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Puns of the Day: 08/01/02

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY: 08/01/02 IN THE NEWS: Profit: Religious guy who talks to God. Alan Greenspan: God Bill Gates: Where God goes for a loan. (Ernie) PUNY RIDDLE
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 1, 2002
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      PUNS OF THE DAY: 08/01/02

      IN THE NEWS:

      Profit: Religious guy who talks to God.
      Alan Greenspan: God
      Bill Gates: Where God goes for a loan. (Ernie)

      PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:

      How would you describe the period ending the Middle Ages in which deer
      were famous for painting and other arts?
      Venissance (Clynch Varnadore)

      What does the sounding of trumpets have in common with hot dogs? (Answer
      Tomorrow)

      What movie is about an embarrassed woman who solicited for prostitutes?
      The Scarlet Pimper, Nell (Lars Hanson)

      OTHER RIDDLES:

      Why do some sausages have meat at one end and corn meal at the other?
      Because it is hard to make both ends meat. (Jim Ertner)

      Why did the leper go to the gun dealer?
      He wanted to buy some arms. (Gordon Freeman)

      DEFINITIONS:

      Diagnose: Anglation of a broken nose (Stan Kegel)

      Defibulator: Da guy who removes da leg bone and then lies about it.
      (Gary Hallock)

      Subway: Assessing the tonnage of an undersea vessel (Cynthia MacGregor)

      Cruelty: Difficult hole in golf (Paul Dickson)

      Scandal: Something that has to be bad to be good (Robert Meyers)

      TOM SWIFTIES:

      "It's no one's fault the earth shook," Tom quaked after shock
      diminished. (Stan Kegel)

      "I've always regretted leaving her standing on that street in Paris,"
      Tom said ruefully. (Jer Lynn)

      "I'm no communist," Alger hissed. (Gill Krebs)

      "The horse just shrugged and he fell right off," Tom derided. (Weber & Bryan).

      BLOOPERS:

      At a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. (Richard Lederer)

      And Dad will love the delicious flavor, too. So remember it's Wonder
      Bread for the breast in bed. (Kermit Schafer)

      POETRY

      Though I don't recall statements Papal,
      I'll offer some help if I'm able
      Cause Darwin suspects
      That monks who had sects
      Made man, but the Pope thinks that fable
      (Gary Hallock)

      Armani,
      Which Art in Neiman's
      Hallowed be thy shoes
      Thy Prada come
      Thy shopping done
      On Rodeo
      As it is in Paris.
      Give us this day, our Visa Gold
      And forgive us our balance
      As we forgive those who charge us interest.
      Lead us not into Penney's
      And deliver us from Sears
      And thine is the Chanel,
      The Gaultier and the Versace
      For Dolce and Gabanna
      AMEX.
      (Toby Simon)

      DAILIES:

      He was a nuclear physicist for a half-life. (Pun of the Day)

      Horses in the movies only have Bit parts (Pun of the Day encore)

      A parade of horses went down Mane street (Pun of the Day encore)

      The only thing smoother than the car’s ride was the salesman’ sales
      pitch. (Jumble)

      I can’t find the farmer’s keys. Maybe I should look in har vest (The Big Pun)

      The misguided poet turned to crime because rhyme doesn't pay. (Very Punny)

      COMICS

      "Ernie, your biggest accomplishment was eating a seven-foot sub sandwich
      in one night!" "Recently finished roll of a lifetime!" (Frank & Ernest:
      Bob Thaves)

      Counselor: "You're my third patient in a row with a persecution complex.
      Just who is sending you guys in here?" (Ziggy: Tom Wilson)

      ONE-LINERS:

      Adam was Eve's mother! (Dogbyte)

      Some people will grow up and spread cheer, others just grow up and
      spread (Douglas Helsel) .

      When somebody tells me to restrain myself, does that me I have to strain
      twice? (Bill Stebbins)

      If I can lose just 20 pounds, I'll be down to the weight I never
      thought I'd be up to. (Renee from Napa)

      My grandfather asked me if fish ever sleep. I suppose they do. Otherwise
      there would be no need for riverbeds. (Jack Levitt)

      Blessed is he who stops smoking, for he shalt be a quitter. (Sermon Fodder)

      What you don't know can't hurt you, but it can make you look stupid.
      (Louis A. Safian.)

      I keep forgetting. Am I in a groove or in a rut? (Mal Hancock)

      Country Song: "Don't Cut through the Wheat Field Granny, You're Going
      Against the Grain." (Lee Daniel Quinn)

      The Paint manufacturer went into the red. (Syman Hirsch)

      Headline: Alcohol ads promote drinking (Randall Woodman)

      A waiter who played tennis was great at serving. (Mike Bull)

      I'm tired of all of these reality television shows, like "Big Brother"
      and "Survivor." It seems like whenever I watch one, I C. B. S. (Huzlinefan)

      I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than
      20 can fit into their stuff. (Caboom)

      My doctor says I have insomnia, but not to lose any sleep over it.
      (Carol Kemo)

      Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time. (Marina)

      LONGER PUNS:

      A group of theater students decided it would be fun to train a flock of
      chickens to perform Hamlet. After many hours of practice, it was time
      for opening night and the first performance. Sadly, just as the first
      patrons were starting to arrive, a group of police officers arrived and
      closed the theater. The police department would make no official
      statement as to why the action was taken, but some officers commented
      privately that fowl play was suspected. (Gill Krebs)

      A Congressman is awakened, in the middle, of the night by his wife who
      whispers, "I think there's a thief in the house." "Not in the House,"
      her husband says. "Perhaps in the Senate, my dear, but not in the
      House." (Marty D.)

      At Sea World, our grandson absolutely refused to see the show featuring
      Shamu the killer whale, but he wouldn't tell us why. No amount of
      discussion could get him to change his mind. Later, when we got home, we
      discovered the reason for his reluctance. An aunt had told him how
      exciting the show would be because "they choose children from the
      audience to feed Shamu." (Marsha Coleman)

      Before the viewing, the mortician removed the entire right half of the
      deceased's body. When we arrived and saw this, I asked, "What happened
      to my friend?" The mortician replied, "What remains is all that is
      left, sir." (Jimmy Snibbler)

      An extremely overweight nun, fearing expulsion from her order locked
      herself in her cell. She finally relented after six months when the Pope
      offered to hear her confession and give her clemency. Upon entering the
      confessional, she began, "Bless me Father for I have thinned!" (J. A. Mc.)

      The college basket ball player was so excited when he heard he might be
      chosen to play in the NBA that he went straight out and wrecked his car.
      Of course he wasn't chosen. He had what is known as a pre-mature jock
      elation. (Sandy P.)

      JEST FOR KIDS

      How much money did the bronco have?
      Just a buck (Lederer & Ertner)

      What do you call a spy in bed?
      An undercover agent (Jarred, 8)

      How did the puppy stop the CD player?
      He pushed the “paw’s” button (Kristen, 9)

      What's a lazy shoe called?
      A loafer (Michael Johnstone)

      Dead owls don't give a hoot. (Bree Schultz)

      I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I
      ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. (Marina)

      What did one wall say to the other wall?
      I'll meet you at the corner. (Daily Groaner)

      Why are most gorillas not interested in politics?
      Because they are ape-olitical (Daily Groaner)

      What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
      A porcupine (Lorraine A. Bellis)

      What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?
      A teacher says, "Spit out your gum," and a train says, "Choo, Choo."
      (Lauren, 12)

      Marie's father had three daughters. He named the first "Faith,"and the
      second "Hope." What did he name the third?
      No, not "Charity," Her name was "Marie." (Lee Daniel Quinn)

      What do you call a fish that won’t talk?
      A fish-sh (Caroline, 9)

      I fed a lemon to my cat and got a sour puss. (Leopold Fechtner)

      FOR ADULTS ONLY:

      If nuts on a wall are called walnuts, and nuts on a chest are called
      chestnuts, what are nuts on a chin called?
      A blow job (Richard Lederer)

      Why do they name most hurricanes after females?
      Because they are wet and wild when they come and they take your house
      and car when they leave..(Beverly Sellers)

      What is safer, doing 69 or driving through fog?
      Doing 69, that way you at least get to see the asshole in front of you.
      .(Beverly Sellers)

      Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
      Mace will do that to you. (LOL)

      How do you get a woman off during sex?
      Push her (Sun Amy).

      Pole Vaulter: A woman who jumps from one bed to another. (Harvey C.
      Gordon)

      Men are like bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
      (Maurice Miller)

      Whats the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet?
      Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once (Colorado Kid)

      What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
      They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're
      screwed. (D. A. Funk)

      How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
      The best ones squirt when you eat them. (Bambi 77)

      Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
      He couldn't budget. (Marty D.)

      Finally, I just threw up my hands in disgust, and wondered if it had
      been such a good idea to have eaten my hands in the first place. (Brad Hamer)
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