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Puns of the Day 03-22-13

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY 03-22-13 I consulted my doctor s dietician About losing some weight; got premonition: I ll go down to defeat If I watch what I eat, Cause a
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 22, 2013
      PUNS OF THE DAY 03-22-13

      I consulted my doctor's dietician
      About losing some weight; got premonition:
      I'll go down to defeat
      If I watch what I eat,
      'Cause a diet's a losing proposition.
      (Kirk Miller)

      Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon�s name was Dr. Eror. "What a name for a doctor," I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry. "Yeah," he agreed. "You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major."

      A homely airline stewardess is a plane jane (Leopold Fechtner)

      Despite the aches and pains that accompany aging, my 99-year-old friend maintains a sense of humor. "My nurse tells me that seldom do those over 95 years of age get Alzheimer's so I'm off the hook," she told me the last time I visited her. "Furthermore, my son tells me that anyone who can spell "Alzheimer's" doesn't have it, so I keep practicing my spelling."

      My girlfriend likes sticking her breasts in my face, then asking for something really expensive. She invariably gets what she wants. That, my friends, is what is known as a booby trap.

      A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world's most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him. So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived, it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. "This must be my lucky day," he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office. Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He heard the General's voice. There was no way he'd make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development. The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest. The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted. "I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said. "I see," the Head Scientist said. "But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly."

      The Complete Shrimp Cookbook is pure prawnography. (Stan Kegel)

      An Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business?" He thought for a moment, then wrote, "Since 1776."

      I never thought I'd get in trouble for preparing mutton with a lovely marinade, but I was absolutely lambasted.

      Flying through the Midwest in the summertime means one thing: turbulence. I was working as a flight attendant on one particular flight when we hit a patch of very rough air just after a young teenager, obviously on her first flight, had entered the bathroom. After the bumps had subsided, she exited the bathroom, a look of sheer terror etched on her face. "Are you all right?" I asked as I helped her to her seat. "Don't worry, that turbulence was as bad as it gets." "So that's what it was," she said. "I thought I'd pushed the wrong button."

      Chiropractors are very familiar with hearing back talk. (Shawn Kennedy)

      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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