IT'S ALL IN THE BOOK 07-01-12
A young man fell in love with a very lovely young lady. Unfortunately she did not return the feeling. In desperation he went and visited a group of witches to ask for a love potion. He approached the local witch group and asked for a love potion to slip to the reluctant lass.
They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was highly unethical to administer a potion to someone without her permission. They did have an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight for a month, until they were all gone.
He returned to the witches six weeks later, excited and thankful. He and the young lady were to wed in a month. He was ecstatic and wanted to know how the spell had worked.
The witches explained, "Nothin' says lovin' like something from the coven, and pills buried says it best!"
"Witchful Thinking" from "The Ants Are My Friends" by Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel (�2007)
"Nothing says lovin' like something from the oven, and Pillsbury says it best" from Pillsbury Says It Best" by Pillsbury Baking Products
An English teacher often wrote comments on her students' essays. She was working late one night, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated.
The next day a student came to her after class with his essay she had corrected. "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper."
The teacher took the paper, and after squinting at it for a minute, sheepishly replied, "It says that you need to write more legibly."
"Letter Imperfect" from "A Tribute To Teachers" by Richard Lederer (�2011)
A LIGHT AT THE END
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly eastern city and began commuting each day. The geography of that area of the country required him to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges, and traffic jams. To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his coworkers to share the ride. He soon found, however, that the shared riding did not work and his commute continued to get more stressful especially the tunnels.
He described to the company doctor that he was fine on the bridges and in the traffic. He was also good when it came to either day or night or even when one of his co�riders forgot to bathe all week long. He went on to point out that it was when he got into the
tunnels and he had the four other carpoolers crowded around him that he got anxious and dizzy and felt like he was going to explode.
The doctor immediately announced that he had identified the ailment.
"What is it Doe? Am I going insane?" The young man asked.
"No. No. My boy. It is something very common in these parts. You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."
"A Light At The End" from "Groan And Bear it" by Gary Younglove (�2010)
THE GYPSY MOTHS
A small college town was being overrun by gypsy moths, so much so that the town council was beside itself trying to figure out how to get rid of them. It just so happened that a music student at the local college music conservatory was practicing the organ one afternoon, and a number of moths flew in the open window.
The student noticed that when he played a particular chord on the organ that the moths immediately flew to the speaker of the organ. This gave the bright, entrepreneurial student an idea. He approached the town council and told them he would rid the town of moths for a fee. The council agreed.
So the student found a portable organ and put it in the back of a friend's pick-up truck. His friend drove around town with the student in the back of the truck playing the moth attracting chord. But, alas, the experiment failed as the music failed to attract a single moth.
Puzzled, he asked his music professor what may have happened. The professor explained that the vibration of the truck, as it rolled down the street, altered the pitch of the chord sufficiently that the moths were not attracted to it.
"Didn't you know?" the professor said repeating an old proverb. "A rolling tone gathers no moths."
"The Gypsy Moths" from "Punzoli" by Gilbert Krebs (�2012)
"Punzoli", a huge collection of puns and groaners both old and original, is now available from Amizon.com. $12.00 and well worth the price.
FEUD or SOMEONE�S IN THE KITSCH CHIN WITH DINNER
Most people eat three meals a day, except for black widow spiders, who eat three males a day. If your Aunt Edna sends you cookies, you might eat one mail a day.
Not everybody calls their meals by the same names. Some people eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Others eat breakfast, dinner, and supper. Some people combine two meals and eat brunch, but no one I know eats dupper or linner.
Food is fun to eat and fun to cook, except for wry bread, which is always sort of sorry, and shellfish, who don�t share, even though certain kinds are shrimply delicious.
Lobsters are also known as crusty shins, even though they don�t have any identifiable ankles (or aunts). They do have claws, but no flying reindeer.
Crabs have bad dispositions.
Clams are the silent type, even though the people who fish for them, clammers, are noisy.
I oyster be ought to name all the fish in this category, but when I try, I usually forget scallops, which not only have no shell but also no hair, which is why the scallop is so visible.
"Feud or Someone�s In The Kitsch Chin With Dinner" from "Betcha Didn't Know" by Cynthia MacGregor (�2011)
THE DATING GAME
Two elderly gentlemen were shooting the breeze. "I guess you're never too old," the first one boasted. "Why just yesterday a pretty college girl said she'd be interested in dating me, but to be perfectly honest, I don't quite understand it."
"Well," said his friend, "you have to remember that nowadays women are more aggressive. They don't mind being the one to ask."
"No, I don't think it's that."
"Well, maybe you remind her of her father."
"No, it's not that either. It's just that she also mentioned something about carbon-14."
"The Dting Game" from "The Gift of Age" by Richard Lederer (�2010)
When the redoubtable Esmeralda Birdbath, Executive Professor of English Literature and Gracious Living at Weekatonk University, assumed the Presidency of the Society of the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History, she at once sent Ferdinand Feghoot off to 2882 to learn whether her pet program for the Butlerization of Literary Criticism was to succeed.
"I must know!" she cried. "Return instantly, to this precise moment!" And she herself pushed him into the Society's )( . A tense few minutes later, he reappeared.
"You have triumphed!" he announced. "In 2882, Samuel Butler's great dictum of the true test of literary genius is not the ability to write an inscription but the ability to name a kitten dominates all literary criticism, and I'm happy to say that I, in the three weeks I spent there, won their much-coveted Samuel Butler Memorial Gold Medal by doing so. I and five hundred others were in the finals, and the names we chose had to reflect our kittens' backgrounds and breeds. They brought me a delightful blue-point Siamese, a tom, and I named him instantly Levi Strauss to tremendous applause."
"But that's absurd!" she snapped. "A Jewish name could have nothing to do with that kitten's heredity!"
"On the contrary, dear Esmeralda," said Ferdinand Feghoot. "I called him that because of his blue genes."
"Feghoot 111" from "The Collected Feghoot" by Reginald Bretnor writing under the pen name Grendel Briarton (�1992)
An Indian chief, who became wealthy after oil was discovered on his reservation, decided to send his two sons to college so the tribe would have good leadership after he was gone.
One son went to Harvard and the other to Yale. Both did well and in due time entered law school. Much to the disappointment of their father, when they received their degrees they decided not to return to the reservation. Eventually both settled in San Francisco to practice law.
They were very successful and soon became wealthy. Among other things, both bought sailboats and became members of an exclusive yacht club. The old chief soon overcame his previous disappointment because he achieved fame as the father of the red sons in the sail set.
"Red Sons" from "Shaggy Dogs have Punny Tales" by Gene Child (�1992)
Compiled by Stan Kegel skegel@...
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