PUNS OF THE DAY 01-30-13
Here in Texas, students at the Univ. of TX tell Aggie jokes (Aggies are students at Texas A&M). Anyway, a UT student and an Aggie were on a quiz show. Each had to make up a poem about Timbuktu within a minute. The UT student thought a second, then said:
Trudging through the desert sand,
Went the lonely caravan.
Horses, camels, two by two.
The Aggie thought a second, too, then said:
Me and Tim a'huntin went.
Saw three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was ready and rarin' to go.
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two.
A frenzied mother was busy trying to prepare dinner for her family and guests when in her haste she accidentally spilled a jar of spice all over herself. Her daughter chose that moment to wander into the kitchen and say casually, "Hey, mom, I need someone to talk to." The mother replied, "Why would you possibly choose right NOW to try to talk to me?" To which the daughter responded, "Well, it looked like you had some thyme on your hands."
The upper crust of society is composed of a lot of crumbs held together by dough.
I called my local home improvement store for a simple piece of advice. "I know the sheetrock is nailed to the studs," I said to the guy who answered the phone, "but how do I find the studs?" "Put an ad in the personals column," he suggested.
The DVDs the local store is lending for a fee are not within everyone's budget. Yes, pay rental discretion is advised. (Cynthia MacGregor)
A young woman, extraordinarily attractive in personality, character and presentation, was suffering from a illness that made her lips cracked and sore. The slightest movement of her mouth caused pain and embarrassment. Her condition, though not cured, was somewhat relieved by the application of a prescription medication from her physician. The instructions on the prescription were to apply the medication once A day, but the young woman found that more frequent applications were palatable and effective. After exhausting her supply, she returned to the doctor's office for another one. The receptionist announced to the returning patient to the doctor: "It's the super gal with the fragile lips expecting extra doses."
One advantage of having an imaginary girl friend is the only STDs you can catch are psychosomatic.
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence, she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking. Now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat." Tim gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!" "I wasn't!"
He was known for starting slowly, but once stumbling while hurrying home with diarrhea, he hit the ground running. (David F. Thomas, MD)
Two girlfriends were talking. "Were your parents upset when you got a divorce?" "Well, you know how parents are. My mother said, 'So! Is this how it's going to be? Just one man after another for the rest of your life?'" "Typical. What did you tell her?" "I said, 'Gee, I hope so!'"
Swine flu isn't a problem for pigs. They're all going to be cured anyway.
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