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Puns of the Day: 09/02/02

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY: 09/02/02 Happy Labor Day HOLIDAY PUNS When is labor day? Nine months after father s day (Stan Kegel) At the Labor Day picnic, a tree climbing
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 2, 2002
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      PUNS OF THE DAY: 09/02/02 Happy Labor Day

      HOLIDAY PUNS

      When is labor day?
      Nine months after father's day (Stan Kegel)

      At the Labor Day picnic, a tree climbing contest was held for people who
      wanted to limber up. (Daryl Stouit).

      I used to work for a boss who was a tyrant. One day I made a big mistake
      on a project we were working on and he started yelling at me, and said
      that I screwed up months worth of work in 4 hours. I felt bad for a few
      seconds then responded with, "See, I really do make a difference around
      here." (Terrill Fischer)

      Recently, I heard about a project to turn the big guns from obsolete
      battleships into some sort of conduit for a cyclotron-like device. This
      required someone of a smallish stature to run cables through the old gun
      barrels. When one of the cable-runners threatened to quit, his boss
      pleaded with him to stay, as they were unlikely to find another worker
      of his caliber. (Archives)

      IN THE NEWS:

      The president of Amtrak has resigned. The news was something the train
      company is not used to. An early departure. (Alan Ray)

      PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:

      What did man do in court when he stood accused of breaking into a liquor store?
      He took the fifth (Scott Ryan)

      OTHER RIDDLES:

      When does a joke become a father?
      When the punch line becomes apparent (John S. Crosbie)

      What do you get when you cross an electric eel with a sponge?
      A shock absorber. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

      DEFINITIONS:

      Boycott: Where male children sleep (Stan Kegel)

      Streaker: Someone who is unsuited for work (Geoff Tibballs)

      Seahorse: An average equine. (Nichole Fausey)

      Munchkin: What cannibals do to relatives (Bree Schultz)

      Dandruff: Chips off the whole block (Robert Meyers)

      TOM SWIFTIES:

      "The plumber used a strong vacuum to clear the clogged drain," Tom said
      succinctly. (Stan Kegel)

      "I got a snapshot of the CBS anchorman, but I haven't developed it."
      said Tom, rather negatively. (Gill Krebs)

      " Here is the fourth Timex I have found this week," Tom said watchfully.
      (Weber and Bryant)

      "That's no beagle; that's a mongrel," Tom muttered. (Richard Lederer and
      James Ertner)

      BLOOPERS:

      An in-debt discussion of the new tax laws is available by using the
      order blank in the tax return package. (Richard Lederer)

      Johnny Carson had as a guest a woman who runs a cattery, an
      establishment for the carte and sale for cats. Johnny shook up his
      viewers with, "and in a little while we are going to bring out a lady
      who runs a cat house." (Kermit Schafer)

      POETRY

      How could Switzerland
      Offer better banking service
      Than Check Republic?
      (Guy Ben-Moshe)

      DAILIES:

      A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
      criminal. (Pun of the Day)

      When the couple got silverware as a wedding gift, they said it was a
      sterling choice. (Jumble)

      Yhe operator’s check bounced because she had a wrong number. (Jumble)

      After having an accident on the car's rug, the puppy was stripped of his
      car pet privileges. (The Big Pun)

      You'll never be able to make a kite by tying flippers to your Cabbage
      Patch Kid. Everyone knows that doll fins can't fly. (The Big Pun)

      I can't find the farmer''s keys. Maybe I should look in har vest. (The
      Big Pun)

      My sister is asthmatic. Last week in the middle of an attack she got an
      obscene phone call. (pause) He said, "Did I call you or did you call
      me?" (E4Fun)

      The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is
      normal, and deviation standard. (Very Punny)

      ONE-LINERS:

      Have you heard about the firefly who backed into the candle? He was
      de-lighted, no end. (Richard Lederer)

      Angry customer: "I thought you said this was a good car. It won't even
      go uphill." Used car dealer:" I said, 'On the level, it's a fine car.'" (Archives)

      Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy
      Scouts have adult supervision. (Blake Clark)

      Every successful department store knows that elevators have their ups
      and downs, but escalators are a step in the right direction. (Stan Kegel)

      When two cartoonists entered a contest, the result was destined to be a
      draw. (Paul Dondan)

      A football player who continues to play after he is all washed up
      becomes a scrub. (Rich Frank)

      A woman's favorite position is CEO. (Archives)

      When he returned home, the man noticed that all his birds were gone. He
      suspected fowl play. (Malte)

      LONGER PUNS:

      It is believed that the stock markets go up and down with the rise and
      fall of the hemlines in ladies skirts and dresses. Proof of this
      phenomenon is in the following historical facts: Glamour stocks and mini
      skirts soared in 1993. Conglomerates and hemlines went down in the
      spring of 1994. Hot pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971. The advice to
      the investor then, is "Don't sell until you see the heights of their
      thighs!" (Stan Kegel)

      A New Hampshire carpenter was called upon to put up a bulletin board in
      the church vestry. Since the walls were marble, he tried to glue it
      rather than nail it but ran into problems until he tried making the
      frame out of burr oak. That adhered quite successfully, leading him to
      admonish his young assistant, ."If it ain't burr oak, don't affix it.”
      (John Fenn)

      A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.
      After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on your
      license that you should be wearing glasses." "Well, I have contacts,"
      the woman replied. "Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the
      officer. "You're getting a ticket." (Dafter Lafter)

      JEST FOR KIDS

      How do porcupines kiss?
      Very carefully (Lederer & Ertner)

      Use "Ketchup" in a sentence:
      "Teacher says I will fail if I don't ketchup" (Stan Kegel)

      Why did the boy throw the clock out the window ?
      He wanted to see time fly ! (Mac, 8)

      Why didn’t the astronauts go to recess?
      Because it was launch time ( Larry, 9)

      Why did the boy stare at the car’s radio?
      Because he wanted to see a car tune Samuel, 10)

      What’s the difference between a baby and a duck with no taste?
      One’s a wacky toddler and the other a tacky waddler. (Tochukwu, 11)

      Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food?
      He ordered a pizza with everybody on it. (Ladyhawke)

      Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
      Because it felt crummy (Ashley, 8)

      Our butcher is 6 foot tall and wears a size 12 shoe. What does he weigh?
      Meat (John S. Crosbie)

      Why did the moon stop eating?
      Because it was full (Conner, 6)

      Have you heard the joke about the bed?
      I haven’t made it up yet. (Cameron, 7)

      What did Winnie the Poo say when he got home?
      “Honey, I’m home” (Benjamin, 7)

      What happened to the egg that laughed too hard?
      It cracked up (Nina, 9)

      FOR ADULTS ONLY:

      It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a
      roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning.
      "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main
      street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in
      and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she
      would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll
      have myself zee cold beer." The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga
      blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?" (Lorraine Harper)

      Have you heard about the two writers who collaborated on a book about
      sanitary napkins? They were coauthors of a cotext. (Richard Lederer)

      Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last
      movement. (Harold Clark)

      Two women built and operated a small but efficient storage facility in
      Dallas. They ran the best little warehouse in Texas. (Richard Lederer)

      What happens when a whore house catches fire?
      Some come out running and some run out coming! (Pure Humor)

      A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation.
      The doctors said it was touch and go. (DogByte)
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