Puns of the Day 01-31-13
- PUNS OF THE DAY 01-31-13
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. (Henry Cate, VII)
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. (Plato)
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. (Nikita Khrushchev)
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. (John Quintone)
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. (Oscar Ameringer)
The Sermon I will never forget: The minister began with his arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "Without you, Dear Lord, we are but dust!" He would have continued, but at that moment my four year old daughter asked me quite loudly so the whole congregation could hear, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
A golfer's diet: Live on greens as much as possible.
It was parents' day at the local university. The Dean was showing a group of parents around the campus. While they were walking by the Science building, a student ran out dressed entirely in black, wearing a mask and brandishing a sword. One parent inquired about what she had just seen. "Wouldn't someone running around dressed like that be a distraction to the other students?" she asked the Dean. "Well, yes," the Dean replied, "But at this school we have a Zorro Tolerance policy."
My metabolism is capable of handling all types of sweeteners. I'm ambi-dextrose. (Gary Hallock)
My wife and I periodically volunteer to share our music at retirement or nursing homes. I play the cello and my wife plays the harp. Often times my wife will announce the name of a song or tell a little something about the music we are about to play. I remember on one occasion she announced to the audience that we were going to play a piece written by Claude Debussy entitled, "Clair de Lune." One elderly woman in the front row, obviously hard of hearing, turned to the woman next to her and said in a loud voice, "What did she say?" The other woman replied, in an equally loud voice, "She's going to play 'Fruit of the Loom'."
They reserved the beginning and end of my time at the gym by the simple entry, "Weak in and weak out." (David F. Thomas, MD)
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
My sweetheart calls me "Honey" because I'm on a roll. (Bob Dvorak) If you want her to keep calling you "Honey," you'd better bee hive yourself. (Stan Kegel)
One time my father accompanied me when I took my dog out for his evening constitutional. My dog is rather finicky about where he "does it." I wondered aloud about the criterion he uses to select a spot. My father replied, "It's a process of elimination!"
When I'm stoned I get a little boulder.
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