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Puns of the Day: 07/01/02

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY: 07/01/02 Happy Canada Day IN THE NEWS: In the Lakers quest for another title next year, do all next season’s games leading up to the
    Message 1 of 1 , Jul 1, 2002
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      PUNS OF THE DAY: 07/01/02 Happy Canada Day

      IN THE NEWS:

      In the Lakers quest for another title next year, do all next season’s
      games leading up to the playoff constitute nothing more than foreplay?
      (Scott McCarty)

      Our local ABC affiliate here in Little Rock has reported that a man was
      recently arrested on "an attempted battery charge". So remember, if
      you must re-charge your batteries, make sure to take proper steps to do
      it where no one can see you, and post a look out. (Tony’s Puns)

      HOLIDAY PUNS:

      It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few
      beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the ”Fourth of July.” He was
      waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise.
      Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from
      her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap
      because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the
      appointment went over time, and Opie was late getting to the marina.
      Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he
      saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the
      side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got
      there just in time to grab Luke. Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin,
      Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth. (Kegel Archives)

      PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:

      Our school cafeteria was having a discipline problem. Some of the older
      children while waiting in line to be served were taking snacks from the
      plates of the younger children who were already eating. This was solved
      by sending anyone taking food from a younger child to the back of the
      room where they would have to wait until after everyone else was served
      before they could be served. A warning was posted. What did it say?
      He who has a taste shall be last (Stan Kegel)

      What is the most popular Yiddish song among Cuban Jews? (Answer
      Tomorrow)

      Why could you be certain that the star of the "Wagon Train" TV series
      was always going to deliver on a promise?
      His ward was his bond (Gary Hallock)

      OTHER RIDDLES:

      Did you hear about the man whose wife is like a bird?
      She watches him with eagle eyes (Lederer & Ertner)

      What did the stewardess tell the two hunter's who tried to board an
      airplane with two dead raccoons apiece?
      "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but we only allow one carrion per passenger."
      (Workman Pub)

      DEFINITIONS

      Subdivision: Part of a math problem.:(Loraine Harper)

      Abyss: An Abbots wife (Audrey Cowper)

      Reincarnation: A country where everyone drives the latest "hot"
      automobiles again. (Stan Kegel)

      Pimp: A crack salesman. (Cascade Express)

      Adolescence: The time of life between childhood and adultery. (Richard Lederer)

      Herring: Circlet of gold for her finger.(Jay Christie)

      TOM SWIFTIES:

      "I like the way I look wearing my new Wonder Bra," Sue upliftingly
      pointed out. (Stan Kegel)

      "Our sockets are overloaded," Tom declared confusedly. (Weber & Bryan)

      "I just ate that Eskimo's dog", barked Tom in a husky voice (Mark Israel)

      BLOOPERS:

      Jackie Kennedy grew up riding horses. She came from a well-manured
      family. (Richard Lederer)

      Two Teenagers indicted for Drowning in Lake. (Syman Hirsch)

      "Nine presidential candidates exposed themselves in Washington. D. C.,
      before Demoratic governors. (John Chancellor)

      "It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His
      pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home." (Pastor Tim)

      Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
      person you want remembered. (Bruce Pick)

      POETRY

      There was a Norse princess named Freya.
      When asked for a roll in the haya,
      Said although you're a viking
      You're not to my liking
      So why don't you just go awaya!
      (April Fennell)

      Uncle Henry's wife
      Broke her hip. A victim of
      Auntie gravity
      (Gary Hallock)

      DAILIES:

      He couldn't sell his pirate ship because it was unassailable. (Pun of
      the Day)

      When Junior didn’t do the dishes, it left Mom in a lather. (Jumble)

      When they played poker on the boat, they ended up with all hands on
      deck. (Jumble)

      Wheen he at lunch with a computer geek, he got a square meal. (Jumble)

      I don't need to bring my evening carriage to philosophy class. I have a
      Des cartes. (The Big Pun)

      I want to buy my friend from Penn State a stuffed mascot. 'Nitt any
      lions lately? (The Big Pun)

      Juan and his identical twin brother had some pictures taken of
      themselves. When the pictures were ready, the boys' mother went to pick
      them up. The clerk gave her twelve pictures in all and so she asked,
      "Which ones are which?" "Of course," the clerk replied, "It's six of
      Juan, half dozen of the brother" (Very Punny)

      COMICS

      “I need a headline for the school superintendant who won a bowling
      tourney” “CITY’S TOP EDUCATOR HANGS OUT IN ALLEYS” (Frank & Ernie: Bob
      Thaves)

      “I heard you have a TV show, Padre” “Yes, it’s on pray-per-view.”
      (Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)

      Acme Bioengineering. Ask about our Adapt-A-Pet program. (Frank & Ernie:
      Bob Thaves)

      ONE-LINERS:

      I before E except after C. What a weird society. (Marsha Coleman)

      There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy
      this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and
      demand a refund? (William Brabant)

      Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife. The
      postmaster says,"This package is to heavy, you'll need another stamp."
      Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?" (Ian Miller)

      If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. (Bree
      Schultz)

      "It's a nice hotel, but I have my reservations."(Lady Hawke)

      My son has taken up meditation. At least it's better than sitting and
      doing nothing. (Renee From Napa)

      My husband wants to go camping so he can hear the call of the wild. I
      told him that he could hear it for free if he'd just stay home sometimes
      with the kids. (Sun Amy)

      Found in a flier advertising an air bed: "Airtight system with
      manufacturer's guarantee not to leak. Repair kit included." (Tony
      Thoennes)

      Nostalgia is okay but not what it used to be (Ladyhawke)

      I went to the circus the other day, and I can tell you. . . It was in
      tents! (Kay Tundra)

      Due to a reduction in staff, the Navy Captain got a crew cut. (Daryl Stout)

      All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet. (Lee Daniel Quinn)

      My sister has extra-century perception. (Rubin)

      LONGER PUNS:

      The custodian of a church quit and the pastor of the church asked the
      young church organist if she would be able to also do the job of
      cleaning the church sanctuary. The organist thought for awhile before
      she answered, "Do you mean that I now have to mind my keys and pews?" (Marina)

      An Indian chief spoke to his squaw one day. I can’t stand your constant
      sniffling. Is there anything I can get you to give you some relief.
      Answered the squaw, "'Tis but for a linen cloth for which I hanker,
      Chief." (Bennett Cerf)

      A fisherman carelessly dropped his wallet into the water and was amazed
      to see a school of carp deftly balancing the wallet on their noses and
      tossing it from one fish to the other. "Gosh," exclaimed the fisherman,
      "That's the first time I've ever seen: "Carp to carp walleting." (Dr Harpo)

      Noah opens up the ark and lets all the animals out, telling them to "Go
      forth and multiply." He's closing the great doors of the ark when he
      notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner. So he says
      to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply."
      "We can't," said the snakes, "We're adders." (Myke Ashley-Cooper)

      JEST FOR KIDS

      Why can't two elephants go swimming at the same time?
      They only have one pair of trunks (Lederer & Ertner)

      Why did the kid put his father in the freezer?
      Because he wanted a cool dad! (Lorraine A. Bellis)

      Why did Pilgrims' pants always fall down?
      Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat. (Gail S. Angel)

      What kind of dog does a vampire prefer ?
      A bloodhound (Bree Schultz)

      We are going to pick up our car.
      We can’t. It’s too heavy (Davis, 4 & Delaney, 2)

      What kind of monkeys grow on vines?
      Grey apes (Daily Groaner)

      What do you get if you cross an electric eel with a sponge?
      A shock absorber (Daily Groaner)

      What did the bee say to the flower?
      What time do you open (Jose, 11)

      What kind of people are always in a hurry?
      Russians (Lorraine A. Bellis)

      What did the ocean say to the sky?
      Meet me at the horizon (Kayla, 8)

      Why did the star go to jail?
      Because it was a shooting star (Henry, 8)

      What is the most dangerous part of a car?
      The nut that holds the steering wheel. (Running Lady)

      What do burglars use to wake up?
      Burglar alarms (Casey, 10)

      What did the jack say to the car?
      I know you're in a hurry so don't let me hold you up. (Mike Driscool)

      FOR ADULTS ONLY:

      When a corpulent spinster named Snow
      Was approached by a dwarf for a blow
      She replied, "I have pride!
      Your request is denied
      I could never, Sir, stoop quite that low."
      (Ms. Kitty)

      Crime of passion is a phrase that drives me crazy. A man murdering his
      girlfriend is not a crime of passion. Premature ejaculation - that's a
      crime of passion. (Hellura Lyle)

      I went to get my vehicle emission test done today and, when it was
      finally my turn, I asked the guy what time they closed. He said, "We're
      open late into the night. In the trade we're known as 'nocturnal
      emissions'." (Renee from Napa)

      Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
      Because he comes only once a year and then its down a chimney. (Richard Lederer)

      Sex Education: The sermon on the Mount (Don Thorn)

      What do you call a dog with no legs?
      You could call it 'Cigarette' and take it for a drag in the park. (Joke Nite)

      The key to safe sex is in the palm of your hand! (Mustard Humor)

      Now that Viagra has been on the market for a while, doctors have
      fine-tuned their prescribing methods. When they prescribe Viagra, they
      insist that the patient take a Doan's Pill each time they take a Viagra.
      The pair of medications work together to make sure that the patient's
      back don't peter out and his peter don't back out. (William Brabant)
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