PUNS OF THE DAY 07-08-13
Today is the birthday of ZIP Codes�
Those digital sort and then ship codes
That help us get mail,
Which they�re now calling �snail.�
With email, these aren�t such hip
(Madeleine Begun Kane)
This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office. "Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again." "What dream?" asked the shrink. "You know, the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead horse?"
The major neurologic disorder of farmers is my grain headaches. (Stan Kegel)
In the days of old when Scotland had the only branches of McDonalds, a band of marauding knights reached the Tobermoray area and stopped by the large expanse of water to have a swim and freshen up, occasionally stopping to rest on a a wooden platform they had been carrying. A Scots boy and his father watched them jump in and when they emerged the boy said to his father, "Look, Dad, they're twelve feet tall now, but that wooden raft seems to have shrunk" "Aye, son," he said. "It is a well known fact that the knights get longer in Loch Tober, but the dais gets shorter!" (Graham Kerr)
A sloth is out for a walk when he's mugged by four snails. After recovering his wits, he goes to make a police report. "Can you describe the snails?" asks the officer. "I don't know," replies the sloth. "It all happened so fast."
'There was considerable consternation among the cats in the Coliseum when it was learned that the tigers were taking the lions' share of the prophets. A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was telling the younger men how he handled officers during his years of service. "It didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I always told those guys exactly where to get off. "Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked." What was your job in the service?" "Elevator operator in the Pentagon."
The candidate made a big impression at the 'Gay Rights' convention when he told them he was hoping for a mandate.
A surgical patient was given my usual post-op instructions. That night she called wanting to know when her mother could visit? "Any time," I replied, "Why do you ask?" She rustled some papers. "It says here in your instruction sheet," she continued, "No relations 'til after your post-op checkup."
Humpback whales urinate while swimming in tightly-formed families called pods. Outcast whales don't have a pod to piss in. (Scot Nelson)
A traveler arrives in a Galician town and order trousers from a Jewish tailor; when the traveler has to leave, they are not yet ready. Seven years later, he returns, and the tailor finally delivers. The customer remonstrates "God made the world in seven days, yet you take seven years to make a pair of trousers!" "Yes, but look at the world," the tailor ruefully replies. "And," he beams, "look at my trousers."
The other day, I went to the local Club, and I showed the doorman my driver's license and one of the wheels off my car. He asked what the wheel was for. I said, "The guy on the radio said you were checking ID's and a tire."
On our way to my parents' house for dinner one evening, I glanced over at my 15-year-old daughter. "Isn't that skirt a bit short?" I asked. She rolled her eyes at my comment and gave me one of those "Oh, Mom" looks. When we arrived at my folks' place, my mother greeted us at the door, hugged my daughter, then turned to me and looking me over with a critical eye said, "Elizabeth! Don't you think that blouse is awfully low-cut?"
IN THE NEWS
Just wondering, if you put the Declaration of Independence in a petition, and asked Americans to sign it today, how many would decline. Especially with all that "created equal" and other commie-pinko stuff. (Janice Hough)
The 'Lone Ranger' is so bad that there is an announcement before the movie to please turn ON your cellphones. (Gary Bachman)
A University of Saskatchewan News report says it may be possible to potty-train cows. Or at least that's the poop. (RJ Currie)
Samoa Air is charging passengers by weight, along with that of your luggage. Cost is approximately $1 kilogram. (2.2 lb.) It would cost the average Canadian woman $75. I wonder how much this fee would cost the average Samoan person or Japanese Sumo wrestler. In related news, a recent poll revealed that 9 out of 10 jockeys prefer Samoa Air to any other airline. (TC Chong)
No one knows exactly where NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is hiding at the moment. He released a statement that says, "No one will find me unless some big-mouth jerk starts blabbing." (Conan O'Brien)
SF Giants displayed all the numbers mastery of an SEC football team in math class. How do you bat out of order? (Janice Hough)
AND AN OLDIE FROM 2000:
The two major party presidential candidates today agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details. The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity. In other words, Bush says there is too much Gore, and Gore says there is too much Bush. (Author Unknown)
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