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Puns of the Day: 10/01/02

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY: 10/01/02 IN THE NEWS: It s tough to believe, but it appears that there s yet another Hannibal Lecter film about to be released. This time has
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 1, 2002
      PUNS OF THE DAY: 10/01/02

      IN THE NEWS:

      It's tough to believe, but it appears that there's yet another Hannibal
      Lecter film about to be released. This time has the evil dude kidnaps a
      young woman and rigs her bra with an explosive device. (Naturally the
      trigger on this bomb is bobby trapped with double D batteries.) Well, at
      least you don't have to worry about seeing any gruesome on screen
      cannibalism this time. He detonator. (Gary Hallock)

      Ted Kennedy warned the Johns Hopkins School of Advanced International
      Studies Friday that the president is recklessly driving the nation
      toward war. His views must be taken seriously. He's the U.S. Senate's
      recognized expert on reckless driving. (Argus Hamilton)

      PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:

      What sort of poultry likes to eat the seed of oak trees?
      Acornish game hen (Gary Hallock)

      Charlie entered a butcher's apprentice program. After about 6 months of
      cleaning equipment and grinding meat for hamburger and sausage he felt
      he was ready to move on to steaks, chops, roasts etc. He told the boss
      that he was anxious to do what? (answer tomorrow)

      What is the term for someone who converts to another denomination?
      A Sects Change (By Stan Kegel)

      OTHER RIDDLES:

      After watching an undertaker, how might you describe someone's death?
      As a fit of coffin. (Lars Hanson)

      What do you call the operation for treating dogs that won't stop barking?
      A Yappin-dectomy (Lederer & Entner)

      JEST FOR KIDS

      What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
      They gruesome. (Paul Croft)

      What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his home?
      A grave problem. (Trinitty)

      Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
      So they can keep their ghoulish figures. (Trinitty)

      What did the dirt say to the rain?
      "If this keeps up, my name will be mud." (Stan Kegel)

      Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
      His ghoul friend (Clynch Varnadore)

      Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
      To improve his bite... (Jackie Holle)

      Why shouldn’t you marry a tennis player?
      Because love means nothing to them. (Daily Groaner)

      Why did the banker break up with his girlfriend?
      He lost interest. (Daily Groaner)

      Why are dogs poor dancers?
      Because they have two left feet. (Jeff Rovin)

      Why can’t you have a conversation with a ram?
      Because he keeps butting in (Hilary, 10)

      What kind of animals do you not want to play cards with
      Cheetahs & sharks (Gary Hallock)

      If You have 100 soldiers and I have 100 soldiers, who would win? Give Up?
      I would because you just gave up (Anahi, 10)

      What did God tell Moses to take for his headache?
      Two Tablets! (Archives)

      What did the vet say when the snake got caught in the garbage disposal?
      It won't be long now (Jeff Rovin)

      In 1901 Candles were first used on birthday cakes for people who wanted
      to make light of their age. (Daryl Stout)

      DAILIES:

      The first time he put the horses on the carriage it went without a
      hitch. (Pun of the Day)

      The old doctors practice of bloodletting was all in vein (Pun of the Day)

      A pediatrician is a doctor of little patients (Pun of the Day

      When the dog need a bath, Mom resorted to dirty tricks. (Jumble)

      After having an accident on the car's rug, the puppy was stripped of his
      car pet privileges. (The Big Pun)

      People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have cold
      baths. (Very Punny)

      Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. (E4Fun)

      COMICS

      “A New Mexico company is developing a dries turkey meat snack.” “Turkey
      Jerky from Albuquerque!”(Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

      "You're my third patient in a row with a persecution complex . . . Just
      who is sending you guys in here?" (Ziggy: Tom Wilson)

      ONE-LINERS:

      If there's one person you don't want to interrupt in the middle of a
      sentence, it's a judge. (Doug Helsel)

      Most Americans think Ramadan is Holiday Inn's number-one competition.
      (Argus Hamilton)

      In the old days, a suspended sentence was hanging. (Mike Bull)

      Sign on northern nudist camp gate: "Clothed for the Winter." (Very
      Punny)

      The formula for a happy marriage? It's the same as the one for living
      in California: when you find a fault, don't dwell on it. (Jay Trachman)

      Did you hear about the bank who wanted its bankrupt customer brought in
      "Debtor Alive"? (The Pun Page)

      Horses may get into the movies, but they're usually saddled with the bit
      parts. (Simon Champion)

      Little Known Knights: Sir Osis of Liver and Sir Loin of Beef (Scott Ryan)

      I fell in a vat of gum at work, then my boss chewed me out. (Trent Cutler)

      GROANERS:

      When their mine became defunct, Jake and Abe decided to grow mushrooms
      in its cool, dark tunnels. Business prospered but Jake wanted all the
      profits, so he decided to kill Abe by planting some poisonous varieties
      in his partner's section. When. Abe found out, he had Jake arrested.
      Although the charge of attempted murder was dismissed for lack of
      evidence, the court did find Jake guilty of corrupting the morels of a
      miner. (Phoebe Weiss)

      There was once a beautiful fairy who yearned to be a ballet dancer. When
      she heard that the Royal Ballet was holding auditions in a nearby town,
      she harnessed 100 white pigeons to her chariot and flew to the theater.
      The director took one look at the fairy's spectacular entrance and told
      her to go away. "But why," she wailed "Because we've got enough
      pigeon-towed dancers in the company already. (Archives)

      I will advise anyone not to travel I-95 to Florida. After two days at
      Walt Disney World with a crying, screaming child, on our way back I
      stopped at several "Child Changing" locations in restrooms and left our
      child, but no one would change with me. (Lawrence Brotherton)

      A lawyer walks into his client's death row cell and says, "I've got good
      news, and bad news for you." The prisoner says, "Okay. What's the bad
      news?" "The bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of your
      execution." "Oh that's terrible. What possibly could be the good news?"
      "The good news is that I got your voltage reduced!" (Bill Stebbins)

      DEFINITIONS:

      Tactics: breath mints for dyslexics (Six-Pack)

      Hypochondriac: Someone who feels bad when he feels good because knows
      he'll feel worse when he feels better. (Terry Galen)

      Retractor: Second hand John Deere (Stan Kegel)

      TOM SWIFTIES:

      "I've just killed Dracula," said Tom Swift painstakingly. (Lederer & Swanson)

      "Are you saying I didn't use the correct container for those liquids?"
      Tom retorted. (Steve Powell)

      POETRY

      Who is never wrong?
      Most likely it's the umpire
      He's in foul a ball (Gary Hallock)

      A really old vampire named "Tex"
      Is "out for blood" and I suspects
      He's not a nice guy
      If he catches your eye
      It's you who will likely be necks (Gary Hallock)

      BLOOPERS:

      Q. Did the lady standing in the driveway subsequently identify herself
      to you?
      A. Yes, she did.
      Q. Who did she say she was?
      A. She said she was the owner of the dog's wife. . (Richard Lederer)

      Sportscaster: And in the world of baseball: The Los Angeles Dodgers lead
      the San Francisco Giants 3 - 3 after eleven innings. (Kermit Schafer)

      FOR ADULTS ONLY:

      :What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?
      You gonna eat that? (Michael Rogers)

      Nymphomaniac: A woman worn out of bedlock. (Richard Lederer)

      Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
      which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign,
      stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go
      to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
      "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't
      stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled.
      "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night
      frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day
      found the same Police Officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies
      driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an
      easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign
      which now read: "TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00. (Trev's Naughties)

      Good girls pack their toothbrush
      Bad girls pack their diaphragms (Lady Godiva)

      After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen
      stormed out of the room after the class was over. Encountering a female
      friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the
      matter with you ? You look as if you're about to kill someone." "I am
      !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All
      summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved
      tossing a coin for position." (Don LoPresto)

      What would happen if you pump kin on Halloween night
      You'll get arrested for incest! (Nemo)

      What's the difference between a racing vehicle and a porn-film actor? A
      racing vehicle is a stock car (Richard Lederer)

      Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the
      matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down:' "My wife
      just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin." "Why's
      that?" "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster." (Jokes Central)

      What do you call a hooker that smokes marijuana?
      A pothole! (Able 2 Laugh)
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