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Re: Re Another Renhai---vaughn/gillena

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  • gillena2001
    I like this combo best; the jutaposition of contrasting and resulting actions, t he wind rising the blossom falling this really resonates the activity in the
    Message 1 of 12 , May 1, 2008
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      I like this combo best;  the jutaposition of contrasting  and resulting actions, t
      he wind rising the blossom falling
      this really resonates the activity in the park, the morning progressing, people still
      on their way to work,  and there are the early birds like myself
      returning from an errand;

      i'll linger in the Park a while,
      link you to the park haibun style
         http://tinyurl.com/5ao3oe

      how do you feel about these

      Woodford Square --
      the hurried stance of
      persons going to work

      Ah, a poui blossom falls -
      rising gust of warm air.

      OR

      through Woodford Square --
      persons hurrying to
      get to work on time


      much love
      gillena

      Ah, a poui blossom falls -
      rising gust of warm air.

      2 added themes  POSTURE, MOVEMENT,

      much love
      gillena

      *


      --- In renhai@yahoogroups.com, "Vaughn Seward" <vaughn@...> wrote:
      >
      > Gillena,
      >
      > Ah, a poui blossom falls
      >
      > I have been meditating on this line and I am becoming quite fond of
      > it. And here is what has come to me:
      >
      > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
      > rising warm gust.
      >
      > or:
      >
      > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
      > rising warm breeze.
      >
      > I think this needs to be the second line. I like how this juxtaposes
      > providing the reader with a little insight to be discovered (that for
      > a moment the blossom perhaps is lifted a bit before eventually
      > reaching its earthward destiny).
      >
      > This line feels a bit on the short side and an "a" seems to fit in the
      > 2nd line:
      >
      > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
      > a rising warm gust.
      >
      > But this has two a's, hmmm... maybe:
      >
      > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
      > rising gust of warm air.
      >
      > Vaughn
      >
      > --- In renhai@yahoogroups.com, "gillena2001" bgeecee@ wrote:
      > >
      > >
      > > Actually, i was thinking with the comma placed, but not sure whether
      > > a pause would be acceptable in the Line 1 and 2; since it could be
      > > interpreted as a kire; but yes, i too would place the comma there;
      > > if the Form accepts it as a grammatical punctiuation, more so than a
      > > kire
      > >
      > > much love
      > >
      > > gillena
      > >
      >

    • Vaughn Seward
      ... resulting ... progressing, ... Gillena, ... I m not sure about stance though. The on-line dictionary says: Stance = The attitude or position of a
      Message 2 of 12 , May 1, 2008
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        --- In renhai@yahoogroups.com, "gillena2001" <bgeecee@...> wrote:
        > I like this combo best;  the jutaposition of contrasting  and resulting
        > actions, t
        > he wind rising the blossom falling
        > this really resonates the activity in the park, the morning progressing,
        > people still
        > on their way to work,  and there are the early birds like myself
        > returning from an errand;
        >
        > i'll linger in the Park a while,
        > link you to the park haibun style   http://tinyurl.com/5ao3oe
        > <http://tinyurl.com/5ao3oe>
        >
        > how do you feel about these
        >
        > Woodford Square --
        > the hurried stance of
        > persons going to work
        >
        > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
        > rising gust of warm air.
        >
        > OR
        >
        > through Woodford Square --
        > persons hurrying to
        > get to work on time
        >
        >
        > much love
        > gillena
        >
        > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
        > rising gust of warm air.
        >
        > 2 added themes  POSTURE, MOVEMENT,
        >
        > much love
        > gillena

        Gillena,

        Of these two, I like:

        > Woodford Square --
        > the hurried stance of
        > persons going to work
        >
        > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
        > rising gust of warm air.


        I'm not sure about "stance" though. The on-line dictionary says:

        Stance = "The attitude or position of a standing person or animal, especially the position assumed by an athlete preparatory to action."

        So the idea of standing still seems to conflict with hurrying (walking / riding) to work. Maybe a word like "motion"?

        Also, some folks reading this might find it distracting to see "of" as the last word on a line. Another minor point: do you know that everyone is going to work? Maybe some are going to school, or going to visit someone, or walking to the store/market? Could you just say something like, "on their way"?

        I see the following possible links/themes:

        Motion: rushing to work / falling blossom & blowing breeze
        Shapes: Square / Round blossom (I think)

        Of these two, I think motion would make the better link and Shapes a better theme. The third verse, for example, could have something involving a triangle shape.

        Do you see any others?

        Thanks,
        Vaughn

      • gillena2001
        Off Course!!!! that s the word i was looking for motion Woodford Square -- the hurried motion of persons going to work Ah, a poui blossom falls - rising gust
        Message 3 of 12 , May 1, 2008
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          Off Course!!!! that's the word i was looking for  motion

          Woodford Square --
           the hurried motion of
           persons going to work

          Ah, a poui blossom falls -
          rising gust of warm air.

          The blossoms are trumpet shaped

          More themes --wide open spaces, throng, trees, purpose, destination, sway

          WHAT SAY YOU ...........and V3 to you

          much love

          gillena

          *

          --- In renhai@yahoogroups.com, "Vaughn Seward" <vaughn@...> wrote:
          >
          > --- In renhai@yahoogroups.com, "gillena2001" bgeecee@ wrote:
          > > I like this combo best; the jutaposition of contrasting and
          > resulting
          > > actions, t
          > > he wind rising the blossom falling
          > > this really resonates the activity in the park, the morning
          > progressing,
          > > people still
          > > on their way to work, and there are the early birds like myself
          > > returning from an errand;
          > >
          > > i'll linger in the Park a while,
          > > link you to the park haibun style http://tinyurl.com/5ao3oe
          > > <http://tinyurl.com/5ao3oe>
          > >
          > > how do you feel about these
          > >
          > > Woodford Square --
          > > the hurried stance of
          > > persons going to work
          > >
          > > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
          > > rising gust of warm air.
          > >
          > > OR
          > >
          > > through Woodford Square --
          > > persons hurrying to
          > > get to work on time
          > >
          > >
          > > much love
          > > gillena
          > >
          > > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
          > > rising gust of warm air.
          > >
          > > 2 added themes POSTURE, MOVEMENT,
          > >
          > > much love
          > > gillena
          >
          > Gillena,
          >
          > Of these two, I like:
          >
          > > Woodford Square --
          > > the hurried stance of
          > > persons going to work
          > >
          > > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
          > > rising gust of warm air.
          >
          > I'm not sure about "stance" though. The on-line dictionary says:
          >
          > Stance = "The attitude or position of a standing person or animal,
          > especially the position assumed by an athlete preparatory to action."
          >
          > So the idea of standing still seems to conflict with hurrying (walking /
          > riding) to work. Maybe a word like "motion"?
          >
          > Also, some folks reading this might find it distracting to see "of" as
          > the last word on a line. Another minor point: do you know that everyone
          > is going to work? Maybe some are going to school, or going to visit
          > someone, or walking to the store/market? Could you just say something
          > like, "on their way"?
          >
          > I see the following possible links/themes:
          >
          > Motion: rushing to work / falling blossom & blowing breeze
          > Shapes: Square / Round blossom (I think)
          >
          > Of these two, I think motion would make the better link and Shapes a
          > better theme. The third verse, for example, could have something
          > involving a triangle shape.
          >
          > Do you see any others?
          >
          > Thanks,
          > Vaughn
          >

        • Vaughn Seward
          Okay, good. To avoid the of at the end L2, what do you think of: The hurried motion of persons going to work - Woodford Square. Vaughn
          Message 4 of 12 , May 1, 2008
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            Okay, good. To avoid the "of" at the end L2, what do you think of:

            The hurried motion
            of persons going to work -
            Woodford Square.

            Vaughn

            --- In renhai@yahoogroups.com, "gillena2001" <bgeecee@...> wrote:
            >
            >
            > Off Course!!!! that's the word i was looking for motion
            >
            > Woodford Square --
            > the hurried motion of
            > persons going to work
            >
            > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
            > rising gust of warm air.
            >
            >
            > The blossoms are trumpet shaped
            >
            > More themes --wide open spaces, throng, trees, purpose, destination,
            > sway
            >
            > WHAT SAY YOU ...........and V3 to you
            >
            > much love
            >
            > gillena
            >
            > *
            > --- In renhai@yahoogroups.com, "Vaughn Seward" <vaughn@> wrote:
            > >
            > > --- In renhai@yahoogroups.com, "gillena2001" bgeecee@ wrote:
            > > > I like this combo best; the jutaposition of contrasting and
            > > resulting
            > > > actions, t
            > > > he wind rising the blossom falling
            > > > this really resonates the activity in the park, the morning
            > > progressing,
            > > > people still
            > > > on their way to work, and there are the early birds like myself
            > > > returning from an errand;
            > > >
            > > > i'll linger in the Park a while,
            > > > link you to the park haibun style http://tinyurl.com/5ao3oe
            > > > <http://tinyurl.com/5ao3oe>
            > > >
            > > > how do you feel about these
            > > >
            > > > Woodford Square --
            > > > the hurried stance of
            > > > persons going to work
            > > >
            > > > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
            > > > rising gust of warm air.
            > > >
            > > > OR
            > > >
            > > > through Woodford Square --
            > > > persons hurrying to
            > > > get to work on time
            > > >
            > > >
            > > > much love
            > > > gillena
            > > >
            > > > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
            > > > rising gust of warm air.
            > > >
            > > > 2 added themes POSTURE, MOVEMENT,
            > > >
            > > > much love
            > > > gillena
            > >
            > > Gillena,
            > >
            > > Of these two, I like:
            > >
            > > > Woodford Square --
            > > > the hurried stance of
            > > > persons going to work
            > > >
            > > > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
            > > > rising gust of warm air.
            > >
            > > I'm not sure about "stance" though. The on-line dictionary says:
            > >
            > > Stance = "The attitude or position of a standing person or animal,
            > > especially the position assumed by an athlete preparatory to action."
            > >
            > > So the idea of standing still seems to conflict with hurrying (walking
            > /
            > > riding) to work. Maybe a word like "motion"?
            > >
            > > Also, some folks reading this might find it distracting to see "of" as
            > > the last word on a line. Another minor point: do you know that
            > everyone
            > > is going to work? Maybe some are going to school, or going to visit
            > > someone, or walking to the store/market? Could you just say something
            > > like, "on their way"?
            > >
            > > I see the following possible links/themes:
            > >
            > > Motion: rushing to work / falling blossom & blowing breeze
            > > Shapes: Square / Round blossom (I think)
            > >
            > > Of these two, I think motion would make the better link and Shapes a
            > > better theme. The third verse, for example, could have something
            > > involving a triangle shape.
            > >
            > > Do you see any others?
            > >
            > > Thanks,
            > > Vaughn
            > >
            >
          • gillena2001
            Nice tweak Now why didn t i think of that much love gillena * ... action. ... (walking ... of as ... visit ... something ... a
            Message 5 of 12 , May 2, 2008
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              Nice tweak

              Now why didn't i think of that

              much love

              gillena

              *

              --- In renhai@yahoogroups.com, "Vaughn Seward" <vaughn@...> wrote:
              >
              > Okay, good. To avoid the "of" at the end L2, what do you think of:
              >
              > The hurried motion
              > of persons going to work -
              > Woodford Square.
              >
              > Vaughn
              >
              > --- In renhai@yahoogroups.com, "gillena2001" bgeecee@ wrote:
              > >
              > >
              > > Off Course!!!! that's the word i was looking for motion
              > >
              > > Woodford Square --
              > > the hurried motion of
              > > persons going to work
              > >
              > > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
              > > rising gust of warm air.
              > >
              > >
              > > The blossoms are trumpet shaped
              > >
              > > More themes --wide open spaces, throng, trees, purpose, destination,
              > > sway
              > >
              > > WHAT SAY YOU ...........and V3 to you
              > >
              > > much love
              > >
              > > gillena
              > >
              > > *
              > > --- In renhai@yahoogroups.com, "Vaughn Seward" <vaughn@> wrote:
              > > >
              > > > --- In renhai@yahoogroups.com, "gillena2001" bgeecee@ wrote:
              > > > > I like this combo best; the jutaposition of contrasting and
              > > > resulting
              > > > > actions, t
              > > > > he wind rising the blossom falling
              > > > > this really resonates the activity in the park, the morning
              > > > progressing,
              > > > > people still
              > > > > on their way to work, and there are the early birds like myself
              > > > > returning from an errand;
              > > > >
              > > > > i'll linger in the Park a while,
              > > > > link you to the park haibun style http://tinyurl.com/5ao3oe
              > > > > <http://tinyurl.com/5ao3oe>
              > > > >
              > > > > how do you feel about these
              > > > >
              > > > > Woodford Square --
              > > > > the hurried stance of
              > > > > persons going to work
              > > > >
              > > > > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
              > > > > rising gust of warm air.
              > > > >
              > > > > OR
              > > > >
              > > > > through Woodford Square --
              > > > > persons hurrying to
              > > > > get to work on time
              > > > >
              > > > >
              > > > > much love
              > > > > gillena
              > > > >
              > > > > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
              > > > > rising gust of warm air.
              > > > >
              > > > > 2 added themes POSTURE, MOVEMENT,
              > > > >
              > > > > much love
              > > > > gillena
              > > >
              > > > Gillena,
              > > >
              > > > Of these two, I like:
              > > >
              > > > > Woodford Square --
              > > > > the hurried stance of
              > > > > persons going to work
              > > > >
              > > > > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
              > > > > rising gust of warm air.
              > > >
              > > > I'm not sure about "stance" though. The on-line dictionary says:
              > > >
              > > > Stance = "The attitude or position of a standing person or animal,
              > > > especially the position assumed by an athlete preparatory to action."
              > > >
              > > > So the idea of standing still seems to conflict with hurrying (walking
              > > /
              > > > riding) to work. Maybe a word like "motion"?
              > > >
              > > > Also, some folks reading this might find it distracting to see "of" as
              > > > the last word on a line. Another minor point: do you know that
              > > everyone
              > > > is going to work? Maybe some are going to school, or going to visit
              > > > someone, or walking to the store/market? Could you just say something
              > > > like, "on their way"?
              > > >
              > > > I see the following possible links/themes:
              > > >
              > > > Motion: rushing to work / falling blossom & blowing breeze
              > > > Shapes: Square / Round blossom (I think)
              > > >
              > > > Of these two, I think motion would make the better link and Shapes a
              > > > better theme. The third verse, for example, could have something
              > > > involving a triangle shape.
              > > >
              > > > Do you see any others?
              > > >
              > > > Thanks,
              > > > Vaughn
              > > >
              > >
              >

            • Vaughn Seward
              ... I will start thinking about the last verse. Vaughn
              Message 6 of 12 , May 2, 2008
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                :-)

                I will start thinking about the last verse.

                Vaughn

                --- In renhai@yahoogroups.com, "gillena2001" <bgeecee@...> wrote:
                >
                >
                > Nice tweak
                >
                > Now why didn't i think of that
                >
                > much love
                >
                > gillena
                >
                > *
                > --- In renhai@yahoogroups.com, "Vaughn Seward" <vaughn@> wrote:
                > >
                > > Okay, good. To avoid the "of" at the end L2, what do you think of:
                > >
                > > The hurried motion
                > > of persons going to work -
                > > Woodford Square.
                > >
                > > Vaughn
                > >
                > > --- In renhai@yahoogroups.com, "gillena2001" bgeecee@ wrote:
                > > >
                > > >
                > > > Off Course!!!! that's the word i was looking for motion
                > > >
                > > > Woodford Square --
                > > > the hurried motion of
                > > > persons going to work
                > > >
                > > > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
                > > > rising gust of warm air.
                > > >
                > > >
                > > > The blossoms are trumpet shaped
                > > >
                > > > More themes --wide open spaces, throng, trees, purpose, destination,
                > > > sway
                > > >
                > > > WHAT SAY YOU ...........and V3 to you
                > > >
                > > > much love
                > > >
                > > > gillena
                > > >
                > > > *
                > > > --- In renhai@yahoogroups.com, "Vaughn Seward" <vaughn@> wrote:
                > > > >
                > > > > --- In renhai@yahoogroups.com, "gillena2001" bgeecee@ wrote:
                > > > > > I like this combo best; the jutaposition of contrasting and
                > > > > resulting
                > > > > > actions, t
                > > > > > he wind rising the blossom falling
                > > > > > this really resonates the activity in the park, the morning
                > > > > progressing,
                > > > > > people still
                > > > > > on their way to work, and there are the early birds like myself
                > > > > > returning from an errand;
                > > > > >
                > > > > > i'll linger in the Park a while,
                > > > > > link you to the park haibun style http://tinyurl.com/5ao3oe
                > > > > > <http://tinyurl.com/5ao3oe>
                > > > > >
                > > > > > how do you feel about these
                > > > > >
                > > > > > Woodford Square --
                > > > > > the hurried stance of
                > > > > > persons going to work
                > > > > >
                > > > > > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
                > > > > > rising gust of warm air.
                > > > > >
                > > > > > OR
                > > > > >
                > > > > > through Woodford Square --
                > > > > > persons hurrying to
                > > > > > get to work on time
                > > > > >
                > > > > >
                > > > > > much love
                > > > > > gillena
                > > > > >
                > > > > > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
                > > > > > rising gust of warm air.
                > > > > >
                > > > > > 2 added themes POSTURE, MOVEMENT,
                > > > > >
                > > > > > much love
                > > > > > gillena
                > > > >
                > > > > Gillena,
                > > > >
                > > > > Of these two, I like:
                > > > >
                > > > > > Woodford Square --
                > > > > > the hurried stance of
                > > > > > persons going to work
                > > > > >
                > > > > > Ah, a poui blossom falls -
                > > > > > rising gust of warm air.
                > > > >
                > > > > I'm not sure about "stance" though. The on-line dictionary says:
                > > > >
                > > > > Stance = "The attitude or position of a standing person or animal,
                > > > > especially the position assumed by an athlete preparatory to
                > action."
                > > > >
                > > > > So the idea of standing still seems to conflict with hurrying
                > (walking
                > > > /
                > > > > riding) to work. Maybe a word like "motion"?
                > > > >
                > > > > Also, some folks reading this might find it distracting to see
                > "of" as
                > > > > the last word on a line. Another minor point: do you know that
                > > > everyone
                > > > > is going to work? Maybe some are going to school, or going to
                > visit
                > > > > someone, or walking to the store/market? Could you just say
                > something
                > > > > like, "on their way"?
                > > > >
                > > > > I see the following possible links/themes:
                > > > >
                > > > > Motion: rushing to work / falling blossom & blowing breeze
                > > > > Shapes: Square / Round blossom (I think)
                > > > >
                > > > > Of these two, I think motion would make the better link and Shapes
                > a
                > > > > better theme. The third verse, for example, could have something
                > > > > involving a triangle shape.
                > > > >
                > > > > Do you see any others?
                > > > >
                > > > > Thanks,
                > > > > Vaughn
                > > > >
                > > >
                > >
                >
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