PUNS OF THE DAY 07-09-13
Tennis ball, to my left side it went.
And I managed to have the ball sent
O'er net as commanded
By coach. I'm right-handed,
So he gave a backhanded compliment.
The sweet young thing went to a chiropractor complaining of pain in her knee. After an examination, the chiropractor could only comment, "What's a joint like this doing in a nice girl like you?"
On retiring, the guillotine operators during the French Revolution received an generous severance package.
When a toothpaste company got into trouble because of the amount of fluoride that their product contained, they decided to hold an open house at their factory to reduce public concern. Unfortunately, one of the touring groups accidentally became locked in the refrigerated storeroom, where they all died. The following day, the local newspaper headline exclaimed, "Tooth Company Freeze a Crowd."
"Bartender, got any specials today?" "Yes, we mix Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka." "What do you call it?" "A Pap Smear!"
On a sunny Sabbith afternoon in Miami Beach, two old friends met for the first time in years. After exchange of the usual amenities, as they sat on a beachfront bench, Jacob�s expression grew somber, and he said, �Shmuel, people are telling me you don�t go to shul any more. Can it be true that you no longer believe in God?� Shmuel looked uncomfortable, and hurriedly changed the subject. The next afternoon, the old friends met on the beach again.�You must tell me, Shmuel,� he said, �Don�t you believe in our God any more?� Shmuel replied, �Here is a straight answer to a straight question. No, I don�t.� Jacob asked, �Why didn�t you tell me that yesterday?� Shmuel, deeply shocked exclaimed, �God forbid. On Shabbat?�
Have you heard of the new movie called "Constipation"? It hasn't come out yet.
A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to make someone feel guilty."
I missed my miniature Indian musical instrument practice last night. I couldn't find a baby sitar. (Mike Bull)
To celebrate his 50th birthday, my boss who is battling middle- age spread, bought a new convertible sports car. As a finishing touch, he put on a vanity plate with the inscription "18 Again." The wind was let out of his sails, however, when a salesman entered our office the following week. "Hey," he called out, "who owns the car with the plate "I ate again?"
IN THE NEWS
With lethal drugs in short supply, Missouri may bring back the gas chamber. Death row inmates will be placed in a tiny room with six people who just ate at Taco Bell. (Gary Bachman)
Governor Rick Perry (R.-Texas) has clarified his stand on the sanctity of life. In no uncertain terms, the lives of the unborn must be fully protected until such time as they leave the womb, at which point they�re on their own. (Jerry W.)
Now it's Eliot Spitzer on the comeback trail, apparently running for New York City Comptroller. So if he and Anthony Weiner win assume the city goes from an 'I LOVE NY' tourism campaign to 'I LUST NY'? (Janice Hough)
Aaron Hernandez, the former New England Patriot who�s now accused of murder, apparently slugged a bouncer when he was at the University of Florida. His teammate, Tim Tebow, says he tried to stop him but didn�t have a prayer. (Terry Edder)
AND FEOM THE PAST
If Mama Cass had given Karen Carpenter half her sandwich, they�d both would still be alive today. (TC Chong)
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