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Puns of the Day 09-06-13

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY 09-06-13 After punning, IÆm left all alone æCause I make people grimace and moan. If you think theyÆre bad now, Then imagine just how Bad
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 6, 2013
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      PUNS OF THE DAY 09-06-13

      After punning, I’m left all alone
      ‘Cause I make people grimace and moan.
      If you think they’re bad now,
      Then imagine just how
      Bad they’ll be when my puns are full groan.
      (Kirk Miller)

      A couple of hours into a visit with my mother she noticed I hadn't lit up a cigarette once. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" "No," I replied, "I've got a cold and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well." "You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."

      English Paper Blooper: "The children of lesbian couples receive as much neutering as those of other couples."

      1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. And. 6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.  Conclusion: The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.

      Neon walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out, we don't allow noble gases in here!" Neon does not react.

      In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!" The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I'm about to receive ...."

       A mother found a condom in daughter's private chest. She faced the daughter in anger and asked the explanation. Daughter asked back, "Mom, what do you expect me to do, be pregnant.
           
      I saw an advertisement for a school that claimed it could teach any person with a disability, no matter what their disability was, to drive a car in five minutes or less. So, I called them up and asked, "How can you teach anyone at all to drive in five minutes or less?" They answered "It's a crash course."

      Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humour."

      A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?" he asks. "I'm a fireman." "Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman." "Well, if you want some good advice, you've got to install in your house a pole that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, 'cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night." Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. "Well, did your son become a fireman?" "No, but I have two daughters who are 'dancers.'"

      My friend said that her trainer at the gym advised her to wear loose clothes. She told him, "Hey, if I had loose clothes, why would I join a gym?"

      IN THE NEWS

      Putin calls US stance on Syria 'utter nonsense,' claims chemical weapons are just aerially dispersed sunscreen to protect against melanoma. (Warren Holstein)

      John McCain was caught playing video poker on his iPhone during the Senate hearings the other day. Everybody is criticizing McCain, but compared to what other politicians are doing on their iPhones, that's not so bad, OK? (Jay Leno) 

      A Manitoba rancher claims roughly 1,000 bison have been stolen from his range. Local authorities admit the case has them buffaloed. (RJ Currie)

      A school in New York City has removed a book on masturbation from its summer reading list.  Not to worry though, once these kids start looking for summer jobs in this economy they'll be able to skip the masturbation because they'll feel like they've been screwed.  (Steve Yeich)  

      Oracle Team USA has been caught cheating in the Americas Cup. It’s the age old story. They were embarrassed about the size of their mast so they rubbed it with mast enlargement cream to make it bigger. (Bill Williams)

      Verizon just paid $130B for Vodaphone. 130 billion dollars. That’s 18.3 dollars for every man woman and child on the planet. Don’t know the larger ramifications but pretty sure it means my cell phone bill is going up. (Will Durst)

      It's L.A.'s birthday today. It was founded in 1781 by the Spanish. You may want to sit down for this: People in L.A. used to speak Spanish. (Craig Ferguson) 

      Lindsey Vonn has rejoined the US Ski team for the first time since her February injury. She made a couple of practise runs on Sunday in Chile. Coincidentally, her new squeeze Tiger, also went downhill on Sunday and Monday in Boston. (TC Chong) 

      AND FROM THE PAST

      Convicted rapist John Horace, 60, was turned down by the New York Parole Board after offering a new excuse for his crime which was committed against a nursing home resident in a near coma.  Horace, then an aide at the home, said he had read in a medical book somewhere that the sensation of pregnancy would snap a woman out of a coma and that he was thus only trying to help. (Rochester Democrat and Chronicle 12/04)

      One foot in the rave: The £20,000 hi-fi coffin that plays music on a loop so you can listen to your favorite tunes in the afterlife. Music pumped into coffin wirelessly into coffin via computerized tombstone Relatives can update soundtracks using Spotify and a 'Catacomb app. Inventor: "I was very afraid of death and I wanted to lighten it up a bit." (Simon Tomlinson 12/12)

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