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Puns of the Day 02-19-13

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  • Stan Kegel
    PUNS OF THE DAY 02-19-13 The old senator has a good nose For what s popular, so the man knows There are not enough ayes For the bill. No surprise When they
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 20, 2013
      PUNS OF THE DAY 02-19-13

      The old senator has a good nose
      For what's popular, so the man knows
      There are not enough ayes
      For the bill. No surprise
      When they voted, it lost by a noes.
      (Kirk Miller)

      Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked. "Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dock into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust." "Damn, that sounds terrible�" Ed said. "What business were you in?" "I sell good luck charms," replied Ted.

      Absolute zero is cool

      My parents recently returned from an extended vacation with their new cell phone. Although they are on a nationwide plan, they did make a brief foray into Canada and so they were hit with some surprise "roaming charges." Even though they've been back for awhile, these charges didn't appear on their statement for several months. I had to explain to them that such things take time to work through the system. Specifically, I told them, "Roamin' wasn't billed in a day."

      What is the difference between two notable brothers� memorabilia, what good pilots have, and religious paraphernalia? The first is the WRIGHTS' STUFF, the second is the RIGHT STUFF, and the third is RITE STUFF. (Lars Hanson)

      "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. For years, I've been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where I work." "How much did you take?" "Enough to build my own house and my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious. I'll have to think of a far-reaching penance for you. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't. But if you have the blueprints, I can get the lumber."

      I�m glad Twitter has a character limit of 140 instead of 144. That would be gross.

      Virginia was calling her insurance company. "Does my policy cover psychiatric treatment?" she asked. "Let me have your plan number," the agent on the other end of the phone instructed. Virginia gave it. "Now let's see," the agent said, typing on a computer and reviewing her policy. A few moments later, he got the answer. He told her, "Yes, Virginia, there is an insanity clause!"

      Cosmologists concede: the Big Bang was actually more like a Big Fart. It�s the only theory of the universe that makes any scents. (Rhain Lewis & Pat Tanzola)

      My brother-in-law came home to an empty house one day and decided he would start dinner. First, he would make the salad. He searched high and low for the big bowl for making the salad and finally found it in the refrigerator, half full of Kool Aid. "Who on earth put Kool Aid in a bowl?" He looked around and found some empty pop bottles, rinsed them out and, using a funnel, transferred the Kool Aid to the pop bottles and returned them to the fridge. He then made the salad and started the rest of the dinner. Later, my sister came home. She had been to the store and was putting some things in the fridge, when suddenly she asked her husband, "Who on earth put my Jello in pop bottles?"

      Some butchers make cutting remarks to those they meet with, and get in a real stew.

      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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