no uhe
          kurashiki kumoi
          atumaru to
          kaminari no koe
          na wo agekeri zo

          Just another one to get torn apart.

          -Ii


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