Puns of the Day: 07/01/02
- PUNS OF THE DAY: 07/01/02 Happy Canada Day
IN THE NEWS:
In the Lakers quest for another title next year, do all next seasons
games leading up to the playoff constitute nothing more than foreplay?
Our local ABC affiliate here in Little Rock has reported that a man was
recently arrested on "an attempted battery charge". So remember, if
you must re-charge your batteries, make sure to take proper steps to do
it where no one can see you, and post a look out. (Tonys Puns)
It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few
beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the Fourth of July. He was
waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise.
Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from
her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap
because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the
appointment went over time, and Opie was late getting to the marina.
Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he
saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the
side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got
there just in time to grab Luke. Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin,
Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth. (Kegel Archives)
PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:
Our school cafeteria was having a discipline problem. Some of the older
children while waiting in line to be served were taking snacks from the
plates of the younger children who were already eating. This was solved
by sending anyone taking food from a younger child to the back of the
room where they would have to wait until after everyone else was served
before they could be served. A warning was posted. What did it say?
He who has a taste shall be last (Stan Kegel)
What is the most popular Yiddish song among Cuban Jews? (Answer
Why could you be certain that the star of the "Wagon Train" TV series
was always going to deliver on a promise?
His ward was his bond (Gary Hallock)
Did you hear about the man whose wife is like a bird?
She watches him with eagle eyes (Lederer & Ertner)
What did the stewardess tell the two hunter's who tried to board an
airplane with two dead raccoons apiece?
"I'm sorry, gentlemen, but we only allow one carrion per passenger."
Subdivision: Part of a math problem.:(Loraine Harper)
Abyss: An Abbots wife (Audrey Cowper)
Reincarnation: A country where everyone drives the latest "hot"
automobiles again. (Stan Kegel)
Pimp: A crack salesman. (Cascade Express)
Adolescence: The time of life between childhood and adultery. (Richard Lederer)
Herring: Circlet of gold for her finger.(Jay Christie)
"I like the way I look wearing my new Wonder Bra," Sue upliftingly
pointed out. (Stan Kegel)
"Our sockets are overloaded," Tom declared confusedly. (Weber & Bryan)
"I just ate that Eskimo's dog", barked Tom in a husky voice (Mark Israel)
Jackie Kennedy grew up riding horses. She came from a well-manured
family. (Richard Lederer)
Two Teenagers indicted for Drowning in Lake. (Syman Hirsch)
"Nine presidential candidates exposed themselves in Washington. D. C.,
before Demoratic governors. (John Chancellor)
"It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His
pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home." (Pastor Tim)
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered. (Bruce Pick)
There was a Norse princess named Freya.
When asked for a roll in the haya,
Said although you're a viking
You're not to my liking
So why don't you just go awaya!
Uncle Henry's wife
Broke her hip. A victim of
He couldn't sell his pirate ship because it was unassailable. (Pun of
When Junior didnt do the dishes, it left Mom in a lather. (Jumble)
When they played poker on the boat, they ended up with all hands on
Wheen he at lunch with a computer geek, he got a square meal. (Jumble)
I don't need to bring my evening carriage to philosophy class. I have a
Des cartes. (The Big Pun)
I want to buy my friend from Penn State a stuffed mascot. 'Nitt any
lions lately? (The Big Pun)
Juan and his identical twin brother had some pictures taken of
themselves. When the pictures were ready, the boys' mother went to pick
them up. The clerk gave her twelve pictures in all and so she asked,
"Which ones are which?" "Of course," the clerk replied, "It's six of
Juan, half dozen of the brother" (Very Punny)
I need a headline for the school superintendant who won a bowling
tourney CITYS TOP EDUCATOR HANGS OUT IN ALLEYS (Frank & Ernie: Bob
I heard you have a TV show, Padre Yes, its on pray-per-view.
(Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)
Acme Bioengineering. Ask about our Adapt-A-Pet program. (Frank & Ernie:
I before E except after C. What a weird society. (Marsha Coleman)
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy
this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and
demand a refund? (William Brabant)
Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife. The
postmaster says,"This package is to heavy, you'll need another stamp."
Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?" (Ian Miller)
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. (Bree
"It's a nice hotel, but I have my reservations."(Lady Hawke)
My son has taken up meditation. At least it's better than sitting and
doing nothing. (Renee From Napa)
My husband wants to go camping so he can hear the call of the wild. I
told him that he could hear it for free if he'd just stay home sometimes
with the kids. (Sun Amy)
Found in a flier advertising an air bed: "Airtight system with
manufacturer's guarantee not to leak. Repair kit included." (Tony
Nostalgia is okay but not what it used to be (Ladyhawke)
I went to the circus the other day, and I can tell you. . . It was in
tents! (Kay Tundra)
Due to a reduction in staff, the Navy Captain got a crew cut. (Daryl Stout)
All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
My sister has extra-century perception. (Rubin)
The custodian of a church quit and the pastor of the church asked the
young church organist if she would be able to also do the job of
cleaning the church sanctuary. The organist thought for awhile before
she answered, "Do you mean that I now have to mind my keys and pews?" (Marina)
An Indian chief spoke to his squaw one day. I cant stand your constant
sniffling. Is there anything I can get you to give you some relief.
Answered the squaw, "'Tis but for a linen cloth for which I hanker,
Chief." (Bennett Cerf)
A fisherman carelessly dropped his wallet into the water and was amazed
to see a school of carp deftly balancing the wallet on their noses and
tossing it from one fish to the other. "Gosh," exclaimed the fisherman,
"That's the first time I've ever seen: "Carp to carp walleting." (Dr Harpo)
Noah opens up the ark and lets all the animals out, telling them to "Go
forth and multiply." He's closing the great doors of the ark when he
notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner. So he says
to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply."
"We can't," said the snakes, "We're adders." (Myke Ashley-Cooper)
JEST FOR KIDS
Why can't two elephants go swimming at the same time?
They only have one pair of trunks (Lederer & Ertner)
Why did the kid put his father in the freezer?
Because he wanted a cool dad! (Lorraine A. Bellis)
Why did Pilgrims' pants always fall down?
Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat. (Gail S. Angel)
What kind of dog does a vampire prefer ?
A bloodhound (Bree Schultz)
We are going to pick up our car.
We cant. Its too heavy (Davis, 4 & Delaney, 2)
What kind of monkeys grow on vines?
Grey apes (Daily Groaner)
What do you get if you cross an electric eel with a sponge?
A shock absorber (Daily Groaner)
What did the bee say to the flower?
What time do you open (Jose, 11)
What kind of people are always in a hurry?
Russians (Lorraine A. Bellis)
What did the ocean say to the sky?
Meet me at the horizon (Kayla, 8)
Why did the star go to jail?
Because it was a shooting star (Henry, 8)
What is the most dangerous part of a car?
The nut that holds the steering wheel. (Running Lady)
What do burglars use to wake up?
Burglar alarms (Casey, 10)
What did the jack say to the car?
I know you're in a hurry so don't let me hold you up. (Mike Driscool)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
When a corpulent spinster named Snow
Was approached by a dwarf for a blow
She replied, "I have pride!
Your request is denied
I could never, Sir, stoop quite that low."
Crime of passion is a phrase that drives me crazy. A man murdering his
girlfriend is not a crime of passion. Premature ejaculation - that's a
crime of passion. (Hellura Lyle)
I went to get my vehicle emission test done today and, when it was
finally my turn, I asked the guy what time they closed. He said, "We're
open late into the night. In the trade we're known as 'nocturnal
emissions'." (Renee from Napa)
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
Because he comes only once a year and then its down a chimney. (Richard Lederer)
Sex Education: The sermon on the Mount (Don Thorn)
What do you call a dog with no legs?
You could call it 'Cigarette' and take it for a drag in the park. (Joke Nite)
The key to safe sex is in the palm of your hand! (Mustard Humor)
Now that Viagra has been on the market for a while, doctors have
fine-tuned their prescribing methods. When they prescribe Viagra, they
insist that the patient take a Doan's Pill each time they take a Viagra.
The pair of medications work together to make sure that the patient's
back don't peter out and his peter don't back out. (William Brabant)