Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.
 

Puns of the Day: 05/01/02

Expand Messages
  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY: 05/01/02 Happy Labor Day IN THE NEWS: The guests at Time magazine s 75th anniversary party included O. J. Simpson and Jack Kevorkian. O. J.
    Message 1 of 1 , May 1, 2002
      PUNS OF THE DAY: 05/01/02 Happy Labor Day

      IN THE NEWS:

      The guests at Time magazine's 75th anniversary party included O. J.
      Simpson and Jack Kevorkian. O. J. and Kevorkian sat in the back all
      night and talked shop. (David Letterman)

      HOLIDAY PUNS:

      I brought a flowering plant home to my wife who was pregnant with our
      first child. "They're mums," I told her Since it was already a week past
      her due date, my wife quipped, "You should have gotten impatiens." (Archives)

      PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:

      The TV chef was making his famous duck soup. When asked if he
      preferred Teal or Mallard, what did he reply?
      Eider. It don't matter widgeon (Ken Pinkham)

      When the purple dinosaur suddenly started eating the children, they did
      a one-letter change to his name to describe his new behavior. What do
      they call him now? (Answer Tomorrow)

      Ms. Moffo became such a temperamental diva in her latter days that
      LaScala took a rather drastic step. What did they decide to do?
      Ban Anna (Cynthia MacGregor)

      OTHER RIDDLES:

      Why were miniskirts once called "dogs"?
      Because you could peek on knees. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

      DEFINITIONS:

      Icelander: I libel aloud (Cynthia MacGregor)

      Efficiency: putting Murine in your grapefruit(Michael Driscoll)

      Inmate: The spouse who stays home to cook and clean the house (Stan
      Kegel)

      Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
      (Harold Clark)

      Resort: A place where people go for change and the landlord gets the
      rest. (Douglas Helsel)

      Intense: How small things are measured when you use the metric system.
      (Gary Hallock)

      Invent: Where the burglar got stick while breaking in thru the air
      conditioner. (Ken Pinkham)

      Tomcat- A ball bearing mouse trap.(Geoff Tibballs) I

      Gross ignorance: 144 blondes (Harold Clark).

      TOM SWIFTIES:

      "I swear these are the same baseball cards I gave away years ago," Tom
      recollected. (Stan Kegel)

      "Vere ist ze bathroom?" asked Hans peevishly. (Gill Krebs)

      "Then I could sic the dog on you," I shouted categorically. (Joan Christman)

      BLOOPERS:

      To find the number of square feet in a room, you multiply the room by
      the number of feet. (Richard Lederer)

      This paper needs a few comas. (Bree Schultz)

      "Take a back right turn" ("Paperback Writer" The Beetles) (Gavin Edwards)

      Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 to 8:30 p.m.
      Please use the back door. (Rodney & Cathy)

      POETRY

      There was a young lady from Wheeling
      Who was out in her garden a-kneeling.
      When by some mischance,
      She got ants in her pants,
      And invented Virginia reeling.
      (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

      She opened her dress
      Asked "What's crawling down my back"?
      Oh, my, I spied her
      (Guy Ben-Moshe)

      DAILIES:

      Angry dogs are cross-breeds (Pun of the Day)

      When crazy glue was invented lots of people became attached to it (Pun
      of the Day encore)

      When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution! (Pun of the Day encore)

      When he didn’t suit her, he didn’t become her suitor. (Jumble)

      I want to buy my friend from Penn State a stuffed mascot. 'Nitt any
      lions lately? (The Big Pun)

      When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two
      cents in, what happens to the other penny? (E4Fun)

      A sensitive person is one who, because he has corns himself, always
      treads on other people's toes. (Oscar Wilde/Very Punny)

      Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail? The
      headlines in the newspaper read "Small Medium At Large!" (The Daily Groaner)

      COMICS:

      Crosswords: 11 letters for “seismograph”? A “Faults Alarm” (Frank &
      Ernest: Bob Thaves)

      ONE-LINERS:

      I can't stop laughing. I must be suffering from premature joke elation.
      (Paul Benoit)

      A man burned a farmer's sugarcane field because he wanted sweet revenge
      (Douglas Helsel).

      Man who stand on toilet is high on pot! (Bree Schultz)

      The pilot refused to help his church build a platform to set its
      nativity scene on. He hated creche landings. (SGT Snorkel)

      Did you hear that McDonald's bought the Baltimore arena? They're calling
      it the Macarena. (Syman Hirsch)

      A cat may have nine lives, but a frog croaks every night. (Richard
      Lederer and James Ertner)

      The amputee robber removed his prosthesis to show us he was unarmed.
      (David Reihmer)

      She's only a columnist's daughter, but she's always chasing wild
      roomers. (Louis Safian)

      Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family! (Bree Schultz)

      My mother-in-law was very upset when she couldn't find her late
      husband's resting place, as the park rangers had re-located it. It was a
      moving, grave situation. (Funky Munky)

      A shipment of vegetables was sent by mail. It came by parsley post.
      (Daryl Stout)

      If you have a lot a tension and you get a headache, do what it says on
      the aspirin bottle: "Take two" and "Keep away from children" (Ruth S Oshins)

      Early to bed, early to rise, and your gal goes out with other guys.
      (Sent to me by Cynthia MacGregor who does not wish credit for it)

      I've always said there's a place for the press but they haven't dug it
      yet. (Tommy Docherty)

      The right temperature in a home is maintained by warm hearts, not by hot
      heads. (Harold Clark)

      Some people drink deeply from the fountain of knowledge. Others just
      gargle. (Grant M. Bright)

      LONGER PUNS:

      An old arthritic dog was run over by a street cleaning vehicle, but
      somehow managed to drag himself into a nearby saloon. "Are you all
      right?" asked the bartender. "No," replied the dog, "I'm a flayed mutt."
      (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

      It is believed that the stock markets go up and down with the rise and
      fall of the hemlines in ladies skirts and dresses. Proof of this
      phenomenon is in the following historical facts: Glamour stocks and mini
      skirts soared in 1993. Conglomerates and hemlines went down in the
      spring of 1994. Hot pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971. The advice to
      the investor then, is, "Don't sell until you see the heights of their
      thighs!" (Lee Daniel Quinn)

      "What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the
      first day of registration. "He's a magician," said the new boy. "How
      exciting. What's his best trick?" "He saws people in half." "How
      impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?" "Yep...one half
      brother and two half sisters." (Bree Schultz)

      The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in
      class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
      Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!" (Laughmeister)

      "The Nudist Store," is a shop in suburban Toronto that caters to people
      interested in nudism. The proprietor of the shop greets customers
      wearing only shoes, socks, and a wristwatch. The store is located in a
      "strip mall." (Harold Clark)

      FOR THE CHILDREN:

      What do you get when you cross Dracula with a dog?
      Someone whose bite is worse than its bark (Richard Lederer and James
      Ertner)

      Why did the banker break up with his girlfriend?
      He lost interest. (Syman Hirsch)

      What do you call a hyperactive Irishman who keeps bouncing off of walls.
      Rick O'Shea (The Daily Groiner)

      How do you know your baseball was cut?
      It has stitches. (Jaime, 11)

      What did the snowman say as he was melting?
      I’m having a hot attack. (Adriana, 10)

      FOR ADULTS ONLY:

      She was only an apple-grower's daughter, and she couldn't wait to get it
      in cider. (Richard Lederer)

      A state trooper notices a car weaving in the road, and when he pulls it
      over a beautiful woman gets out. She is clearly under the influence, but
      just to make sure he gives her the breathalyzer test. Sure enough, she's
      over the limit, so the trooper says, "Madam, you've had a couple of
      stiff ones."Oh," says the lady, "it shows that too?"(Joke Man)

      What's the difference between an identical female sibling and a tornado
      in a whorehouse?
      An identical female sibling is a twin sister (Richard Lederer)

      A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
      "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant." "But that can't be.
      The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practice
      sex, only with our eyes." "Well, my dear," said the doctor, "someone in
      that colony must be cockeyed." (Ladyhawke)

      Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless
      experiences go, it's pretty damned good. (Woody Allen)

      Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. (George Burns)
    Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.