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Odds And Ends 09-01-13

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  • Stan Kegel
    ODDS & ENDS 09-01-13 1. Words Are Lucky Letters 2. The Bible Through The Eyes Of A Child 3. The Black Knight 4. Farming Metaphors 5. Handwriting On The Wall
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 1, 2013
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      ODDS & ENDS 09-01-13

      1. Words Are Lucky Letters
      2. The Bible Through The Eyes Of A Child
      3. The Black Knight
      4. Farming Metaphors
      5. Handwriting On The Wall

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      1.
      WORDS ARE LUCKY LETTERS

      Words are but lucky letters. How do letters get lucky? They go to bars.

      Let's have a look.

      A consonant approaches the bar and sits down next to a vowel.

      Hi!, he says, "Have you ever been here before?"

      "Of cursive," she replies, "I come here, like, all the time"

      He can tell from her accent (which is kind acute) that she is a Vowelly Girl.

      He looks her over. She's short and has a nice assonance. She sure is a cipher sore i's, thinks this consonantal dude, I'll bet she gives good letterhead.

      He remains stationery, enveloped by her charm. "And what an uppercase! "

      His initial reaction is so pronounced, he doesn't know what to say. He is, at present, tense.

      "You've a lovely set of... teeth," he sputters. "Do you crush with bre-ast... er, I mean... do you brush with Crest?"

      "Oh my God, gag me with a spoonerism! Your mind is in the guttural, fer sure."

      Admiring her figure of speech, he falls into a fantasy.

      He pictures a perfect wedding: They exchange wedding vowels.

      The minister says, "I now pronouns you man and wife."

      They kiss each other on the ellipsis.

      "I love you, noun forever," he whispers.

      The conjugation is in tiers. (In a word, they are wed.)

      He awakens from his daydream and proposes a dance.

      But she declines.

      "Then would you like a beer? Alcohol the bartender." �

      "I bitter not", she says, falling silent.

      Ferment there, she looks like she's going to bee [sic].

      "Gee, are you okay?" he asks her.

      "I'm, like, under a lot of stress... I've got a yeast inflection."

      "I knew something was brewing."

      He calls the bartender. "Listen, bud, my beer is warm."

      The bartender takes the bottle and empties it in the sink. The dude watches as his hops go down the drain.

      "Let's go outside," he says to her. "I'd like to have a word with you."

      "Are you prepositioning me?"

      "I won't be indirect. You are the object of my preposition."

      "Oh my God, you're, like, such a boldfaced character!"

      "I see your point. But I'm font of you. C'mon let's go."

      "Do I have to spell it out? You're not my type, so get off my case!"�

      Reluctantly, he decides to letter B.

      "Now my evening lies in runes," he laments.

      He leaves, hoping to have letter luck next time. (Gary Roma)

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      2.
      From: Jokes Clean jokesclean.com
      Here's our version of the stories of the Bible if they were to be told by a child.

      THE BIBLE, THROUGH THE EYES OF A CHILD

      Creation
      In the beginning, which was close to the start, there wasn't anything except God, darkness and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord, thy God, is one," but I think He has to be much older than that.

      Anyway, God made the world and then He said, "Give me some light," and somebody gave it to Him. He split an atom and made Eve. Adam and Eve didn't wear any clothes, but they weren't embarrassed because God hadn't invented mirrors, yet.

      Adam and Eve sinned by eating one bad apple and they were driven out of the Garden of Eden. I'm not sure what God drove them in because He hadn't invented cars, either.

      Adam and Eve's son, Cain, hated his brother as long as he was Abel. After a while, all of the first people died, except Methuselah, who lived to be, like, a million years old.

      Noah
      The next important person was Noah. He was a really good guy, but one of his kids was a Ham. Noah built a big boat in his back yard and put his family and a lot of animals in it. He asked his neighbors to join them, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

      Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph
      Next were Abraham, his son Isaac and his grandson Jacob. Esau was Jacob's brother, but Jacob was more famous because Esau sold him his birthmark for some pot roast. Jacob had a son, Joseph. Joseph wore a really loud sports coat.

      Moses
      Moses was the next important man. His real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel lights out of Egypt because of the bad Pharaoh. God sent ten plagues on the Egyptians. Some of the plagues were mice, frogs, bugs, lice and no cable.

      Every day in the desert, God fed the Israel lights some manicotti. He gave them His "Top Ten" commandments. They were things like: don't lie, don't cheat, don't dance, don't smoke, don't covet your neighbor's stuff (whatever that means). He also told them to humor their fathers and mothers.

      Joshua
      Moses' best helper was Joshua. He was the first person to use spies. He fought the battle of Geritol. That's when the fence fell down on the town.

      David
      David came after Joshua. They made him king after he killed a giant with a slingshot.

      Solomon
      One of David's sons was called Solomon. He had, like, 300 wives and 500 porcupines. They told us in Sunday School that he was a really wise man, but that doesn't sound too wise to me.

      Jonah and Other Prophets
      After Solomon came a whole lot of major league prophets. Jonah was one of them. He was swallowed by a whale, then barfed up on the beach.

      There were some other minor league prophets, but they weren't too important.

      The New Testament
      When the Old Testament was done, they started the New Testament. Jesus was the Star. He was born in a barn in the town of Bethlehem. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because then, when my mother says to me, "Close the door. Were you born in a barn?" I could say, "As a matter of fact, I was."

      Jesus argued a lot with the Chief Priests and Democrats. He had twelve opossums. Most of them were good, but Judas Asparagus was not. He was so bad, they named a really yucky vegetable after him.

      Jesus healed some people and leopards. Then He preached to the Germans on the Mount. But the Chief Priests and Democrats were mad at him and put Him on trial. Pilot was too chicken to stick up for Him, so he just washed his hands.

      Jesus died for our sins and came back to life again. He went to heaven, but will come back at the end of the aluminum. We can read about this in the Book of the Revolution. (Author Unknown)

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      3.

      THE BLACK KNIGHT

      One day at the gates of the king"s castle in a far off land, a knight approaches.
      When he reaches the gates, the gate keeper comes out and says, "Who are you?"
      The knight replies, "I am the black knight on the black horse."
      "Not the black knight on the black horse?"
      "Yes, the black knight on the black horse!"
      "What do you want?"
      "I want to see the king."
      "All right then, in you go."

      So the knight proceeded to find the king.
      When they meet, the king says, "Who are you?"
      The knight replies "I am the black knight on the black horse."
      "Not the black knight on the black horse?"
      "Yes, the black knight on the black horse!"
      "What do you want?"
      "I want to marry the princess."
      The king replies, "In which case you need to get the gold ring from the red dragon."

      So the knight proceeds to find the red dragon.
      On meeting him, the dragon says, "Who are you?"
      The knight replies, "I am the black knight on the black horse."
      "Not the black knight on the black horse?"
      "Yes, the black knight on the black horse!"
      "What do you want?"
      "I want the gold ring."
      "All right, there you go," says the dragon, throwing it over.

      The knight then gallops back to the castle.
      As he arrives, he is approached by the gatekeeper.
      The gatekeeper then says "Who are you?"
      The knight replies "I am the black knight on the black horse."
      "Not the black knight on the black horse?"
      "Yes, the black knight on the black horse!"
      "What do you want?"
      "I want to see the king."
      "All right then, in you go."

      So the knight proceeded to find the king.
      When they meet, the king says, "Who are you?"
      The knight replies, "I am the black knight on the black horse."
      "Not the black knight on the black horse?"
      "Yes, the black knight on the black horse!"
      "What do you want?" "I want to marry the princess."
      The king replies, "Have you got the gold ring from the red dragon?"
      "Yes."
      To which the king replies, "In which case, you need to get the silver ring from the yellow dragon."

      So the knight proceeds to find the yellow dragon.
      On meeting him, the dragon says, "Who are you?"
      The knight replies, "I am the black knight on the black horse."
      "Not the black knight on the black horse?"
      "Yes, the black knight on the black horse!"
      "What do you want?"
      "I want the silver ring."
      "All right, there you go," says the dragon, throwing it over.

      The knight then gallops back to the castle.
      As he arrives, he is approached by the gatekeeper.
      The gate-keeper then says,
      "Who are you?" The knight replies,
      "I am the black knight on the black horse."
      "Not the black knight on the black horse?"
      "Yes, the black knight on the black horse!"
      "What do you want?"
      "I want to see the king."
      "All right then, in you go."

      So the knight proceeded to find the king.
      When they meet, the king says, "Who are you?"
      The knight replies, "I am the black knight on the black horse."
      "Not the black knight on the black horse?"
      "Yes, the black knight on the black horse!"
      "What do you want?"
      "I want to marry the princess."
      The king replies, "Have you got the gold ring from the red dragon?"
      "Yes."
      "Have you got the silver ring from the yellow dragon?"
      "Yes."
      To which the king replies, "In which case, you need to get the ruby ring from the purple dragon."

      So the knight proceeds to find the purple dragon.
      On meeting him, the dragon says "Who are you?"
      The knight replies "I am the black knight on the black horse."
      "Not the black knight on the black horse?"
      "Yes, the black knight on the black horse!"
      "What do you want?"
      "I want the ruby ring"
      "All right, there you go," says the dragon, throwing it over.

      The knight then gallops back to the castle.
      As he arrives, he is approached by the gatekeeper.
      The gate-keeper then says, "Who are you?"
      The knight replies, "I am the black knight on the black horse."
      "Not the black knight on the black horse?"
      "Yes, the black knight on the black horse!"
      "What do you want?"
      "I want to see the king."
      "All right then, in you go."

      So the knight proceeded to find the king.
      When they meet, the king says, "Who are you?"
      The knight replies, "I am the black knight on the black horse?"
      "Not the black knight on the black horse?"
      "Yes, the black knight on the black horse!"
      "What do you want?" "I want to marry the princess."
      The king replies, "Have you got the gold ring from the red dragon?"
      "Yes."
      "Have you got the silver ring from the yellow dragon?"
      "Yes."
      "Have you got the ruby ring from the purple dragon?"
      "Yes."
      "In which case you will find my daughter in her room."

      So the knight gallops to the princess" room.
      Upon meeting him, the princess exclaims, "Who are you?"
      The knight replies, "I am the black knight on the black horse."
      "Not the black knight on the black horse?"
      "Yes, the black knight on the black horse!"
      "What do you want?"
      "I want to ask you a question."
      "Well go on then", replied the princess.
      "Will you marry me?"
      "NO!"

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      4.

      FARMING METAPHORS

      Among farm equipment is a cultivating implement set with spikes or spring teeth that pulverizes the earth by violently tearing and flipping over the topsoil. That�s why we identify an emotionally lacerating experience as harrowing.

      Harrowing is one of a crop of down-to-earth metaphors that stimulate the fertile minds of the cultivated geniuses who read wordbooks like this one:

      Haywire gives us another agricultural metaphor. Anyone who has ever tried to use tightly stretched wire to bind bales of hay knows how inefficient and ornery the stuff can be. When someone or something behaves in an uncontrolled manner, we say that he, she, or it goes haywire.

      By hook or by crook. A custom in medieval England allowed peasants to collect from royal forests whatever deadwood they could pull down with a shepherd's crook or cut with a reaper's billhook. By extension, by hook or by crook has come to signify "by whatever means."

      Windfall. European peasants, forbidden to cut down or pick fruit from trees, were allowed to gather gratuitous fuel and food blown down by acts of nature, a bounty that required little effort on the part of the lucky recipients. By extension, we today use a windfall to describe an unexpected stroke of good luck.

      The arduous job of hoeing long rows in uncooperative terrain makes for a tough row to hoe, that is, �a difficult task. �

      Late spring frosts or pests of the insect or human variety can kill an aborning tree or flower before it has a chance to develop. When we terminate a project in its early stages, we say that we nip it in the bud.

      Hay is made by setting mown grass out in the sun to dry. When we want to make the most of an opportunity, we try to make hay while the sun shines.

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      5.

      HANDWRITING ON THE WALL

      A weary mother returned from the store,
      Lugging groceries through the kitchen door.
      Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son,
      Anxious to relate what his younger brother had done.

      "While I was out playing and Dad was on a call,
      Jonny took his crayons and wrote on the wall!
      It's on the new paper you just hung in the den.
      I told him you'd be mad at having to do it again."

      She let out a moan and furrowed her brow,
      "Where is your little brother right now?"
      She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride,
      She marched to his closet where he had gone to hide.

      She called his full name as she entered his room.
      He trembled with fear--he knew that meant doom!
      For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved
      About the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved.

      Lamenting all the work it would take to repair,
      She condemned his actions and total lack of care.
      The more she scolded, the madder she got,
      Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!

      She headed for the den to confirm her fears.
      When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears.
      The message she read pierced her soul with a dart.
      It said, "I love Mommy," next to that, a heart.

      Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it,
      With an empty picture frame hung to surround it.
      A reminder to her, and indeed to all,
      Take time to read the handwriting on the wall.
      (Author Unknown)

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      Compiled by Stan Kegel skegel@...
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