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Puns of the Day: 02/20/2002

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY: 02/20/02 IN THE NEWS: Jenna Bush has finished her freshman year in college. In philosophy class she debated age-old life issues. Does Lite
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 20, 2002
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      PUNS OF THE DAY: 02/20/02

      IN THE NEWS:

      Jenna Bush has finished her freshman year in college. In philosophy
      class she debated age-old life issues. Does Lite beer taste great or
      is it less filling? (Ray)

      PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:

      A hard working writer named Cynthia suffered burn out and terminal
      writer's block. She would sit for hours and hours staring blankly at the
      wall muttering incoherently. Soon the men in white coats from the State
      Mental Hospital arrived to haul her off to the funny farm. What old song
      did they sing while wheeling her out on a gurney?
      Gonna take a Cyn to mental gurney (Ken Pinkham)

      What part of the body describes what I do in a library? (Answer
      Tomorrow)

      A dock, that is a favorite among locals, is ripped apart by storms
      during the hurricane season but the locals faithfully rebuild it each
      year in time for warmer weather because this particular spot is a great
      gateway to fishing spots. What have the locals nicknamed this dock?
      Pier-ennial (Tiff Wimberly)

      OTHER RIDDLES:

      What happens to a cow when it gives birth?
      It becomes decalfinated. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

      What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree?
      A cat-a-log! (Douglas Helsel)

      What did Noah use to lock up his boat?
      Anarchy (The Daily Groaner)

      DEFINITIONS:

      Dim sum: Total IQ of a special ed class. (Lars Hanson)

      Relay: What a hen does when not satisfied with the first egg (Stan Kegel)

      Mass Psychology: Doing it the herd way (Robert Meyers)

      Hairball: The testicle of a rabbit (Jay Christie)

      Professor: Someone who talks in someone else's sleep. (W. H. Auden)

      Seamstress: 250 pounds in a size six (Paul Benoit)

      TOM SWIFTIES:

      "I got a snapshot of the CBS anchorman, but I haven't developed it”
      said Tom, rather negatively. (Gill Krebs)

      "I want a little more Tobasco in my Bloody Mary," Tom said saucily.
      (Stan Kegel)

      "My hand is numb," Tom said unfeelingly. (Weber & Bryan)

      BLOOPERS:

      It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and
      shake him in rhythm. (Richard Lederer)

      POETRY

      Unk Ben asked the sweet Aunt Jemima
      "Could I fulfill your wildest dream?"
      Said she, "I knead dough you old timer
      All YOU have is great selfish steam"
      (Gary Hallock )

      DAILIES:

      Dentists have their own flossify on how to keep teeth clean. (Pun of
      the Day)

      When the human cannonball was late for work he got fired (Pun of the Day encore)

      When the human cannonball retired they couldn't find a replacement of
      the right caliber (Pun of the Day encore)

      When Mom asked the questions, the teen turned into a "Yes Man." (Jumble)

      Of course your boss is an idiot--just look at who he hired. (Very Punny)

      The cop had no choice but to pull over the eastern European driver. He
      was clearly Rushin'. (The Big Pun)

      New book: "Unemployed" by Anita Job (Ray Owen’s Joke a Day)

      There are three guys in a boat with four cigarettes. They have no
      matches or anything; how do they smoke their cigarettes'?
      They throw one of the cigarettes overboard and make the boat a little
      lighter. (The Daily Groaner)

      ONE-LINERS:

      Have you ever notice how groups of lions tend to move on just before
      autumn? Of course; pride goeth before the fall. (Tim Davis)

      The shortage of athletic supporters is a groin concern. (Gary Hallock)

      A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three
      times before lying down. (Robert Benchley)

      People who slander you with wordplay are libel to be sued for pun-itive
      damages. (Gary Reeves)

      Corduroy pillows are making headlines. (Douglas Helsel)

      Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.
      The chef ran out of DDT, so he drowned it. (Richard Lederer and James
      Ertner)

      Irrational fear of nine-headed serpents: Hydraphobia. (Merl Reagle)

      He is always undertaking vast projects with half-vast ideas. (Louis A. Safian)

      Gossip is like a grapefruit. To be really good it has to be juicy.
      (Henny Youngman)

      The marijuana legislation was passed by a joint resolution. (Daniel Reihs)

      When the rich man bought a car, he had nothing to chauffeur it. (Lazarus).

      George Burns: Rich, ME? No, I'm a pauper.
      Gracie Allen: Congratulations! Boy or girl?

      The tour guide described the western ghost town as "remains to be seen." (Cryptograms)

      Practice safe eating -- always use condiments. (Myrddin)

      There's a myth going around that I don't dress well. I dress very well.
      I just don't look so good. (Barbara Bush)

      LONGER PUNS:

      As paramedics, my partner and I were dispatched to check on a
      92-year-old man who had become disoriented. We decided to take him to
      the hospital for evaluation. En route, I questioned the man to
      determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, I asked, "Sir, do you
      know what we're doing right now?" He slowly looked up at me, then gazed
      out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe
      55." (Marsha Coleman)

      A Navy officer was shipwrecked and found himself in the hands of wild
      cannibals. "What's your grade?" asked the cannibal chief. "I'm a
      commander," the officer replied. "Good," said the cannibal chief.
      "Tomorrow you will be COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF." (Whimsical Wits)

      Before I go to all the trouble of cloning myself, I need to know
      something: If I take all of us out to eat on my birthday, will T. G. I.
      Friday's give us each a free cake, or make us split one? (John Gephart IV)

      O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
      one o'clock, three miles, eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always
      wanted to say this, I've got that Fokker in sight." (Marsha Coleman)

      FOR THE CHILDREN:

      Why are most fish well-educated?
      Because they travel in schools (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

      What do you call a hippie’s wife?
      Mississippi (Raquel, 10)

      What is the best place to buy a shirt?
      (Sofia)


      FOR ADULTS ONLY:

      What's the difference between a rooster and a nymphomaniac?
      A rooster says, "Cockadoodledoo. " A nympho says, "Any cock'll do."
      (Richard Lederer)

      The only reason my wife has an orgasm, is so she'll have something else
      to moan about. (Whimsical Wit)

      He who lives in glass house dresses in basement. (Furhman)

      What did the first grade teacher say to her pupils about getting in line
      to go to the bathroom?
      Watch your queues and pee. (Richard Lederer)

      Do you live on a chicken farm? 'Cause you sure know how to raise cocks!
      (Whimsical Wit)

      Did you know that absinthe makes the tart grow fonder? (Richard Lederer)
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